Help needed in order to allow dd2 (3yrs) to continue sharing our bed.

[Wills]

DD2 has always shared our bed and until the last 6 months its been fine. In the last 8 months we've moved house and had ds. We've moved a long way from dh's work which means he has a 2 hour commute in the morning and 2.5 hour commute in the evening. But the move has enabled us to live in a wonderful house and that I have been able to give up work and be a SAHM for the first time. BUT he gets up at 5.00 am and leaves the house at 5.30. This can't change if he wants to be home before 8.00 pm. dd2 is disturbed by dh getting up (and he's really really tried hard to be quiet), so that she's normally up around 5.45. When dd2 gets up (she's 3) somehow the rest of the house has to get up including ds and dd1. She knows exactly how to get her own way in my desperation in keeping ds and dd1 asleep and is now regularly getting away with murder. I've had to bring her bedtime forward as she's shattered, dd1 is tired, ds has a sleeping pattern all over the place and I'm tired too. I'm not not sleeping with my dh (we tried that for 2 weeks and we felt like we were barely seeing each other).

So.... Any thoughts about what I can do that don't involve me moving her out of our bed.

[Ellbell]

Sorry for double post....

and what happened there? Half of MN posted on this thread simultaneously!

[Wills]

Ellbell - Thankyou. AND YESSSSS The thing here is that even if I did manage to get her to sleep in her own bed I suspect that she's such a bloming light sleeper that she would still blasted well awaken. I love that idea though.

[taffy101]

my dd has started giving herself smiley faces on her reward chart for when she stays in own bed at night - the reward chart is only for being nice to the pets. She occasionally comes in our bed in middle of night but DH won't tolerate it cos she's so wriggly and usually has sharp toe nails! If he's on nights tho I leave her there - I know it is easier at the time!!!! I am probably giving her mixed messages but she knows that she should stay in her lovely special bed

[brimfull]

earplugs for your dd???

[Ellbell]

Sorry, Wills, this thread moved on really fast.

Definitely consider putting your dds in together. For us it works brilliantly. They talk to each other in the morning till the alarm goes off. If dd2 is very lucky dd1 may even condescend to read to her (awwww!). Dd1 (6) is scared of the dark, so if she needs the loo in the night she sometimes wakes dd2 up to go with her (... this is despite the fact that there are nightlights on everywhere and lights that she can reach by herself to turn on...). They love it, and I think that they are closer because of it. (They did sleep in the same bed for a while, but dd1 threw dd2 out because 'she snores like a pig'!)

[FluffyMummy123]

Message withdrawn

[Ellbell]

Alternatively, we could move our two dds in together and leave them to it!!

[Flumpytina]

Bunny alarm clock (has transformed our early morning riser).

Put dd in her own room, in her own bed.

Set bunny clock to wake up at whatever time you think is acceptable for her to get up and come into bed with you. Tell dd, 'when Mr Bunny is asleep it is night time and little girls must be in bed and sleeping too'.

Use return to bed technique every time she comes in,repeat (ad nauseum) Mr Bunny is sleeping so (childs name) needs to be sleeping too (or whatever variation on that theme you like).

Reward first successful night of staying in bed until Mr Bunny wakes up +++++.

Our dd1 woke at 530am ish for what seemed forever. Now she gets up at 7.30. Tis a wonderful miracle. I love our Mr Bunny.

[FluffyMummy123]

Message withdrawn

[Ellbell]

Hijack alert...
Haven't been shopping cod... Have to write a paper and present it in Dublin next week. Panic! (Yeah, I know... WTF am I doing on here then!) Shopping on hold till after Irish trip! Will update, I promise!
Hijack over!

[mumeeee]

Why is your DD in your bed. Is it just because you like her there or is it because she won't slep in her own bed? I pesonally don't think a 3 year year old should be sharing thier parents bed. It is important for you and your DH to have child free tome and that should mean sleeping without children in your bed.

[taffy101]

Wills I think the 2 dds sharing is the best idea so far. I look back with fond memories of sharing with my sis (not all good memories tho when we were teenagers)and I was really scared of the dark (still am).

[Ellbell]

Oh and another thing that has helped... dh now parks outside on the road rather than in the drive if he's going to work early. That way she doesn't hear the car as he drives off.

[Wills]

Yes we've just been discussing (dh and I) about him leaving via the back door and walking round to the front rather than the front door by which we sleep (bungalow).

[Ellbell]

Going to write that paper now, but good luck!

[mummymagic]

Seems to me its nothing to do with her sleeping in your bed but rather that she is refusing to follow instructions - go back to sleep or read/play quietly (assuming this is an option).

Although my lo is only 10 months, if she wakes too early and wants to play (dp leaves at 6-7ish so she often is awake then), I put her in her cot in her room with lots of toys and go back to bed. I then get her if she cries... gives me half hour or so extra, and she often goes back to sleep then and we have a lie-in. Obviously your situation is a bit different but I imagine with a 3 year old you have more understanding. Could you use Ellbell's idea and say you must play in your room and call me (not sure if she would be able to come to you - new to me!) if you want to come back to sleep/cuddle quietly?

So she has a choice of sleep/cuddle in bed with you when she wakes OR play in her room til specified time... You never know you might find her asleep in there!!

Good luck - I really don't think you have to stop co-sleeping

[mummymagic]

But yeah, sharing with your sis is great fun (although older sisters like to tell scary stories!!)

[moondog]

I think it would be better for all concerned if Mr Wills just bit the bullet and decamped to a b&b.

[prufrock]

wills I don't think the issue is her sleeping with you - as you've said it is clearly something she needs to do at the moment at least. But at 3 she is old enough to understand the concept of not starting the day at the insane hour that your dh has to. So could you try the return to bed/room technique, but only after dh has got up? Give her the 2 options of sleeping with you until 7am (or whatever you deem a reasonable time) or playing quietly in her own room until then. And be very stern - as soon as she starts to move in your bed take her back to her own room, and if necessary barricade her in with an unopenable stair gate. That way you are still meeting her entirely reasonable wish to sleep with you, but not her entirely unreasonable wish to make you wake up and entertain her at 5:30am

[taffy101]

prufrock that sounds very sensible

[pointydog]

no thoughts... other than move her out of your bed.

Wouldn't she like to share with dd1? Or are all five of you in the bed?

[Wills]

Moondog - "Mr Wills" thinks that's a fabulous idea!

Pru - Agreed! Hmmm, hadn't realised it but you are right. However she's a seriously determined child, like me a "No" is to be viewed as a challenge to be conquered. Thinking about it the issue might be that she knows me far better than I know myself. She knows full well that if ds is woken up I will give up any hope of sleeping any further and get up to feed him. Think I'm going to have to accept big fights with her that will continue to wake the family but may in the end get through to her.

[mummymagic]

Um... isn't that what I said?!!!

[Wills]

Sorry mummymagic

[Wills]

Anyway - given what time I'll be up in the morning I'm off to bed. Many thanks for your help tonight ladies - keep them coming and I will read any more tomorrow morning.