hiya. Gosh this does get us all heated doesn't it?? I think i am cuddly, so can't quite get my head round all the anger here, except i know the church and the behaviour of many christians (and flawed teachings over the centuries) have a lot to answer for.
Obviuously, if you don't believe you don't, and nothing anyone can say is going to change your mind. I was a convinced atheist until i was 20, when i was studying the history of philosophy as part of my history degree. I slowly came to the philosophical conclusion that God was needed to make sense of the traditional western morality structure (didn't believe, so therefore that rested on no basis imo) (not sure i think this so strongly any more by the way). Then i had a 'conversion experience' - seemed to actually experience the presence of God one day. That's the only thing that could hvae 'converted' me, so obviously i can't say anyone else 'should' be converted by any less. Why doesn't god do that to evreyone? Not the faintest idea, and yes it does bother me.
I guess i think of my faith in quite a scientific way - its my working hypothesis. Currently it fits the facts of my experience better than anything else. Other things that i experience in the future may well modify my views, as they have already been modified in the 10 years or so i'v been a christian. We can all only honestly make sense of our own experience, and since we have all had different experiences that means we are going to come to different interim conclusions. This doesn't mean there isn't an 'absolute truth', but it does mean we can never be totally sure we've got it (we can say we're 'sure', but what we mean is we feel it to be the case that its true, its not a philosophical statement).
Re the crucifixion/atonement/how does it work/ is God a bastard to have done it? - big questions that theologians have argued about for, ooh, two millenia! My current feeling on this is quite coloured by my experience of pmd, i think. As part of that i got vry over-empathic, and virtually felt the pain of anyone anywhere as if it was happening to me or my child. This made me very very aware of all the evil and suffering that goes on in the world (torture, especially, is so hard to account for - how can anyone enjoy causing pain??). So i think at the moment that the crucifixion actually makes sense, in that it takes the reality of evil very seriously - God can't just get round it, it needs to be gone through to come out the other side (like the 'were going on a bear hunt story!). I think the crucifixion and resurrection were decisive for the whole world, for all history, not just for those afterwards who 'choose' to believe - it changed (for all time) the relationship between God and the world. Just as you don't have to be a Christian to enjoy the sun and rain, you don't have to be one to enjoy the benefits of the resurrection (bit controversial there, maybe). the world is still a shitty place - and no, i don't understand why and boy do i wish it were different - but there is hope. I used to think ideas of heaven were just wish fulfilment, after the pmd i think i now feel there has to be a heaven for there to be any justice in the world - not because i want it for me or my family specifically, because we are quite comfortable and happy now, but for all those kids who die of starvation in their first year, or women who die after prolonged rape and torture, etc etc. Not that they need the hope (they might not even know about it), but that its just not fair otherwise.
I guess the alternative is it just isn't fair. This may be true, how do i know. But i know i can't bear that thought - whcih i fully agree makes no difference to its truth status.
This makes it all sound like wish fulfillment agian - it isn't, because this is all theorising later, the basis of my faith is my experience of God and subsequent lesser experiences in services, communion, prayer, other people.