To those parents who choose to never say no.

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You hear of people raising their children in this way " I never say the word "no" to my child" or similar.

Why are you using this method? What are you hoping to achieve? How do you deal with other adults that say "no" to your child?

I'm not criticising, genuinely curious.

Nicky Sadly I think quite a few parents do - at least it's the case at the toddler group I attend. Lots of "no! Naughty! Stop" without any explanation or redirection. And of course it's completely ineffective.

I'm very much in the limiting no camp so on the odd occasion I do say it, DD takes it very seriously.

I'm interested nicky in why you think it is the word 'no' in your example that made the difference rather than all the other things you did such as watching, reacting quickly, getting down on her level, saying 'we don't push'? Do you really think that if the friend just said 'no' her daughter would immediately change her behaviour?

Personally I think it takes more than just a word and I think you do more important things with your child in that example then just saying 'no' that make the difference.

This thread has been really interesting and I've found it fascinating to read.

Dd is 11 now and I think I've done a bit of both, saying no but explaining why. Can I ask if dc can say no without ever having to explain their choices? I'm just thinking that sometimes it should be ok for them to say no and not have to explain, esp in regards to consent, So if a boy asks her to do something she's not comfortable with she can say no and he shouldn't push for an explanation, that she can say no to any sexual request/pressure from anyone and does not need to explain it. I'm wondering how I would be able to do this I've I'd not used the word no in a "stop doing that now" context?.

I'm not being arsey, I'm genuinely interested.

I don't think the 'no' in isolation made the difference but I don't see the need to not say it IYSWIM. I don't see the need to inject positivity into it by omitting the word no. I don't think by simply saying no my friend would change her dd's behaviour immediately but she has been trying the positivity/gentle way for over a year and it hasn't worked, she will say thinks like "do you remember yesterday when we didn't pull any hair? That was excellent" and "we want to be kind and not pull hair don't we??" After so long of her dd clearly not responding I would, if it were my ds certainly start saying"no, you will not pull hair" and remove him immediately. As pp have said different children require a different approach and whilst I believe in limiting the use of no, explaining reasoning etc, just using no doesn't make for negative parenting or affect dc's independence.

I regularly use "no, followed with a brief explanation". If challenged, I simply use "no".

My DCs don't automatically throw a fit or get confused.

I use no quite freely, though I always follow it up with an explanation and a way of putting a more 'positive' spin on it, if that makes sense?

Like:

"No, you can't have a biscuit. We're just about to have dinner. If you eat enough dinner and do your homework, then you can have one."

"No, you can't go and play outside. It's nearly bedtime. You can go out again tomorrow if it's nice though."

"No, you can't have more pocket money this week. If you want to buy Monopoly, you need to save your pocket money up. If you would like to earn some extra money, you could do some chores for me?"

"No, you can't walk home from school by yourself yet. You're 9 years old, it's over a mile away and you need to cross two main roads. Mummy would worry about you - I love you heaps and don't want you getting hurt."

Hearing the word 'no' all the time can really, really grind a person down - child or adult. But there are loads of easy, subtle ways of doling out a 'no' that won't leave them feeling downtrodden. And let's face it, it's a bit shit being told no. It's a part of life and everyone needs to learn how to deal with hearing it, but little people are constantly learning new things about how the world works and it needs explaining to them. I think of 'no' the same way I do constructive criticism. It's crap to hear, but a little explanation and maybe suggesting X, Y or Z can turn what is fundamentally a negative into a positive.

Think of it in adult terms. If someone tells you no, what is usually your automatic response? Why? Children are no different. They're not necessarily being petulant by questioning your answer, they're simply trying to understand it. Unless they go on and on and on and start making your eye twitch. It's at that point you stop, walk away, ignore them and eat all the biscuits

Agree with Vino about the grinding down effect of endless negativity.

At the same time, Bunch raises an interesting point about the general permissibility of using no without qualifiers. If a child sees that her parents do not ever say "no" without having to justify themselves, how will she know that sometimes you are allowed to say "no" without justifying yourself?

Speaking here as the parent of children who have had four (4!) different ^teachers% (at different schools!) sacked and/or imprisoned for sexual inappropriateness involving children, if there is one word I am glad is in their vocabulary it is "no". And that if need should arise they would have had the confidence to say it without feeling they need to apologise or explain themselves. These are extreme examples- but there are also times in the playground where far less serious misdemeanours need a firm "no" and children need to confidence to say it.

As always, I think moderation is a good thing. Always hearing "no" is bad for you. Learning that the world doesn't come tumbling down if someone sometimes says "no" is not bad. Learning that you don't have to apologise for saying "no" also not a bad thing.

Or, you could just try saying "no" to the biscuit. This works for me, no complaints.

I just think it's about 'picking your battles' For a start if I mean no I want my child to know I MEAN it so I reserve it for if she's basically about to really hurt herself or really hurt someone else. I use 'stop' a lot instead as well because I genuinely found she's much more responsive to this. It's an action word rather than a negative and potentially critical word and packs a punch just as well and my LG currently responds pretty well to it. I don't think it's about being terrified to be remotely negative (they need to know when something is unacceptable) but it's about them also being guided on how to behave properly and about 'picking your battles'. A toddler should learn by moving and they don't need to be stopped from doing every tiny little thing that isn't perfect, neat behaviour and yet I personally feel so judged sometimes for allowing my child to explore her world in this way (she's only 21MO and on the active side but certainly not excessively so I wouldn't say) Part of parenting positively is asking yourself 'what's the worst that could happen?' And 'what am I actually going to achieve with this battle?' Otherwise your kid is just going to end up having abitruary orders barked at them every 5 minutes and even the best of them won't like that. Do I need to stop my kid poking that knife into the plug socket? Yes! Does it really matter if they drop a few crumbs whilst they're eating or mess about on that chair or even fall off that chair? Probably not. Especially when they're toddlers this is how they learn. And with any kindof empathetic/kind behaviour we simply can't teach this by saying 'no' we teach it by MODELLING it. Lots of cuddles, being empathetic with them, playing nicely with their dolls etc, teaching them to stroke that pet nicely insead of just telling them off when the inevitable happens and they get too rough