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Original poster

I NEED SOME SUPPORT RIGHT NOW!! Help please...

86 replies

Flip · 25/05/2004 17:42

We've just lost it with ds1. He hurt himself and I picked him up and sat him on my knee and hugged him. While I was hugging him he tried to strangle me and really hurt me. I pushed him off me and told him I'd fallen out with him and he went upstairs to get changed. Dh went upstairs to ask him what he wanted for tea and ds1 hit him where he shouldn't for no reason. Dh lost it and slapped his legs and then locked him in his room.

I've just spent the last five minutes listening to ds1 trashing his room and dh telling me how he wants to leave home and hates coming home from work at night.

So as calm as you like I went upstairs with a bin bag and went into ds1's room. "Whatever isn't picked up in one minute goes in my bag and you don't see it again!" Give me strength to go back and bin everything. Give me strength to carry on being calm when really I'm wrecked inside.

I haven't bothered changing my name. I didn't see the point. That way anyone who want's to help knows what I'm going through already with ds1.

The breaking has started again.....

OP posts:
mummysurfer · 25/05/2004 20:24

other than your family do you have any outside support, flip

tweeny · 25/05/2004 20:27

i hope you all have a peaceful evening.

carlyb · 25/05/2004 21:18

Flip - when you get a mo let us know how you are getting on x x

tigermoth · 26/05/2004 00:17

hope things have settled down now. I don't know your entire story, flip, but can see this rage is not the first one you've witnessed. My nearly 5 year old gets into bad rages, and says he hates us, but he isn't destructive, so I am not sure I can offer you real advice. I put lots of it down the testosterone and tiredness.

He has a deep sense of pride and fairness, and often his sense of humiliation or injustice is at the root of the anger, but he can't express it well. Sometimes it helps if I ask questions to draw it out of him and sort of sympathise how * is unfair. He sometimes feels better if I put his feelings into words for him and show I understand, even if I can't change the status quo and make his wishes happen. As others have said, distraction works for us well and also, (might seem a cowards way out) I lower my standards eg offer him an ice lolly and a cuddle on the sofa as opposed to toothbrushing and a normal bedtime.

But how do I know that you have not done those sorts of things? what you are going through is more than I have had experience of, so I don't expect you to feel the above answers anything. Sending you a hug.

robinw · 26/05/2004 07:17

message withdrawn

Davros · 26/05/2004 09:13

Urgh, long thread and I was too busy to MN yesterday! I think its essential to get that assessment, I know you're doing everything you can to get seen. In the meantime you could try some basic behaviour management techniques which wouldn't do any harm whether he turns out to have tangible "issues" or not. I know people have suggested this before when someone is waiting for an assessment but I can't remember what books etc have been suggested. Maybe they can repost here or you could look in the SN messages. If you're dealing with depression this could help anyway as you may both feel better, even if it doesn't get to the core of why he's depressed (such as events at school as you suggested). I have to say, when we were at this stage my being upset and threatening to chuck things away would have made NO impression at all so its promising that he understands what you are saying and why.

mummysurfer · 26/05/2004 09:23

Flip,
I've sent you a message via 'contact another talker'. hope things are OK this morning.

Original poster
Flip · 26/05/2004 09:36

Thanks everyone.

I was AWOL last night because firstly I had a long chat with Janh via MSN and then an even longer chat with dh. I'm not sure anything got resolved with dh but he knows how I feel now even if he isn't saying how he feels.

Ds1 resisted school a little this morning but once I got him there he was fine. I managed a quiet word to his teacher about the meltdown and she said there had been issues yesterday and she would talk to him again. His teacher and I had made a deal not to talk about ds1 unless there were things that we thought each other should know so that ds1 didn't think we were ganging up on him. School stuff stayed at school and home stuff stayed at home. But seen as this seemed to cross over I thought we should both be in the know.

I feel a little calmer this morning, especially seen as everything is quiet now with ds1 at school, dh at work and ds2 asleep. So I'm making the most of it because the PIL's arrive.

He scored 71 jimjams which may be mild PDD

At 3.30 I'll just take a deep breath and smile as he comes out of school and pray for a better night.

OP posts:
dinosaur · 26/05/2004 09:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Soulfly · 26/05/2004 09:57

Oh flip, Thats made me cry just reading that. I think your handling things the best way you can and to honest i don't know what i would do in your situation, you're stronger than you think you are. Please know that we are here, maybe not in person but we are here when you need us. Hope you're ok, hugs I'll be thinking of you.

Janh · 26/05/2004 09:58

Morning, Flip!

I'm glad you managed to talk to DH, and that today is calmer. (Bad timing with the ILs though - or is this why they're coming??? )

Hope he has a good day at school and comes out with a smile on his face too.

Ghosty · 26/05/2004 10:06

Flip, nothing to add to this, just wanted to send you hugs and hope that things get better soon and that you get some answers soon ...
Hugs {{{{}}}}
PS ... some fantastic advice on this thread to any parent of a difficult 4/5 year old - Personally I am finding this stage/age the worst (DS is 4 1/2) yet ... almost worse than when he was a young baby and that was pretty awful ..
More hugs {{{}}}

Original poster
Flip · 26/05/2004 10:07

Hi Jan

The IL's are coming for the dog but dh got an E-mail from his mum at work last night hoping everything was okay after FIL called her from his work to tell her things weren't. So no doubt the third degree when they arrive. I may just go out and leave the dog in the house so they can pick her up.

OP posts:
Janh · 26/05/2004 10:11

If you know what time they're coming then that sounds like a great plan.

webmum · 26/05/2004 10:20

Flip

just wanted to add my support, and I'm glad things were a bit better today.

I can't even imagine what you're going through, so can't give you any advice, but just send you lots of hugs!

Soulfly · 26/05/2004 10:28

I too am glad things are better today. hugs flip

Sonnet · 26/05/2004 10:42

Oh Flip - I have just read this thread with tears in my eyes - what a heart rendering thing to have to go through.
I cannot help in anyway - I think you are handleing it so so well.
I do so hope you get the help you all need.
I'll keep my fingers crossed at 3.30 !

suedonim · 26/05/2004 11:41

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, Flip. My ds2 used to have similar episodes, minus the verbal lashings, due to medication he had to take, and food additives, so I can guess how exhausted you must feel now. I hope you manage to get to the bottom of it soon. Take care.

islandgirl · 26/05/2004 12:02

Flip - just to say thinking of you and hope tonight is better. Don,t know if it might help, -one mum at toddler group was having behavioural issues with her 7 year old, and had been referred to a family unit for councelling, and then tried her on fish oil tablets. Within 3 weeks there was an improvement in her behaviour, and she is MUCH calmer and happier, and 3.30 is not a dredadful time for her mum.

Janh · 26/05/2004 15:56

OK, Flip?

Twinkie · 26/05/2004 16:09

Don;t have any wise words I am afraid but hope today is a bit better.XXX

Davros · 26/05/2004 17:03

I don't mean to belittle Flip's problems and its great to see such support but, those of you in tears, come and visit us on the SN board sometimes.......
(oh dear, is this an unwise post)

gscrym · 26/05/2004 17:11

How did things go today? Was DS any better after school?

marthamoo · 26/05/2004 17:17

Sorry, flip, I didn't see this yesterday. I think you are doing astonishingly well, with your thyroid problems, PND, baby, and less than helpful dh. I have no experience of the kind of behaviour you are describing but it sounds very much like you need help NOW - is there anyone (GP?) who can hurry up your appointment with the psychologist?

I agree with other people - he is not behaving like this to be vindictive, or because he doesn't love you. Having spent several hours stuck in a park shelter in the rain with you I can say with certainty that you are a lovely Mum and a very nice person to boot! I hope you get the help you need and soon. Take care xx

dinosaur · 26/05/2004 17:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.