Utterly bizarre, baffling, and hilarious things your kids have said recently

[Rodion]

I'm sure there are tonnes of these threads out there, but I'm new and can't find them! Here goes:

This morning out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw my 2.8yo pick something off the floor and eat it. Then he made an odd retching noise and cried out

"I'm sick mummy"

With lighting reactions (that I'll admit I'm pretty proud of) I grabbed a bowl of blueberries from the table, flung said blueberries across the floor, and got the bowl to his mouth in time to catch the spew. He was instantly better.

"Hey, what happened there? Did you eat something?" I enquired

"Yes mummy, a triceratops" he replied sadly.


Looking forward to some (probably much funnier) stories from all of you!

[Guin1]

In the garden today with DS (2.5 yo). Neighbour must have been just the other side of the fence and blew his nose loudly. DS looked at me and asked in his usual loud voice "What was that noise?" and when I paused, he answered his own question with great conviction: "Farty bum". Neighbour must have heard.

[MrsCosmopilite]

We were Christmas shopping recently and stopped for a snack and drink. (I'm veggie, and DD prefers veggie food. Whilst we were shopping we'd been talking about what we'd have for our Christmas dinner)

We go into a naice cafe in the town. All bleached wood and velveteen sofas. I'm trying to chose between an artisan sourdough sandwich or a quinoa muffin I know when DD (3) pipes up loudly, "Mummy is that where they kill the turkeys?"

[DeWee]

Dd1 aged 4yo in the supermarket looking at the fish counter:
DD1: Daddy, did those fish have to die?
Dh: (thinking end of fish eating about to come to an end). Yes
DD1: Oh! Did they hit them over the head or poke them with a big stick. (looks closely) There's no hole in them. They must have been hit over the head.
Dh

She also used to sing "Mary Mary like a fairy" instead of "Mary Mary quite contrary". And "Row row row your boat gently down the stream. Mary mary mary mary, life is just a dream".

Dd2 (aged about 2) (screaming) I'm bleeding help! I need a plaster! It really hurts!
I came over, wiped off the strawberry juice, and suggested it might not have hurt that badly.
DD2: It did too hurt because it thought it was blood. I still need a plaster.

Also aged about 5yo at school finding one of the boys pinching one of her friends. "If I take my arm off" (that's her prosthesis) "My little arm looks like a fist and it hurts worse, so don't hurt my friends again".
I suggested when she told me, that this probably wasn't the best way of dealing with it, and she wasn't to hit with her little arm. She looked at me with pity and said:
"I won't need to, he's frightened of my little arm now!"

Ds (after discovering that I'd washed his comfort toy) Teddy smells all wrong. How can I make him all dirty and smelly so he's better?

After he'd done his first airfix (aged 5yo), a very basic Spitfire set, which was quite an effort, we went into a shop where they sold them. "My life will not be fulfilled until I've done a Bismark and lots of Fairey Swordfish... oh and a Lancaster, Concorde, 9 Red Arrows, Yellowjack, and a Hurricane."
Don't even know where he'd come across the expression.

[AnnieOnAMapleLeaf]

I don't actually have anything to add right now, but you all need to do a YouTube search for "Conversations with my Two Year Old". It is hilarious!

[MyPandaisasecretmonster]

My 6yo Ds comes out with some funny stuff at the most random of times which is usually some obscene hour in the morning, last week he said these

Did you know in the olden days that everything was Brown/grey & white , their was no coloury stuff & he then proceeded to wake Dp & ask if he remembers

My skin colour is Dark pink ( he is Mediterranean so he isn't in the slightest bit pink & hates it) , the way he says it with such conviction is funny

He is also really stressing about starting senior school & will go on about it for hours & gets really worked up about it

[ZingOfSeven]

DS5 (4y) has been learning a Christmas song at school.
I'm pretty sure he was not taught to sing "Hurry, hurry, bring the FRANKINSEX"


shall I ask the teachers?

[clairemarie5]

My boy is 20 months old, knows lots of words and just starting to put some tiny sentences together.
Tonight somebody came to our house to buy an old games console (was listed on Gumtree fyi).. I opened the front door with baby in my arms to which the poor mn outside was greeted with "ELEPHANT!" (luckily he wasnt a big guy) and a tiny finger pointed in his face. On his way out he was sent away with "bye bye lion, bye bye cow!"
He found it funny but must of thought we were some crazy zoo animal obsessives.

[Catsarebastards]

You know that thing people do where they link their two hands together and do that wiggly finger thing? Well Raj in TBBT did it to taunt Sheldon an my 5 year old saw it. He has been practising it for ages and finally cracked it. Brilliant. Lots of praise, well done DS. Except i forgot to tell him that you dont suddenly whip out the hand trick while the waitress is in the middle of taking your order and ask "can you do this?"

[Mouthfulofquiz]

DS (2.5) said this week:
'For goodness snake mummy, don't do it again eat my dish-ingers (fish fingers!)'
Naughty me - I thought he had finished!!

[MeanAndMeaslyMiddleAges]

Hesse have cracked me up - especially the scented candle and the kittens/puppies.

EatDesserts could your ds have read the wolf and the 7 little kids recently? In that story the wolf covers himself (poss just his paws) in flour to make himself white to trick the goats - I'm guessing that would look like a white German Shepherd.

My ds is 2y 7mo and comes out with some corkers. He has recently started saying 'I am not smell, I am nice and clean!'

My dh bought him a toy reindeer yesterday but my ds is furiously insistant that it's a cow. He has called it Kristoff - he saw Frozen recently and I'm guessing that he got the names of Kristoff and his pet reindeer Sven confused. By the by, he also insists Sven is a cow - cows are his favourite things in the world. The really funny thing is he has a toy cow and shortly after naming the reindeer Kristoff the Cow we asked him what the cow was called. He thought for a few seconds and said 'Caribou.' So now we have Kristoff the Cow (who is a reindeer) and Caribou the cow.

[RubyrooUK]

DS1 (4) is full of random things at the moment.

Yesterday he announced mournfully that his legs had fallen off, just as it was time to leave the house. He was unable to eat his healthy dinner as his face had fallen off. And although he did want to go to the park, it was best for him to stay home and watch telly as his legs were made of toast and jam and it would be bad to get them soggy.

[Justgotosleepnow]

My 19mo after finishing her lunch and getting down off her booster seat. Holds onto the corner of the table. I notice she's gripping it. Then she lets go and says very seriously and intently to me- it's very heavy mummy.
So she was trying to pick up the dining table one handed. Brilliant

[ImNotShpanishImEgyptshun]

DD(6): scientists don't make things, they find things out and put them on Google.

[MrsCosmopilite]

I've another gem: DD decided to do my hair this evening. This mainly consists of her dragging a brush through it and then twisting my hair about.
Tonight was different though.
DD:" Good afternoon, Sir"
Me: "Er..."
DD: "Sit down please, I'm going to do your hair."
(I sit down and she faffs about behind me with clips and bobbles)
DD:"There you go, you've got spines. You're a porcupine"

[Jessbags001]

These are great!

On examining the contents of DS's potty (he's 2.6):

Him: Mummy why is my poo poo SO BIG?
Me: Er... because you eat lots and lots.
Him: No mummy I don't.
Me: Sure you do!
Him: No mummy, I don't, I DON'T eat lots of poo poo.

Guess that one was my fault!

[EatDessertFirst]

DS, just turned 4: "Mummy, did you see that dog in that window"

Me: "yes sweetie" (beautiful white German Shepard btw).

DS: "that doggie is a baker mummy. He puts icing on cakes with his claws".

It wasn't so much what he said, but the utter conviction he said it with. I don't know whether I should have laughed or not but it was hilarious!

[rallytog1]

As we entered the M&S car park yesterday (without having mentioned the name of the place on the journey) my 18mo dd piped up in the back "Yay! Marks and Spencers!".

I suspect we may need to vary our activity schedule somewhat...

[wingsandstrings]

DD (age 3) In the supermarket - "I know where minced beef comes from Mummy"
Me - "very good, where's that then"
DD (very seriously) - "it's pooed out of a cow's bottom"
(Cue bafflement on my part that spag bol is one of her fav foods)

[NannyNim]

My current favourite from my 2.1 LO whilst getting him ready one morning

ME: Don't worry, it's not too cold outside
HIM: Just one. It's just one.
ME: Just one what?
HIM: Just one cold. It's just one cold outside.

[ZingOfSeven]

DS4, aged 6-ish, crying his eyes out....

"Mummy, I can't sleep"

"Why not?"

"Because my feet were cold - last night"

[diddlediddledumpling]

ds3, nearly 3, learnt recently, that my mum died a number of years ago.
"my shoes fell off the bed. They're dead now. Like your mum."

Thanks for your sympathy, pet....

[MrsCosmopilite]

All manner of bizarre things from DD (3.10).

I had posted a picture of her (uncaptioned/untagged) dressed up a something or other on FB. She asked to see the picture and spelled out '5 likes', so wanted to know who liked it. I told her and she thought it over for a few minutes and then said, "Does David Attenborough like my picture?"

Yesterday I woke her up and the first thing she said was "Mummy, sing the marmoset song!"

And finally.... we recently had a friend over to dinner. Some of our friends are in couples, some are single. This friend was in the latter category. DD says, "Is X coming with her boyfriend?" We told her no, X doesn't have a boyfriend. "Oh okay. Is she coming with her girlfriend?" No, X doesn't have a girlfriend. "Well, she might have done. She might have died"

[weebleswillwobble]

Me: 'DS1 (3.11) do you know what makes honey?
DS1 confidently: Jellyfish.
Me:

[DoNotDenyMe]

*Claus

[DoNotDenyMe]

Oh, just remembered another one...
Me: What would you like Santander Clause to bring you for Christmas?
DD (2.7): A green present.
????
Tried again a week later...
DD: A strawberry.
And again last wk...
DD: I have lots of nice toys- I don't want Santa Clause here.

Something tells me these simple requests will not last forever!