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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

do your dc ever talk to you with total lack of respect and rudeness?

28 replies

losenotloose · 17/04/2013 17:49

Please tell me I'm not the only one! I'm sure it's worse when they go back to school.

Just had an argument with 7 year old ds. I said you need to learn to behave blah blah blah, he said "you need to learn to do what I say". It was said with real venom and temper. I sent him straight upstairs and told him he can come down when he drops his attitude.

Why does he think he can speak to me like this, as though I'm the child and he's the adult? He doesn't get away with it and I'm so fed up.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

BrevilleTron · 17/04/2013 17:57

He is pushing boundaries. Stay firm, calm, have sanctions for this behaviour and always follow through.
You are in control.
My DD wouldn't dare do it with me but I'm shocked at how she treats her dad sometimes.

This is not meant to be smug it took Years of me crying to my mum saying I wanted to slap her every time she was rude
Mum just said "well deprivation always worked with you"
She was right. It did. And it seems to work with DD so far but we hit 13 later this year

coxiegirl · 17/04/2013 18:03

Totally, all the time especially after school when they are tired. If I "leak" being annoyed by it they do it more! I think it's a phase - they're good all day at school and come in grumpy, I try to ignore it (by shutting myself in the kitchen with a large mars bar/ g and t/ coffee and book/ insert pleasure here). Feel for you, it's v hard not to take it personally (and I do!)

Original poster

losenotloose · 17/04/2013 18:04

That's it, I sent him upstairs because I would have done something worse otherwise! It's the way he talks to me as if he's my superior that seriously pushes my buttons. He's good at school, good when we're out, but at home his attitude can be awful.

He's the sort of child that would walk all over you if you let him. How do you punish?

OP posts:

ggirl · 17/04/2013 18:08

Does anyone else speak to you like this that he has heard?

Original poster

losenotloose · 17/04/2013 18:10

No, never. Dh is very respectful, never puts me down or tells me what to do, he's come up with this all on his own!

OP posts:

ggirl · 17/04/2013 18:12

I think you've done the right thing. He needs to learn it completely unacceptable to speak to you or any adult like that.

MrsSham · 17/04/2013 18:15

My dd 7 is doing this, I talked to her about how unpleasant it was before the Easter holidays and it improved. However its slipping back.

I told her just yesterday actually, if it did not stop I would be thinking about how to up sanctions because I'm growing tired now of pulling her up on it and sending her to the stairs or her room because it seems that every conversation we have or every time I open my mouth she has a very rude and disrespectful response to me. I explained that I will be thinking today about what the next step is and so I expect her to be thinking then about how she can improve her attitude.

The first test is getting up in the morning, if she can go tomorrow morning without a crappy attitude then I will be pleased if not then its no Ipad or gadgets for one week. She seemed to accept this when I talked to her this evening and I actually think HOW her attitude is making ME feel is also sinking in, she has been a dream and has actually reflected on her attitude.

I tend to find talking about these issues are pointless as they occur, the time my dd responds best is when she is generally calm and relaxed, before bed or chilling out, I tend to bring these things up with her then, when I'm more likely to get her better nature.

Raggydoll · 17/04/2013 18:16

I have a 9 year old ds who does this sometimes. Would love to know how to nip it in the bud when it starts as it always escalates with both of us. Also interested in sanctions (other than the standard computer device ban)

MrsSham · 17/04/2013 18:18

Another tip I do and tends to work eventually, is I do not respond to her in any way, untill she talks to me with respect, I literally ignore every request, remark, conversation. Literally do not respond untill you are spoken to in a pleasant manner. It helps you not loose your rag and makes them think about why you are not responding. When I do this dd will just go away and come back 20 mins later with a nicer tone.

Fragglewump · 17/04/2013 18:23

I hate children talking in a rude way and believe that you need to stamp down on it or the rot sets in and that horrid tone creeps into everything they say. We have agreed family rules and discussed what sanctions to use. The children between 9 and 13 agreed that they would time out in the bathroom as there's no gadgets/books in there!

fieldfare · 17/04/2013 18:52

DD (10) had got into the habit of doing this and it was driving me potty. I have banned all americanised "toot" tv and tracey beaker etc, in fact I've put a password lock on those channels! She also has to do chores, when she starts acting like an entitled princess I remind her that she is not by giving her something constructive to do - brushing the dog, tidying the bathroom, weeding the gravel in the garden etc. She's not like it with anyone else but me, and I remind her that when she tries hard I don't just love her, I actively like her too.

orangeandlemons · 17/04/2013 18:56

Watching closely here

Stop shouting at me is a favourite here

The ignoring thing just does not work with my dd. She just gets louder and louder and more insistent. It's horrible

exoticfruits · 17/04/2013 19:16

I just came down like a ton of bricks and I didn't need to go to punishment- they backtracked quickly.
However, what I would have done is sat down and explained, calmly and politely, that if I wasn't being treated by respect I would no longer be doing all that I did e.g taxi service to football training, friends etc. - they would get the basics and no more.

exoticfruits · 17/04/2013 19:17

I would have stuck to it too. Not got angry- just stated it calmly as a fact.

Original poster

losenotloose · 17/04/2013 19:23

He's not like it all the time, and he's definitely worse having just gone back to school.

I also hate children talking rudely, which is why I'm always firm about it, but it always seems to slip back in again.

There's a boy in his class who's atrociously rude to his mum, grandmother even me on occasion and I see how bad it can get if you don't stamp it out. Bloody hard work, parenting!

OP posts:

Original poster

losenotloose · 17/04/2013 19:25

That's another thing, he doesn't seem to realise how lucky he is to go to karate, trampolining, swimming, trips to museums, treats. How do you make them more grateful?

OP posts:

GoblinGranny · 17/04/2013 19:31

He is, as others have said, pushing boundaries. So you stay calm and firm, don't get into any dialogue with him and apply the sanction as a consequence of rudeness. We've had some very creative and individual ones in the past, but it's worth the bother in the long run.
Breville, my mother pointed out that the best thing about pocket money was that you could fine them.
DS was rude and horrible with his sister a few days ago, refusing to share the huge sofa and it got annoying, so I said if he couldn't share, he had to go to his room and remove himself from polite company until he had recovered a sense of proportion.
So all 6' of him lumbered up the stairs grumbling gently, and not once did he yell 'I'm an adult, sod off!'
Then half an hour later, he made coffee and apologised for being an oaf.

BeaLola · 17/04/2013 19:33

You are not alone. I so look forward to my 5.5 DS coming home & then every now and again especially after long school day I get "attitude" - tonight he had a right paddy all over desert & was very rude - upshot no desert. Its hard but I stick to my guns & am firm & it works.

The other thing that has worked well is not replying/responding until he uses polite words/pleasant manner - I tend to carry on with what I'm doing & do not respond. A couple of times when he has got very rude & screamed at me I responded calmy by saying "I don't do screaming - when you can speak to me nicely I will listen! - it works.

Thankfully he is now in bed asleep & I am just about to do ironing or have a glass of wine !

Fiddlesticks8 · 17/04/2013 19:36

Oh yes....my 5 year old frequently calls me "poo poo" when I tell her off or stop her doing something...and then she gets double the punishment. It hasn't seemed to go in yet that the disrespecting attitude gets her a bigger punishment.

BrevilleTron · 17/04/2013 19:55

Early bedtime works as a sanction.
I once misbehaved atrociously and was MORTIFIED that I was sent to bed at 6pm
Earlier than my sister who is 7.5 years younger.

Did not ever repeat the infraction

Smudging · 17/04/2013 19:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BastardDog · 17/04/2013 20:05

I turn into my mother and say in my best firm voice "I beg your pardon, who DO you think you're talking to?", then fix them with a steely glare.

When they were little they'd scuttle off hurriedly. Now they're early teens they shuffle away muttering under their breath.

3wiseguys · 17/04/2013 21:35

I find this fascinating because we're having real problems with our 3 ds. No is frequent at the moment (from them and me) and just doing what ever they felt like! it didn't matter what we took away it made no difference! The change came (unfortunately) when I fainted at work through stress (mainly from home!) and have now damaged my shoulder - they are back to being polite and helpful!! Although I wouldn't suggest it, it has worked for me . I don't think it hurts dc to remember that we are human to and when we are spoken to in that way it hurts our feelings. When I explained that to my ds (12) he was crushed that he hurt me and now is so helpful with no argument. Long may it last!!!

YoniMakesTheWorldGoAround · 17/04/2013 21:43

We come down really, really hard on this. I am slightly more tolerant in the straight after school period when DD (5) is really tired and hungry. I can usually jolly her out of it then.

Silent, hard stare works, and / or instant sanctions. Plus loads of praise when she is polite and pleasant.

Zhx3 · 17/04/2013 23:17

I need this thread tonight! DD (6) has been whinging and complaining about everything after school, forgetting her ps and qs, being mean to her siblings and generally backchatting - she has an answer to everything I say.

I let her brother have the TV choice tonight, and switched off her music on the way home. Lots of talk about how I was always saying no, never had any time for her, how everything was unfair . I kept driving the point to her - how it wasn't that she "never" got her music, but that she had had it but had lost it because of her behaviour. Lots of eye-rolling and big sighing. I hate nagging, you can see her filters going up immediately and you know she's not taking it in.

After she had begun to behave, I relented a bit and let her have 10 minutes of tv whilst the others were having their bath. It's hard work though, I felt like no-fun Mum.

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