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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

two hours to get into the carseat(!)

162 replies

SocialConstruct · 03/07/2013 09:58

I got home from work at 8pm last night because it took me more than 2 hours to coax, argue, force my child into the car-seat. He is 2 and a half.
We went through persuasion, force, explanation and then finally breastfeeding him to sleep and attempting to gently put him in 3 times before he would stay.

I am no push-over but I am amazed that it took me so long to get him in as up to now he's been fine. Is this normal toddler behaviour and do I just need to resort to chocolate buttons now?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

neversaydie · 03/07/2013 16:31

When my son was about the same age, we had a similar problem. He went rigid as I lifted him into the seat. I realised that I probably could force him, but that it would make life absolutely hellish if I had to do it every time for the foreseeable future. So I had a little think, and instead of forcing him, I let him loose in the car, put a trail of jelly tots from him to the car seat and made encouraging noises. It took about half an hour that day, but from then on he quite happily climbed in himself, I did up the straps and off we went. The whole thing became a non-issue when I stopped putting him into the car seat, and let him get in for himself.

It seemed to me fairly normal that as he got more competent and independent then it was fair enough to let him take control of the things he could do. I had no problem with forcing the issue when there was no other choice (hair washing, tooth brushing and medication come to mind) but in this case a bit of flexibility worked wonders. He is a hulking 13 year old now, a good six inches taller than I am. I still occasionally have to issue reminders about personal hygiene, but he gets into the car quite happily!

BalloonSlayer · 03/07/2013 17:03

Well I did learn on a parenting course that the trick is to give choices, rather than yes/no questions, so the child finds themselves agreeing to do something without realising it.

eg:

Parent: Shall we put your coat on?
DC: Noooooo! Don't wanna wear a coat!

compare with

Parent: Do you want to put your coat on yourself or do you want me to do it?
DC: Me do it

By entering into the dialogue and answering the question, the child has agreed to put their coat on. And it gives them the feeling of control, which is what a lot of tantrums are about at that age.

so . . .

Parent: Time to go. Do you want to climb in your car seat by yourself or shall Mummy lift you in?

might work.

Luckily for me my DCs were a bit thick as toddlers and I remember saying to DS1 "Do you want to come here and put your shoes on or . . . um . . . do you want to come here and put your shoes on?" - and as luck would have it he chose to come to me and have his shoes put on as he hadn't worked out that both options were identical.

I do have to say though that the things you write about him: he'd probably nip through the gap between the front seats and start trying to drive the car and I got him a step he'd laugh at me and say 'really, mum? I have an option of getting in by myself or just wandering off?'. makes you sound really wishy-washy, like one of those parents that shrugs and says "well what can you do?" while their child trashes someone's house.

And the Is it just that I have a particularly independent child or does everyone else have placid compliant kids? made me wince. There is a third option - you have a NORMAL child whom you are letting walk all over you.

BrianTheMole · 03/07/2013 17:06

Is it just that I have a particularly independent child or does everyone else have placid compliant kids?

Ermm no. My ds is extremely hard work. If I give him an inch he will take a mile. So he doesn't get that option.

Original poster

SocialConstruct · 03/07/2013 17:17

"like one of those parents that shrugs and says "well what can you do?" while their child trashes someone's house. "

no - I don't do this.

I might let him trash his own stuff a bit but not someone else's house or stuff.

OP posts:

GwendolineMaryLacey · 03/07/2013 17:39

OK, I've skimmed so might have missed this :)

Why do you always breastfeed him before putting him in his seat? To clarify, I have no issue with the bf, feed him till he's married for all it is to do with me but it's more the always doing x, y or z before he gets into his seat. It's like me saying I always give my daughter a biscuit or play This Little Piggy before I put her in her seat. Just means that sometimes I'm not in a position to do that and she'd kick up a fuss.

And you have my sympathies, they can be little sods at that age.

notcitrus · 03/07/2013 18:22

Out of interest, as I suspect dd will be trying this shortly in a way ds never did, how do you get your knee into the child into the carseat? Do you bend over so your top half is in the car, standing in the footwell, or are most people capable of standing on one leg outside and getting the other knee into the seat?

I'm an expert at making a child get into a buggy with a knee if really necessary, but not cars.

TheSecondComing · 03/07/2013 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Davsmum · 03/07/2013 19:02

"I might let him trash his own stuff a bit but not someone else's house or stuff."
--------------

WHY do you let him trash his own stuff?!!

Do you mean mess it up or actually break it?

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 03/07/2013 19:08

Sheshelob - Oh - and as for the advocate of bum smacking: get a fucking grip. Anyone who hits a toddler to teach them a lesson is a fucking moron My grip is well got thanks. I would have no problem giving with a smack on the bottom of a tantruming 2 year old who will not get in a car seat if I couldn't cajole/bribe or manhandle them into it, it stops them in their tracks and you can get them in the car seat. A smack on the bottom is not hitting them. It is a hell of a lot better than two hours of screaming. I suggest you Get A Grip. As for your 'Brilliant logic ' - yes, because of course a tap on the bottom to get their attention is just the same as being thrown out of a car. Of course it is.

LesAnimaux · 03/07/2013 19:10

Erm...I found a fist in the stomach quite effective. Probably too violent for you, though.

But I once couldn't collect DS1 from school because DS2 kept undoing his car seat buckle, and DH and I have both failed trying to get our cat into his cat basket. How can two grown adults not cat one small cat into a cat basket?

CreatureRetorts · 03/07/2013 19:19

A smack on the bottom is not hitting them

Er yes it is. Let's not pretend now.

LesAnimaux · 03/07/2013 19:30

Would a smack on the bottom actually get a child into a car seat? Wouldn't it just make a child more angry/stiff?

Knee/fist/head in the stomach is the way to go.

OP, if you were on your way to work, what would you have done? Would you have been two hours late for work?

combinearvester · 03/07/2013 19:30

Oh I feel sorry for OP, she's never had this experience before and she admits she handled it badly.

OP he kicked off for 2 hours because he couldn't control his feelings and he was scared of his own craziness. He needed you to take control for him. e.g. 'You are getting in the carseat now. I will count to 3. If you are not in when I get to 3, I will make you get in'. Then if you get to 3 and he is not in, pick him up, hold him down with your leg/hand/whatever and click the little bugger in.

Tip for escaping straps - pull over asap. Say you are not going anywhere til he puts his arms back in. Then put your music up loud to drown out the screams. Eventually he will crack. The next time he does it do the same - he will give in much quicker. This works for my family for any kind of car misbehaviour. There is nothing more boring for a child than sitting in a car that's not going anywhere. Just make sure you have something to distract you e.g. music/book. And stop somewhere safe .

YoniBottsBumgina · 03/07/2013 19:32

Fist in the stomach sounds really violent as do knees in chests, but I know what posters mean. If you kind of pin them into place with your knee then they can't wriggle out and it gives you two hands to manhandle straps on. It doesn't mean boot them violently in the mid-area in order to wind them, it just sort of forces them into a sitting position rather than a back-arching one.

My mum once knelt on my shoulders (on a bed, so it didn't hurt) to pin me down and pulled a wobbly tooth out that I wouldn't shut up about. I screamed the street down and as soon as she touched the tooth, it fell out, didn't hurt at all. I immediately stopped screaming and said "Oh. Was that it?"

I promise you I am not scarred for life by being restrained by a parent.

LesAnimaux · 03/07/2013 19:39

My mum once knelt on my shoulders (on a bed, so it didn't hurt) to pin me down and pulled a wobbly tooth out that I wouldn't shut up about.

You're mum is hard. Very hard. I would be scarred if I did that to my child.

Original poster

SocialConstruct · 03/07/2013 20:11

No no, sorry. I always breastfeed him in the car when I pick him up from a full day at nursery. I don't breastfeed him every time we use the car seat, that would clearly be madness.

It's usual for him to want to feed when he has been in nursery all day.

Yes I mean mess his stuff up, of course. No I don't let him rampage around our house breaking things.

I don't let him go to other people's houses and randomly mess about with their stuff.

I too am interested in exactly how you get a knee into a carseat.

OP posts:

GwendolineMaryLacey · 03/07/2013 20:16

:o I was thinking every time you got into the car after sainsburys you'd feed him. I seeeee, that makes more sense.

As you were!

Original poster

SocialConstruct · 03/07/2013 20:16

And listen, I have stood at a self service queue in the supermarket with my toddler under my arm kicking and screaming as I packed and paid for my shopping, I have held my son firmly in my arms as he screamed and shouted that he wants to be let go. I am not adverse to a bit of child restraint at all. We are firm with him. I just got myself into a pickle in a new car with an extremely upset toddler while it pissed with rain outside and he screamed his head off worse than any time before.

Anyway, tonight I gave him the option of getting in Himself and promised him a chocolate finger and he was fine. Then we had a chat about what a big boy he is and how nice it is to be in the back where he can see much more stuff and he said 'look at me, i am here' and then fell asleep. Mission accomplished, thank you.

OP posts:

YoniBottsBumgina · 03/07/2013 20:24

LesAnimaux, she was a single parent and about to go on an extremely rare night out. I used to be practically phobic about my teeth and would keep them preciously still until they were hanging on by a thread. This one had been in the "thread stage" for about three days and I was dribbling, refusing to eat and unable to sleep or talk properly. She didn't want the babysitter to have to deal with it and she wasn't missing out on the night and I expect she was extremely fed up of my tooth! I only worked out the babysitter/single parent/etc issue later, she didn't explicitly tell me this at the time.

The adult tooth that replaced it is really wonky too so maybe I was wrong in letting it hang on so long. It was a particularly troublesome tooth.

As for how to get a knee in, the same way you do with a buggy on occasion when you have to. Not hard and not to hurt them, just sort of using your leg as an extra hand.

CreatureRetorts · 03/07/2013 20:28

Just give him a big cuddle then hand him something to eat, preferably fiddly so he's concentrating on that then bam, into carseat before he knows it.

Sheshelob · 03/07/2013 20:44

What else does this magical non-hitting hitting help you achieve, wired? Sleep? Meals? Bathtime? Quiet time while you practice hitting?

Were you hit, wired? And by hit I mean smacked. By which I mean hit.

LingDiLong · 03/07/2013 21:16

Oh dear Social. You've taken some stick on here - and taken it very well. It is perfectly normal to resist the car seat at that age and to pull their arms out. My 3 year old used to do it and my just turned 2 year old mindee has just started. The method I use is to put them in bum first and then put my fist in between their legs where the buckle would be to keep them there. Your arm will keep them in place. Use your free hand to grab the straps and bring them together. Wait for a brief pause in the tantruming and stiffening and quickly remove the other hand and buckle them in. Tighten the straps quickly. It might take a few attempts but it's not violent at all and usually works. Once we've got to that stage (I usually try a bit of distraction and bribery first!) I don't engage with them at all, just battle on with grim determination!

My DD used to get her arms out too and that was a nightmare. She knew she had us by the short and curlies. We just had to keep pulling over and putting her arms back in. Eventually she just stopped doing it.

TanglednotTamed · 03/07/2013 21:18

Well done OP!

And I am really shocked at the poster who is advocating smacking a 2 year old. V unpleasant.

lougle · 03/07/2013 21:41

There's an easy technique with no knees:

Loosen straps fully.

Put child in seat.

Put arms through and clip up, but don't attempt to tighten straps.

child flailing, screaming, bucking etc.

Wait until child draws breath. They have to eventually. Wait it out.

As soon as they draw breath, a quick but gentle push in the tummy with one hand, while pulling strap quickly and fully with the other.

Job done.

Takes about a minute.

My DD with SN was an absolute legend for this behaviour, but even she had to draw breath eventually.

Original poster

SocialConstruct · 03/07/2013 21:49

How do you hold them in the seat though? My ds slis down off the seat and Ito the well and with the straps totall loose he would have the space to do so.

Maybe I am just a bit rubbish at the car seat technique!

OP posts:

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