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Original poster

Smacking! At what age do people thinking it's appropriate

480 replies

AlanasMum · 21/03/2007 17:14

I was at coffee morning the other day and my 15m dd was playing up a little. Another mum commented and said wow I bet she gets a lot of smacks. I must have looked a bit shocked as it hadn't occured to me to smack dd before.

I've always been on the fence on this subject and figured I'd cross that bridge when I came to it. Which appears to be coming quicker than I anticipated.

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vimfuego · 26/03/2007 00:50

I was smacked as a child occasionally by my mum ... I guess "it didn't do me any harm". I love my mum loads but the memories of being smacked are pretty unhappy ones. I wish I didn't have those memories. I wish she hadn't done it.

Sakura · 26/03/2007 00:54

Reluctantpubcleaner, I take it you are of the "smacking" minority, judging by the way you got so angry at Greenshoots?
It makes people angry and its virtually illegal because it is so similar to bullying. (Big person can hit a smaller person).

Hillary · 26/03/2007 01:00

Its down right bullying its un necessary, to stand over a child and hit them so it hurts.

I dont think I'd be able to control myself if I saw someone do it to their child in the flesh. I too was beaten black and blue (I mean bones broken) You should bring your child up in a loving environmet not a fearful one.

Shameful bloody shameful.

Bullies the lot of you.

Tortington · 26/03/2007 01:59

left wing pinko liberal hippies.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 26/03/2007 02:35

LOL Custy!

I have smacked my DD and DS before now. It's not something I like to do. I never feel good about doing it. (I used to think it was an okay 'deterrent' to tap DDs hand when she risked hurting herself by repeatedly touching something/running off).

It is bad. I hate that i get to the point where i feel it is likely to be the most effective option. It means I am At The End Of My Tether with DD usually, who so far this week has punched her brother in the face, tried to strangle him with a piece of chord and jabbed at him with a toy and growling "I am going to kill you" (Pre-school teaches them lots of things - clearly not all good....) So, after repeated time-outs, sitting on naughty step and 'talks', and still she dragged him across the room by his neck....well, what can I say - you are all far better parents than me

FWIW, my parents smacked me on occasion. Always when I had done something I knew I shouldnt have, and had been warned and then proceeded to push my luck. I dont feel any malevolence towards my parents, or their actions. But, they didnt beat me, belt me, whip me, humiliate me - they smacked me for pushing them to the limit. I knew it was the consequence and I still did it.

kittywaitsfornumber6 · 26/03/2007 07:43

I think the jury has reached its verdict then?

yellowrose · 26/03/2007 08:24

It is NEVER appropriate. I know there is a big difference between "gentle" smacking to actually injuring, but I have seen a close relative smack and hit her toddlers and I always found myself leaving the room. In fact I have stopped seeing them for years now, because I can't stand the physical aspect of what she regards as "descipline". It isn't descipline. It WILL backfire as the child will begin to see physical response as appropriate. They will copy. They will hit and smack other children, their siblings and adults. The most aggressive toddlers I see are the ones who have been smacked.

j3 · 26/03/2007 09:26

Blu my definition of a tap is not a blow...a blow to the face, body is child abuse. that is my point
Reluctantpubcleaner-that was totally out of order. I may have a difference of opinion with greenshoots but I am sure we are all adult enough to express our opinions without the use of being personal.

Tortington · 26/03/2007 09:35

you can't J3 - these professed professional pinko liberals are much like the ALF in that they will blow the sht out of you to proof cruelty is wrong. haa haa ha

fortyplus · 26/03/2007 09:37

Interesting how this thread has moved on.

As someone who admits that I used to smack my children until I came to the conclusion that it was wrong, I would urge those of you still giving a 'tap' to consider this...

When are you going to stop?

I came to the conclusion that my 'taps' - whilst not really hurting my children, were humiliating them. That's not nice, is it?

I last smacked mine when ds1 was 6 & ds2 4. Discipline is actually much easier if you talk about why their bahaviour is wrong, rather than just hitting them because they are making you feel that you're not in control.

Honestly, ladies - ds1 is 13 now so it's 7 years since I last smacked him and our relationship is better than ever. No terrible teens here!

kittywaitsfornumber6 · 26/03/2007 09:42

Prettybird, I'm with you.

Threads like this are good, but ONLY if there's not too much hysterical mud slinging and slagging off . Smacking threads always make me consider my actions and motivations. Each time I take part in one I have to say that I come to the same conclusions.

yellowrose · 26/03/2007 09:44

fortyplus - you are so wise - I loved your post.

Why in gods' name is EVERYTHING being called pinko socialist ? This isn't politics, it is about your relationship with your children and how you descipline them.

matildax · 26/03/2007 09:44

prettybird, i thankyou for your words of support. the comparison between full on smacking your children in a rage, and protecting them from further harm by shocking them through a tap, rap, or smack, whatever you want to call it, is obviously lost on greenshoots, she is adamant in her views and is unwilling to see both sides of the equation. I personally have made my point on this subject and am pleased to know that some posters can see the difference. we are not condoning violence, we are simply protecting our children.My patience has been exhausted by people who are so narrow minded and self righteous that they are unable to see "the wood for the trees".

fortyplus · 26/03/2007 09:46

yellowrose - Thank you! I'm not wise, really - quite a mad old bat in fact!

Doodledootoo · 26/03/2007 09:52

Message withdrawn

prettybird · 26/03/2007 09:55

Doodledotoo - what a good post

Blu · 26/03/2007 09:55

Well, yes Doodle.

I will admit to being an anti-smacker on principle who occasionally (to a gut feeling of horror and shame) smacked my DS if you will admit that you have been provked to a bit of berating!!!!

matildax · 26/03/2007 10:04

well said doodledoo, my sentiments entirely

Judy1234 · 26/03/2007 10:15

Yes except it's morally and often legally wrong too those: "parents who have used it as a means of behaviour modification, prevention of a possibly tragic outcome etc, in a thought-out and loving way". Those parents are wrong. if it doesn't hurt it doesn't work. If it does hurt you break English law so you should really move to a country which approves of beating children. There are many still on the planet.

I think it's worse to believe it's fine to smack than to lose your temper and shout or push or slap. It's the moral righteousness of the right of a parent to beat or even slap, to hurt, to scare because of the will of God or whatever that is sinister and evil andwe have rightly for most practical purposes now virtually banned by law in here.

Doodledootoo · 26/03/2007 10:16

Message withdrawn

matildax · 26/03/2007 10:35

xenia,please explain this.......
I think it's worse to believe it's fine to smack than to lose your temper and shout or push or slap. ............ words fail me honestly,

doggiesayswoof · 26/03/2007 10:53

I don't want to put words in Xenia's mouth, but her last post seemed perfectly clear to me.

If someone smacked or slapped a child out of anger, then instantly regretted it, it would be morally better than thinking it is right and proper to use hitting as part of a discipline strategy.

I agree btw.

To use an analogy - I sometimes say nasty things to my dh in the heat of an argument. I feel terrible and always apologise. This is morally better than using verbal put-downs and insults as a thought-out part of our relationship.

matildax · 26/03/2007 11:01

not one person on this thread is saying it is right to beat your child, and i feel offended that you think this way, what i was trying to get across is that young children learn through actions and will not understand unless sometimes this is visualized. i remember an example of this....... when my dd1 was 2ish, she would constantly try to get hold of the iron, i patiently would say a firm no to her and move her out the way, i did try to explain to her that the iron sometimes was hot and she could get hurt,however she was not deterred and when my back was turned for a second or so, she touched the iron.Happily she was fine but obviously got a shock, so when in the following winter, she tried to touch the gas fire, instead of trying to explain to her, i lightly tapped her hand and said it would hurt,like the iron had, she got the message and never touched either again.What i am trying to get across is that young children on the whole have no concept of danger,as a mother it is my job to teach,nurture and love.I do not feel guilty for my actions.

matildax · 26/03/2007 11:05

doggysayswoof, noone is saying smacking is right when used as a form of disipline,you are completely missing the point.

Soapbox · 26/03/2007 11:07

Matildax - I think what other people are constantly trying to get across is that it is perfectly possible (and imo desirable) to teach a child all of those things without smacking them.

There are loads of anti-smackers on this thread and none of them seem to have houses full of damaged or dead children because they didn;t use smacking to point out what was dangerous!

On that basis, your arguments are being rejected as a reason to smack.