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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

an upsetting experience in the park today... 3,5 years old

100 replies

quietus · 03/07/2014 21:15

A very upsetting experience today in the park... or just normal?
I took my 3,5 year old to an open theatre performance and stayed with him to play with other children in the park. I was watching him running around happily and it seemed to me that all was fine. He was running after other children, trying to catch them and do whatever they were doing. When I heard him crying for the first time, I disregarded it as I thought that he fell in the grass by accident. When he cried for the second time I went to see what was happening and saw that children were trying to tell him something. When I asked them what happened, a girl, perhaps a year or year and a half older than him told me that they told him off because they didn't want to play with him. According to her, he didn't want to leave them alone and was bothering them every time they would do something. I told him that we should go somewhere else, but he ran after them only to hear him cry hysterically again and again. Other parents did not react at all. Then the children became openly nasty (when they would think that I wasn't watching), and when I tried to explain to the girl that maybe he didn't understand them because he was smaller and perhaps had some language issues (we moved to this country 8 months ago and he goes to a local kindergarden where everything is OK), she repeated her statement. I could not but to react this time and told her that I wish the day would come when nobody would want to play with her.
Anyway, I picked up my son who was crying hysterically and carried him all the way home. He was so hysterical that he almost started to vomit on my shoulder.

I don't know if this is normal and if children can be so malicious. It is also appalling that no other parent came to see what was happening. If it was my boy, I would clearly instruct him to let other children play with him as well, regardless if they are part of his group or not. Maybe a part of the problem is his inexperience and the kindergarden environment where they teach them that they are all "friends." Sounds nice, but does not correspond to reality.

I am all stressed now even though I know I should not overexaggerate this...

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didiimaginethis · 03/07/2014 21:19

I'm so sorry this happened to you and your poor little boy. Sometimes children can be nasty. Does he play with other children at kindergarten?

PotatoQueen · 03/07/2014 21:20

Sounds pretty normal to me for a bunch of kids. If my dd upset another child by telling them she didn't want to play with them, of course I would tell her that's not a nice thing to say and could hurt their feelings, but it sounds as though the other parents didn't hear what was said. I wouldn't go over because someone else's child was crying.

Frontier · 03/07/2014 21:22

Could you try seeing it from the other children's pov? They were also very young and felt he was spoiling their game. They had asked him to stop and theyd also told you what the problem was but you did nothing to stop him.

Sounds like a case of six of one half a dozen of the other to me.

vestandknickers · 03/07/2014 21:25

The other children were only little too. Why did you let him annoy them for so long? I'm very sorry your son was so upset, but surely it was your responsibility to remove him as soon as you realised there was a problem.

Original poster

quietus · 03/07/2014 21:32

Yes he does play in the kindergarden and he quite likes going there.

OP posts:

neolara · 03/07/2014 21:33

I'm afraid I agree with the posters who feel that you shouldn't have let your dc annoy the other children for any length of time. I don't think it was unreasonable of the 4 or 5 year olds to let you know there was a problem. It sounds like they were asking for your help. Younger kids can be incredibly annoying to older kids. They don't know your dc and as far as they are concerned, he's just some annoying kid in the park who is getting in their way. It's not like they are in the same class together and have to learn to get on with each other. If I was out with my friends in a cafe, I would be pretty put out if out of the blue someone came and sat at, tried to join in my conversation and distorted the dynamics.

I know it feels awful when it happens to your dc, but it's just one of the things to learn in life - not everyone wants to play with you just when you want to play with them.

Original poster

quietus · 03/07/2014 21:34

I didn't realise for a long time that he was bothering them because they were just running around, but as soon as I realise that they didn't want to play with him, I tried to take him away. However, he was so hysterical that it was almost impossible until I did it in a pretty rough manner.
Of course that I wouldn't let him annoy them for so long.

OP posts:

fledermaus · 03/07/2014 21:35

To be fair, I don't think the other children should be forced to play with a little boy they didn't know. They were telling him to stop but he continued to bother them - really it was your responsibility to intervene and take him somewhere else.

SirChenjin · 03/07/2014 21:36

Whilst it was obviously very upsetting for you and your DS, it sounds as if the children just wanted to play a game for 'big children', and didn't want him involved. As others have said, I think you should have distracted him and moved away. It's always very hurtful when other children don't want to play with yours, but unfortunately that's what happens sometimes, despite our best intentions as parents.

Original poster

quietus · 03/07/2014 21:39

Yes, yes, I did move him away when I realised what actually happened.

OP posts:

Frontier · 03/07/2014 21:39

So you didn't realise what the problem was "for a long time" but you think it's "appalling" that the other parentsdidn't investigate

ILoveCoreyHaim · 03/07/2014 21:40

If my dc went to the park to play and a toddler was following them around and no adult was stopping the toddler they would probably say go away or something. They do it all the time to their younger sister when she is being a pest/screaming to go with them/play with them.

Laquitar · 03/07/2014 21:40

What did you say to him, did you comment on what happened?

Original poster

quietus · 03/07/2014 21:41

No I didn't realise because they were just running around and really nothing seemed to be wrong. I realised when he started crying hysterically and when I actually investigated. And if another child would cry and my son would be involved, I would also come to see whats happening.

OP posts:

HaroldLloyd · 03/07/2014 21:42

It's horrible when this happens, my little boy is the same age and they love older children don't they.

I don't think anyone is to blame as such.

It just a bit gut wrenching watching them trying to pal up with other children and get knocked back.

Coconutty · 03/07/2014 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirChenjin · 03/07/2014 21:42

I'm a bit confused, sorry - if you moved him away and distracted him, how come he was back playing with them?

pictish · 03/07/2014 21:42

I mostly expect my kids to exercise some tolerance of younger kids at the park and so on...it's a public place after all, and for everyone, so 'leave us alone' isn't really a reasonable request.
However, tots can be persistent and annoying as well...they don't understand the game and can spoil a good time with their interference.

I wouldn't like my child to chase a little one off and make them cry. I'd want them to be accepting of his presence and work around him a little bit, just for the sake of choosing to be kind.

I wouldn't expect them to put up with him forever though.

It's tricky. Sorry his feelings were hurt though - you feel it like a knife to your own heart, I know.
But not everyone's going to want to play with him either. Never mind.

Original poster

quietus · 03/07/2014 21:43

Yes I commented. When he finally calmed down (I took him for an ice-cream) I told him that not all children will play with him and tried to make a comparison with his preferences in the kindergarden. And when he flatly refused to speak to his grandpa on Skype, I told him that his grandpa would cry just as much as he did when the group of children refused to play with him.

OP posts:

ILoveCoreyHaim · 03/07/2014 21:44

I could not but to react this time and told her that I wish the day would come when nobody would want to play with her

that's a pretty nasty thing for an adult to say to a young child.

pictish · 03/07/2014 21:44

Well that was a very wishy washy post wasn't it?

Original poster

quietus · 03/07/2014 21:45

Pictish, I do agree with your take on tolerance and this is what I also try to exercise. I did try to remove him few times and he was just too hysterical and I felt totally embarrassed. He attends a mixed group in the kindergarden, so the same treatment he probably also expects in "reality."

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MrsWinnibago · 03/07/2014 21:46

You shouldn't have said that mean thing to such a small girl! that was quite vicious of you. Your son like all children will have experiences like this...you cannot then attack each child who rejects him!

And as for telling him his Grandpa would cry! How insensitive! Your son is 3 and they don't always feel like chatting on skype!

Laquitar · 03/07/2014 21:47

I would have told him that the children knew each other but yheu didn't knpw him so they prefered to play with each other. Not big deal.

Did you really tell the girl what you wish? That was malicious and you call the children 'malicious'!
Such a drama.

thecageisfull · 03/07/2014 21:47

It looks like the older kids (who are still very little) didn't want to play with him and he didn't take the hint, which is understandable as he is only 3.
I don't instruct my kids to play with people they don't want to play with. I think it's important to learn that you can enforce your own boundaries. It would be nice if they could've distanced themselves with more grace but it sounds like he was bothering them 'again and again'.

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