To those parents who choose to never say no.

[00100001]

You hear of people raising their children in this way " I never say the word "no" to my child" or similar.

Why are you using this method? What are you hoping to achieve? How do you deal with other adults that say "no" to your child?

I'm not criticising, genuinely curious.

When I say hit it is never a violent slap just shoving her off in exasperation while she is clinging to him like a limpet. Never hurting or marking her, generally he is more the injured party but she complains first. Before I am accused of rewarding violent behaviour!

For me it totally depends on the child. I am a CM and at the moment I have two very demanding but very different two yr olds. One I have learnt only responds to quick concise instructions, please do this, please do that. No is used with her often. The second child is a negotiator. They want control, so No just wouldn't work. You have to pick your battles. It's far better I provide the second child with choices so they don't feel like I am challenging them, and they retain control.

(Actually both of these children are three in next few weeks)

Whatthefreakinwhatnow

DS6 is at prep school, he knows what is expected of him and he knows that he must listen to his teachers. DD4 is at nursery 2 times a week and she knows the same as DS and all to listen to adults.

Both of them go swimming lessons and the same rule applies.

Arfarfanarf

With respect to your thoughts about not saying "no" to children, and then the world saying no all the time, there are other ways this is true as well.

I was brought up with the idea that tact and politeness were extremely important, and you never made personal remarks, even if they were true. Then in my early twenties I shared a house with someone who was very nice but extremely outspoken and straight talking, and it was quite a shock!

I don't think No is the only way to get a point across, especially with children who can be reasoned with. However its wrong, IMO, to avoid using it at all. It's a big word and needs to be listened too.

It's just you said that they aren't around people who say no, so I find it hard to believe all of these teachers, swim class instructors etc follow your ethos

I would hazard a guess you say no more than you realise I have just caught myself saying it!

I'm not hoping to achieve anything it's just my way of parenting, and my children aren't around people that would tell them "no"

Sorry but you're kidding yourself if you think their prep school teachers, nursery teachers and swimming instructors won't be using the word no.

Besides, 'no' is a very healthy word for kids to learn to use themselves.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow

There's nothing that my child(ren) would be asking their teacher or swimming coach that would require the word no, like I said they are well behaved and always listen.

my DD is well behaved and polite too! It's not just rude requests that require a no in our house you know!

Mum, can I go out to play?

No not at the min DD, tea will be ready soon.

ok!

See, not rude!

What does 'well behaved and always listen', have to do with being told no?

It seems like you've attached so much negativity towards this very important word, that you appear to see it as having only one use...and that's to tell someone off?!

"Miss, can I play with the toy car please?"

Nursery teacher: "No, not now. I think we'll do some class singing instead".

Unless your child can read minds?

Exactly Worra; I am wondering the same thing!

theyoncesaid how do you know what they are asking at school though? and how do you know the teachers don't say no?

WorraLiberty

Firstly my son would not be asking his teacher a question that would be answered with a "no"

What does 'well behaved and always listen', have to do with being told no? confused

It has a lot to do with the word no, my children are the not the type of children to ask for ice-cream for breakfast, ask to stay up late or to ask her nursery teacher if she could play with a toy, whilst another activity is going on

my children are the not the type of children to ask for ice-cream for breakfast, ask to stay up late or to ask her nursery teacher if she could play with a toy, whilst another activity is going on

My children are exactly like that

arf I think my dp lectures to some such adults!
Student- "I missed my exam this morning because I didn read the times property. Can I sit it this afternoon instead?"
Dp-"No"
Student- "but....but..."

I have a 2.6 year old and an 11 month old and I say no when I mean no. If I mean later I say 'later', if I mean don't touch I say 'don't touch'. If ds tries to touch the oven I say 'No, that is hot'. I think it's perfectly acceptable to use the word no.

Really Theyoncesaid, your dc have never pushed any boundaries or asked a question to which the most simple, true answer is no??

001 these children will be learning to deal with NO at school.
I don't believe for a second that they don't and the adults described by nicky aren't the ones who have never told NO but have been patented appropriately and taught boundaries. They are the ones who have been pandered regardless of whether they have ever been told NO or not.

I think a lot of the answers at the start of the thread were insightful. It's not about letting children do what they want, it's about finding a different way to teach them boundaries.

Fwiw my way was to avoid punishments and rewards. Never used them in my house. But my dcs have learnt that they will get punished at school, and it's ok.
Two different places, two different set of rules. Not that unusual.

NickyEds

I can honestly say my children have never crossed any boundaries and they never ask questions that require a "no" answer

But I have friends that have children that are always crossing boundaries and asking questions that they shouldn't be asking.

questions they shouldn't be asking?!

So they've never said can I go outside/play upstairs/go to bed at a time that's not convenient and needed a no, not just now?!

If you say so! 😂😂

Sorry to jump in but They, surely children learn all sorts of facts by asking questions which could be answered with "no"?

Eg-

DD 'Is Fred coming to nursery today?'
Nursery Teacher 'no, not today.'

Or do you only mean the word 'no' wouldn't be used with your children as a negative/telling off kind of thing. In which case I'm not sure how you could police this?

SilentBob

Or do you only mean the word 'no' wouldn't be used with your children as a negative/telling off kind of thing

I really like this idea. I don't parent like this, and there is no way on earth I will be able to stop myself using the word No, if I am going to be brutally honest, but the idea behind it makes some of the conversations much less adversarial.

I'm going to give it a go.

Theyonce it just seems so unlikely that they have never asked a question that might have a "no" response :) There are so many genuine and polite questions that would have that response.

I work with children all the time, who are polite and friendly etc, but they ask questions such as "May I have another spoon?" or "Are we allowed to bring phones on this trip?" "Can I wear sandals?" "are there any more stickers left"

As you say, you know your children and say they don't ask questions like that, so what questions do they ask you then? :)