Soft play centres - my boys seem to keep getting into trouble

[mandbaby]

We have a local soft play centre which my two boys (4.7 and 2.11) adore. However, I hate it because nearly every time we go, I seem to have to warn them about their behaviour towards others.

Now, I'm of the opinion that we all take our children to these sorts of places so that they can let off steam and burn some energy, and I expect there to be rough play and for the odd, accidental bump to occur. But it seems some parents go over the top and I end up leaving before some mothers get out the stakes and pitchforks and light bonfires ready to throw my children on top of them.

Yesterday was no exception. It started off with my boys being the victims of an older, bigger boy (aged 8). My hubby overheard this boy saying he was going to "karate kick" our 4 year old in the face. Moments later, he did. My hubby had a word with the boy and that was enough for him to stay away from our boys. (His own mum appeared to be studying for something and had her nose so deep in a thick text book that her son could've committed murder and she wouldn't have noticed).

However, half an hour later and my boys were dominating those wrecking ball type things (big balls that you sit on and they run on rails from one area to another). A very small boy (aged 2ish) was in there and unfortunately found himself getting knocked down a few times by the balls that my sons were on. My hubby told them to calm down and be careful of the boy, but before we knew it, the young boys mother was there yelling and actually crying, before going to a member of staff saying her son was being "bullied" by our 2 boys. Now, I'm sorry, but whilst my boys weren't being angels, boys will be boys right? And if you leave your 2 year old son to go unattended in a rough play centre, don't you expect that he's going to get knocked about a bit? Hubby and I were both watching our boys every move and would NEVER let our boys get violent or angry and the moment they go over the top, we remove them and have them sit with us for 5 minute to calm down.

What bothers me more than anything though, is that something of this nature seems to happen every time we go. It really stresses me out because my boys must appear to some parents like really horrible children, and they're not! They're just boisterous boys letting off steam.

How do you deal with your kids when "rough-housing" becomes over the top behaviour? Where do you draw the line?

My 5yo daughter also wants to play physically .

sillylass- that may be your experience, but you are stereotyping.

As the mother of both genders, I can't say I have noticed much difference, if anything my daughter is the more physical and adventurous one.

THe trouble with "bouncing off walls like a whirling dervish" is that a child is obviously out of control and this puts other children in danger, so I am not surprised that "mothers of girls" give you these looks. I would too.

"the problem with soft play is that it asks for physical play without rules or boundaries that are agreed..."

I'm sorry but I disagree again.
Just because we are at soft play doen't mean that our usual social constraints and acceptance go out of the window- all the rules still apply.
Either children have to caretake themselves and avoid injuring others ( whether intentionally or not) or parents have to do this for them.

I wouldn't allow my children to become so physically out of control that they endanger others- no matter where they are.

Silly however this isn't all boys, it's your boys. There are girls like that too. There are various reasons for this (both psychological and hormonal) but gender plays only a part role in this. The key element is that the vast majority of boys, even the most active, don't routinely hurt others or get in trouble. Thus, a tendency for energy may be seen in many boys, but the tendency to hurt others through carelessness and "me-me-me" focus is conflated with this: it is not an innate boy trait and not an innate trait of an energetic child.

There is a difference between being energetic and rough. A big difference. In this case, the children in the original post were being careless in a way which was age-inappropriate (i.e. by that age most children can control themselves in soft play so that whilst there might be the odd incident it isn't every time - and don't knock down 2 year olds). Nothing to do with their gender. If a girl had trodden on a littler girl grabbing for the sparkly dress in the dressing up box and always got into arguments in creative play it would be similar... except that I doubt there would be all this hand wringing about gender.

One of the issues with gender is that most child rearing and child care has female adults in charge of both genders of children. Often calm, lower testosterone adult females to boot (more likely to work in childcare as opposed to some other fields). Thus, the insight which is instantly there with girls is not there with boys ... it can lead to energy being repressed, but equally a passive "that's just how they are" stance (whereas if a girl did it - regardless of training - most women would roughly know if it was typical).

you originally said that your ds's sometimes like to play in other ways.

dd is very varied tbh, with your boys she would be demonstrating hanging off something by one arm/leg and matching them every inch of the way. Equally I can get a quiet, intellectual-type child round and she will pipe down and engage with them in the same way (bliss lol) I'm not trying to say shes perfect haha but she will literally play with any child in the way that suits them which is really useful!

She really atm does not favour boys or girls in who she plays with.

Silly - bashing toys against walls would be told off here. Don't you say that isn't how to play with them?

OP, I'm with you on this one!! Some people get so very precious when it comes to their dc.

Silly So how come most boys manage it? And (having run a centre) most incidents were 50/50 boys and girls?
In soft play, high levels of verbalisation just aren't needed - eyes and ears are, but not words. That is one of the wonderful things about them for children with communication barriers: they can make a connection with others through energy and fun. Mine was in a highly ethnically varied area- children who had no language at all in common could easily soft play together, with lots of 'rough and tumble'.
With children who got in trouble, there was no relationship to verbal ability if anything they were brilliant orators when it came to excuses for mummy every week.

OP, I'm with you on this one!! Some people get so very precious when it comes to their dc.

I have both genders, all my kids are physical but one of ny boys is like a dog, in that he absolutely needs a fairly long stretch of fairly intense outdoor excerise daily - if he gets it he is lovely, if not he is nightmarish and actually can't seem to properly control himself. He has never hurt anyone though - he is very physical, but careful of others (siblings excepted unfortunately, but that goes for all of them).

What I find though is that other parents pre-judge my kids very differently based on gender. My older 2 are 8 and 6, but the 6 year old boy is the same size as the 8 yo girl. Not long ago we were at a soft play with an under 7s section, nobody else was in the under 7s bit, and DD and DS1 went into it to play with 3 yo DS2. Ironically the only one being wild was the 3 yo (who has longish hair and gets mistaken for a girl). Another couple came in with a small only just toddler, glared at DS1, smiled at DD, and spent time talking beteen themselves about older boys in the small children's area not being good, then eventually told DS1 he was too old for the section and should go to another area. There really was no grounds for it at all.

"behavioural difficulties are very highly correlated with verbal ability. Verbal ability is just the outward manifestation of underlying social awareness/being able to think about others and what they think about you."

Mmm- perhaps in some cases. I have two children who were very late to say even their first word- 3 and a half, but both were extremely empathic and aware of the feelings of others. Late talking can be a symptom of other difficulties, but not always.

when my DD was 18 months and we went to soft play, we let her go into the big kids area and ALL the kids noticed her and were careful not to knock her down because she was small. I think it's your responsibility to teach your children to watch out for younger children. You should teach kindness, not it's okay if you get loud and not notice other people in your play because your just a boy.

Silly I work with children and teens with verbal, emotional and communication difficulties. I don't supervise soft play anymore. I use physical play frequently as a source of self esteem and learning with children: it is actually a tool for helping children. I managed soft play in a past life over 10 years ago: however I would stick by what I said, even in light of my training and career since then.

However, you seem to be quoting data passively (saying "that is how it is") rather than actively examining solutions.

Some of the youth offending links are correlation not causation: their language delay has clear causes (for example early years neglect and the associated emotional difficulties) which are atypical in children with language difficulties from wider contexts. Often the youth offenses are the result of struggling to access education and falling outside the system: not a direct result of their communication skills but a systemic failure on the part of educators.
For a correlation, you would have to look at the other perspective: the % of all children with language delay with good educational provision and attentive parenting who go on to commit crimes. This is significantly lower.

It's like when you break down school exclusions by ethnicity. Some newspapers may draw conclusions that race links to behaviour: actually it is systemic failures and racism which pushes more of these children into these situations not anything inherent.
In situations where these factors are dealt with there is an immediate impact.

There is something that can be done to prevent language SN (and other SN) resulting in BESD behaviour.
My team do it.
It takes really tough choices on the part of teachers, mentors, coaches and parents.
If a child's needs mean they struggle with public soft play in terms of behaviour, it is unfair to that child and other children to place them in that situation at that point.
But you can't just say 'its' like that....' you have to try to fix it.

I haven't read every post, but I did come across this recently which explores the testosterone issue in young boys...sarahockwell-smith.com/2014/06/09/why-the-huge-testosterone-surge-in-young-boys-is-a-myth-and-what-really-causes-their-behaviour-to-change/