Is my wife a bad mother?

[stayathomedadtoson]

Is my wife a bad mother? I know this sounds an awful thing to say but we are now on baby number 3 and so far all our babies have been really miserable, whiny and very unsmiley. We just spent the weekend with 3 other families all with babies (18 months) of the same age as our number 3 and they were all smiling and chatting whilst our son just sat on the couch giving everyone death stares. I love my wife and she loves the children but I have noticed she is not as jolly and playful with our baby as other mothers. She tends to chat with other parents and basically ignore our son. The other mothers seemed much more focused on their children, playing with them and teaching them songs whereas my wife just seems to let ours get on with things. She is very cuddly and definitely adores the children and does everything for them but she is just not very hands on when it comes to playing with them. I have spoken to her about it and she says that juggling three kids is hard enough without trying to be a full time entertainer. Could this be the reason why number 3 is just so whiny and miserable the whole time? I am really not trying to criticise her as I think she does an amazing job just interested in other peoples feedback on this. Basically what I am trying to say is if you want a happy smiley interactive baby do you have to invest yourself full time in entertaining them and teaching them to be like this?

Who is the stay at home parent? I'm confused.

People commented on how smiley my DD was as a baby and she is a very happy, chatty, confident little girl. That isn't because I played with her lots. Playing with small children is unbelievably dull. My DD just has a very happy temperament.

Is your wife a SAHM? And, if yes, does she want to be? My DD gets played with lots at nursery. Perhaps that is part of where she gets her needs met.

well if neither of you are the smiley type chances are your off spring wont be either.

In the same way that not all adults are happy, smiley people, neither are all babies/children. I don't think it has anything to do with how they are parented.
However, if you are away a lot, maybe your Ds is missing you being around. Maybe he was a bit overwhelmed with being with so many other people. Maybe he is teething or felt a bit poorly or tired. Loads of reasons for being a bit whiney.
How old are your other kids?
Is your wife at home with them all, all the time?

The simple answer seems to be that your wife isn't a bad mother on the evidence you have given, that children don't have to have every moment and exciting, interactive hyperactive experience to be happy and that temperaments vary as widely amongst toddlers and babies as adults.
You are however, coming across as something of an inadequate partner to me.

I do think smiley parents make smiley babies. But on the other hand my 7 month old baby is incredibly smiley and happy, and since he was about 3 or 4 months old I haven't really needed to sing, play, interact etc all the time in order to entertain him - he just entertains himself exploring the room happily until he starts to get tired and grumpy.

Talking of tired, could it be that your babies are irritable if they are not getting enough sleep in the form of naps? All the 'grumpy' babies I know happen to be the same babies whose parents say they 'don't nap'...

My dd was the grumpiest baby ever. She didn't even crack a smile for me unless I basically acted the loon. It was commented on a lot. She however suffered from robgue tie and reflux so was in discomfort and pain plus wasn't getting enough sleep at all. But I was also quite miserable which didnt help.

My ds (my first) was a very jolly baby mostly so I didn't blame myself much for dd.

If this post is real, then I don't think it is unreasonable to be worried about your ds's parenting. If your babies are whiny, as you put it, this will be draining for her. Have you ruled out reasons eg reflux, being very tired etc etc?

One of our friends is happy, smiley, interactive, plays with her boys, invests time & effort. They are both miserable, whiney (as you put it) and give 'death stares'. Especially I'm unfamiliar environments like you've just described.

If it's not a criticism, why is you thread titled Is My Wife A Bad Mother?

You cannot understand why she isn't spending every waking moment singing & playing with your son (and how would you know if you work away a lot?). Maybe it's because she's looking after the others as well, you, taking care of the house, being run ragged - as you're away a lot. Sensing your dissatisfaction that she isn't Mary Poppins. Gods forbid she isn't welded to your child like a Disney character.

Do you know what? I'm a great mum to dd, but I'm with her full time during the week and come the weekend I hand over entirely to dh. He is very silly with her and I often hear them giggling away together.

We went to a party yesterday and he spent about 90% of the time with dd and I was laughing and chatting with the others. Anyone watching us would probably have said I was a bad mum but I don't actually care. I was having some time off and some space from her which makes me a better mum when I am with her during the week.

I'm slightly baffled about why if you are the stay at home Dad that you think your wife's input is causing a problem

If it makes you feel any better my son was institutionalised for his first year, he learnt VERY young (younger than 18 months!) that to get any attention he had to be perky and smiley and charm people. So to the uninformed eye people thought he was a charming smiley baby but sadly what he'd learnt was that if you didn't do that you got a LOT less attention.

I understand most people don't come across children who have been seriously neglected but honestly mate, not playing with your children constantly really doesn't make it into my top ten list list of "How to screw up your child". Living with a partner who didn't take their own responsibility for raising their children might though.

If you genuinely think there's a problem with your son then discuss it with your wife. You know, like an adult.

For someone who assures us you're not criticising your wife, you certainly have an unfortunate way with words.

My parenting style sounds a bit like your wife's. I love my kids but hated entertaining them when they were toddlers, apart from reading to them. I love it now they're older and we can discuss proper science or history or politics, and we can watch films together that aren't Disney, and go to interesting museums etc. My older child has a very short fuse, so can be awful when she loses her temper, which she did a lot as a toddler, but she's growing up to be lovely now. My younger DD has always been happy and sweet natured. So I don't think your wife's parenting style matters too much. They both went to nursery full-time though and we're entertained plenty there.

As other posters have said, you don't say how much you entertain them. Your wife has a lot of good parenting skills, so maybe you could take on the more 'entertainer' type role. I've noticed a lot of dads who do this, while the mother does more of the essential work like washing, cooking, ironing, changing nappies, feeding etc.

You don't sound to me like you've bonded with your children very well.

all our babies have been really miserable, whiny and very unsmiley
I love my wife and she loves the children

You don't say I love my wife and children - interesting.

You sound more like you want your children to be more socially acceptable to others.

Does you wife think of the children as being miserable and whiney?

DS was the happiest baby and beamed at everybody in sight from two weeks old. DH and I are grumpy sods, so it was nothing to do with us

Please clarify who spends most time with the children? Your name suggests that your are a SAHD, yet you talk about working away and your wife being the primary carer? How much time are you spending playing with your children and singing songs? If you are away with work, what do you do to help your wife find all this time for focused play - given that she is presumably singlehandedly responsible for housework, feeding, clothing, laundry etc etc?

Is your wife a bad mother? No, not on the examples you have given.

However if you consistently talk about your DCs negatively (ie saying they are whiny and miserable) then that will impact on them. Just as it's not your wife's job to be an entertainer. It's not your DCs' job to present a sunny smiley face to you at all times or to 'compete' with your friends' smiley DCs.

If you're genuinely concerned about your DCs then try not to be. Some DCs cry more than others. Even in the same family. My DSIS' youngest was always miserable. Her eldest two were always cheery. Arguably the youngest received more attention but my DSIS was a great mum to all three. Playing with them, singing to them, baking with them, etc, etc. It was just that her youngest had a different personality as a child. As an adult, she isn't miserable and crying all the time.

thanks for those who came back with helpful supportive comments. For all those commenting on my username and saying about this being my first post, for your information I registered a while back when I was at home with my kids a having lost my job but then was asked to reregister now as I haven't been on here since going back to work and I didn't change my username. I wasn't coming on here to be berated by everyone. sorry if I offended. I realise it might have come across wrong. It wasn't meant to. The fact is I am concerned about my toddler. I shouldn't have put the emphasis on my wife. I only did because she is now with him most of the time and I am travelling a lot. I didn't dress my post up perhaps I should have and people are overlooking the fact I did write I love her and she is an amazing mum. Apologies to those who seem so outraged. When I was at home with the others of course I found it hard and didn't spend my time dancing around the house when we just had to get through each day. My 2 older kids are happy and loving so I am not overly concerned about the long term impact I just wondered after observing this weekend if all the attention and fuss the other kids seem to get from their mothers made them happier/jollier.

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If you are working away a lot then maybe the kids miss you?

I've only got one DC but when I am with my friends, we ALL tend to ignore the children and let them crack on with things while we chat. It's nice not to entertain the children all the time, I think it's good for mine to potter about without contestant interaction or education from me.

Also, some kids just are whiny and miserable. They go through stages and phases of being pains in the backside with whining, and similarly through phases of being brilliant bolts of sunshine. Just like anyone.

Stop worrying how many smiles per minute everyone else's toddler manages and just get stuck in with your own.

I have a 7yo dd and I'll freely admit to not 'playing' with her very often, at least not as often as I probably 'should'. I sit and do arts and crafts with her, we play board games, this weekend we went out sledging which was great fun, I take her to the park and we cuddle up and watch movies, etc. But ask me to sit down and play Barbies or mummy's and daddy's? Nope.

It was the same when she was really little, tbh. I never minded reading books, singing songs, enduring soft play centers or showing her how something worked, but sitting on the floor with her all the time surrounded by loud, annoying toys bored me to tears and I didn't do it very much. I hated the baby/toddler stages - they were mind numbing. Older children are much more fun, your time with them isn't repetitive and they're not as needy and demanding. Perhaps your wife is the same. The early stages can be dull as dishwater.

I've always been a single parent and I have too much on my hands to play at being a clown 24/7. I work part time, I have a dog to walk, a house to clean, washing and dishes to do... Something has to give and it can't always be the housework. Some parents just aren't natural, gushy entertainers. Some parents relish the idea of playing with their child for countless hours and some don't. Your wife has three little people to keep up with and that is a massive amount of work for any person - it's exhausting. You've said she's the primary carer right now so I presume she's at home with them? And if she's staying at home would it be fair to say she's doing the lions share of the housework, washing, dishes, cooking, running the children to clubs and school, etc? She'll be run off her feet, OP. I only have one child and on an average working day where I've been up since 4.30 am I can guarantee you the last thing on my mind after collecting dd from school is playing Sylvanian Families.

You've said all three of your children have been whiny and miserable. It sounds like you've just had bad luck in the whiny and miserable baby department. Some babies are just naturally grumpy. There's often no rhyme or reason to it - it's like playing the lottery. My dd was a very happy, smiley little thing and still is. But I didn't spend all my time playing with her to make her that was - she just was that way. You've said that your wife is a loving, caring mother. I think you need to cut her some slack and stop comparing her to others, tbh.

You're basing your worries & comments on a very small snapshot of the other families' lives though. You don't know what the rest of the time is like for them. Those happy smiley children could be whiney & miserable a lot of the time, keep the parents up all night, be terrible eaters. You just don't know.

Maybe their mums felt relaxed this weekend & behaved differently than they normally do. A lot of front gets put on by some people in situations like this.

Gosh I sound just like your wife. The only difference being that I had one lovely happy, contented baby and one that cried non stop from birth to about 1 year of age. I suspect this is more about your children's personalities than any lack in your wife.

Oh and why aren't you blaming yourself for your grumpy children? I relied on my husband to be fun parent when I couldn't be bothered.