To those parents who choose to never say no.

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You hear of people raising their children in this way " I never say the word "no" to my child" or similar.

Why are you using this method? What are you hoping to achieve? How do you deal with other adults that say "no" to your child?

I'm not criticising, genuinely curious.

Would your children never ask for another item? Would they never ask if they were allowed to do something?

But I have friends that have children that are always crossing boundaries and asking questions that they shouldn't be asking

It's almost as though you view asking questions as poor behaviour! Asking if you can get some toys out or do some colouring isn't naughty! It's all very odd I must say!

I didnt say no well i did but if dc said can i have i would say not atm because you are going to x y z or if they wanted to go out to play i woud say its too late or whaterever. I grew up hearing no no no its quite a negative thing to constantly hear obviously i didnt let dc to do what they fancied thats dangerous and indulgent Dc are not special snowflakes that crumple if they dont get their own way they cope

For me it's not a case of never saying no, it's just not saying it constantly. I hear lots of parents saying no and other variants constantly, and children often switching off and ignoring it. So I use positive alternatives where ever possible. She knows if I do say No then I mean it.

I explain things to our dd not to justify but to explain. In the same way as I wouldn't just say no or don't to my husband. For example for either of them I would say "please don't put that there someone could knock it over" I wouldn't just say don't put that there. Or if they said "going to x place " I would say "we are having tea in 5 can you go after tea?"

Think that is what i was meaning Muskateersmumm so when i did/do say no it has impact they know i mean it constant no/dont/stopthat can have children switching off imo

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If we were at home and they wanted another spoon they'd tell me that they're going to get another spoon, then they'd go and get one.

DD asked me where are we going to go on the weekend, I answered that with "What would you both like to do?"

DS not long ago said "Can you please help me get a drink from the fridge?" as the doors are too heavy for him to open, in answer to your other question there is nothing in this house that they're not allowed to do.

Everything I know about children I learned from horses. Training horses, I very much focus on positive reinforcement, ignoring the behaviour you don't want and rewarding the try. Didn't translate exactly to my kids, but actually, a focus on reward not punishment is the way to go with all small creatures, I think.

My teenagers are not tearaways, far from it, so it hasn't been an utter disaster.

I think it's important to say it so that when children say it amongst each other it's heard and listened too.

"There is nothing in this house that they're not allowed to do"

Okaaaayy.

there is nothing in this house that they're not allowed to do

😂😂😂😂😂

Mine are in their early twenties now, I used No, but would qualify it with an
explanation and usually a distraction.

So when 2 year old DD decided she wanted to put the new kitten in the paddling pool, funnily enough I said "no, cats really don't like going into paddling pools, but I bet she'd love to play with you on the grass"

I'd love to know what *TheyOnceSaid" would say in that senario.

Nothing in the house they are not allowed to do?

So they can draw on the walls, kick down the door, snowboard down the stairs and smash all the plates can't they?

I'm strict, and definitely think I'm a "no" parent, but I can see the logic of sometimes avoiding no.

My toddler is stubborn, and sometimes to avoid a tantrum eg because she has asked for the iPad and I don't want her to have it, it makes sense to say "yes after breakfast" or "yes you can have it again tomorrow because you've already played on it today". If she asks for a biscuit and "no" is going to be problematic then I absolutely would say "maybe after dinner" or "yes but have an apple first".

So interestingly (and as per usual) the truth of it is that a bit of both seems to work best.

To the person who asked to hear from people who were brought up like this I am one. I don't really remember my parents ever saying no to me. They would explain the options and consequences and often allowed me to make decisions on things a lot of parents would not give their child an option on. I used to joke about it a lot as it is incredibly hard to rebel properly against parents who discuss options with you are respect your views.

Of course they would shout 'no!' if I was about to stick my hand on a fire and use no as part of a wider discussion, but they didn't just say 'no' on its own and expect me to go along with it.

I deal fine with other people saying no. I was brought up to respect people's decisions as mine were respected, but I will challenge people to explain their reasoning if it is something that effects me.

"there is nothing in this house that they're not allowed to do."

Wow - that's some freedom.

Also the question your son asked "Can you please help me get a drink from the fridge?" is a question that might get a no response. So when you said earlier that "they never ask questions that require a "no" answer" that wasn't entirely true.

Actually I bet the 'there is nothing in the house they are not allowed to do'
It's much easier to have a house that is fully child friendly than having one where you have to say NO don't touch this and don't touch that.
I can also see that if a child was drawing on the walls, he would be redirected towards a sheet of paper instead.

The issue isn't that the child is allowed to do all the things they want but that the answer isn't just NO.
Interesting.

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Or do you only mean the word 'no' wouldn't be used with your children as a negative/telling off kind of thing

Interesting thread. I cannot imagine it is ever possible to parent a child without ever using the word no, little hands reaching up too cooker, child running near road, wish for play date with friend you bumped into on the street at 8pm, etc. However I have come across children minewho respond better to reasoned argument than a flat out no. That said at the the end of their side of the argument they often still require no, just for clarity. They feel listened too when they have given their side but they are not ones to give up easily think argue with her majesty if they got the chance

A recent example was ds, who is not remotely one for chat, telling DH that he should not go out to work and rather stay home with him. Considering DH actually works mainly from home, ds does not lack interaction with him, so after much reasoned in so far as a 4 year old has reason argument from ds suggesting that DH should stay home, DH said no but we will play together later and off he trotted and ds was quite happy with that.

I would simply say "You can put the cat in there if you want to, but then we would have to find her a new home because putting cats in water is cruel because they dislike being in water"

Well if you want to talk to a 2 year old like that, fill your boots. I'd expect the vast majority of 2 year olds would find that comment very difficult to understand. It's so bloody complex!
Why not simply say "don't put the cat in water, they don't like it"

I would just go with 'the cat doesn't want to go in the paddling pool'. We have 2 cats and a paddling pool so this one has come up once or twice

jeepers it's really nice to read your post. I hope my dd feels the way you do when she is older. I remember hating being told no with no explaination further than "because I said so" which is probably why I chose to limit the use of no, or use it in combination with an explaination.

Thanks musketeer. I do have a bit of a reputation at work for questioning everything and refusing to accept 'thats how it is' as a reason for doing things. I also have no fear of authority, which can cause problems with people who think I should doff my cap at them just because they earn more than me. My mum was a raging Marxist though so that probably didn't help :o

This has really helped me