Baby will only sleep in my arms - advice desperately needed

[lubella]

I am a first - time Mum in need of help, my 3 week old has gone from sleeping quite comfortably in her crib / moses basket to not settling between feeds unless she is being held close - then she drifts into the most wonderful sleep I put her down and she wakes again and starts to cry. ??!!! She is going through a hungry phase - could this have anything to do with it? Also I have had to sleep with her in bed with me as she won't settle in the night for the same reason..would appreciate everyone's thoughts

try to put her down in crib only at night time and use something else for downstairs naps in the day also try to put her down before she drifts off and give her a special toy that is only for nap times she willlearn but it takes time

lubella - firstly, congrats on the birth of your little one! To be honest, I wouldn't stress too much about her sleeping habits just yet. She's only just getting used to the idea she's not inside you anymore and however she's been sleeping for the last few weeks won't be a 'pattern' as such, as there isn't any such thing with a new born apart from a few hours between feeds. If she needs cuddles, give them to her and enjoy it. AS long as you're co-sleeping sensibly (as in following the guidelines about not drinking/smoking/on medication etc) there really is no harm in cuddling together at night. I co-slept with dd2 until she was about 3 months on and off, and she fell asleep in my or dh's arms for much of her napping times. We didn't try to establish a set routnine until she was 3 months and she goes to bed on her own with no problems now so it didn't 'spoil' her. Same with dd1. Enjoy!

My dd was the same at 3 weeks. She is now 25 weeks and settles beautifully on her own. Don't worry - I know it's frustrating because you can't get anything done and you fear it will be like that forever but it won't. My friend, a cognitive psychologist, told me they can't get any bad habits before 3 months. She is just tiny and freaked out about being on her own.

Keep trying to put her down and eventually she'll get the hint! In the meantime just take the time to rest with her - put a dvd on and stare at the beautiful girl you have given birth to. Sounds drippy but I was so busy worrying about stuff during the first month, I didn't appreciate my dd as much as I should have which I feel a bit sad about now.

my boy was like this and it is a really tricky one - what really helped was wrapping him losely in a blanket whilst he fed / got off to sleep. That way he didn't notice as much when he was put down as the warmth a pressure was around him does not suddelnely go - if you know what I mean.

Good luck, This is so like my son and you have to find your way. Ask anything else.

things change week to week with babies. don't worry that this is it she'll never be able to sleep without you. the way i see it, until they're about 2 or 3 weeks they're still waking up from being born. then, around 3 or 4 weeks they wake up and become more aware of their surroundings.

if she wants to sleep on you that's ok. the only bit that isn't ok is if you want to be doing things. then a sling may be a good buy. lots of people swear by them.

don't worry about making 'a rod for your own back' and other nonsense. at this stage you're ust getting through each day as it comes.

in the longer term, a really good book is 'the no cry sleep solution'

My DS2 was like this a few weeks ago from when he was first born to about 6 weeks. I used to get around it by putting him in a sling and attending to ds1 or doing the house work. He is now 9 weeks and I don't have to do it anymore, is content with sitting in his chair looking at me and I thought he was going to be a terrible sleeper, but he now goes to sleep from being put down in his cot awake, was definatley not doing that at 3 weeks though so don't panic.

had you tried swaddling, which feels like being held to them?

Don't fret too much - mine was just the same and he is now an independent toddler who doesn't want to be held! Enjoy the cuddles while you still can as it goes so fast.

I'm with christmas angel. I fretted too much about creating bad habits, and although I didn't, I feel I didn't enjoy enough cuddles with my tiny dd. Make the most of the closeness between you, she'll soon be wriggling to get free of your hold!

Swaddling is fantastic - it really works ime. Best to use on of the stretchy jersey fabric velcro ones as they are not too hot but can be wrapped up nice and firmly. My youngest mindee sleeps really well when swaddled - I tell his sister we are wrapping him up like a parcel or a swiss roll. Hwe loves it!

Thanks you so much everyone some of your comments are sincerely so reassuring - i have been told all sorts of things by well meaning relatives like I have brought it on myself with all the holding and rocking I have been doing ??^* but she is my newborn what am I meant to do?
I have started to question everything..

She really does not take to the swaddling thing I have tried but she get extremely distressed, I will try with the putting down and trying to settle, my Mum has said it is just a phase - after hearung your replies I am inclined to think the same thing..

Please don't worry, the first thing you will learn as a new mother is to trust your instincts, so believe yourself first above well meaning friends and family. I have three children and they were all like this at around 3 weeks, from my experience it's perfectly normal. I was always a stickler for routing when mine were babies and even managed to get the two youngest who were born very close together to nap during the day together.

At three weeks she needs to be held, cuddled and rocked. So long as you keep trying from time to time to put her down for a nap alone you will get there. It may take determination and there may be some tears (yours) along the way, but don't even bother untill she's 3 months. Ignor what a certain parenting guru who cannot be named says.

I would advise that you ensure you are not the only one she'll nap with ie. partner etc just so you get a break or you'll go mad.

get you and her throught the day in the easiest and nicest way (sat on the sofa sounds pretty good for now).

Don't worry at this stage about anything other than that.

Congratulations - I bet you had a beautiful Christmas!

I had a very different Christmas to what I am used to but it was wonderful all the same...still feel like I am in a bit of a "new world" a kind of dream, what is difficult is there are no rules about how to do things, no right or wrong way and I am terrified that something I do now will mean years of sleep deprevation to come! Hope the anxiety will pass and I will get more confident that I have been...

can i just add, these well meaning reltives may well have forgotten what it's like having a newborn. it's easy to make comments when it's not your baby. my dd is 8 months old now, and i already struggle to remember some things when new mums ask how i did this that and the other. so believe me, someone who had a baby 40 years ago is sure to have a hazy memeory of a lot of it.

Hi Lubella!
My 3 (youngest 6 weeks) all lived in the sling or were held for 1st 3 months except for a few hours at night. The two eldest (5 & 3) started to sleep through the night in THEIR OWN BEDS aged 3 months. They are still doing that except when ill or in need of reassurance. Don't worry about starting a trend or bad habits. IMO it makes for a calmer child in long run. Take it from me ... DD2 currently in the throes of terrible gastric reflux so only stops screaming when held. However, as a 3rd timer, I KNOW that it will end soon, it just seems like it might go on forever at the moment ...

Thanks again - last night was awful - she seems to have gone from sleeping in my arms to not sleeping at all now. To be honest I am at the end of my tether - she has had about two hours sleep in 12 hours and is really hyper I just don't know what to do

Hi Lubella, she is still so little, that I think you must go with the flow, as others have said, she won't learn any bad habits at that age.

She is hyper through tiredness, are her arms and legs flailing everywhere? This is why swaddling is so good, but unfortunately you say it distresses her.

I swear by "The Baby Whisperer" for methods of getting them to sleep, really helpful with tips like patting etc. Really worked for dd who was aPITA until about 3 months old.

It will all pass, and she will be completely different again in a few weeks. Rooting for you!

I am in tears as i write this - yes, arms and legs flailing everywhere, showing signs of hunger but has just eaten this is making it impossible to enjoy her - enjoy life with my beautiful baby - surly it's unusual for a baby not to sleep? It feels like I am the only one with this problem - feel so utterly alone

I swear by ring slings - these are fantastic and you sometimes get secondhand ones on ebay. Keep cuddling - it's what babies need. It also helps them to grow up confident. And being near the mother helps to regulate a baby's breathing. And enjoy!!!! (And most definitely ignore people who tell you that cuddling/comforting is bad or harmful).

I meant to say walking around in a ring sling, you can bf in them too, helps little babies to go to sleep and sleep longer.

Showing signs of hunger may be just the rooting reflex, looking for something to suck....dare I suggest a dummy?..hmmm]

Are you sure swaddling distresses her, as this stops flailing arms and legs.

The Baby Whisperer reckons babies need to be taught to sleep, and I had this with dd, but not with ds, so it was a complete shock yo me as well.

Am now going to risk RSI to provide synopsis of BW as you sound desperate.

She has the 4 s's. Soothe, swaddle, shush, and stay (I think)

Soothe, when naptime, get dd into quiet mode by lullabies or cuddling or rocking, but don't let her fall asleep on you.

Swaddle, I guess you must leave this out, but it does stop those flailing limbs, and that reflex thingy.

Shush-this is the most important. Pat dd with a cupped hand at steady heartbeat rate making shushinh type womb noises-make sure she can hear you. BW reccomends on back, but I used to pat dd on tummy, and also stroke her head which she loved. Continue patting and shushing until dd falls asleep. Reduce speed of pats until stopped.

Stay-boring bit, saty for 20 mins until ds is fully asleep as more patting may be required(v. boring)

Worked for my dd, although took some doing. I think a 2 week old baby is meant to sleep a lot-is it about 18 hours? Anyone?

Your dd sounds v tired...remember it clearly..do not give up hope, she will improve. Hope this helps

agree with fizzbuzz, although not having too much luck in the sleep department myself. had to give in and give dd1 a dummy but she stopped at 9 months. has she found her thumb? dd2 finds it every now and again and that comforts her.

she especially loves being held so she can hear heartbeat. if i could i would give you a hug right now. any chance you are able to take her for a walk? exposure to daylight supposed to help sleep, although in this weather it may just cause flu!

I have done all those things she does use a dummy but it only calms her for a min or two - althought maybe not been v patient with the sh and patting - although we have all kept the atmosphere v relaxed, calm - she is feeding ravanously (Formula) but not settling into sleep = keeps waking after 15 mins I am desperate I know she must be so tired so why can't she sleep?

There is something called a slumber bear, which makes womby type noises, and is meant to be really good.

I know you can get it in UK, but don't know where. I'm sure if you google it it will turn up, about £35.00.

BUT do persevere with shushing and patting-it should work. It will change as she gets older, dd has just woken from 3 hour nap, and she was a PITA at 3 weeks old re napping