an upsetting experience in the park today... 3,5 years old

[quietus]

A very upsetting experience today in the park... or just normal?
I took my 3,5 year old to an open theatre performance and stayed with him to play with other children in the park. I was watching him running around happily and it seemed to me that all was fine. He was running after other children, trying to catch them and do whatever they were doing. When I heard him crying for the first time, I disregarded it as I thought that he fell in the grass by accident. When he cried for the second time I went to see what was happening and saw that children were trying to tell him something. When I asked them what happened, a girl, perhaps a year or year and a half older than him told me that they told him off because they didn't want to play with him. According to her, he didn't want to leave them alone and was bothering them every time they would do something. I told him that we should go somewhere else, but he ran after them only to hear him cry hysterically again and again. Other parents did not react at all. Then the children became openly nasty (when they would think that I wasn't watching), and when I tried to explain to the girl that maybe he didn't understand them because he was smaller and perhaps had some language issues (we moved to this country 8 months ago and he goes to a local kindergarden where everything is OK), she repeated her statement. I could not but to react this time and told her that I wish the day would come when nobody would want to play with her.
Anyway, I picked up my son who was crying hysterically and carried him all the way home. He was so hysterical that he almost started to vomit on my shoulder.

I don't know if this is normal and if children can be so malicious. It is also appalling that no other parent came to see what was happening. If it was my boy, I would clearly instruct him to let other children play with him as well, regardless if they are part of his group or not. Maybe a part of the problem is his inexperience and the kindergarden environment where they teach them that they are all "friends." Sounds nice, but does not correspond to reality.

I am all stressed now even though I know I should not overexaggerate this...

goats, that's a life-long problem, i think :)
so how do you deal with that situation?

All kids no matter what age should be taught to be inclusive. Allowing your 5yo to exclude other children from play is the start of horrid bitchy behaviour that only gets worse as they get older. A 5yo is perfectly aware of what it is to exclude and they have the emotional ability to empathise and to know how exclusion feels.
It's us that build community and this world is in dire need of better communities. It's our job as parents to teach our kids how to be the best people they can be. Kindness and inclusion have to be modelled and encouraged. The parents of the older kids should have stepped in to help the kids make a space in their play for your boy.
Responses that sound like 'kids will be kids' are just wrong and a symptom of what is wrong with many parents these days.

At that age I'd be close enough to listen to the interaction, even say hi or smile at the kids, then realising that they are not wanting to mix, move the little one away. Minimise the drama iyswim. Some kids are brilliant at including others, many are not.

Kindergarten does not correspond to making new friends amongst different ages, it's a different scenario but it's worth trying! Model being friendly to (likely looking!) strangers yourself.

This happens to my ds a lot. He's nearly 4 and considers all children of around 2-7 years old to be his friends, even if he's never met them, so he'll just try and join in with their games as though he's known them forever.

It does make me sad when they don't want to play with him because he isn't nasty and doesn't play rough at all but even so if they don't want to play there's nothing I or ds can do. I make sure I take him away as soon as I see there is an issue and do something even more fun with him

My son is 3.10 he's often chased after older groups he usually gets rejected. It breaks my heart but I know that's just how it is. I've also been at our local park as school comes out he's tried to join in and the older children's mums have said let the little boy play with you he's only small. Which 1 or 2 out the group have done.
I see your point OP x

thank you all... I am teaching him to be inclusive and to share his toys when he takes them to the park. I think that is important because toys are there to be shared, otherwise what's the point?

goats, i really feel for you and i am sorry that this is happening to your dd.

OP, I think others have been a little unfair to you here. I have in the past spoken to older children who have, in group situations, tried to exclude my dd (told her that only older children can come on the climbing frame, etc). Just as I'll robustly remonstrate with her if she ever says the same to little tots in the future!
I don't think what you said to the little girl is wrong - children should be encouraged to think about the social consequences of their actions - I would have (and think I have) happily said similar to children from my village and locality, and would have no problem if people said this type of thing to my dd. "It takes a village to raise a child"' and all that!

Yabu

Children are allowed to not play with other children at the park. Even children who are younger.

It doesn't sound as if the little girl was inappropriate at all, she was being assertive and used her words to explain her feelings. Something she would have been taught to do.

Why would her parents step in? She spoke assertively, did not hit or bully your son. It does sound like she was being respectful, but she has the right to play with her own friends in a park.

If your son was upset, you could try to lighten the mood of the situation, make a joke with them all, distract him with something else etc.

lovelydiscuss that is a different situation. Older children do not have the right to monopolise playground equipment. But that is not the situation op describes. I think parents are completely in the right to negotiate sharing of public playground equipment when children are excluding others. But there is a good way to go around this and using humour and being respectful to the other children (modeling social skills) is the best way to do so.

I agree with Iswallowedawatermelon

I'm not teaching my kids, especially my dd's that they have to be accommodating and make a space for every random person who feels entitled to their time. Not wanting to play with someone you don't even know is not the same as telling them that they aren't allowed on the communal equipment. It's the difference between telling an annoying stranger at the pub that he can't join in your conversation and telling him that he isn't allowed in the pub at all.

But OP wasn't inappropriate to the children, not by my lights anyhow. She didn't swear, and wasn't aggressive or rude. She invited the little girl to empathise. This is a good thing to encourage children to do. It helps them become morally responsible, emotionally intelligent human beings.
No need for children ever to exclude another child who wants to play (unless that child is behaving horribly to them, which it doesn't sound like OP's son was). Same rules as for adults - treat others with compassion, be kind wherever you can. That's my view of the world, anyway.

She did not invite a 5 year old to empathise!

Hahahaha to 'treat others with compassion' and 'i wish the day would come when you have noone to play with'

What you said to her was pretty horrible, considering her only 'crime' was to tell a child younger than herself than she didn't want to play with him! If they didn't want to play with your son, they don't have to.

You should have moved him on & let the bigger kids play by themselves.

What donner said up thread. I will try to teach ds to be inclusive based on empathy.

That said, I would (and have) responded differently to the op. A little girl told ds (also 3.5yo) that she didn't want to be his friend. Ds looked a little shell shocked, though didn't cry. I just explained that not everybody will always want to play with him. I told him that when this happens, it's probably best to shrug, say ok I don't care and find someone else to play with.

Op, I understand your feelings. Your heart really does break for them at times. But your job is to teach your ds to cope with what life throws his way. You don't want him growing into an entitled individual who has only ever had things his way.

Exclusion is a form of bullying. Inclusion and kindness are far more important than assertiveness. Most bullies are assertive.

The happiest, brightest kids who go on to succeed are the ones who have wide social circles and excellent social skills. These kids are kind and have many friends and no enemies. They are rare and when I meet their parents (i'm a secondary school teacher) I always ask for parenting tips. Without fail these kids always have lovely, kind parents with excellent social skills.

As a society we need to put less importance on being assertive and more on giving a little more of ourselves to others. Yes it can be awkward when a random stranger strikes up conversation in a bar or supermarket but if you give even a few minutes of yourself back then you might just make someone's day, or even a new friend. It's us who build community.

To be fair, it sounds like the older kids gave the toddler a lot more than a few minutes.

I think that is important because toys are there to be shared, otherwise what's the point?

If my dd is playing in the street on her go kart which was expensive and kids often come and take it off her, younger kids. She lets them. They then proceed to ram it into things, drive off walls and bash it to bits. I have told her time and time again to say 'No, it's mine, im playing on it'. She wont, instead she lets them take it then comes in upset and i have to go out and take it off them.

No she shouldn't have to share it, its hers and they have no respect for her.

Wow, you seem to be getting a flack for this OP.

I'm surprised none of the other parents came over to investigate when they saw a strange woman talking to their child . I would have been over like a shot, especially if a child was crying and my child looked to be involved.

Yes, what you said to her wasn't very nice but at the end of the day we all lose are temper sometimes at children especially of your own child is upset and the other child doesn't understand either. We regret it afterwards but unfortunately cannot take it back.

Hope you are and your ds are feeling in a more happier mood :)

ILoveCoreyHaim I agree with you on toys but I also teach my son that if he does want to share his toys (which he usually always wants to do) that he must teach them how to play nicely with them and that they ALL share it or I'll take it away - he even telks his siblings how to play with his toys lol

OP, I'm with you. If my children are playing and there is a child on their own. I make them include them. I hate 'you're not my friend' and 'we don't want to play with you' and have spent years with my own children letting them know that is not acceptable behaviour.

We all have to put up with irritating people at all ages for short bursts. It's part of living in society.

The first rule in our house is kindness.

I don't know how healthy it is for parents to be interfering too much in children's games.

Yes, when they are so small as the OP's child was, but children have to learn how to negotiate among themselves. I think talking about these things at home can be good, about the need to include others and not exclude them, but possibly it is better for them, when playing, to have to learn to negotiate themselves.

I say this as someone who is now old and was allowed to make my own mistakes when I was a child, not always under the eye of an interfering adult.

I have some sympathy with what you're saying Mexican. I suppose the difference is that the op's little boy was crying hysterically and at 3.5yo they're still very little to negotiate and cope with rejection. That said, stepping in and giving the other little girl a talking to will do nothing to help the op's ds to learn coping strategies.

I watched my ds on a slide with another boy a few weeks ago. The other, older boy, pushed in front of my ds. Ds was outraged but instead of looking to me to help, he dealt with it himself. He went to the bottom of the slide and walked up it. There was a stand off but ds stood his ground. Clearly had it come to blows I would have stepped in but I figured I'd see what he did. I was proud of him. He's the loveliest, most friendly, sociable, kind and well mannered little boy and his inclusion of others makes me very proud. But equally he needs to stand on his own two feet and I can't be seen as his rescuer in playground squabbles.

I have to say I am really sorry your little boy was so upset.

I also do not agree at all that the other children should have been allowed to exclude him so unpleasantly.

It does sound as though you weren't close enough to him as you didn't appreciate what was going on in time.

In similar situations I have said clearly and firmlyto a group that it is important to be kind and friendly and dc is allowed to play here too. That may not make them be inclusive but it stems further nastiness ime. I would probably then try to distract my dc.

It is up to adults to ensure children learn how to play appropriately with each other and dealing gently with a 3yo is part of that.

I guess what you said to the little girl wasn't v nice but perhaps she's learned a social lesson there herself.