Is my wife a bad mother?

[stayathomedadtoson]

Is my wife a bad mother? I know this sounds an awful thing to say but we are now on baby number 3 and so far all our babies have been really miserable, whiny and very unsmiley. We just spent the weekend with 3 other families all with babies (18 months) of the same age as our number 3 and they were all smiling and chatting whilst our son just sat on the couch giving everyone death stares. I love my wife and she loves the children but I have noticed she is not as jolly and playful with our baby as other mothers. She tends to chat with other parents and basically ignore our son. The other mothers seemed much more focused on their children, playing with them and teaching them songs whereas my wife just seems to let ours get on with things. She is very cuddly and definitely adores the children and does everything for them but she is just not very hands on when it comes to playing with them. I have spoken to her about it and she says that juggling three kids is hard enough without trying to be a full time entertainer. Could this be the reason why number 3 is just so whiny and miserable the whole time? I am really not trying to criticise her as I think she does an amazing job just interested in other peoples feedback on this. Basically what I am trying to say is if you want a happy smiley interactive baby do you have to invest yourself full time in entertaining them and teaching them to be like this?

ok if it makes all of you happier

1. I don't see my kids very often. I try to be a good dad as much as I can but I unfortunately my job takes me a way a lot.
2. I love my kids and wife A LOT. They mean the world to me
3. My wife is an amazing woman and amazing mother
4. Yes our babies have all been miserable (2 I was at home with as I lost my job and my wife is at home with number 3 who is miserable and whiny most of the time.)
5. Older 2 are lovely and happy (albeit quite serious which before anyone jumps down my neck is not a bad thing)
6. Just wondered if parents (lets not generalise) who spend their whole time entertaining, singing, dancing and obsessing about their babies make happier babies? OR whether parents who LOVE their children but have to get on with every day life and care for them as much as they can but don't spend their time entertaining them and are perhaps more "serious" with them make less happy babies. Does that offend less?

I think you have a problem expressing what your concerns really are, because your comments are very contradictory.

she is an amazing mum vs Is my wife a bad mother?
My 2 older kids are happy and loving vs all our babies have been really miserable, whiny and very unsmiley
When I was at home with the others of course I found it hard and didn't spend my time dancing around the house when we just had to get through each day vs my wife just seems to let ours get on with things

So you know her parenting style produces happy loving children?

No in my humble opinion some children go through grumpy stages which is mostly unaffected by parenting except at the extreme level (real neglect tends not to make children very smiley )

Do you think large families with children who don't get intensive parenting play relentlessly produce miserable children?

I just don't get this at all.

Well the fact that you've pointed out that you were the the "bad" parent who made your eldest two miserable whereas your wife is making your youngest miserable is certainly a bit more honest and fairer than trying to make her out to be the reason why your youngest is a bit grumpy.

Only1scoop
I think (correct me if I'm wrong)

OP feels that his child showed up their poor parenting skills by being the grumpy child at the gathering and is pondering if he instructs his wife to be more playful and sing more songs his child will be more socially acceptable.

I may be exaggerating a little for effect...

If shes an amazing mother why isthe title of your post Is my wife a BAD MOTHER?

My DC are all happy, smiley, chatty, confident children.

And I can't abide kids or playing imaginary games or singing crappy songs so.....meh

There is also a theory that small children who are relentlessly entertained by the adults around them struggle to learn self-sufficiency and how to play and amuse themselves without it. They need an audience, to be interacted with and the focus of attention and don't know what to do without that happening.

'4) Yes our babies have all been miserable (2 I was at home with as I lost my job and my wife is at home with number 3 who is miserable and whiny most of the time.)
5) Older 2 are lovely and happy (albeit quite serious which before anyone jumps down my neck is not a bad thing)

So your babies all start off grumpy and miserable and grow out of it?

There are most definitely mothers out there who don't meet their DCs' emotional needs - and, IME, those mothers are unlikely to meet their DCs' other needs either, as they grow up.

Thanks Kew....

I was a tad confused at were they all miserable babies and now the older two are not miserable anymore....I lost track somewhere there....Think I kind of get where Op is coming from.

I suggest she performs a tumble clown routine on the hour.... with a big red horn nose and perhaps holds a flower that squirts water at random intervals....perhaps a funny car.

My daughter was always a happy baby.

My youngest is much more whiney when her sisters are about or when I'm trying to talk to someone or get something done, so basically she's sweet and smiley when she has my full attention and moany when she has to share it. She also does chronic death stares when the mood takes her! She's 23 months and the youngest of 3. So I think it could be a learning to share the attention type thing, maybe?

My ex was always comparing me and my dc unfavourably with everyone else and their dc. Their kids were always better behaved, not as fussy, happier etc. I hated him for it and still do. He still does it now. I think it's horrendously disloyal and damagingly critical and it was a big factor in my dumping him.

Maybe your child is a high needs baby? I have one of those, she is 8 and still is like that but I have learned to play to her strengths and jolly her along. I'm quite irritated by your posts. In your last one you say you don't see your kids much because you work away. Ever thought that maybe THAT is an issue? Kids need to adjust to changes in their environment and that would include you popping in and out.

It's really easy being a parent and judging others parenting when you don't have to do much yourself.

DH & I both work. We have had to since DS was 6 months old. Even when we got home we didn't spend every waking moment entertaining, playing, singing, organising his day & revolving our lives around his every whim. Nor did the people who looked after him while we worked.

He is a very happy, funny, intelligent, settled, confident, popular amazing little boy. Not because he was fussed over from morn till night, but because he feels safe, knows he is loved, knows we are there for him when he needs us. We do family stuff, play games - when there's time. He's happy to entertain himself.

Everyone here has pointed out that all families are different. But you're not getting this. You're just obsessed with the fact that your son isn't exactly the same as a couple of other children you saw for a maximum of 48 hours. And are blaming your wife for this.

I have one of those relentlessly happy children. So much so she is known as 'smiler' at nursery. In any group of children she will be the one giggling or laughing.

This is most emphatically not down to any superior parenting skills on my part, she was born that way. She's just a sunny little personality, and I am very grateful while that lasts. I am sure she will turn into a sullen teen at some point to make up for it.

Give your wife a break, I mean that in both senses, metaphorical and literal. She might be considerably more fun with the dcs after you have sent her off for a spa weekend with her best friend and taken over for all responsibilities at home. Including the housework.

Most parents are pretty blinkered and think their children are the bees knees.

Ha ha ha - thats so true! I was trying to work out what it is about the OP's posts I found disconcerting. It sounds like an experiment in social engineering rather than a devoted father talking about his much loved children.

"Hmmmm, if we tweak this widget here and press that button, will they be a little more perfect?"

Of course its OK to be concerned about both your children and the quality of your parenting but you do make it sound more like an essay topic.

Honestly op, you get a lot of 'competitive parenting' at any gathering with children. It only takes one parent to start being entertaining, and all the others think 'shit,I better arse around with mine' !

Your wife sounds like she wisely took the opportunity to have some adult conversation, and a break from the 'permanently miserable' dc.

They do all go through stages of just being whiney for no reason, as you've found with your eldest two.

Why don't you try an experiment instead of relying on your wife? You sound like you're wanting to analyse something that you don't have enough data to analyse.

Play with your youngest in a really fun and extrovert way for 1 hr each day over a week or two. Keep a diary of mood, plus time of day, how much sleep the child has had, food, other activities of the day etc.

Then spend the same amount of time giving the child attention but not happy happy smiley full on stuff. More like quiet and serious engagement. Make notes in the same way.

Then don't engage much at all (am assuming that's what usually happens due to work and division of labour), as a control. Again with the notes.

My hypothesis would be the child thrives when given more attention of either type. And that it will depend on the natural personality of both carer and child as to what type of engagement appeals. And time of day, energy and mood at that moment... And that children don't like fake engagement so much. Either not really paying attention or forced interaction where you're pretending to be one thing (a clown) when you're really the other (a serious person).

I cannot see how you will reach a fair answer otherwise as you naturally seem to blame your wife and seem to ignore any effect your own behaviour, presence or absence is causing.

Ok, ignoring the bad mother thing for a moment an addressing point no. 6, I think it's unrealistic to expect anyone to entertain a baby 24/7. The world does not revolve around the baby and to set up a situation where children expect their every whim to be met on demand is not good for anyone. I'm not talking about their basic needs here obviously and so long as she doesn't ignore the baby all day long then I think she's probably doing the best she can.

I have only read the OPs posts. I can guess what the replies say. :o

And if this goes poof then so be it. But heres my two cents.

I have a relative whose children are all older now and in the throes of teenage angst, but I would babysit them when they were babies and young children. Quite frankly they were a nightmare. Whiny, unhappy, grumpy and difficult.

She was the most attentive mother I have ever known. She would be down on the floor right in the thick of it with them. She gave in to their tantrums. She was and still is happy and smily and jolly. But her kids were just awful.

I on the other hand, would say that on the whole my kids are happy enough. We have days of whining and my eldest is going through a bit of a crazy phase right now, but generally my kids laugh a lot and are happy. I never get on the floor and play with them. TBH most of the week I am on my laptop while the youngest plays or watches TV.

So to answer your actual question, your wifes parenting is not IMO having a direct effect on their behaviour. And perhaps when you are out with other parents she is glad to get a break and ignores your son because she feels you should step up and give her a break.

I think your title is unfortunate, and your initial concern about whether the responsibility for entertainment lies at your wife's door (rather than your own) jars a bit, but in your latter posts I think I can see what you're asking?

If you're saying 'does a PARENT make a baby happy if they play with them' then it's a reasonable question.

I often feel inadequate as a parent, because I seem to have given birth to needy little toddlers. Everyone else had sunny, demur, quiet toddlers, not screechy, wriggly, busy little creatures like mine! However my eldest is school age now and is very gentle and thoughtful, and delights on making people laugh at his antics. He's got through his teething, his reflux, his glue ear and subsequent poor language skills. Now I feel a proud mother and not an inadequate one, because HIS stage moved on and he is now a delightful little happy boy.

I have read articles that warn parents about helicopter parenting when it comes to play. Of course do so I you wish, and there's a place for it, but apparently if you do it too much you rob them of their independence.

I sympathise with your wife and agree with her that she can't realistically be expected to perform tricks for them. But as other users suggest, maybe you could take on that task from time to time

Surely the correlation, if there is one, is down to a parent's genes and those they pass on to their children?

FWIW, I had 4 children. The first one stood out from all his peers (ie at toddler group, when visiting friends with children the same age) because he had the biggest sense of humour and laughed like a drain at everything (think the babies on the Cow & Gate adverts). I am outgoing and used to do a lot of the stuff the OP is saying his wife doesn't do - mucking about, singing, making silly noises - and my ds loved it. Did he stay that way? No. He is an adult now and he is painfully introverted, never belly laughs, and is a totally different person to me.

2nd child was a solemn little thing as a toddler, although he would laugh with his older brother. Now - again nearly an adult - he is the life and soul of any group, has a great sense of humour and is always making us fall about laughing.

That said, of my 4 children, he is the only extrovert and I don't feel any of my children have the same propensity to silliness and frivolity that I do. I blame their father!