I NEED SOME SUPPORT RIGHT NOW!! Help please...

[Flip]

We've just lost it with ds1. He hurt himself and I picked him up and sat him on my knee and hugged him. While I was hugging him he tried to strangle me and really hurt me. I pushed him off me and told him I'd fallen out with him and he went upstairs to get changed. Dh went upstairs to ask him what he wanted for tea and ds1 hit him where he shouldn't for no reason. Dh lost it and slapped his legs and then locked him in his room.

I've just spent the last five minutes listening to ds1 trashing his room and dh telling me how he wants to leave home and hates coming home from work at night.

So as calm as you like I went upstairs with a bin bag and went into ds1's room. "Whatever isn't picked up in one minute goes in my bag and you don't see it again!" Give me strength to go back and bin everything. Give me strength to carry on being calm when really I'm wrecked inside.

I haven't bothered changing my name. I didn't see the point. That way anyone who want's to help knows what I'm going through already with ds1.

The breaking has started again.....

OMG hugs... I do not know much in way of helpful things to say. But just to offer hugs... Is it attention seeking well even if it is ,it is still hard work seeing the reasoning.
Sorry how old is he?
Do bin it if that is what you have told him or put it in the loft, refuse to furnish him with more things to damage..
Oh golly I cannot think of anythign really useful I am so sorry.
Someone else will help I know it
Big hugs Pip

Oh Sweetie, I really feel for you (((()))) hugs.
How old is he?
I don't have any advice, but if it was me I would go back upstairs and bin everything, but in a black bag and put it the shed - if you can't bear to throw it out.
I would also ask husband to be in charge while you go out for a fifteen minute walk to try and calm yourself

I dont know your story Flip but wanted to answer. fwiw i think you did the right thing. I hope someone who knows you better will come but I'm on and off while cooking

He wont come to harm in his room if you want to leave him there while you calm down. I do agree about bagging his stuff. Wish I could help more.

Poor poor you flip. Sounds like you are having a horrid time. How old is ds1? If he's old enough to understand I think I would try very very hard to swallow your anger and sadness, take 17 deep breaths, count to 1000, and go in and say "Oh dear, ds1. I really didn't want tonight to go like this and nor did Daddy. Can we start again?" Then give him a hug if he'll let you, help him tidy, have an easy dinner, telly and bed?

Oh Flip. I agree with the others that you need some time to calm down before going back upstairs.

Have you had any luck in getting a referral for ds1 to see someone about your concerns? I know it's hard but it may be an idea to start keeping a diary of these kinds of incidents so that you have lots of evidence for whoever assesses ds1.

Does ds1 usually like being hugged? I only ask because often when my ds1 is tired he can't tolerate people being close to him and will lash out. My dh too has been on the receiving end of a few hits 'down there' during these times.

Oh shit Have to agree, easy from the outside I know but try again. Ignore DH saying he wants to leave and just concentrate on Ds. Deep breaths, fixed smile and try calm, quiet reasoning. Offer him a hug when he is ready, say you'll be on your bed if he wants to come in for a cuddle, go an lie down and take each minute as it comes.

Am new and don't know anyone yet really but wanted to echo support. Sounds as if you and hubby aren't having a good time over this and could also do with support to help you present a united front. Agree about toys etc but (tell me if I'm mis-reading you) problem seems to be made even worse by your dh's comments which sound harsh when you need his support most. Forgive me if I got that totally wrong but I do feel for you and your situation and wish I could help. How old is your son? Are you in an area where you can seek help locally. Be assured you'll get lots of cyber support here though.

Ds1 is five and I'm still waiting to hear when he can see the phycologist but he has been accepted on their books which is a start.

I've just been in to him and he's put everything in the bin himself and is sat on the floor rocking in just his under pants. All his school clothes are in the bin and his shoes. I told him very camly that I don't like it when he get's upset like this. He said he was through with us. I hate the lot of you. I'm through with school, with you, with dad, with ds2, with the dog. Everyone! I'm never going to school ever again and I'm not living here anymore.

As for letting dh deal with it, that would be a bad idea. You'd probably see him on Sky News in a siege or something. So I'm pretending to be calm with ds1 and dh and staying away from ds2 because he'll pick up on how much I'm hurting inside.

Is it any wonder dh thinks he's in a loveless relationship when every day is a battle like this. Is the last thing I think about!

Flip, you're not alone ... been through this a thousand times with my dss and it's really tough. There's no easy answers. Just calm down, ignore the breaking as much as you can, he is waiting for a reaction, so try not to give it to him. No doubt after a short period, he'll have also calmed down. Go in his room and ask him to help you tidy up, stay calm, I know it's hard. If he's in agreement then fine, do it together, then ask him to apologise to you and your dh. If this is a regular pattern for his behaviour, do yourself a favour and get some help. HTH in the meantime

Actually, better advice from scrummymummy. Wish I had that kind of patience when things get heated. Good luck.

Oh Flip, I don't have any advice, but hope you make it through the rest of the evening intact.

Messages keep appearing as I'm thinking but my heart totally goes out to you. You really do need help and lots of suport. Anyone close nearby with a shoulder for you or a listening ear for when things settle down a bit?

I'll be over at my neighbours when the kids are quiet and hers are. She's going through hell with her three year old who has a problem with additives and needs close supervision.

Hugs, Flip. Let us know how it goes. xxx

Welcome to mumsnet, Aero.

I'm worried that social services are going to end up getting involved. I'm doing everything I can and the more I think about it the more I worry that school are going to call them in. I'm sure they would have already if my dad didn't work there.

I'm scared that ds1 is going to hurt himself. He seems depressed. Is it possible that a five year old would do that? He's said before that he wants to run in front of a car so he'll get knocked down and die.

I don't know what to do and there's no one who can help me at this time of day. Even my mothers away on holiday.

The more I think, the more I get upset.

What is your son being assessed for? Am I right in thinking you are considering AS? (May be remembering that incorrectly). I only ask as this sounds VERY VERY like a standard autistic type meltdwon. REALLY like one.

If so all it signals is that everything got too much and he lost control. They really do lose control (and I guess even if your son isn't remotely AS maybe NT kids can get overloaded and meltdown when stressed). When they do lose control it isn;t attention seeking- its just too much.

What I find helpful when everything has calmed down is to sit and cuddle for a while. Then try to get to bed, perhaps a cuddle in bed again, then my time. And of course a long wistful look at them when asleep.

Flip - If SS really did get involved then you might find that ds1 gets fast-tracked to some help. In any case I think it's unlikely that the school would call them in without talking to you first.

I'm wondering if it's AS Jimjams. That's what I want him checking for but the phycologist says it's to deal with a very unhappy depressed little boy. Helping him will help me. Because I'm a depressed and unhappy mum and he's also got a stressed out and bordering on meltdown dad.

As for the hug, he won't let me anywhere near him and says he doesn't want me or his dad in his room.

Flip- yes it is possible for a young child to be depressed. My son was depressed for 4 months after his brother was born- he was 2 at the time. We were very worried about him. He did come out of it though.

What things stress your son? Is he struggling at school?

Don't worry about SS- when you get to see the psych hopefully you will start to get the help you need. If it is something undiagnosed at the moment then life becomes HUGELY easier with a diagnosis. Even if it isn;t anything that needs a diagnosis just having that input form outside helps. You can request help from SS though. They're not into splitting up families, and once you see the psych it mught be worth asking about any help ss provide (although I woudl understand why you didn;t want to - despite saying all this I have avoided them like the plague)

Oh heck- honest to god if you are thinking AS, then I would try and push to see someone who knows. Is this psych capable of diagnosing it? Might be worth seeing your GP, explaining your concerns, talking about the meltdown (and anything else AS like that he shows) and asking for a referral to a developmental paediatrician. Some psychs are good (a clinical psych diagnosed ds1 before the paed) but a paediatrician is better.

He saw a peads expert when he was three and she said he was NT. If it's mild, would she have been able to pick it up then?