Birthday Party Politics

[ButterflySandwich]

My DS aged 8 has a close friend at school whom he plays with at break times, they've been close since day 1 in reception and are now in Yr 4. The friend has been over to play but no invites back. The friend has been to ALL my DS birthday parties and, this is what's really upsetting my DS, yet again he's not invited to his friends party. His friend even promised to my DS (as he does every year) that he'd get an invite, and every year I try and prepare DS for a disappointment, which he always gets and then I have to help him get over it. Thing is, I don't know why and neither does DS.
Do you think I should send a message (the Mum works full time so I never see her) to the Mum and just ask her to talk to her son about how always promising my DS an invite and never giving one, really hurts his feelings?

Every year I want to do this, and every year I chicken out!

[ButterflySandwich]

I agree totally, but he was invited by the boy then it was retracted and you know what? She just replied :
Bless him. I have spoken to myDS and told him it was not fair of him to do that. He would like to make it up to him. he is very sorry x

So I feel I have had a good outcome, no one had a row and I feel soo much better

[ICameOnTheJitney]

I think you need to take this on the chin a bit more. I'm surprised you messaged her again tbh. I think it was best left as it was.....people have the right to ask who they want without getting hassled over it really. My DD is 9 and in the Summer one of her mates had a sleepover....DD wasn't invited....I know she felt sad about it but just said "Maybe there was only room for so many girls and you were just one of the unlucky ones." it;'s important to acknowledge their sadness in these situations but not to go out fighting their corner too much as a lot of it is social stuff that they need to work out themselves.

[ButterflySandwich]

You're right, you're right. I replied:

All I know is a few weeks back, DS was very excited because yourDS was having a party, or a sleepover for his birthday, and yourDS wanted him to go. I did tell my DS not to get too excited and to wait for a proper invite. He got very sad about it, that's all x

Now I'm going to leave it! I feel a bit better actually

My DH response? "Hakuna Matata!" Ha ha

[SatinSandals]

You will have to let it go and encourage other friendships.

[Jiltedjohnsjulie]

You need to leave this now. Your son must have other friends, invite one fir tea this week.

[ButterflySandwich]

And I think they had a little fight today because this boy was "boasting" about how great a time he had to my DS, and my DS got upset, so he "may" have pushed him and got a kick back

[ButterflySandwich]

Oh had another message:
Hi Butterfly I have spoken to my DS. I am getting confused in my old age. You do know that my DS didnt have a party for this birthday. He just had a few friends for a sleep over. He said that he didn't mention it to yourDS but really don't know what was said. Anyway I have spoken to him. Hope yourDS is ok. X

So he had a few friends over for a sleepover but that's not a party, I'm sure no one sang happy birthday or had cake!

[SatinSandals]

I think the response was I would expect, she is going to talk to him because it wasn't nice, but it isn't likely to improve the friendship.

[lljkk]

That was good, OP. I don't think you could just leave it.

[Jiltedjohnsjulie]

I wouldn't have done it but you have now and I think her response was reasonable but I wouldn't be surprised if she snubs you from now on.

We had a similar incident last year. DS is in a tight group of friends and has been for some years. The boy he considered to be his best friend invited every boy in the group apart from DS. It was hard for him and we had to talk to DS several times about how these things happen and we were sure it wasn't intentional and a couple of conversations like yours on how we choose friends.

12 months on the outcome couldn't have been better. DS is still friends with the original group but now has a best friend and he is lovely. Think DS has seen for himself that perhaps it was time to move on.

[ICameOnTheJitney]

Well that's good! I think her response was very reasonable and it sounds like she WILL speak to him too!

[ButterflySandwich]

No the bottom paragraph is what I discussed with DS this evening. Sorry to confuse!

[ICameOnTheJitney]

Hmm. I think her reply is a bit ambiguous...she seems to be suggesting that your DS makes her DS sad! The comment about her DS "going to focus on other friends" is a bit is it possible your DS has been unintentionally upsetting the lad?

[ButterflySandwich]

Her reply:
Hi Butterfly I am so sorry I was not aware of this at all. I will speak to DS and explain this to him. As you said DS is not intentionally mean he just doesn't think about how it could upset someone. Once again I am very sorry but thank you for messaging me x

And I've discussed with my DS how we want to be friends with people who make us feel good about ourselves, who give us compliments and enjoy our company as well as being honest with us, not with people who make us feel sad. He agrees nd is going to focus more on his other friends.

[ButterflySandwich]

[ButterflySandwich]

Ok I sent it:

Hi Muminquestion, DS Mum here. Sorry to be messaging you but I don't see you to talk in person. I don't like to get involved normally with DS and his friendships, I feel it's up to him (with the right guidance at home). However, yourboy seems to be making a habit now of inviting DS to his parties and then going back on his word! I'm only mentioning it because, yet again, DS gets very hurt by it. I'm sure he doesn't do it to be intentionally mean, yourboy is a good boy, but could you explain to him that these false promises upsets DS? Again, I'm sorry to message you like this and I'm not intending to be argumentative, just to let you know that DS is quite a sensitive little soul and sees it as rejection. Please do phone me/message me back! Thanks for understanding, ButterflySandwich

I await her response

[ButterflySandwich]

JADORE that's awful! I definately would complain if any of my kids were treated like that! I'm so sorry you had that experience

I've only had the boy round once, at end of Reception. There was an incident soon after when DS and his friend got caught writing on school property (they were only 5). The boys step dad, in front of me, demanded to the teacher that they were a bad influence on each other and should be kept separate. He also said that his step son insisted it was my DS idea (funny cos my DS said it was this boy's idea) and that made me think he meant it was my DS that was the bad influence. I wish I was more assertive then, because I would have said that they were kids being kids and they were both at fault. The Teacher thought SD was being unnecessary. So I think that the problems with no invites is down to this one incident several years ago. They were 5, they learnt their lesson and wouldn't dream of doing it again!
Oo I had forgotten about that. My bloods boiling thinking back to it. Now I really do want to send a message!

[jadorecakesnbiscuits]

When i was little, my BEST FRIEND Jessica had a party at a big soft play venue with a meal, i watched her mum hand out invites to everyone in both classes of year 4 but me, also some children in the year above that jessica didnt know.

I told my mum and she was horrified, i was a quiet kid, never violent or bullying to other kids and was very polite to adults. My mom decided to take me to toys r us, get me the most expensive barbie for Jess and take me to the party anyway!!!! i gave the present to jess and she loved it but her mum made me sit on my own while the rest of the party ate and excluded me from pass the parcel and other games, it turns out my dads friend had taken jesses mums sister on a date and not called her again! This still upsets me now the way i was excluded, i would call for jess and her mum would let all of our mates in, give them sweets and leave me on the doorstep for 20 mins, i asked to use her toilet and she said "have you not even got 10p for the public one?" I WAS ABOUT 9!

My point is my mom played the bigger person, consoled me and didnt engage in arguments, some mums are just funny, some have good reasons and it could all be a misunderstanding, some are just horrible cows x

[SatinSandals]

Either you are in the sort of friendly terms that seventiesgirl mentions, in which case you can slip it into the , or you are not and should leave it.
Either you encourage him in other friendships or you let him do it himself and he has to deal with it.
You can't micro manage, however much you might like to. You can write notes, broach the subject, and the mother can point out to him that it isn't kind to say that he will invite him, and then not, but it won't make them be great friends if the other boy doesn't feel that way.

[seventiesgirl]

From your post it sounds as if this boy comes round to your house to play regularly? If that's the case I think you are in a position to question the mum about the party invite even if it's done in such a way as "your son has invited my son to his party, if he's not invited can you tell your son to stop saying he is invited"....

[Chottie]

This is not meant to sound blunt, but I really think you should step back and not try to micro manage your son's friendships. Are there no other boys/girls in the class he is friendly with?

Does your son do any external school activities and have any friends from them? Having external friends is a great way to put this sort of thing into prospective.

[SavoyCabbage]

I agree with Satin. If you want to your ds to choose his own friends then not being invited to his parties or round to his house is a part of that. For whatever reason. It is weird that he never gets asked, but it's happening every year so it doesn't look like its a mistake.

[Tapiocapearl]

Nicely FB her ' hiya x. son keeps inviting DS to his birthday party by the way. Thought I'd better mention it'

[QODRestYeMerryGentlemen]

[SatinSandals]

You can't get tone of voice, body language etc into a written message.