Soft play centres - my boys seem to keep getting into trouble

[mandbaby]

We have a local soft play centre which my two boys (4.7 and 2.11) adore. However, I hate it because nearly every time we go, I seem to have to warn them about their behaviour towards others.

Now, I'm of the opinion that we all take our children to these sorts of places so that they can let off steam and burn some energy, and I expect there to be rough play and for the odd, accidental bump to occur. But it seems some parents go over the top and I end up leaving before some mothers get out the stakes and pitchforks and light bonfires ready to throw my children on top of them.

Yesterday was no exception. It started off with my boys being the victims of an older, bigger boy (aged 8). My hubby overheard this boy saying he was going to "karate kick" our 4 year old in the face. Moments later, he did. My hubby had a word with the boy and that was enough for him to stay away from our boys. (His own mum appeared to be studying for something and had her nose so deep in a thick text book that her son could've committed murder and she wouldn't have noticed).

However, half an hour later and my boys were dominating those wrecking ball type things (big balls that you sit on and they run on rails from one area to another). A very small boy (aged 2ish) was in there and unfortunately found himself getting knocked down a few times by the balls that my sons were on. My hubby told them to calm down and be careful of the boy, but before we knew it, the young boys mother was there yelling and actually crying, before going to a member of staff saying her son was being "bullied" by our 2 boys. Now, I'm sorry, but whilst my boys weren't being angels, boys will be boys right? And if you leave your 2 year old son to go unattended in a rough play centre, don't you expect that he's going to get knocked about a bit? Hubby and I were both watching our boys every move and would NEVER let our boys get violent or angry and the moment they go over the top, we remove them and have them sit with us for 5 minute to calm down.

What bothers me more than anything though, is that something of this nature seems to happen every time we go. It really stresses me out because my boys must appear to some parents like really horrible children, and they're not! They're just boisterous boys letting off steam.

How do you deal with your kids when "rough-housing" becomes over the top behaviour? Where do you draw the line?

Once again, I repeat, the slide thing was an EXAMPLE. It never happened. I teach my children to be aware of others - whether that's when they're walking between two children shoving a wrecking ball, or whether they're the ones doing the shoving.

My children are taught to be me mindful. This entire post has been blown totally out of proportion. It was never meant to upset of offend. Merely to get some advice as to how to handle my already careful and mindful boys and to teach them that there are some children (well, mainly parents) who expect that these types of places will only be filled with completely silent children who don't run and jump, and never occasionally, accidentally, inadvertantly hurt someone else.

It sounds like you are excusing your children's rough behaviour because they are boys. This is just wrong OP - little boys are not inherently rougher or more energetic than little girls. I agree with other posters that your belief in 'boys will be boys' is a self fulfilling prophecy and this is what you need to change.

OP, reread your bloody opening post.

You are now saying that the point of your thread is that you are wondering why some parents get so heated at soft play (enough with the pitchforks nonsense. You have well and truly exhausted that one)

But in your opening post you ask "how do you deal with rough housing when it becomes over the top behaviour and where do you draw the line'. To which we have answered, but you have not enjoyed the answers so you are now completely changing the question! Waste of time.

OMG!! It wasn't even ME that mentioned SN! I didn't even know what it meant until I put 2 and 2 together.

Do a search for "SN" on all the pages of replies and you will see that this is the first time I've even mentioned it in a reply!

OP, if the other boys mother was in there, would you be one of those mums that say, she's in the way of my kids, let them get on with their rough and tumble? Maybe it's the first time she has let her boy go off on his own, so when he got hurt it was highlighted by the fact she may have felt bad that she wasn't there and therefore reacted the way she did. I watch my son like a hawk when we go as he's a sensitive little thing and I too get a little irritated when other kids seem to run riot. I think as long as everyone is watching their children and react when a problem arises then there isn't a problem. Soft play always ends in a spectrum of opinions, what do I know, I'm a helicopter mum!

ok, fair point.

I've already conceded that I'm to blame for not being more explicit in my original post.

Sorry. And thanks to all those that have replied.

Can we all forget it now, please. I promise you (and I'm not just saying this) I'm a parent who tries VERY hard to get it right every day. I'm not ignorant, and I'm raising my boys not to be either.

I'm sorry if I've caused offence to anyone.

OP, it sounds like the other parent overreacted in the specific instance you mentioned. But if this happens to you a lot you need to question why.

I'll admit I lost patience with your OP when I got to 'boys will be boys'. That sort of attitude does your boys a massive disservice as well as being total bullshit.

Your line for where rough-housing becomes over the top is obviously different from a fair proportion of other parents. If this happens so often, they obviously aren't being careful and mindful when they are worked up and over-excited - you said as much in your OP. So you need to try to prevent them getting to that point, rather than dealing with the fallout after something's gone wrong.

And again, you are saying you are right. Your boisterous boys are now 'careful and mindful'. You have no sense of them ever being in the wrong. There is a strong sense that others are wrong. Your boys need to learn to handle other children and their parents who are in the wrong.

Again there is no sense whatsoever that there is anything at all that you could do differently. Everyone else is over reacting and expecting too much of soft play, in terms of their children coming home without injuries.

People may get hurt inadvertently. If yours are being approached by parents on a regular basis, it is more than the frequency of genuine accident expected in soft play places.

Anyone fancy meeting at soft play at 2pm?

I'm off now.
OP don't go away from here thinking that Mumsnet had attacked you (in the same way you felt attacked by the soft play mums)
Recognise the difficulty you created with your first post which then changed. And don't ask a question, unless you are willing to consider that the replies you don't like might have some truth in them.

I hope you find ways to entertain your boys that work for them, other children and you too.

Sorry but in environments where 'boys will be boys' is accepted, behaviour will be more aggressive as it's shrugged of. My son attends an all boys school. None of the boys behave in that manner at school, if any began then letters would be sent home reminding parents that any rough/ boisterous, unapologetic behaviour isn't tolerated within school ( what they do at home is obv there business)

I hate others allowing that type if behaviour. At parks etc I'm always having to move elsewhere due to some child throwing sand in my children's eyes/ snatching/ pushing/ being generally unkind and parents just sit there and let their ' boys will be boys' continue.

Boys act more boisterous in big groups because it's expected of them. It's actually really fucking irritating, DS is lovely on his own, when he's with a group of boys he transforms into a little bugger. I really think it's because so many people just accept this idea that it's acceptable and normal for boys to be generally loud, yobbish, overly competitive and aggressive - now, I think it's fairly normal for children to be loud, messy and energetic but there is no actual reason why it (or the more unpleasant traits) would be more prevalent in boys except that a significant number of boys are told that this is the case, and in a group situation if a few are starting this they all follow it.

Completely agree Bertie

absolutely, Bertie.

And the flip side of it is - if a girl behaves the same way, they are seen as odd, and the behaviour is perceived to be 'worse' because it comes from a girl.

Chidlren are children. they can all be loud, messy, need exercise and let off steam. boys or girls.

Urgh, I hate 'boys will be boys' every single parent I have heard say it has been using it for a frankly pathetic excuse for unacceptable behaviour.

That said I do think when you go to soft play centres you do expect a certain amount of charging about and sometimes getting knocked over. It is the nature of the beast and the reason I avoid them like the plague.

I admit that my OP wasn't as clear as it should have been and this may have tainted some replies. And I realise that "boys will be boys" doesn't wash with some. Again, I wish I'd typed "kids will be kids".

I really never meant for this thread to cause such an outrage, but admit that it's my own fault it has. I will choose my words more carefully in future and make sure that my posts are factually correct to avoid being later accused of "changing the story".

I wish I'd never posted the thread because it has upset me to some degree. If you all knew me, you would know that I'm not argumentative nor confrontational. That's the very last thing I am! I don't say boo to a goose. Nor am I one of those parents that we all despise - the ones that let their children run riot whilst they tell everyone that they're little angels. My boys do have their moments - as do all children, but they are VERY aware of their boundaries, the rules and the consequences. Morals, manners and being mindful of others are traits that I instil in them daily. (And traits that are visible in them 99% of the time).

My boys have been the victims of some very nasty children at the soft play, but I have never felt the need to get angry or upset at another parent. I make sure they're ok (physically and mentally), teach them to dust themselves down and play somewhere else and with someone else. If they get hit, they're taught to never hit back. I've left our local soft play centre with my boy's eyebrow cut and bleeding after one young boy was going around punching and pushing other children for no reason, but didn't react in a way that some other parents do for what were simply and genuinely accidents. My boys are not aggressive and their nursery teachers would tell you that they're delightful little boys who play very well alongside their peers. Perhaps the soft play centres do bring a little "tribal" trait in them, and as others have already kindly suggested, they do already get plenty of opportunity to let off steam in other ways - outdoor play every day (come rain or shine), nature hunts through the woods, sport, outdoor parks, etc.

Thanks for all your replies, and I've taken it all on board. I'm learning every day. (Let's hope this gets put to bed now)

OP - I don't think I'd take my DC back to a softplay centre that left them cut and bleeding from another child's unrestrained punches! Especially if that was not unusual for the place. That's not my idea of acceptable rough and tumble

I think it's probably impossible for any of us to tell from your posts whether your DC are behaving badly or not - your initial posts sounded like they were being too aggressive/boisterous, and your later posts sound like they are well-mannered angels victimised by other yobs.

Softplay is horrible. We all think that other people's kids are yobs and ours are victims. It brings out the worst in all of us.

I can see your point, perhaps the parent of the 2yo is less used to how boisterous older ones can be.

drivenfromdistraction No, they're not victimised angels, but nor are they angry/aggressive yobs who take over the place like mini Kray twins. They're just your average 2 and 4 year old letting off steam in a place that I think is designed for them to do just that. Yes, they were a little oblivious to their surroundings - probably made worse by the fact that on this occasion they were playing in the same area together. But they certainly didn't do anything with any aggression, temper or violence.

Whilst I don't accept my children being the victims, equally I don't accept their ignorance or, god forbid, any signs of aggression from them whatsoever, however minor or infrequent.

Softplay IS horrible. But not wholly because of what goes on between the kids, but for me, the politics that goes on with the parents. Trust me, I have never had a parent speak to me or either of my children regarding their behaviour at the park, in a restaurant, etc.

I really have to stop replying now as all I want to do is put this matter to bed.

Don't go if you find it horrible? Twice at others birthday parties is plenty for me! Nightmare both times, I make excuses why they can't go now

"Boys will be boys"- I hate that too. An excuse for yobbish behaviour,

I don't understand why you are holding up as an example of reasonable parenting that you didn't tell anybody that your DC had been injured to the point of bleeding. I would want to know if my DC had done that, so that I could try to manage their behaviour better in future.

My 5yo DS has some behaviour issues around other children - he lashes out - so DH and I do literally watch him like a hawk when somewhere like soft play. We have never been asked to leave by another parent - although we've left under our own steam when we thought it appropriate.

So I would say that it is unusual - even given our special circumstances - to be asked to leave by other parents.

I am also surprised that your husband didn't anticipate that the other 2yo was likely to get knocked over. What's the point of him hovering otherwise?

Artandco

I'm the same. The only time I set foot I these places are for school friends birthday parties and even then there's probably 5 per year. OP now the weather is better take them with bikes and scooters or Rollerblades to the local park. I'm lucky as we have a huge victorian park where they can ride round for ages then play on the park. Joinery a local sports club which is probably cheaper than the entry fee to the soft play. I agree wih what a poster said above re social skills. The few I have been to the kids all seem to shout, barge each other about and get hyper whilst parents either hide to get some peace or follow their kids around huffing and puffing at anyone who knocks their kids. Not my idea of a fun outing,probably ok if stuck for something to do in the winter.

isitmeor when did I say I didn't say anything about my son being punched in the eyebrow? What I said was I didn't react in the same way others do for what are accidents. I did speak calmly to the boy's mum, as did other parents whose children had been assaulted, but I didn't want her or her son's head on a stake.

Nor did I ever say I'd been asked to leave. I've felt obliged to leave after I can feel holes burning into my back from their angry glares when their child may have been hurt accidentally. Massive difference.

I watch my children the whole time I'm in there and act upon anything that I or others may deem inappropriate. I don't view my time in there as an opportunity to relax with a coffee while my children run riot, as so many others do.

I think someone above had it spot on: some people look to blame others when things go wrong due to their own lack of parenting. The OTT mother should have prevented her 2yo from walking into an area that wasn't age appropriate, and I should grow thicker skin Both on here and in the soft play centre

My children know to be gentle around all other children, no matter their age.