I love my 7 year old, but she is so challenging...

[Iwaswatchingthat]

Just that really....

She still has huge tantrums daily.

Today she has had two major ones.

The first was because she wanted to go in the car and we were walking. It lasted fifteen minutes with her pulling the car door, opening it, getting in, refusing to get out, being lifted out whilst screaming 'you're hurting me'. Then grabbing my hand, trying to hold onto my leg, block me as I am walking along, stop her sister holding my hand. Then lots of sorrys and 'can I have a cuddle?' Then all forgotten and a nice afternoon.

Then tonight - wanted to get back in the bath when bath time was over. That tantrum has only finished in the last half an hour. Lots of screaming and shouting. DH was doing bath so I could have some time - ha ha - some hope with her screaming 'I want mummy' for the last few hours. Then lots of coming downstairs, lots of demands (which are not given into) - brush my hair mummy, get me a drink, please tuck me in (again as already tucked in once, but she got out). Then yet again lots of sorry, please can I have a cuddle......

Basically I am worn out with it all - if she starts to have a tantrum at night then it is 'game over' for us having any evening.

I am now too stressed and fed up to sleep and I am exhausted. My shoulders are tense and my head is banging.

I feel like I am the only person amongst my friends who has a child who behaves this way. She is so gorgeous in lots of ways and gets plenty of love and attention. I have been with her all day long......

Any advice appreciated.

Bump

no real advice, but you are most definately not alone, my DD has just turned 8 and most of us mums at school have annecdotes about meltdowns, bad behaviour and attitude.

Thank you - but do you know any other seven year olds who tantrum for over three hours? Or do you think other mums don't share that info?

my DD doesn't tantrum for that long becuase we usually crumble under the pressure and give in but yes, she can be pretty full on in her temper, its scary. I would be willing to bet that other mums don't share! I think its all a part of pushing bounderies - i'd like to say it gets easier but as a parent of a 23 year old, i reckon you have another 10-12 years

I find that tiredness and hunger are major triggers for my DD in terms of tantrum. As to attitude, ive not figured that one out yet!

Ha ha - thanks!!! Funnily enough I have just posted on another thread about a whiney baby and how tough it can be. Well now my whiney baby is a whiney seven year old - so I probably would be kidding myself to think she won't be a whiney 23 year old!!! Oh joy!!!

lol well at least at 23 mine is settling down a bit and its her DP, not me, that has to put up with her strops!

I'm assuming she doesn't have SN or you would have said in OP?

What are the consequences for her tantrums? No, I don't know any other 7 yos who tantrum for 3 hours (my youngest DC has just turned 8). You don't say whether there is any sanction for her behaving in this way, which suggests that there isn't. If you get to behave badly for 3 hours and get away with it then you will continue, I'm afraid.

IMHO it is best to firmly put a stop to a tantrum before it takes a raging hold. When she demanded to get back in the bath I would have said firmly, 'Don't be silly - you are out the bath now and you are not a baby. You need to get into PJs quickly and brush your teeth or there won't be time for a story tonight'.

From your post it seems that bad behaviour and screaming got her everybody's attention until 10.30pm. That can't continue.

Tomorrow (if you are at home with her) then I would be doing boring jobs for the entire morning and expecting her to join in, eg tidying up, washing windows, whatever. No TV or anything she wants to do. And I would be saying cheerily, 'Unfortunately you spent 3 HOURS last night interrupting my evening and stopping me getting anything else done. So we will have to do it now, rather than going to the park'.

Try and make it clear that actions have consequences. She will learn - but only if it is clear that bad behaviour doesn't bring its own rewards.

Sowornout - thanks for your advice.

She does not have SN. She is very strong willed and very bright.

She was told more or less exactly what you advised when she wanted to get back in the bath - she did not get back in the bath, but continued to voice her objection to not being allowed back in! She has real staying power when it comes to tantrums.

For example when she was a toddler she would be returned to bed about thirty times without being spoken to or looked at and she would still be back for more the next night and the next night and the next night.....she would make super nanny weep.

As for sanctions - tonight she missed her story (her sister got one whilst she continued to tantrum on the landing) and each time she came downstairs her pocket money (which she is obsessed with) was taken 20p at a time from her box until she had only 10p left.

In the past she has been punished by not being allowed to go to rainbows, not going to her friend's house for tea, not going to parties/school discos, no ice cream, days out banned etc, etc. So there are sanctions - we don't give in to her tantrums, but neither does she!

Hmm...I'm not sure what else to suggest, OP. She does sound very strong willed. Perhaps try and look at it from a different angle?

What is she actually getting from these tantrums do you think? Any satisfaction at all? Or is she just incapable of budging once she's decided to tantrum? Does she regret the behaviour afterwards? (Obviously does with the amount of 'sorry' in the OP.)

What makes her eventually stop the tantrum? Just falling asleep or sheer exhaustion?

If she's bright can you sit down at a time when she's calm and suggest that she comes up with some ideas that would help her when she's having a tantrum. I am assuming she doesn't do this at school - and therefore can control herself if she chooses to.

Really, the basic answer with any form of poor behaviour is to ensure that the consequences are serious enough to act as a deterrent.

Thank you!

Her waking words first thing yesterday were "sorry about my silly behaviour last night"

She was banned from using my iPad all day - she loves the dolly dress up app, which she was really upset by, then accepted was fair punishment. I explained that the night before I had not been able to do anything I wanted to do because of her tantrum so now it was her turn to miss out.

Post nap she was lovely and we had a great day!

She was a Velcro, very whiney baby and is still a Velcro 7 year old to be honest. She wants me constantly.

At school she can control this behaviour, she got a lovely report.

She just likes to be in control all of the time.

If you offered her two options - she would come up with a third option and ask for that.

You are right though she is bright enough to have a discussion about this, but finds it hard to change her behaviour when she wants this control. Maybe a maturity thing? She only turned seven a few weeks ago.

Ps: she does not usually nap, but took herself for one as she was so tired from the night before.

Giving her a big cuddle usually stops the tantrum, though my DH gets really irritated by this as he feels it is 'giving in'.

It is hard though as she gets so worked up and quite scared I think.

She gets cuddled lots and lots during the day - as I said she is very attached to me.

This sounds very similar to our dd. Your comment about choices made me chuckle that's exactly what she would do! And I have to say most of the time I give in/ignore it as what we are arguing about really doesn't matter. The problem really comes at bedtime or when we need to go out as I can't give in.

Sowornout your reply has given me something to think about trying to look at things from a different angle perhaps stressing that compromise will happen if she becomes more flexible.

The cuddle thing doesn't happen so much but that maybe is an age thing as she's nearly 10. But she does love us I think!

anushka happy to hear it is not just us!!!

I think she may have read this thread as she has been brilliant today!!!

She sounds exactly like my 12 yr old was at her age! It is exhausting so I do sympathise.

At the time there were lots of 'Supernanny' type progs on the TV and I used to laugh hollowly at their suggestions of "the naughty step"! I never once got DD1 to stay on the step....not even for 1 second!

Your description of the options rings so true and once I had agreed to one thing she would ALWAYS, then ask for something more (she still does this actually).

I came to the conclusion that it was all attention seeking so set about a programme of 'non-engagement'. This involved not being drawn into any of these long winded attention seeking demands. Even discussing it, I realised, was effectively being drawn in because it meant giving the behaviour attention. As soon as it starts, shut down, don't engage (easy to say), just get her into bed if you can. We used to have long evenings of traipsing up and down the stairs putting her back in bed and it's important that you don't crack and get sucked into a discussion at this stage! The next day explain firmly but not in an irritated voice (if poss!!) why you will not tolerate that kind of behaviour. At the same time you have to find in some of her behaviour, something to praise (this was a struggle for us!).

It is incredibly hard work but it has worked up to a point. I think she will always be demanding, awkward and egocentric but she has definitely improved.

Good luck

greener Thank you. I must admit I have googled PDA before and much of it rang true for dd, but I need to remind myself that her behaviour is really only like this at home - she can reign it in at school which tells me it is within her control, not something beyond it iykwim. I hope you get the answers with your dd.

mopswerver You are so right about not being drawn into a chat. Dd is hugely articulate and can remember things you said and twist them and is also very funny and uses this as a tactic too. If she can make you laugh she is victorious.

I am so happy the options thing rings true for others.

Do you daughters also never seem focused on one thing - even if enjoyable.

E.g. Our dd can be on a fairground ride and before it has even stopped she will be saying 'Can I have an ice cream now? You did promise'

She races through stuff and does not seem to be able to be 'in the moment' - maybe that is just kids, but dd1 is not at all this way.

My daughter is only 9 months, so all of this to come still! But... Have you spoken to her teacher about it? I'm a teacher and have had often had parents telling me about their child having tantrums at home and asking if they're like that at school. In the majority of cases they're well behaved at school, and are mortified that their teacher now knows about their behaviour at home. We've managed to turn the situation around many times by working together, checking in with each other about how it's going and making sure the child knows we're discussing them. I know it's the holidays, so not massively helpful, but if it continues?

My dd is identical to this, and so so strong willed. Unbelievable, will never ever give in. She was also an exceptionally demanding baby and toddler.

The naughty step was a joke for us, I could never ever get her to sit on it, ever. We had 3 more before her, and none of them were any trouble really.

The one thing I found has worked ver and above anything else is rewarding good behaviour. She still wants to please ATM.

Not looking forward to the teenage years

I just think some dc are at the higher end of the normal bell shaped curve, and this is where dc like this sit. But I do know after having 3 others that normal parenting doesn't always work on these kids, so people saying "we'll what are you doing about this" don't have any inkling of what you are up against.

You have described my DD! She went through all this at 6, and having just turned 7 I think we are at the other end bloody better be, it's been complete hell She is gorgeous - a real joy to be with.

She is all about control, but also very much looking for attention. We try to keep calm, and not rise to her challenges, be consistent - I will not answer her if she is shouting at me, lots of positive praise etc.

However, DS has sensory processing disorder which is causing him problems at school. I am starting to recognise some of the same traits in DD - the difference being that she is keeping it together at school, and I suspect was coming home and falling slightly to pieces.

I am not suggesting this for you DD btw!

orangeanddemons Can you explain the bell shaped curve to me? Sorry if I am being dim.
Dd is also very keen to please and delights in praise. Hard to do sometimes though!!! If we praise dd1 she is always "and me!!!"

plus3 the sensory stuff you mentioned really clicked with me. Dd has always been terrified if loud noise, lights, fireworks etc. sensory overload does make her worse.

nenehooo She hates the thought of her teacher knowing! It would feel like a betrayal sharing it iykwim. Always a useful threat though......

The bell shaped curve is just a line which is shaped like a bell. The bell shape arises as it is a graph, and the majority of people will fall in the middle, hence this is the highest point of the curve.

Less numbers will fall on either side. So if the graph showed placid to difficult, our dd's would be at the difficult end, but across the population there wouldn't be many of them. All the more average temperaments would be in the middle.

Hope this explains it, not very well probably!

Get it thank you!

I have to say that talking to DD's teacher was incredibly helpful.
It was great when we had had a bad morning (getting dressed - socks would 'feel funny' & she couldn't possibly put her shoes on...) that I could say 'bad morning' & her teacher would understand & get dd straight onto task. She reassured me that DD wasn't behaving badly at school (knowing that DS was struggling) and she was kind to me also. She never once made me feel like a bad mother (which I did, many many times)

The sensory stuff is interesting - I think DD is highly sensitive to touch - hence the meltdowns about socks etc. Once I recognised it, we just built in more time, I could stay calm, shoes weren't hurled across the floor...you know, things just generally improved

Generally speaking, there is often something niggling them, causing them to lash out at the ones they feel safest with.

I do wish you luck!