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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Do you shout and is it as bad as

112 replies

HelloDolly · 18/06/2006 18:46

smacking in your opionion ?

I shout but don't smack, but when I was a child I could be reduced to a snivelling heap by Mum or Dad shouting at me so I wonder whether it's just as bad.

If you don't please, please tell me what works instead, I have actually lost my voice today from yelling at them to stop hitting and winding each other up.
It is lack of attention today because I am knackered but this isn't a widly unusual day.

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MOOBELLA · 22/06/2006 20:54

I am so relieved to read that other people shout. It's something I'm trying not to do as it seems to be more to do with my tiredness/frustration with a situation and before I know it I've snapped when I know I should have been calm and mellow instead... Singing has helped me and contantly reminding myself that I am passing on poor communication skills fuels my guilt and makes me determined to try better next time! I do feel shouting is wrong - I wouldn't do it to an adult friend that I find frustrating so I don't see why I should be able to justify shouting at my children! But glad to see I'm not on my own - my mother shouted at me and I hated it - I don't want to be the same!!!

Reece · 23/06/2006 10:42

Threebob - Love your tips on the "getting them into their car seat" business! I have been having awful trouble with DS. Will try your tactics today..

We all love our kids but boy do they push all the right buttons!

As for shouting - yes I do that too and I really don't enjoy it but sometimes it has to be done. Stress levels get so high you just burst at some point.

As for smacking - Have done it a few times. Felt really guilty afterwards. Doesn't seem to be effective with DS. He tends to smack me back so what am I teaching him?! He also tells me "you are a naughty boy". Quite funny how he doesn't quite get the boy/girl thing yet. This is all evidence that they do as you do.

If I'm pushed (normally when tired) I will probably smack again but to be honest all it seems to do is make me feel bad about myself. Really Bold child - smack - sad/guilty mummy - sad/rebellious child - Really Bold child... Vicious circle. Anyone agree?

Reece · 23/06/2006 10:47

The one problem here is that many mothers can be tired/frustrated and toddlers can be the most testing little beings on the planet! Put these two together and what do you have? Wouldn't it be easy if we could all evaluate each test our little ones give us 100% of the time before we decide on what action to take?? Ha Ha. Get real.

fedda · 23/06/2006 13:49

Sounds familiar but i noticed with mine that distraction, calm voice, lookig at him with a smile which shows your love works better. Yesterday he was testing my patience and I just strocked his head which I think many of you would dissaprove. He said:'Don't stroke me' and i answered okay, I'll stroke my hand instead. Suddenly he ran uo to me, kissed me and said:'I love you, mummy.' Everything went all right after that.

NappiesGalore · 24/06/2006 10:43

nice story fedda. i like that. people, large and small, can always surprise you cant they?

i think, like scarymam says, that we should remember that children need to see us coping with strong emotions - of any description - to learn how to process their own. part of their development. that might help with any guilty feelings we may have abput 'losing it' now and then. coz frankly, guilt wont help anyone so hardly worth the bother really.

fedda · 24/06/2006 18:00

NapiesGalore, i just think we have enough of our stong emotions to show our children anyway and if we sometimes try to find a different way, it's good. Any mum gets angry with her child from time to time and i think it's a good idea to try to mininise the anger and give more positive emotions. Anyway, it's just an opinion.

FloatingOnTheMed · 24/06/2006 18:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

baystreet · 24/06/2006 21:33

I shout to releave tension. My toddler just says "don't talk to me like that Mummy I said " ! I love Super Nanny Jo Frosts advice of Dont Shout, but I am certain 99% of mums have shouted at some point !

Xena · 24/06/2006 21:39

Did someone on this thread suggest singing? I've been trying this and it really works, esp with DD1 who sings back to me and stops whining/ screaming!!

fedda · 24/06/2006 22:01

I'm glad it works for you, Xena, spmetimes it works for me but often it doesn't. He just says: 'No, mum. Stop it.'

Xena · 24/06/2006 22:02

fedda, i have a terrible voice

cheesecakelover · 24/06/2006 22:13

I do shout but then feel really bad afterwards so have to apologise and give ds big hugs, so am guessing this doesn't work anyway! Will probably give the singing thing a go when it's just me and ds in the house otherwise will feel really stupid . Could never bring myself to smack him though.

NappiesGalore · 25/06/2006 09:38

absolutely fedda, i couldnt agree more!

just speculating on the apologising thing... i too apologise if ive been out of order once i calm down but ive noticed that ds1 really doesnt like it - frowns deeply and looks kind of confused and pissed off wth me for, presumably, changing tack and being all unpredictable. so i now try not to apologise! (or at least, try to apologise for his sake; once, simply, in a light tone of voice, not mine; 'oh please forgive me and dont be damaged' tone of voice as before) and just try harder not to lose my rag. his may be just my ds1. ds2 doesnt seem bothered either way, but then he prob wasnt bothered about the shouting either - hes v laid back and happy with himself IYSWIM. anyone else

agree with many others on here its only when stress levels are high anyway that i lose it like that anyway. all the more reason why we mums need good support and understanding, i think.

fedda · 25/06/2006 17:38

NappiesGalore, it's no nice to hear from you, i think we all have good days and bad days and we try our best. We are humans and we make some mistakes but we love our children and try to make them happy as much as we can. when they groe, and it will happen quicker then we know it, they will have their own kids and suddenly they will realize that we only wanted the best for them. Yes, sometimes we were angry but we gave our hearts to them and we did everything we could and even more.

Reece · 25/06/2006 21:52

Fedda - nail on head!

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 25/06/2006 22:25

I have shouted on occasion and smacked a bottom on occasion.Now I say "I will count to 3 and smack your bottom" and my daughter stops straight away saying "no" and clutching her buttocks!I think it embarrasses her as I dont smack her hard.
Shes an angel 99.9% of time but there are times when I reach for the holy water!

Firewalker · 29/06/2006 12:35

I just had to join in this thread because all I ever read and about is how you should NEVER shout at your child - and I must admit that being on a short fuse I find it hard.

DD is just two, but some of her tantrums are unreal. I have just completely snapped and yelled "SHUT UP" at the top of my voice which works - but I feel terrible afterwards.

I decided yesterday when she started an amazing tantrum (which, by the way, she never has at nursery or so I am told) and I thought "right I'm going to keep calm and walk away" which I did. Ten minutes later it was still going on and my ears were ringing with the ear piercing screams so I'm afraid my blood pressure got to boiling point and I yelled "Will you shut up making that horrible noise, stop it" and she did stop, but then put on that "Mummy's been horrible to me look" and I felt guilty. We had a cuddle and she was fine.

Tania Bryer reckons you can scar children for life by shouting at them, but honestly, although I'd never do that in public, in the privacy of my own home or in the car I can't help it. I just explode.

it's really getting me down as I often feel a terrible mother.

CountessDracula · 29/06/2006 12:37

I try to use shouting like smacking used to be used and shout in a controlled way ie if you do that again I will shout at you

My dad shouted a LOT and I hated it so I try not to though think I am genetically programmed so to do

kittyb · 29/06/2006 20:21

havent read all this thread, but if you shout, you will end up with children who shout, because they learn that thats what to do when you feel angry. I say this as a shouter myself, although I try not to. Our 4yearold ds started speaking to his friends in a really horrible way, with a look of real anger on his face. I was mortified when I realised that is how we look to him when we shout. It is really tough, but we are the grown ups and its not fair to take it out on the kid.

NappiesGalore · 30/06/2006 15:01

oh firewalker, i know just what you mean

i am a bit depressed at the mo, so all this is a bit hard to think about. and being so low means im on a shorter fusewith them, which i then feel even more awful about. agh, cant even go there right now.

think we need to stop beating ourselves up about things we cant change (the past) and freeup some energy to put into trying to do things a little better in the future.

personally, ive got counselling starting soo and not a moment too soon. when im happy, we all are, i find.

doobydoo · 03/07/2006 10:47

I do shout.It is usually after a build up over days/weeks and then i bellow.My scary quiet voice is much more sffective tho!

suzywong · 03/07/2006 10:50

I shout and it's awful and I hate it and I 'm scared it's going to ruin my ds1's kind and sweet nature and teach ds2 to be aggressive.

I just shouted at ds1, 5, that if he ripped the page of his library book a third time he would have to take it back to the Librarian and explain what he did and spend the night in prison. Needless to say it scared him and he cried and now the enjoyment associated with the special book I reserved at the library for him is marred and it's my fault.

But I can't seem to help it

suzywong · 03/07/2006 10:54

but...I just explained to him that he needs to learn how to look after books then he can spend many hours looking at them on his own, away from little brother. And he just told me that he feels better and he loves me.

Right I shall get up off the couch now.

cataloguequeen · 03/07/2006 11:12

Suzy I completely understand...I really try not to shout but I just can't keep it in !!

my mother was a shouter and a nagger!! but I'm not as bad her she could cuss into the next day (seriously)it was like torture I would have prefered a wallop!!

when I left home for the first few weeks I would wake up in a cold sweat thinking my mum was shouting to wake me up to nag me!

agy13 · 06/01/2008 22:00

Glad to know I'm not alone. Well, not alone in losing my temper at times and shouting. Slamming doors, hiting the sofa, stamping on the floor like a 3 year old myself. I have never smacked her though. I'd rather turn the anger on something or even myself. The impulse to hit is there very deeply engrained in my genes and passed. My older sister is so affected by her own childhood her nose starts bleeding if she gets upset with my dad. She would never have children of her own. She's 42 now and lives with violent man. I have been luckier. He punched me only once and I manage to have a fantastic family. But I'm terrified that she might end up hating me like I hate my father even though unlike him, I'm trying really hard to get better, and most importantly, I'll never hit. At least I don't think so.
She's 3 and we have a great relationship but sometimes I go mad and sometimes she says...'but I'm scared of mummy' Her dad says she might be trying to get my attention, but I'm scared it's the beginning of her hatred towards me.

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