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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Birthday Party Politics

45 replies

ButterflySandwich · 07/12/2013 12:11

My DS aged 8 has a close friend at school whom he plays with at break times, they've been close since day 1 in reception and are now in Yr 4. The friend has been over to play but no invites back. The friend has been to ALL my DS birthday parties and, this is what's really upsetting my DS, yet again he's not invited to his friends party. His friend even promised to my DS (as he does every year) that he'd get an invite, and every year I try and prepare DS for a disappointment, which he always gets and then I have to help him get over it. Thing is, I don't know why and neither does DS.
Do you think I should send a message (the Mum works full time so I never see her) to the Mum and just ask her to talk to her son about how always promising my DS an invite and never giving one, really hurts his feelings?

Every year I want to do this, and every year I chicken out!

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Original poster

ButterflySandwich · 07/12/2013 12:14

A possible explanation is that DS friends Mum only keeps in touch with her antenatal class friends, meets up with them at weekends and obviously never sees anyone else as she's at work. All these Mums have children in DS class So I think she tells her DS who he can and ccannot invite based on her friendships iyswim

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Original poster

ButterflySandwich · 07/12/2013 22:10

Bump?

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QOD · 07/12/2013 22:15

No idea, but that's sad

lizandlulu · 07/12/2013 22:24

Are other kids in the class invited?

Maybe their family is really big and the parties are family kids only? If other kids from the class are invited, then I don't know

I probably wouldn't say anything and just seeth about it quietly.

Original poster

ButterflySandwich · 07/12/2013 22:29

No, it's 7 boys from the class (the Mum put it on FB, was so tempted to comment that my DS was looking forward to it, but it's a bit public!)

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QOD · 07/12/2013 22:53

Whatever you do is bound to back fire.
I'd be tempted to message her along the lines of

"Hi, butterflyboys mum here! just a quick note! I'm not sure you're aware that our boys are close friends, I wonder if you could have a chat with inconsideratewomansboy about my son?
I am not one of those mums who who expects my son to be included in everything but your little boy has been most adamant again this year that ds is one of his best friends and is definitely invited to his party. It's quite hard for us to manage his expectations when he is promised this.

Whilst I'm at it, would so and so like to come play again one night next week?"

But that'll all backfire :(

Original poster

ButterflySandwich · 07/12/2013 23:16

Thanks QOD, I'd love to send her that. I'm sure she's not aware of how my DS feels. Perhaps I could say that to her. I guess I can't lose anything if I put it very sweetly

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ICameOnTheJitney · 07/12/2013 23:57

It sound odd...at this age, most kids have a definite say in who gets an invitation....they're not babies anymore...one thing that I would do is ask your Ds teacher if there are any issues which you're not ware of as far as the friendship goes. Does DS get invitations from other kids?

Original poster

ButterflySandwich · 08/12/2013 07:04

At parents evening last month his Teacher said he's lacking confidence, which I had approached her about a few weeks prior to that as he was refusing to fill in forms for being football captain etc, as he said "There's no point, I won't get it". His Teacher said that in his class was a few kids who are very clever for their age but that they know it and remind everyone. She didn't name any but I know which ones and they're all at this party (not the child himself though). I don't think that that is a reason not to invite my DS though.

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SatinSandals · 08/12/2013 07:19

I would just encourage other friendships.

DropYourSword · 08/12/2013 07:24

I wouldn't get too involved with this. When I was at primary school I had a really close friend, but her mum decided for whatever reason that she really didn't like me, so I was never invited round to the house for tea, sleepovers, parties etc. My mum getting involved really wouldn't have helped things at all and in the wider scheme of things it's not had a traumatic effect on me.

Original poster

ButterflySandwich · 08/12/2013 09:08

That's the other thing - teaching my DS that in life there will always be people who aren't as nice as we are, and how to deal with it.

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ICameOnTheJitney · 08/12/2013 09:35

To be honest it sounds as though the boy is just shallow and giving empty promises....I'd definitely encourage other friendships.

Original poster

ButterflySandwich · 08/12/2013 19:57

Thing is, the boy comes across as polite, well mannered and a generally nice kid. I don't want to tell DS to make new friends because I think he should decide who his own friends are! It's difficult

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SatinSandals · 08/12/2013 20:02

If he decides who is own friends are then he has to deal with it. It is hard, but contacting the mother isn't a good idea IMO.

cheekbyjowl · 08/12/2013 22:09

I don't have a child of that age to really know. ..but do you think the child or the mum is deciding on the invite list.

if the mum, and shes not someone you know well, can you make an opportunity to get to know her, perhaps you and other yr 4 mums. if you knew her better (not with the pre text of the party) then it would make it easier to help your dss friendship along.

im not sure if Im making much sense but I infer that your hesitancy to send the email. ..which seems a very fair thing to ask btw...is because you don't know how the mum will react and don't want to make the situation worse. but maybe if you got to know the mum a bit you would feel more comfortable. it might not fix it in time for this party (maybe find a super distraction for your ds if so) but make it easier to organise future days out.

Hassled · 08/12/2013 22:14

I think QOD's message is spot on. At 8 years old, inconsideratewoman's son is old enough to understand why making false promises is not nice. If it were any other sort of not nice behaviour I'm sure you'd address it - the whole party etiquette nightmare is understandably holding you back. But the bottom line is that this boy is being pretty damn mean, and QOD's message is perfect.

SatinSandals · 08/12/2013 22:26

I wouldn't send a message like that. If you want to just have a word in person.

cheekbyjowl · 08/12/2013 22:30

or ... could you Facebook her one day and say hi, we don't see each other often but my son tells me how much he enjoys playing/hanging out (im out of date with the lingo) with your boy. would you like to take them (insert activity) together one day.

see what she says

it might prompt her to ask her ds if he'd like to invite your boy to the party ...and if it doesn't then at least her response to your hand of friendship might help you to ascertain whether the problem lies with her or In their friendship

might be easier than an email letting her know that your son is hurt by her sons actions as that sort of email would be hard for her to respond to...

SatinSandals · 08/12/2013 22:33

If I got a message like QOD's I would apologise,even have a word with DS, but avoid in future.

SatinSandals · 08/12/2013 22:34

You can't get tone of voice, body language etc into a written message.

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen · 08/12/2013 22:35

Tapiocapearl · 09/12/2013 04:47

Nicely FB her ' hiya x. son keeps inviting DS to his birthday party by the way. Thought I'd better mention it'

SavoyCabbage · 09/12/2013 04:56

I agree with Satin. If you want to your ds to choose his own friends then not being invited to his parties or round to his house is a part of that. For whatever reason. It is weird that he never gets asked, but it's happening every year so it doesn't look like its a mistake.

Chottie · 09/12/2013 05:10

This is not meant to sound blunt, but I really think you should step back and not try to micro manage your son's friendships. Are there no other boys/girls in the class he is friendly with?

Does your son do any external school activities and have any friends from them? Having external friends is a great way to put this sort of thing into prospective.

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