Discipline - Sent to bed 2 hours early and with no tea

[youngwidow]

I've just sent my five year old to bed with no tea after misbehaving during her Spanish tuition. (She was brought up bilingual until I moved us to the UK - from Spain - after the death of her Father, so the classes are to not lose her Spanish). She's a good kid, lively but clever and normally pretty good behaviour and she knows she has done wrong. For the last three weeks it has been one (more minor) punishment or another after her tuition. She would not behave like that in school - ever. I have never sent her to bed more than 45 minutes early and always had her tea. Am I wrong to do this? No treats, no tv etc. have not worked.

Ffs she is 5 years old ! How can you punish your child like that by not feeding her ?

If this is real , you should be ashamed of yourself op

Not feeding her isn't on. She needs to be fed.

Right let's calm the outrage, a well nourished child missing one meal isn't awful.

Op for your own sake though, I would take her up some toast, nothing interesting or exciting, because if she does get hungry she will not sleep well and wake cranky in the morning.

Poor little girl, imagine how sad she must have felt. Did you shout at her when you sent her to bed? Did she go straight to sleep?

Withholding food from a 5 year old as punishment is always wrong.

If you sent her to bed at 4pm. She'll be up at 4am!

I wouldn't use food as any kind of punishment or reward. I have a child who has major eating issues.

Punishments aren't working are they? How far will you escalate this? What will you do next week?

You need to put yourself in her shoes and work out why she isn't staying in the room with the tutor.

Children only learn from processes that engage them. This isn't happening with your DD for some reason. Either she's too tired, doesn't like her tutor, isn't enjoying the work or something else.

You won't solve this by punishing her. Even if she stays in the room she won't be learning if it's fear of punishment keeping her there.

Work out why she doesn't want to cooperate and solve that problem.

A child who eats and sleeps well is a blessing that many parents would go a long way to achieve. Don't mess them up by using them as punishments.

Ok I think given her recent bereavement, and yours...she sounds as though she finds the lessons too much. She isn't just messing about. She's leaving the room. That is pretty hardcore from a 5yo who normally behaves well.

Also you...are you afraid she is going to run riot in terms of discipline? maybe now that her father is not around..?

I am surmising here..I think you both sound stressed and upset and I hope you can find it in you to get to the bottom of it, or maybe, you know, just leave the tuition for a while. She will have such a good grounding in Spanish that it will come back very easily to her at any age now.

So, the lesson is in your home? It's not working, is there a place you can take her so it feels more like a school setting for her.

Just take her up some toast, the trouble is using food as a punishment isn't on, it can bring big problems in the future and food is a right not a treat, the other thing, so early to bed will have her up too early in the morning and then a grumpy not great behaved child in the late afternoon.

I agree with the Spanish being a potential trigger for reminding her, however indirectly, of the death of her father. You say that she's well behaved apart from every time she's with the Spanish teacher? There has to be a connection.

Witholding food as a punishment is never okay.

She is 5, a baby. You sound like a nightmare pushy parent who cares more about your DD learning Spanish than you do about your DD.

I appreciate all your comments, but her Father's death per se has no bearing on this. You cannot let a kid off all the time because their parent has died. (He died 2 years ago) And before you beat me to death - think about this... it breaks my heart more than my own grief to see her have to be without her Papi, but that does not mean I should let her grow up with no consequences to her actions.
However the Spanish trigger, youmakemydreams, I have considered. We return to Spain frequently, speak to her Spanish grandmother on the phone, skype spanish friends, watch spanish things, listen to spanish music etc. So I don't see it.
Do you think tuition, even in this context, is too much for a 5 year old?

I'm sorry, but seriously?

She's five. They're exhausted after leaving school and the last thing most of them want is more work - if they love the activity, great, but most want to unwind from a long day for small kids, doing way more academic work than most European children do at that age. So she acts out, and repeatedly, and your reaction is to send her to bed TWO HOURS ahead of time, and hungry? And this is a child who has lost her father, and been moved to a completely new home country, as well?

OP, I am so sorry for your loss, and it must be really hard for you. But at this age, sending her to bed hungry will just mean she feels desperately upset and angry and focuses on that. It won't make her dwell on her behaviour, I don't think. She's much too small for this level of punitive behaviour, and you aren't actually talking to her in a constructive way, to try to work out what is going on with her and to ensure she understands what she is doing is rude to the teacher.

I'd have spoken to her sternly, made her apologise, perhaps deprived her of some small treat and then talked to her about it properly after her bath and before her bedtime story.

And then worked out what needed to change in her routine, because a five year old reacting that way after a full school day is not playing up. They're reacting normally. I think your expectations are incredibly high, tbh, and by setting yourself in constant opposition to her you're making it all a battle. Kids that age want to please you if you create an atmosphere in which they can, but if you set up a battlefield, they respond accordingly.

Arrange her Spanish class for a weekend. Let her relax after school. She sounds overwhelmed and I don't think constant punishments are really going to build the sort of relationship where you can guide her development as she grows.

Do you speak Spanish with her? Perhaps at this young age that'll be enough, it sounds as though it's already in her life a lot. Maybe wait a year or two to make it more formal.

Do you speak Spanish?

Gossamer I think that is totally uncalled for.

:-) Believee you me GossamerHailfilter I am not a pushy parent. She is fluent in Spain for her age as a Spaniard!! If I had a Spaniard nearby who came for a play and a chat and a coffee, I would happily do that instead of a tutor (who isn't even native) but I don't. I believe childhood be fun. I am shocked by the pressures the children in the UK are put under at such a young age.

Perhaps Gossamer the OP wants to embrace her daughters Spanish heritage? Good for her.

She's going to end up hating Spanish. And you.
Can't she have lessons when she's less tired, like at the weekend? Have you asked her why she's playing up?
Why not talk to other bilingual parents here and ask them for their suggestions as to how to enable a child to see it as a huge positive rather than a battleground.

Honestly? I think 5 is too young for a Spanish tutor, or any tutor, unless it's something that the child is truly interested in. It doesn't sound like she is.

You believe childhood should be fun?
Do you think your daughter is having fun? Sent to bed without supper at 5?

I agree that that's harsh, Gossamer. OP just wants her child to keep the links to her Spanish roots, and her late father, and that's laudable. Given it's alongside English as one of the most widely spoken languages on earth, it also gives her DD a genuine advantage if she's bilingual.

I agree the handling isn't ideal but I don't think the OP shows the least sign of conventionally pushy parenting and nor do I think she shows anything but devotion. I don't agree with her methods, but I can't fault her commitment or concern.

Where do you live, OP? There must be a way you can bring her into regular contact with Spanish people without having to hire a tutor. Are there any foreign students at a nearby uni who would spend time with her at the weekend in return for practising their English with you?

I think sending to room early is a tough but fair punishment. I'm a soft touch though. I would go up with plain toast or similar and discuss the behaviour and why i didn't feel it was acceptable. I don't like to turn lights out on an unhappy child.

At 5 she's old enough to discuss appropriate punishments and rewards. Children can be more creative than us adults at determining what fair punishment is i.e. Removal of favourite toy as stage 1, missing out on treat etc. She may also be able to discuss incentives and the things she possibly already gets that can be rewards for positive reinforcement of behaviour.