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Original poster

Six year old constantly putting his three year old brother down

34 replies

LauraChant · 04/01/2014 10:14

DS1 is forever telling his younger brother that he is stupid, silly, etc. Sonetimes it is just constant, a stream of "oh DS2 you are so stupid. No! Stupid DS2! DS2 is stupid! DS2 is stupid!"

Today DS2 was painting and didn't get the colours as he wanted. He said to himself sadly "stupid DS2". This breaks my heart. How can we stop DS1 from being so horrible? He has never heard any of this from us, we have never called him or his brother stupid - we give a lot of praise and positive feedback.

What would you do? I know some jealousy and "you are a poo" type stuff is inevitable but I think this goes beyond that.

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peking · 04/01/2014 10:19

What strategies have you already tried?

neolara · 04/01/2014 10:19

What happens when you tell your DS1 not to call DS2 stupid?

Buzzardbird · 04/01/2014 10:21

How is he punished for this? I suspect someone is doing this to him at school, you need to get to the route of this

Original poster
LauraChant · 04/01/2014 10:23

neolara he says "But he is stupid!" and tells me why. Or he says "oh ok" and is doing it again in 2 minutes. Or he says ok and then starts saying "Ds2 is poopid" or something.

I pick him up every time. If he keeps doing it it is time out. He will then protest and say he wont do it again but it is like he cant stop. Do you think a sticker chart? But am not sure how to reward not doing something?

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Original poster
LauraChant · 04/01/2014 10:24

I doubt someone is doing it ti him at school. He is popular and known as very clever - his teacher said children ask him for spelling help.

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Original poster
LauraChant · 04/01/2014 10:25

Sorry for typos - am on phone and also a bit shaky as have not asked for advice here before, just mucked about on baby names etc!

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FunkyBoldRibena · 04/01/2014 10:31

'He isn't stupid - he is just littler than you. Each time you call him stupid I am taking away one of your toys starting with your favourite.'

onedev · 04/01/2014 10:32

For me it would be immediate punishment each & every time it happens.

My 7 yr old used to do this a lot to his younger brother (5) & once he realised I wouldn't tolerate it, it soon stopped.

His punishment would be things that meant a lot to him, so things like no football, no chocolate, no iPad / PS Vita etc & it would be immediate & every single time it happened. He doesn't do it anymore, thankfully, although they both have a habit of calling each other poo!!

Original poster
LauraChant · 04/01/2014 10:35

funky I think there would soon be no toys! I can try that. How long do you remove toys for? His fave toys are books and I do feel a bit bad taking books away.

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MrsCaptainReynolds · 04/01/2014 10:35

Blanket rule "no name calling in this house" and everyone sticks to it, lead by example.

The 4th video on this page is interesting.

Original poster
LauraChant · 04/01/2014 10:36

Thanks for your experiences onedev I am glad you managed to stop this happening, it gives me hope!

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Original poster
LauraChant · 04/01/2014 10:38

Thanks MrsCaptain, am on phone but will check out the video later.
Do people think no to the sticker chart, say a sticker for every half a day there is no name calling?

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Anniemousse · 04/01/2014 10:39

Stupid is a banned word in our house because "it's not a kind word. We use kind words" .
If ds, 6 and very intolerant of his 3 yo brother, can't be kind he must leave the family room until he can come back, apologise, and be kind to others.
He gets interrupted as soon as he starts and reminded to be kind. Then if he repeats he gets a warning that people who can't be kind others have to go away from the family room, then he gets sent out for 6 minutes if he persists.

onedev · 04/01/2014 10:39

I do it for the rest of the day & if it's late in the day then it carries over until the next day.

I would probably feel bad about taking books away too, is there nothing else he loves? TV? Music? Favourite toy car? Going to the park? Out on his bike or scooter?

Patilla · 04/01/2014 10:42

To be honest if I warned DS1 and he did it again I would take him away from DS2 for a period of time and generally that would mean time out or bedroom. I would also expect him to go and apologise to DS2 and say he was wrong.

Failure to do so would mean loss of toys and/or privileges.

I'd be harsh on this as it has the potential to really affect how DS2 views himself.

onedev · 04/01/2014 10:44

A reward chart may work for your DS - mine aren't bothered by those kinds of things (never have been) so we've never used them.

I also don't give warnings anymore - they're all aware of kind / unkind words & as soon as they're used, that's it - immediate punishment & because they know whats about to happen, they usually start saying sorry there & then. [That makes no difference as the punishment will happen anyway, but I thank them for saying & being sorry!].

Original poster
LauraChant · 04/01/2014 10:46

Thank you Anniemousse I like that.

Yes he has things he likes but if I said "no TV today" he would play Lego, or "no Lego" he would read a book. I don't think a day would affect him that much

No sweet things on the other hand...that might.

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Patilla · 04/01/2014 10:47

If I were going to do a sticker chart I wouldn't want to reward not doing something bad do would give him a sticker for days he has praised or encouraged DS2.

Might help him think more about the effects of his words on DS2 and big brotherly responsibility.

At 6 they don't need rewards to not say something IMO they are old enough to understand its wrong.

Original poster
LauraChant · 04/01/2014 10:47

Thank you all for your help, I have to go now but will check back later.

Am amazed at the rapidity of responses!

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BigArea · 04/01/2014 10:47

I think rewarding him for not doing it is sending the wrong message. Agree with PPs that immediate punishment for every put down is the way to go. At the same time I'd be talking to DS1 about what he was like as a baby/toddler and when he learnt do do certain things etc. finally, I'd have a think about why he's doing this - smacks of jealousy to me. Do you have any 1:1 time with DS1? If not, might be worth implementing, with you and DH taking turns to take him out alone. Doesn't have to be expensive, just the park would do the job. Best of luck

Original poster
LauraChant · 04/01/2014 10:48

Thank you all for your help, I have to go now but will check back later.

Am amazed at the rapidity of responses!

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Original poster
LauraChant · 04/01/2014 10:48

Thank you all for your help, I have to go now but will check back later.

Am amazed at the rapidity of responses!

OP posts:
Anniemousse · 04/01/2014 10:50

I think to be most effective consequences should be immediate and logical.

No sweet after dinner for example, doesn't affect me right away and I don't care anyway because I'm pissed off with him now and I need to tell him what I think of him! At dinner however it feels realy unjust to a child when the offence was aaaages ago and long forgotten.

So: can't get on with others leads to being removed from the group right away. It may be that he needs a few minutes to collect himself in any case. It's what I do when I can't bear the company I'm in Grin

cheminotte · 04/01/2014 10:51

Can you try a bit more explanation and empathy. Eg he's not stupid, he just doesn't know his colours yet. You didn't know them until you were 4, maybe you can help me teach him?