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Original poster

I love my 7 year old, but she is so challenging...

96 replies

Iwaswatchingthat · 29/07/2013 23:07

Just that really....

She still has huge tantrums daily.

Today she has had two major ones.

The first was because she wanted to go in the car and we were walking. It lasted fifteen minutes with her pulling the car door, opening it, getting in, refusing to get out, being lifted out whilst screaming 'you're hurting me'. Then grabbing my hand, trying to hold onto my leg, block me as I am walking along, stop her sister holding my hand. Then lots of sorrys and 'can I have a cuddle?' Then all forgotten and a nice afternoon.

Then tonight - wanted to get back in the bath when bath time was over. That tantrum has only finished in the last half an hour. Lots of screaming and shouting. DH was doing bath so I could have some time - ha ha - some hope with her screaming 'I want mummy' for the last few hours. Then lots of coming downstairs, lots of demands (which are not given into) - brush my hair mummy, get me a drink, please tuck me in (again as already tucked in once, but she got out). Then yet again lots of sorry, please can I have a cuddle......

Basically I am worn out with it all - if she starts to have a tantrum at night then it is 'game over' for us having any evening.

I am now too stressed and fed up to sleep and I am exhausted. My shoulders are tense and my head is banging.

I feel like I am the only person amongst my friends who has a child who behaves this way. She is so gorgeous in lots of ways and gets plenty of love and attention. I have been with her all day long......

Any advice appreciated.

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BeCool · 01/08/2013 12:05

Wheresmy I am trying really hard not to bargain with DD1 anymore. She just mirrors it back to me!!

I've never read a parenting book before (but I do use MN as a resource) but I brought "Unconditional Parenting" and the few chapters I've read thus far do make sense as far as DD1 goes. Bargaining, threats, rewards etc just don't work with her and in fact make things much worse.

I've found rather than saying "If you do this, we can do that", saying "yes we can do X, but your crayons all need to be put away before we can" is showing signs of working for us. It removes the threat and negotiation aspect, but clearly states what needs to be done by DD. It puts the ball back into her court - into her realm of responsibility. I then ignore whining & attempts to argue. I'm not sure if this is what is recommended in UP (need to read more) but it's what I'm trying an liking. It certainly helps ME stay calm.

This 'new' way is still rather new for us, but it does seem to be effective and I feel much better about it. Certainly rewards, threats, bargaining etc are not only useless with DD1 but gives her ammunition and she mirrors it back to me.

orangeandemons · 01/08/2013 12:08

Now I feel awful. She's been lovely this morning...cuddly and nice

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 01/08/2013 12:18

See I find that no matter how I phrase it the outcome is always the same. For example the crayons , they are all over the table ergo not allowing enough space to do the painting or craft stuff she wishes to do.

There is no way of making her realise that I'm not trying to bargain with her it is literally a case of if she wants to paint we need the space. "Can you put crayons away"

"Ok, we need to make space first" "you get the paper ill sort the table" or " clear table ill get the paints ready" none of it makes her do it. She literally will spend an hour informing me of fifty reasons why the crayons can stay where they are . The same will go for if I ask her to change out of her favourite dress to paint so it doesn't get messy. She will spend the whole time telling me how careful she will be and then crying when she gets paint on it.

She does it every single time.

Cdmumof3 · 01/08/2013 12:32

I am so relieved to find this post, my 5 year old daughter has just started horrific tantrums again in the last 6 weeks. The only trigger I can suggest is being on holiday with Mum and Dad around all the time (we're teachers). So maybe her problem is too much attention!
Like you Iwaswatchingyou we try distraction, praising positive behaviour, sanctions for misbehaving etc, but it seems like when she digs her heels in about something, she is hell-bent on picking a fight. I've tried asking her when she is calm what happens inside to make her so angry, but she cannot articulate it.
To be honest, her behaviour has ruined this Summer holiday. And I can't bare it as she is normally so loving and sweet. I want my happy, kind little girl back

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 01/08/2013 12:42

I always find it worse at end Of school years It's like she can't cope without the challenge that the beginning if the year gave her. Once she's gone as far as she can she gets bored and so we look forward to the following year til it happens again about a month or so before the summer hols. And during the hols it's like she needs to fill every second of every day.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 01/08/2013 12:43

It honestly appears as if she deliberately ruins everything just so she can tell family that she didn't get to go somewhere or do something.

orangeandemons · 01/08/2013 12:46

Mine also has to have every second of every day filled. I have found Minecraft very very useful this holiday.......Grin

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 01/08/2013 12:48

Ah but does she then sabotage everything you tried to fill the day with?:o

VestandKnickers · 01/08/2013 12:53

Your DD sounds exactly like mine! She is very clever, kind, funny and I love her to bits, but she has an incredibly quick temper and when she loses it she totally loses control. She is genuinely sorry afterwards, but it keeps happening. I'm hoping it is just a phase, and she is getting better but crikey its exhausting!

orangeandemons · 01/08/2013 13:38

I try to avoid confrontations with her, but dh never learns and insists on having his say.

She really has a go at him, I'm afraid I find it very amusing to watch and have to leave the room, she is no holds barred

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 01/08/2013 13:52

Do you ever get days when they wake up clearly desperate for a fight and get angrier and angrier as the days go on when they don't get it?

orangeandemons · 01/08/2013 13:59

Yes, I also get days where the intensity of her demands is overwhelming

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 01/08/2013 14:02

Nothing's ever right is it. They can't remember that you have asked them three times to get dressed but they remember stuff to throw in your face every five mins

Original poster
Iwaswatchingthat · 01/08/2013 17:56

I am so loving this thread!!! I am sorry that you also all have demanding dds, but it has truly done me the world of good.

oranges I pmsl at hermetically sealed! My DH says that if she could find a way to crawl back in the womb she would!

They also have proper arguments - she goes really Vicky Pollard, he responds and I have to remind him he is the adult!!

DH has been off today and he has said he is totally fed up of her saying "mummy" non stop and totally demanding my attention at all times. I think I am immune to it now in some ways as I don't think she has been so bad today!!! Grin

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Original poster
Iwaswatchingthat · 01/08/2013 17:59

And yes wheresmycaffeinedrip re living the moan. My dd famously went to Disneyland Paris and commented the next day that there weren't many princesses! Shock At Disney! Home of the princess! Land of the ballgown. Fairy tale central!

Just unbelievable!

OP posts:
Original poster
Iwaswatchingthat · 01/08/2013 18:00

Loving the moan I meant - though living the moan is quite apt too - sort of like living the dream for misery guts! Wow - think I have just coined a phrase!

OP posts:
chocolatecrispies · 01/08/2013 18:22

My ds is just like this - no behavioural interventions work, they just make things worse. I treat every meltdown as a panic attack caused by anxiety, I soothe, reassure and try never to sound frustrated or angry as that makes it worse. It is possible to have PDA which is masked at school - it is also possible she is stressed about other things which come out in her tantrums. Either way stricter consequences will not help anything.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 01/08/2013 18:27

:o how is it they remember everything they ever did in such a negative way. They had run out of this or they weren't allowed to do that.

missmapp · 01/08/2013 19:13

This is ds2 to a tee- he is 5, so much more to come obviously!!! He has a fiery temper, will not be budged on any point and can scream the place down when angry ( church on Sunday was horrendous- sorry if your prayers were interrupted by screaming cries of 'Im hungrrrrrrrrrrrry' )

We too find that completely ignoring him is the best way, but sooooooooooo hard- especially if in a public place.

The ' grass is always greener' thing is so true aswell, he could be having the best time ever, but will still ask for the snack/drink you promised earlier.

His report complimented his ' excellent behaviour' , so he can control it.

Some days, I win the beh battle by ignoring, being calm and cuddling lots- other days I fail miserably.

Good to know we are not alone!!!

Allegrogirl · 01/08/2013 19:41

Another mum to challenging DD here. She's just finished Foundation and her behaviour was worse there than at home. She's sensitive to noise, mood and 89 other children rampaging around her. This has resulted in lashing out at times despite the fact she can be extremely sociable and makes friends easily. She also has trouble concentrating and fidgets unless a spider is spinning a web, beetle on her arm, 'oh look, a rainbow!!' etc. Loves art and is very imaginative. Very emotional up and down.

We've had school nurse, SENCO, meetings with teacher (who decided to tackle her head on, baaad idea). No SN identified. She is 'difficult end of normal'. She is having counseling at school to deal with her emotions and control her outbursts.

She lovely a lot of the time. Affectionate, funny, great sister and loyal friend. Love her but she's exhausting to live with. She was a very unhappy refluxy baby and a happy but headstrong bolter as a toddler. Never had terrible twos but threenager with a vengeance.

Tried 'How to Talk' and it doesn't work. Currently reading 'Raising Your Spirited Child'. Made me cry a bit. Hate the label but it totally fits. 'Playful Parenting' style really works but when I am low on energy I just shout which is water off a ducks back most of the time.

Original poster
Iwaswatchingthat · 01/08/2013 20:46

allegrogirl dd had terrible reflux too. I wonder sometimes if the whining became ingrained then.

wheresmycaffeine ha ha - my dd exactly.
Me: Did you have fun at the greatest theme park in the world?
Dd: I dropped my flake and it made me really sad.

OP posts:
orangeandemons · 01/08/2013 20:54

Aaas yes, The Spirited Child. Another worthy tome residing on my bookshelves. However that one and The Highly Sensitive Child have been the most help.

orangeandemons · 01/08/2013 20:55

Aaaaah not aaas. iPad fail again

Plus3 · 01/08/2013 21:05

(Adds The spirited child to list)

Allegrogirl · 01/08/2013 21:12

This is better than therapy. Luckily I had DD2 who is a conventional bit of tantrumming, bit of whinging normal nearly three year old. She is less complicated than DD1 and sometimes does what I ask her to, shock!!! I can now feel less like a shit failure of a mum and ignore the judgemental, lucky mums of easy children.

And the school nurse said I was a great mum doing everything I possibly can so ner to judgey pants teacher.

And relax ...