Utterly bizarre, baffling, and hilarious things your kids have said recently

[Rodion]

I'm sure there are tonnes of these threads out there, but I'm new and can't find them! Here goes:

This morning out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw my 2.8yo pick something off the floor and eat it. Then he made an odd retching noise and cried out

"I'm sick mummy"

With lighting reactions (that I'll admit I'm pretty proud of) I grabbed a bowl of blueberries from the table, flung said blueberries across the floor, and got the bowl to his mouth in time to catch the spew. He was instantly better.

"Hey, what happened there? Did you eat something?" I enquired

"Yes mummy, a triceratops" he replied sadly.

Looking forward to some (probably much funnier) stories from all of you!

Oh bless, that does sound like 2 year old logic! The story that instantly sprang to mind is not a bizarre one but always makes me smile...

My DS is 5 and claims that he is a clever clogs when it comes to space. He can teach me things thanks to long discussions with his dad and reading space books. He was talking to me about what the planets were made of, and then I asked him what the Sun was made of. He looked at me very straight faced and said "sunshine"

Just this morning dd shouted "mummy ds is eating the bird feeder" ( he was although it was made of Cheerios).

This afternoon she asked me if the queen has slaves!

My DTD (21mo) is just starting to dream and is quite articulate. So we get woken up to many random toddler thoughts.this week alone we've had "Mummy, straps!" (Wtf was I supposed to do with the non-existent straps?!" Plus "raisins" (was this good or bad?! Who knows but she was wide awake at stupid o'clock)

On starting a college course last week, we told our 2.7 dd that I was going to school. Whilst I was getting ready upstairs, she shouted up (v.indignantly) "Mummy, you do not go to school when you are 32; you go to school when you are 5!"
Immediately felt ancient (and amused)

Dd2 (4) was in the buggy on way home from school and was very grumpy.

I tried chatting to her to try and cheer her up. Saw a man walking four lovely puppies so I said "oh look dd! Those puppies are sweet aren't they?"
She went mad and started screaming at the poor man "I HATE your puppies I really hate them"
I said "that's not very nice is it?" and she turned and screamed after him " I hate your kittens too if you have any"

When we got home she had calmed down a bit and I explained how rude she had been shouting at somebody to which she replied " but he was a STRANGER" turns out ds1 had done a stranger danger talk for dd and told her that strangers ask if you want to see their puppies/kittens to trick you and she thought the poor man we walked past was one!!!

"I hate your kittens too if you have any"

DS1 was 'doing his exercises' this morning, which involved bending over and sticking his head between his legs.

DH: Oh look, DS. Your cheeks have turned pink because all your blood's gone to your head.
DS1: Am I going to die?

Properly chuckling out loud at these, thanks everyone!

Hedgehog80, the puppies/kittens is a corker, defo one to write down and tell future boyfriends

In waterstones yesterday, 2.10 DS announced v loudly "MUMMY, I am a woman and my name is Julia!"

?? Didn't know what to say really. Just settled for "that's nice dear"

Telling dd (3) off for putting something small and plastic in her mouth and I said to her "you only put food and your toothbrush in your mouth, nothing else" with a cheeky smile she adds "and my thumb mummy"

Dh and I had to look away from each other to try to hide the giggles

Me: "DS5, please finish your dinner"

DS5: "But mummy, we live in the city moon!"

nope, still haven't decoded that one

My ds had sex education at school last year, he was 10 at the time.
Wondering what they'd been taught as was having friends round and the downstairs toilet wasn't smelling too fresh after one of ds's had been in. I lit a scented candle and put it in the room. A while later ds comes in to speak to me and says " are you and dad going to be having sex in the downstairs toilet?"
Asked him why he was asking that and he replied " because you've made it romantic with a candle in it!"

I need a donkey for my birthday. My ds who's three next week announced earlier.

Oh, just remembered another one...
Me: What would you like Santander Clause to bring you for Christmas?
DD (2.7): A green present.
????
Tried again a week later...
DD: A strawberry.
And again last wk...
DD: I have lots of nice toys- I don't want Santa Clause here.

Something tells me these simple requests will not last forever!

*Claus

Me: 'DS1 (3.11) do you know what makes honey?
DS1 confidently: Jellyfish.
Me:

All manner of bizarre things from DD (3.10).

I had posted a picture of her (uncaptioned/untagged) dressed up a something or other on FB. She asked to see the picture and spelled out '5 likes', so wanted to know who liked it. I told her and she thought it over for a few minutes and then said, "Does David Attenborough like my picture?"

Yesterday I woke her up and the first thing she said was "Mummy, sing the marmoset song!"

And finally.... we recently had a friend over to dinner. Some of our friends are in couples, some are single. This friend was in the latter category. DD says, "Is X coming with her boyfriend?" We told her no, X doesn't have a boyfriend. "Oh okay. Is she coming with her girlfriend?" No, X doesn't have a girlfriend. "Well, she might have done. She might have died"

ds3, nearly 3, learnt recently, that my mum died a number of years ago.
"my shoes fell off the bed. They're dead now. Like your mum."

Thanks for your sympathy, pet....

DS4, aged 6-ish, crying his eyes out....

"Mummy, I can't sleep"

"Why not?"

"Because my feet were cold - last night"

My current favourite from my 2.1 LO whilst getting him ready one morning

ME: Don't worry, it's not too cold outside
HIM: Just one. It's just one.
ME: Just one what?
HIM: Just one cold. It's just one cold outside.

DD (age 3) In the supermarket - "I know where minced beef comes from Mummy"
Me - "very good, where's that then"
DD (very seriously) - "it's pooed out of a cow's bottom"
(Cue bafflement on my part that spag bol is one of her fav foods)

As we entered the M&S car park yesterday (without having mentioned the name of the place on the journey) my 18mo dd piped up in the back "Yay! Marks and Spencers!".

I suspect we may need to vary our activity schedule somewhat...

DS, just turned 4: "Mummy, did you see that dog in that window"

Me: "yes sweetie" (beautiful white German Shepard btw).

DS: "that doggie is a baker mummy. He puts icing on cakes with his claws".

It wasn't so much what he said, but the utter conviction he said it with. I don't know whether I should have laughed or not but it was hilarious!

These are great!

On examining the contents of DS's potty (he's 2.6):

Him: Mummy why is my poo poo SO BIG?
Me: Er... because you eat lots and lots.
Him: No mummy I don't.
Me: Sure you do!
Him: No mummy, I don't, I DON'T eat lots of poo poo.

Guess that one was my fault!

I've another gem: DD decided to do my hair this evening. This mainly consists of her dragging a brush through it and then twisting my hair about.
Tonight was different though.
DD:" Good afternoon, Sir"
Me: "Er..."
DD: "Sit down please, I'm going to do your hair."
(I sit down and she faffs about behind me with clips and bobbles)
DD:"There you go, you've got spines. You're a porcupine"

DD(6): scientists don't make things, they find things out and put them on Google.