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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Is my wife a bad mother?

92 replies

stayathomedadtoson · 19/01/2015 08:58

Is my wife a bad mother? I know this sounds an awful thing to say but we are now on baby number 3 and so far all our babies have been really miserable, whiny and very unsmiley. We just spent the weekend with 3 other families all with babies (18 months) of the same age as our number 3 and they were all smiling and chatting whilst our son just sat on the couch giving everyone death stares. I love my wife and she loves the children but I have noticed she is not as jolly and playful with our baby as other mothers. She tends to chat with other parents and basically ignore our son. The other mothers seemed much more focused on their children, playing with them and teaching them songs whereas my wife just seems to let ours get on with things. She is very cuddly and definitely adores the children and does everything for them but she is just not very hands on when it comes to playing with them. I have spoken to her about it and she says that juggling three kids is hard enough without trying to be a full time entertainer. Could this be the reason why number 3 is just so whiny and miserable the whole time? I am really not trying to criticise her as I think she does an amazing job just interested in other peoples feedback on this. Basically what I am trying to say is if you want a happy smiley interactive baby do you have to invest yourself full time in entertaining them and teaching them to be like this?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

flanjabelle · 19/01/2015 09:04

I think it would be very unwise for anyone to pass judgement like that from a snippet of information.

WhatKatyDidnt · 19/01/2015 09:07

Do you interact with your children?

Seeline · 19/01/2015 09:07

Do you play with your children, interact with them, teach them songs? My DH does.

HoraceCope · 19/01/2015 09:07

what about you? are you smiley? perhaps you should take it upon yourself to be their entertainer?

Skatingfastonthinice · 19/01/2015 09:08

So, how do you interact with your children?
Perhaps you could take a week off, your wife stays with friends and you try juggling three children and entertaining them. Parenting is a joint endeavour, and if you feel that you are poor parents it's a good idea to look honestly at why and what you can both do about it.
Read up, go to toddler groups and find out what works and what doesn't for the three unique individuals you have produced.

Skatingfastonthinice · 19/01/2015 09:08

He he, multiple cross-posts.

loudarts · 19/01/2015 09:08

Some babies are just grumpy

WhatKatyDidnt · 19/01/2015 09:10

TarkaTheOtter · 19/01/2015 09:12

Babies are just different. Some are happy, some are not. I have one of each. I guarantee there will have been an aspect of performance parenting from the other mums, particularly if these are there first babies. You really don't need to be entertaining them all the time - it's a good thing that they learn to play by themselves.

I would be devastated if my husband thought I was a bad mother so please don't let this thought come across to her.

ChaircatMiaow · 19/01/2015 09:12

Have my first

DeliciousMonster · 19/01/2015 09:12

Perhaps they take after their dad?

Poofus · 19/01/2015 09:12

If you're the stay-at-home dad, shouldn't it be your interactions that are key here?

Goingintohibernation · 19/01/2015 09:13

Going by your name, it would appear that you are, or have at some point stayed at home and looked after the DC, so if they were miserable, by your way of thinking, that would be your fault? Did/do you play and interact with them? There is no way we can answer your question from the information given.

TarkaTheOtter · 19/01/2015 09:13

Just seen your username

Skatingfastonthinice · 19/01/2015 09:13

Yup.
Some parents create an air of tension that seems to worry children too.

' I love my wife and she loves the children but I have noticed she is not as jolly and playful with our baby as other mothers. She tends to chat with other parents and basically ignore our son.'

So you study her instead of playing with your son? How is that different?
Why not seize the moment to model the lively interaction you feel is missing?
Perhaps your wife is stir crazy and craves the company of other non-judgy adults.

MrsKCastle · 19/01/2015 09:13

You say that you love your wife, but you don't say that you love your children. In fact you don't have anything positive to say about them at all. You seem to view them as being your wife's sole responsibility.

I think you should take a good hard look at your own parenting before you critisise your wife.

ireallydontlikemonday · 19/01/2015 09:14

How much do you entertain them?

molesbreath · 19/01/2015 09:14

I think there's a lot of learned behaviour ie kids copy their parents.

I know I am quite a quiet person and can happily spend the hours whilst the kids are at school without saying a word. I made an effort to be extra chatty when youngest was little and at home with me as hoe do they learn otherwise ?

I don't think your wife is a bad parent. No. It's hard with 3 kids I know - but maybe you could both take a look at things and improve the situation for all.

Skatingfastonthinice · 19/01/2015 09:15

What an interesting first post ever.
I hope you are able to carry on a conversation with us, rather than just throw the grenade and run.

306235388 · 19/01/2015 09:16

Christ. If she loves them and looks after them and cuddles them and interacts with them then no, she doesn't sound like a bad parent.

What do you do with the kids?

Some kids just aren't that sociable - what are your older kids like now? Neither of my kids were especially chatty and sociable with people they didn't know well and that's fine, they're not there as some kind of entertainment for adults.

My kids are now 8 and 4 and both very popular, chatty and sociable.

treaclesoda · 19/01/2015 09:18

The tone of your post is pretty unpleasant, comparing your wife negatively with other mothers and trying to lay the blame on her for not entertaining the children enough.

But, since you asked, my children were always happy, smiley, chatty toddlers. And I never 'entertained' them. I don't sit and teach them songs. I cuddle and chat to them. I pretend to drink the inevitable pretend cups of tea. Maybe a bit of a chat with other adults is a welcome respite. I loathe the idea that children should be interacted with for every waking hour. A bit of balance is needed.

Kleptronic · 19/01/2015 09:18

Yes, some babies are just grumpy. My sister was one. She cried every single day until the day she walked, almost broke my mother, she had to go away for two weeks at one point even though there was no money at all for a holiday.

I also second what everyone else says - do you play with him? Or is your role limited to observation and critique?

I wouldn't like to be 'spoken to' about this either. Respectful adults are supposed to have a discussion about things, not one be 'spoken to' by the other. You might think it's just a turn of phrase, but semantics are important!

You could always take that week off, and see to them yourself, then come back and tell us what you think.

ReallyTired · 19/01/2015 09:18

I am confused by your post and wondering if its a reverse AIBU. Who is the stay at home parent. Is the stay a home parent depressed (ie. you!) and seeing your child through a negative filter.

All babies go through periods of being grumpy and whiney. It doesn't mean that they are badly parented, maybe your son is teething and has a cold. Depression can mean that the bad days seem worse.

It sounds like someone in this senario needs a break. Do you have family nearby?

Original poster

stayathomedadtoson · 19/01/2015 09:20

Sorry I might have come across wrong but this is in NO WAY a criticism of my wife. I am not saying what she does is wrong and yes I have spent time at home with my kids who I love very much and I understand how hard work it is and yes it is also my responsibility to play and be jolly with them. I understand all of that. But the point of my post was just that I was wondering if you want a happy smiley interactive baby do you have to invest yourself full time in entertaining them and teaching them to be like this? I am not trying to cause a backlash and try and criticise anyone. I am just concerned that maybe we are doing something wrong. As my wife is currently the prime carer I put her as the main subject of this as I am currently working away a lot. PLEASE THIS IS NOT A CRITICISM. As I said she loves them and is very affectionate with them but she does not (and can not I understand that) spend her time singing and playing and entertaining our son. I just wondered is this can affect their temperament

OP posts:

treaclesoda · 19/01/2015 09:20

gah, first ever post you say?

I've just fallen for a goady wind up haven't I?

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