Is my wife a bad mother?

[stayathomedadtoson]

Is my wife a bad mother? I know this sounds an awful thing to say but we are now on baby number 3 and so far all our babies have been really miserable, whiny and very unsmiley. We just spent the weekend with 3 other families all with babies (18 months) of the same age as our number 3 and they were all smiling and chatting whilst our son just sat on the couch giving everyone death stares. I love my wife and she loves the children but I have noticed she is not as jolly and playful with our baby as other mothers. She tends to chat with other parents and basically ignore our son. The other mothers seemed much more focused on their children, playing with them and teaching them songs whereas my wife just seems to let ours get on with things. She is very cuddly and definitely adores the children and does everything for them but she is just not very hands on when it comes to playing with them. I have spoken to her about it and she says that juggling three kids is hard enough without trying to be a full time entertainer. Could this be the reason why number 3 is just so whiny and miserable the whole time? I am really not trying to criticise her as I think she does an amazing job just interested in other peoples feedback on this. Basically what I am trying to say is if you want a happy smiley interactive baby do you have to invest yourself full time in entertaining them and teaching them to be like this?

Except for cases of abuse or neglect I really don't think a child's personality and character would be affected that much by what you described. I would say it's far more likely to be something like teething, tiredness, shyness or just what he or she is like. FWIW I give my kids time and attention but I don't play or sing that much and they were both really happy babies and generally friendly toddlers.

It sounds FAR more likely to be down to your childrens' inherent personality rather than anything you or your wife have done/not done.

There are some kids who just don't like being babies/toddlers, and get happier as they get older and can do more. Sounds like your kids are like that.

Also it's a chicken and egg thing: maybe your wife doesn't entertain them because she has found that they don't really enjoy it and respond, rather than the other way round?

I know some mothers who spend every minute entertaining/interacting with their babies and toddlers, and other mothers who leave theirs to get on with it. There doesn't seem to be any correlation with how happy their children are.

Your OP irked me somewhat to the point when I thought "Oh i don't know! Are YOU a bad father?" since there are presumably 2 of you in the parenting mix. However, I'll address your point.

Dh and I are fun loving parents who smile and laugh a lot. We also have down days. I sometimes question whether we do enough 'entertaining'. We love walking, swimming, summer outdoor activities, days out at parks, museums etc etc. But neither of us are really 'let's play with small world people and role play' people. I often wonder if we do enough arty type stuff with him too, especially when we see what he does at nursery and cm. He's 4. He's lovely - funny, confident, loving, well mannered, bright and he has a smile that lights up a room and everyone in it. He's also stubborn, has spectacular meltdowns, occasionally aggressive, argumentative, deliberately hurtful, wilful and quick to give up - some of which characteristics we display, some of which we don't. And he can be a proper little thunder cloud (his dad's default position on a very rare bad day). What I'm saying is that children are unique, influenced in part by a range of variables including genetics. They're trying to find their place in the world - there's a lot to learn after all! And what one parent is not so good at, the other parent might be and vice versa. Despite our concerns, we are told that he never stops talking about us. You're their world and I really think that providing you are spending some time with them, taking care of their needs, giving them plenty of love and talking to them like they're important to you (and listening to them) the rest is down to personality.

Reading the Times this Saturday there was an article saying how children should play with children. Parents are for parenting. If a childs so stimulated and plays with adults all the time they don't learn to play or occupy themselves and elevate boredom. Adults don't play in the right way, we tend to tell them what to do so it becomes learning and not playing. Look the article up, it's by a psychologist and was next to another article about how boring its. To play with yours children! if all thier basic needs are being met then I would say your wife is definitely not a bad mother. She may just feel under stress and pressure meeting the other needs of 3 children. What does your wife say about your whinny childs behaviour/ personality? Maybe speak to hv if she perceives it to be an issue?

Op to answer your question, my dd is happy and chilled 10mo. I think this is her personality rather than anything I've done. I regularly leave her playing on the floor and possibly don't interact with her as much as I should.

I do think they feed off the atmosphere you create, DH and I are chilled out and happy most of the time, and I think dd does reflect this. Stressed out parents = unhappy children.

I would also add is it possible you are not seeing the full picture?
My DH is known to comment on our 2.6 yo DD2 being sooooo whiney/grumpy etc but he basis this opinion on our weekends when he sees her for a full-day (vs 30 mins in the morning/evening during the week). Our weekends are fundamentally different to weekday life: there is less structure, we may go out for lunch/dinner, rush around in the car, skip her nap or put her to bed late, or I go out and run errands which then makes her clingy when I return etc - obviously this can cause some change in temperament as during the week when DD1 is in school and DD2 home with me everything is much more routine and DD2 actually has a very easy going temperament (bar the odd toddler episode).
Also look at the bigger picture: does your DS eat well, sleep well, developing normally? They are most parents concern at this age, not whether they are grumpier than other babies (who you don't know that well and may be PFB). Just be as supportive as YOU can be - your wife sounds like she has enough on her plate, without singing 'the wheels on the bus' all day long.

For what's it's worth I think yes a mothers temperament does affect her baby/child so if mum is happy and smiley baby is more likely to be too.

Well my dd is very happy clappy with dgd and dgd is a merry little thing, whereas I was much more solemn with my dd and she was more solemn child but turned out ok.

PLEASE THIS IS NOT A CRITICISM

Perhaps you could have chosen a different thread title then...

A lot of the child's personality develops in the womb, we imprint emotions during gestation that affect the baby once born. Something to ponder.

Why weren't you playing with your youngest at this weekend away? I'm sure if you work away a lot your wife was enjoying a well earned break. I'm a mum of three (on mat leave at mo) and my husband works long hours, and it's blooming hard work keeping everything together. I play with my children as much as I can, but they amuse themselves when I'm busy getting all the housework done. And they are pretty cheerful. While my children laugh more when I'm playing silly games with them, I think a person's general level of cheerfulness is governed by biology.
And if your oldest two were grumpy and you were the main carer - what insight does that give you?

Why weren't you playing with your youngest at this weekend away? I'm sure if you work away a lot your wife was enjoying a well earned break. I'm a mum of three (on mat leave at mo) and my husband works long hours, and it's blooming hard work keeping everything together. I play with my children as much as I can, but they amuse themselves when I'm busy getting all the housework done. And they are pretty cheerful. While my children laugh more when I'm playing silly games with them, I think a person's general level of cheerfulness is governed by biology.
And if your oldest two were grumpy and you were the main carer - what insight does that give you?

My baby is the smiliest, easiest, most easy going child.

I'm a right bitch and frankly her dad (who I'm not with any more) is a twat.

So it's probably nature, rather than nurture, that makes your children miserable.

God is this my dp starting this because I am totally guilty of enjoying some adult time and leaving my 2 to play. I also enjoy a glass of wine whilst doing it

Totally weird. If I was out with my miserable child and other parents were making their kids happy I might think - 'maybe I should smile or play with dc now', or maybe 'I really should play with dc more in general', and if I worked away a lot too I might think 'actually, maybe I should be around more'. Pretty sure I wouldn't look at who else to blame.

Wow! I can't decide if you're brave or suicidal posting that on here. On reflection I think brave. I haven't read all the responses but got the gist of mood so for what it's worth here's my take on it...

No your wife is not a bad Mother (at least I'm assuming not). If you have any major concerns you should be speaking to your GP/Health Visitor/Social Care. Since I'm assuming that's not the case I wouldn't worry. How are the children doing generally? Do you think they're developing roughly in line with their peers? (Be careful about comparing too stringently as every child develops differently.)

Is your wife normally 'jolly and outgoing' or however you described it or is she usually quite reserved. The same for you really? My daughter seems to be taking after her Dad (loud and outgoing) whereas my son is more reserved like me. When we used to go to baby groups he'd be the one either crying or lying there ignoring everyone. I take my daughter now and she's smiling at everyone and interested in everything. I think generally speaking personalities are what they are and although nurturing has a role to play it's nature that wins out on this one.

My final point is that I know I'm guilty (especially when my husband is there) of switching off a bit. My reasoning (although that sounds a bit coldly logistical) is that I spend pretty much 24/7 with the kids. I interact with them, I do this while cooking, cleaning, dog-sitting, visiting etc. I don't get to sit and watch tv for hours on end (or even minutes on end), every time I meet up with friends my conversations are constantly interrupted (by mine as well as their children). I also find that I switch off a bit when it's just me and them. Not in a neglectful way but just if I'm busy changing one nappy the other child has to wait.

So what I tend to find is that if my husband or a grandparent is there I enjoy taking a bit of a backseat. I'm also not somebody who tends to chat and chat and pull faces etc at my little one when we're in public. I would imagine your wife does the same. If she's constantly juggling life with three kids why shouldn't she relax a bit when you're around? I think I also read that you say you work away quite a bit so that must make it even harder for her.

So overall I think I can understand your concerns but I think they're unfounded. Please don't let your wife know what you're thinking. I bet she's got enough on and doesn't need to feel undervalued. As long as your kids are happy and healthy you're both doing a great job.

When my friends and i got together with our children we all ignored them and let them get on with it.
When we're in adult company we certainly don't spend our time playing with the kids and teaching them songs we do all that at home alone
So really don't compare your wife to those women, I don't know what they were playing at.