Help needed in order to allow dd2 (3yrs) to continue sharing our bed.

[Wills]

DD2 has always shared our bed and until the last 6 months its been fine. In the last 8 months we've moved house and had ds. We've moved a long way from dh's work which means he has a 2 hour commute in the morning and 2.5 hour commute in the evening. But the move has enabled us to live in a wonderful house and that I have been able to give up work and be a SAHM for the first time. BUT he gets up at 5.00 am and leaves the house at 5.30. This can't change if he wants to be home before 8.00 pm. dd2 is disturbed by dh getting up (and he's really really tried hard to be quiet), so that she's normally up around 5.45. When dd2 gets up (she's 3) somehow the rest of the house has to get up including ds and dd1. She knows exactly how to get her own way in my desperation in keeping ds and dd1 asleep and is now regularly getting away with murder. I've had to bring her bedtime forward as she's shattered, dd1 is tired, ds has a sleeping pattern all over the place and I'm tired too. I'm not not sleeping with my dh (we tried that for 2 weeks and we felt like we were barely seeing each other).

So.... Any thoughts about what I can do that don't involve me moving her out of our bed.

F&Z,I have seen sleep problems drive people to the edge of sanity and this scenario doesn't look too jolly.

I'm all for lentil weaving as yuo know,but in this case........

But cod - can I move my teething son into the opposite estate?

I guess my concern here would be that the child is now getting a significant part of the "benefit" of cosleeping in the form of "getting away with murder" in the mornings. Is ds still feeding during the night? Presumably he isn't in with you to, though will be soon?

Certainly she has been through a lot of change recently between the move, seeing less of dh and the arrival of ds. Is dh's commute seen to be a permanent feature, as that seems a heck of a commute, and quite a strain on family life.

Is it an option for dh to end up in dd2's bed in the early morning?

Yes, yes, girls share!

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Tis madness as 'she's shattered, dd1 is tired, ds has a sleeping pattern all over the place and I'm tired too. I'm not not sleeping with my dh (we tried that for 2 weeks and we felt like we were barely seeing each other).'

I think that says it all.

Ooh I am too slow to keep up with this thread

Hermykne have you never heard of people co-sleeping before? I would read up on it, seriously, if you are interested

Many people believe that it's a natural and very beneficial thing to do, especially for breastfed children.

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I do remember my sioster buying that 'Three in a bed' book,being entranced,burning oils,piling futons on the floor,breastfeeding day and night and so on,then..........fast forward 24 months.

She rang me in tears hissing 'I could kill that fucking bitch who wrote that book.'

yes agree present situation is madness,house is being ruled by a 3yr old

f&Z i have, my LLL leader was one , that was 4 years ago so i am aufay with it. but i dont get the all night thing,

f&z I totally get what you are saying here and that DH is not getting disturbed but wills is obviously not happy with current situation...

I am sympathetic Wills. We don't co-sleep (well, not most of the time!) but my dd2 is also a very light sleeper, and my dh works shifts, so often leaves the house at about 5.45. Dd2 always used to wake up when she heard him leaving (even though not in the same room, let alone bed...) and then she'd wake up dd1 and... well... you know!

What has worked for us is setting a radio alarm clock to come on at 7.00. The dds (who share a room) know that they are not allowed out of bed (which in practice means not out of the room, since they normally just play in their room if they wake up earlier) till the radio comes on. This doesn't work 100%... but it works often enough for me to get enough sleep, which is the main thing. Dd2 is now nearly 5, and this solution has only really started to work in the last 6 months. The other thing that I've done is to talk to them a bit about how daddy works shifts, which means that he sometimes has to go to work 'in the middle of the night'. Yes, I know that 5.45 isn't the middle of the night (and it's harder to convince them of this in the summer when it's light) but I think it has helped them to understand that just because daddy is up that doesn't mean that it's the kind of time when civilised human beings like to be out of bed.

Don't know if that's any help to you at all. Probably not, as it presupposes that your dd is in her own room. The only other solution I can think of, is for you to sleep with your dd and your dh to sleep elsewhere on work days. A bit extreme, though! And if she's anything like my dd she'll wake up anyway when she hears him moving about.

Good luck. I hope someone comes up with a solution that will work for you.

I am sympathetic Wills. We don't co-sleep (well, not most of the time!) but my dd2 is also a very light sleeper, and my dh works shifts, so often leaves the house at about 5.45. Dd2 always used to wake up when she heard him leaving (even though not in the same room, let alone bed...) and then she'd wake up dd1 and... well... you know!

What has worked for us is setting a radio alarm clock to come on at 7.00. The dds (who share a room) know that they are not allowed out of bed (which in practice means not out of the room, since they normally just play in their room if they wake up earlier) till the radio comes on. This doesn't work 100%... but it works often enough for me to get enough sleep, which is the main thing. Dd2 is now nearly 5, and this solution has only really started to work in the last 6 months. The other thing that I've done is to talk to them a bit about how daddy works shifts, which means that he sometimes has to go to work 'in the middle of the night'. Yes, I know that 5.45 isn't the middle of the night (and it's harder to convince them of this in the summer when it's light) but I think it has helped them to understand that just because daddy is up that doesn't mean that it's the kind of time when civilised human beings like to be out of bed.

Don't know if that's any help to you at all. Probably not, as it presupposes that your dd is in her own room. The only other solution I can think of, is for you to sleep with your dd and your dh to sleep elsewhere on work days. A bit extreme, though! And if she's anything like my dd she'll wake up anyway when she hears him moving about.

Good luck. I hope someone comes up with a solution that will work for you.

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Don't get quite what you mean hermykne, not sure why you would want to sleep with your child for some of the night and not the whole night? But maybe I am missing something - it is my bedtime and I am tired too so will look in on this again another time

Good luck Wills - sounds like something has to give - hope you can find the solution that suits you all

dd2 STARTS the night in her own bed. Normally between 2.00am and 4.00am she will move into ours.

We have tried bribery using Star chart, presents, sweets, pleading, new bed covers, painted room, an enormous teddy to watch over her etc etc. Sometimes I wonder if she really understands what she's doing when she moves into our bed as when she wakes in the morning and finds she's not spent the night in her own bed she's mortified cos she can't then have star, present sweet etc. I wonder if she sleepwalks. We even tried putting her back but she mastered the ability of getting into our bed at the bottom and not waking us (which lead me to believe she's NOT sleep walking after all).

So the only alternative I can see ahead of us is to go through forceably keeping her there. i.e. basically accept a week of no sleep whilst we continually put her back to her own bed until she finally gets the routine and stays there. But this seems to me to suggest a real deep seated need that I'm loathe to ignore.

For a time we had the same problem with one of our dds.

What we did was as she came in - usually about 1.00 - I'd kick dp awake (with his blessing) and he would go and spend the rest of the night in her bed. When he got up he didn't disturb anyone. Worked for us. Depends on whether your dh could get back to sleep quickly.

But if your dh is out of the house 5.30 until 8 pm, that's 14.5 hours a day. Hours like that would have anyone sobbing with exhaustion. It can't be good.

I feel sorry for you both, but there is nothing you can do that doesn't involve moving one or the other out of your bed.

What about setting up a single bed in your room? for either of them?

Can't DH move her back to her own bed when he wakes up

so she goes to sleep in her own bed, sleeps middle of night in yours, then goes back to sleep in own bed

would that work?

Wills - we had a similar problem to this (my Dh gets up at 5.20am and DD was in our bed). In November we took the plunge (mainly due to a new baby on the way, who I will co-sleep with for 6 months) and moved her into a bunk bed with DS.

The first two nights she slept alongside DS, till he kicked her out

Then we moved her to the bottom bunk..

I bought her a princess duvet, lots of sparkly dangly pink fairy lights etc. She now sleeps much better in her own bed and DH has a temp camp bed in the kids room, so if she gets scared he can lie in there if necc.

TBH she is fine now and doesn't get disturbed when he gets up each morning anymore.

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"house is being ruled by a 3yr old "

yes she has taken them all hostage and now controls all household decisions from her potty

has just ordered Sky plus for the bedroom and is installing a bouncy castle where the kitchen used to be

The house is not being ruled by the child, at present she has no option of sleeping alone me thinks...don't blame the child!

God, F&Z, wish I could have a bouncy castle in my bedroom