Discipline - Sent to bed 2 hours early and with no tea

[youngwidow]

I've just sent my five year old to bed with no tea after misbehaving during her Spanish tuition. (She was brought up bilingual until I moved us to the UK - from Spain - after the death of her Father, so the classes are to not lose her Spanish). She's a good kid, lively but clever and normally pretty good behaviour and she knows she has done wrong. For the last three weeks it has been one (more minor) punishment or another after her tuition. She would not behave like that in school - ever. I have never sent her to bed more than 45 minutes early and always had her tea. Am I wrong to do this? No treats, no tv etc. have not worked.

OP, don't worry. It's not like you do this habitually. She'll survive. Maybe take her up a snack now if she is still awake. Tomorrow, ask if she doesn't enjoy Spanish and if not, agree to drop it.

Tbh, if the tutor isn't a native speaker, there's no more benefit to it than you and her speaking Spanish together. I think what you are already doing is fine. Let her watch Dora in Spanish, read Spanish story books, listen to Spanish music, speak only Spanish to her relatives on that side of the family, and go and visit them often. If there is a Spanish club - maybe at weekends not after school, then she could try that out.

Generally, friends I know who do this sort of thing end up having huge battles, and as LEMming says, they end up troubled. Not worth fighting about. Laid back parents who listen and chat things over can end up with far more conscientious and better behaved DC.

Enough on the food now. I said it won't happen again. Maybe there is some misunderstanding here. Out of an hour session, she comes out a couple of times for non - reasons and goes back in. She for the rest participates well with the odd blip of concentration (which I have no issue with). She does not hate the lesson. But it is unusual for her to persistently misbehave like this. I have done all you have suggested, explaining, listening etc for the past three weeks. I truly believe she just needs to think carefully about what she is doing and (as I have explained it to her) treat it like school - she would not dream of doing that at school.

But you need to figure out what's behind it which might mean trying out different things, or just asking her - in a non accusative way which might be difficult if she already feels your disapproval about her behaviour.

Are you on facebook? If so, PM me and I can direct you to a nice, friendly group about raising multilingual children if you're interested.

Thanks Woodrunner. I do have to discipline her though (perhaps differently) surely laid back parenting is a reciepe for disaster?

Maybe give the tutoring a break for a few weeks. Young children have so much to learn at school every day and most this age are exhausted at this time of year dispute just having the Xmas hols. She won't starve after no tea but it's a bit negative and not a great way to end the day . A friend has a similar thing going on. He daughter has Swedish tutoring. She changed it to every other Saturday morning. This seems to work for now. If your daughter isn't enjoying the after school lesson she may be naughty if she knows she will be sent to bed and this might be her preferred choice , instead of the time with the tutor. Every one handles things wrong sometimes I think some posters are harsh . If you speak mostly Spanish , you can speak to her her in Spanish and she can speak English the rest of the time. Give her a break though and try to make the Spanish fun. One day she will realise how lucky she is to be bilingual

Discipline is about far more than punishment though. Sometimes it's just about trying to resolve the problem with your child rather than fighting against them.

Out of an hour session, she comes out a couple of times for non - reasons and goes back in. She for the rest participates well with the odd blip of concentration

I was going to say that early bed was fair enough for disrespecting her tutor, but if she did only what you've described then even that is too harsh.

And I appreciate that you've said that she won't go without food as a punishment again, but have you given her any food today?

So true Bertie .

I wouldn't impose such high standards of behaviour on my 5yo.

Thank you all.

I agree, the punishments fine but give her toast and milk in her bedroom.

It's also perfectly fine to explain to her that you might have handled the situation badly . Ask her how she was feeling and explain hew you were feeling when she was disrespectful to the tutor.
I'm sure you felt upset too . Very brave to post what happened

NONE of us are perfect parents .

I agree toast or porridge before sleep though.

So, she is at home there is a woman there talking to her and playing with her in Spanish and you have punished her, quite severly for coming out of the room twice? Really? She came out of the room - that's it?

There are other ways to keep her Spanish up - this isn't working. Either this woman comes as a tutor and they 'work' or you need to find someone your DD wants to play with - making her play & chat to this woman isn't working.

Also, you cannot separate out behaviour you find unacceptable and say it has nothing to do with her Father dying. You don't know that. You don't know why she is 'playing up' so how can you say it's not related? She was 3 when he died, she probably can't verbalise a lot of what she is going through - yes she's eloquent, but we aren't born with the vocabulary to describe our feelings, it's learnt and she is only 5. She might not even understand what's triggering her herself.

Your name on here is 'YoungWidow' - you clearly identify by that, why shouldn't she?

Chipping has got a point here. I have a friend who's father died when she was 4. It's affected her and she's just realised how much and having counselling for it. The main thing she remembers is no one talking about her dad. That's her main regret that her mother didn't talk about him and all photos etc ere removed. It worth thinking about . It must be tough for you but it will have affected her . Sometimes children don't know how they feel , just that they don't feel totally right .

I do have to discipline her though (perhaps differently) surely laid back parenting is a reciepe for disaster?

I think you're missing an important point here. Children of this age don't learn well from activities that they aren't enjoying or engaged in.

If your DD isn't engaged you are wasting your money and everyone's time and you will risk switching off her enthusiasm for learning.

Try to find a different format for keeping her Spanish going. Get the tutor to play games that she loves, to take her for walks and talk about what they can see, to build models and describe them. If that doesn't work find a different tutor.

An hour is an awful long time to concentrate at this age. She wouldn't be expected to sit learning one subject for that long in school. Maybe all you need to do is cut the sessions to 30 minutes.

One 30 minute lesson that she is enjoying is far more valuable than an hour that she finds tiring and tedious.

She needs to want to be in the room for it to be of any benefit to her. If it's a chore the whole thing is pointless.

goodness, I think some of the responses here are harsh. Being sent to bed without tea once is not the end of the world, nor is it abuse - it would be if it was used regularly as a punishment but I have no understanding that that is the case here.

OP, I think you need to find another way to maintain your DD's links with Spain and her birth language. A group situation would be better. One-to-one tutoring after school for an hour at this age is a bit much, I think.

DVDs are a good idea too - it may be a bit young but I'm sure Pocoyo (narrated for the UK market by Stephen Fry) is Spanish. And what about Spanish sound story books? A Spanish singing class? Do you attend Mass - I don't know where you are but there is certainly a Spanish church in London, probably in other cities too.

Hands up all perfect parents ? Oh ! No hands going up. Youngwidow
I'm sure you are doing your best

Can you have a weekend Spanish tutor who maybe takes her out and talks in Spanish?

She's only 5. You discipline too harshly now and you will rue it when she's older.

I can remember few punishments as a kid but the one incident I remember is mum sending me and my brother to bed early with no dinner. I don't even remember what I'd done wrong - so clearly the punishment didn't work in that respect.

Do you speak Spanish? Could you not set aside some time each day to chat in Spanish? If not could you take some lessons together? Your could both have lots of fun learning together.

Glad you are not going to withhold food again. If you imagine being 5 and someone doing it to you it isnt nice.

I agree with everyone..if she is usually good you beed to rethink the lessons. Have a break..make them more fun or change the time maybe to the weekend.

Or just read a few spanish books with her yourself.