Six year old constantly putting his three year old brother down

[LauraChant]

DS1 is forever telling his younger brother that he is stupid, silly, etc. Sonetimes it is just constant, a stream of "oh DS2 you are so stupid. No! Stupid DS2! DS2 is stupid! DS2 is stupid!"

Today DS2 was painting and didn't get the colours as he wanted. He said to himself sadly "stupid DS2". This breaks my heart. How can we stop DS1 from being so horrible? He has never heard any of this from us, we have never called him or his brother stupid - we give a lot of praise and positive feedback.

What would you do? I know some jealousy and "you are a poo" type stuff is inevitable but I think this goes beyond that.

Hi "laura"

You need to explain to your older child that when he tells his little brother he is stupid, he really believes it. Just like DS1 would if YOU told him he was stupid.

My brother called me stupid, ugly and pathetic from an early age, he then progressed to telling me I would never be loved, never be happy and that anyone that wanted to be with me was either playing games or deranged.

You cannot imagine how difficult this has been for my life, I am constantly on edge, wondering when everything will fall apart and leave me miserable because 'that is what I deserve'

I found out there is a thing called 'emotional sibling abuse' which is when an older sibling tells a younger sibling this sort of thing, the really scary part is that the younger sibling will just believe it is true, it will completely take over his life if it continues and they will have no relationship when they are older.

It needs to stop now, not with 'charts' and 'punishments' because actually all that will do is put pressure on the younger child not to tell you what is happening because they will not want the older child to get into trouble. Have frank and honest family discussions (yes from a young age) where you explain why it is so damaging to use those words to describe each other. Talk about what you would like for your family but NOT with guilt. With love.

I do not speak to my mother because she failed to protect me, I doubt a day will come when I speak to her again.

Please deal with it, it is SO important.

Could you set up some activities where ds1 can help ds2 so he feels less like being mean and more of a helper?
If you do sticker charts maybe rewarding when he is nice to him (rather than not being horrible if you see what I mean)
Good luck!

Sorry don't know how that happened...

I haven't read it but people often recommend the book Siblings Without Rivalry.

'Room now until you want to be nice' no discussion, no debate. Any point scoring or nasty put downs and you leave.

In our house it was 6y to 9y (Because DD1 is dyslexic and hopeless at making friends DD2 could come up with a 1000 cleaver, accurate and very nasty comments. DD1 got enough crap at school without getting it at home).

Six year olds are just beginning to find their feet as individuals and enjoy the power their growing physical and mental abilities give them. However, the don't have a very adult view of other people's feelings. It takes them a long while to register that siblings (and parents) have feelings, just as they and their BFs do.

They live very in the present, if their sibling annoys them, they say so. It takes time to learn it's not to your advantage to say the first thing that comes into their head.

In this house it would be 6 minutes on the bottom step each time - no warnings/no arguments (its not OK to call someone stupid even if they have made a mistake)/no exceptions.

You could give him some words he can say if frustration is at the root of this "Ds2 you are really annoying me" but tbh it just sounds like he is being mean (rather than cross).

Its not OK to treat friends like that so not OK b/w siblings.

Starball I actually think saying someone is annoying you is OK (as long as its not for breathing or something) but name calling is not OK.

Ok, poor choice of words. It is fine to say politely DD1 please could you let me get a word in edge ways, DD1 was very loud and in your face.

However, DD2 is a very sharp cookie and would come up with a very cutting and unpleasant way of putting it.

Being 6 she revelled in her new found skill with words and didn't stop to think a) How hurtful she was being and b) likelihood of third nasty comment getting her thumped.

DD1 is a very tolerant soul, she would let DD2 getaway with being nasty up to a point, but ...

When your 9y sister is the hight and weight of a 12y and faintly Dyspraxic, goading her until she snaps is not going to end well.

It's important you deal with it. It sounds as though he feels in competition with his brother, and may need more attention and loving despite being the older child.