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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Behaviour/development

two hours to get into the carseat(!)

162 replies

SocialConstruct · 03/07/2013 09:58

I got home from work at 8pm last night because it took me more than 2 hours to coax, argue, force my child into the car-seat. He is 2 and a half.
We went through persuasion, force, explanation and then finally breastfeeding him to sleep and attempting to gently put him in 3 times before he would stay.

I am no push-over but I am amazed that it took me so long to get him in as up to now he's been fine. Is this normal toddler behaviour and do I just need to resort to chocolate buttons now?

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TanglednotTamed · 03/07/2013 15:18

I think it sounds an unusual situation. I have 'forced' my toddlers into the carseat occasionally, but it is pretty gentle force, just firmly putting them in, even though they're shouting 'no' and wriggling. Certainly no smacking or knees in chest or anything like that!

But it sounds like your toddler was extremely, extremely upset. Far more so than any of mine have been at going in the car, or perhaps even at anything else. Is this a one-off, or is he often this resistant to getting in? Does he get this upset about other things? Is there a problem with the car (seat wrong size/not adjusted to be comfortable, car sickness, feeling isolated in the back, glare through the window)? Has he had a frightening experience with the car before?

I am just wondering if you need to look into root causes. If your toddler is far more disturbed by getting into the car than is usual, then all of our 'just be firm' advice may not be applicable, and may even be outright damaging.

How about taking the car seat out of the car and bringing it into the house? I saw an episode of Supernanny where she did this with a child who wouldn't go in the car seat. They spent a lot of time strapping teddies in, and then getting the child to sit in it (still in the house) and gradually working up to very short journeys in the car, slowly extending them.

TanglednotTamed · 03/07/2013 15:19

Oh, and I still breastfeed my youngest (who is 2) to sleep. No quibbles from me there. I would do it to calm her down if she was hurt or unbearably upset too, though the need hasn't arisen for a long time.

SocialConstruct · 03/07/2013 15:22

"Is this a one-off, or is he often this resistant to getting in? Does he get this upset about other things?"

He is not an angry upset child but in the last couple of weeks he has been more upset about stuff. I understand this is a toddler thing - or a 'some toddlers' thing and so far we haven't had the terrible twos that everyone talks about. This last week has been one of broken routines and strangeness for him as we took him to a festival and yesterday was his first day back in nursery. I am sure this may have had an effect.

He does sometimes resist but I have always been able to jam him in one way or another, this time was different - hence me posting.

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TanglednotTamed · 03/07/2013 15:24

If you can usually 'jam him in' it's obvious you're not the weak-kneed over-liberal parent that lots of people on here think you are.

When do you next have to take him in the car? Have you got a few days respite to get back to routine and hopefully have him settle down? I would really think about trying the carseat-in-house thing. Maybe make a play car out of cardboard boxes, and make a bit thing about your DS being the driver and having to strap teddy into the seat in the back before 'setting off'?

SocialConstruct · 03/07/2013 15:27

Also - not sure if I mentioned this... up until recently he rode in the front with me in another car. My mum gave me her car (Which he is used to riding in the back of) and this was the first time I collected him from nursery in her car.

So maybe, that is why. Perhaps the whole thing is freaky for him.

He was very upset.

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kelda · 03/07/2013 15:29

So you picked him up in a different car and for the frist time expected him to sit in the back? Then that is probably why.

Don't give in though. It's far safe for a child to sit in the back then in the front.

SocialConstruct · 03/07/2013 15:30

NB ... he was in the front because it was a micra (with no airbag) and dangerous to have the seat in the back. He has been in the back of DHs car a lot and in the back of my mum's old and new car with no issues. He has been in the back of my mum's car and my DH's with me driving with no issues.

I would prefer to keep him in the back as it's safer so switching off airbag probably not worth while.

I will see what happens tonight when I pick him up from my mum's house.

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MrsBungle · 03/07/2013 15:31

Just re straps. My kids are in the kiddy infinity pro car seats. No straps to wriggle out of. Much easier to get toddlers into in my opinion.

HandMini · 03/07/2013 15:31

Social - as a general rule, I think we're all going to have one off parenting experiences like this, when a tantrum takes you by surprise and with hindsight we wish we'd handled things differently. I know I have. I'm just amazed at your patience still!

SocialConstruct · 03/07/2013 15:32

"So you picked him up in a different car and for the first time expected him to sit in the back?" well, He has sat in the back of that car before - once a week since he was ten months old.

to be honest, being in the back is non-negotiable as I am not allowed to have him in the front if the airbag is not disabled am I?

Clearly there has been a change - so does this mean 2 hours of fighting and persuasion is ok then?

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SocialConstruct · 03/07/2013 15:34

HandMini - I have surprised myself with my patience since I had DS as I am not a patient person in general. Last night I really had nowhere to go but home so it was not an issue time wise but it's not something I wish to repeat.

I think I have been a bit silly coming on here (Thank fuck I name changed!) and expecting someone to tell me it will all be ok and not to panic. Clearly I am an idiot and I need to wise up and toughen up a bit.

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Lottapianos · 03/07/2013 15:38

SocialConstruct, I am also in the 'just do it' camp but I have to say, hats off to you for taking all this criticism on the chin! It's not easy to hear people telling you you're doing something wrong and that you need to be tougher but good for you for actually listening and not flouncing.

No, 2 hours fighting with your young child is not ok and is not healthy for either of you. As other posters said, you are the adult and sometimes you have to exploit that fact! Good luck

YoniBottsBumgina · 03/07/2013 15:44

All children can get their arms out of a 5 point harness, no matter how tight they are, it's a design flaw. They can just suck their tummies in and wriggle arms out through the gap. The ones who don't just haven't figured that out yet! There's something called a 5 point plus which you can buy which just stops the gap so they can't do it. Looks great to me.

DS went through a car seat refusing stage and we told him that the car couldn't start until he was in his seat. That was enough persuasion for him - other things you can try are bribery, showing him a sweet/toy and telling him he can have it as soon as he's strapped in! Never say "If you let me do your straps up then..." because that gives them the option. Always use the language "When you get into your car seat" "As soon as I get these straps done up" etc - ie don't make it into an option. You can also give him a different choice, e.g. do you want your window open or closed?

Also I know this is a bit late but in future if you are going in a different car then tell him beforehand - it's amazing how a simple thing like this can throw toddlers and they like to know what to expect, especially if they're tired and hungry which it sounds like he was definitely tired.

If it's a forward facing car seat then you can have him in the front with an airbag but he's safer in the back.

YoniBottsBumgina · 03/07/2013 15:45

Oh or talking about what you're going to do when you get to where you're going, ie emphasising that the quicker they get in, the quicker you'll get wherever you're going.

SocialConstruct · 03/07/2013 15:47

Does this mean he is super advanced

the struggling out thing was not really the issue, though he did do it once last night after I managed to clip him in, and then spent ages flailing about which is when I (probably stupidly) got him out and fed him.

He has once got his arms out and opened the door when we were moving - I shouted really loudly and he burst into tears from the shock.

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Davsmum · 03/07/2013 15:48

I agree with those who say its non negotiable and just do it!

If a child knows there is no option and it has to be done they WILL eventually accept it.
As for bribing a child, I would never ever do that! Its not ok - It may get you out of a situation in the short term but then you find you are having to bribe them to do what they SHOULD be doing forever!

Children continue to be difficult or behave badly because they are rewarded for it! Its also bloody confusing for them to be rewarded for being a brat!
Its amazing how many mums are prepared to put up with this sort of stuff forever rather than suffer some distruption and cure it properly!

SocialConstruct · 03/07/2013 15:49

oh - I didn't know that about the forward facing seat/airbag thing - it is forward facing.

Thing is, I really want him in the back to be honest as I never really liked having him in the front.

I think I just didn't realise the impact of all the changes even though he knew granny's car was going to be our car for quite a while before we got it. Lesson learned.

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YoniBottsBumgina · 03/07/2013 15:56

There are child locks inside the back doors of all cars - make sure you put yours on! Google the model if you don't know how to do it.

Airbag still isn't great with a FF seat because the airbag will still go off right in his face rather than chest and can cause blindness from the very fine powder, but legal thinking is that a chance of blindness is better than almost certain death which would occur with a rear facing seat, so FF seats are legal to be used with an airbag but advice is to put the tallest child in the front (if for example you're carrying more children than you can fit in the back) and to push the seat as far back as possible.

Honestly I think he was just tired that day and you got the brunt of it. At 2.5, tired + unexpected change can = meltdown, and then it unwittingly turned into a long drawn out battle.

SocialConstruct · 03/07/2013 15:58

Will do - the only reason he was able to open the car door on my micra was because he was in the front and the model I had didn't have a child lock and I had stupidly left it unlocked. Scariest parenting moment of my life!

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RobotBananas · 03/07/2013 16:01

You're probablyright, it will have just been a one off tantrum because things were different and he was tired after a long day :) unexpected changes were the only thing that triggered tantrums with DS and he hardly ever had them really, so it was always a bit of a shock!

Floggingmolly · 03/07/2013 16:08

I love RobotBanana's no nonsense approach - "just fold in half and shove in seat". . Bizarrely enough, I was never physically strong enough to do that (and I'm no lightweight, sadly); a toddler who doesn't want to do something has the strength of 10 men and the wriggliness of an octopus.

rockybalboa · 03/07/2013 16:10

Force and ignore wriggling (provided he can't actually escape) and screaming. 2 hours?!? Jesus you poor thing, I'd have been forcing mine in after less than 2 mins non-compliance. Life is too short.

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BalloonSlayer · 03/07/2013 16:15

Can I ask - do you put him into the car seat yourself, ie lift him in?

When my DCs were that age I put a little step stool in a footwell in the car so they could climb in by themselves. Saved me a lot of bother.

If you are not already doing that, it could be an idea: "I've got you a special big boy step so you can get in by yourself."

agree that you MUST sort out door locks.

RobotBananas · 03/07/2013 16:25

FloggingMolly

I'm more stubborn than the average toddler - DS had no chance

SocialConstruct · 03/07/2013 16:27

yes, I pick him up and plonk him in. If I don't he would probably nip through the gap between the front seats and start trying to drive the car. Is it just that I have a particularly independent child or does everyone else have placid compliant kids?

I just feel like if I got him a step he'd laugh at me and say 'really, mum? I have an option of getting in by myself or just wandering off?'

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