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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Has this ever happened to you?

36 replies

peasabovesticks · 27/11/2012 21:13

Ds had a few issues with a couple of mates. Nothing physical but a lot of ignoring, some name calling etc and no sign of it blowing over. He's obviously been really upset

Went into school for a really quick chat, all very low key, not accusatory, just a 'can we get this sorted' type of thing. School have spoken to the two boys today and I've had both mothers sending me pretty unpleasant texts, saying how they're going to tell their boys to keep away from ds (they already are ignoring him so how this will change things I don't know). One mum I'm pretty friendly with, other mum thinks I'm a thick peasant despite the fact I have three degrees and am three points off a genius IQ She has gone apeshit saying I'm making false allegations.

I didn't want to cause the boys trouble, just wanted it nipping in the bud. Just wondering if this is a common response or if I've just been really unlucky!

OP posts:

Casmama · 27/11/2012 21:20

If you are friendly with at least one of the mothers then I don't understand why you didn't approach her before going to the school.

Original poster

peasabovesticks · 27/11/2012 21:22

I did and we dealt with it but the problem continued so thought a discreet word with teacher best thing to do. This was probably a mistake but I did it with best intentions.

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squeakytoy · 27/11/2012 21:23

You must know both mothers for them to have your mobile number, so why not speak to them first before taking it to the school?

squeakytoy · 27/11/2012 21:23

Ah, sorry, x-post.

How old are the boys?

Original poster

peasabovesticks · 27/11/2012 21:25

When I say we dealt with it I sould actually say we discussed it amicably.

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amy175 · 27/11/2012 21:25

unpleasant texts are never ok whatever happened. so no YANBU

Original poster

peasabovesticks · 27/11/2012 21:27

The other boy was a much lesser offender and I didn't think they'd go in hard on him. Mentioned in passing sort of thing, so I didn't see the need to.

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PurpleHeadedMountain · 27/11/2012 21:58

But but but why is peas getting criticised for going to the school? Surely it is with them to sort it given it is happening at school time? Also the idea of a neutral party dealing with it (teacher) has got to be better? I would not approach the mums first unless we were good friends.

I think you have done OK, and other mums are way out of line.

purpleroses · 27/11/2012 22:03

I'd approach the school rather than the parents, even if I knew the mothers. The teachers are much better placed to know what is actually going on, and impartial.

The mothers are completely out of line in getting involved and texting you about it. YANBU. But might be a good idea to encourage your DS to extend his circle of frinds a bit and play with some other boys.

Aspiemum2 · 27/11/2012 22:03

Their reaction is way off though, my dc's are no angels but I would be mortified by that behaviour and would never send a text like that - I'd be dragging offending dc to your house by the ear to apologise profusely and make sure it never happened again.

I do find though that there are far too many parents who can't see that their dc's are little shits aren't perfect

PurpleHeadedMountain · 27/11/2012 22:07

Exactly aspiemum.

Original poster

peasabovesticks · 27/11/2012 22:13

Thanks for that. I thought the neutral way to deal with it was via the school. The teacher was great about it and said she didn't want a child to be unhappy. She's the type of teacher who would say something if she felt I'd been in the wrong.

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Goldmandra · 27/11/2012 22:28

You did the right thing by approaching the teacher.

My DD1 was bullied for two years by a friend's DD. I raised it gently with her and several times with the school. It continued until they both moved to the next school and one day my DD retaliated.

The new head discovered the history, told my DD she would sort it and dealt swiftly and effectively with the bullying.

My 'friend' rang me and dished out a load of abuse and then never spoke to me again.

carabos · 27/11/2012 22:32

My friend's 12 yr old DS got in trouble for bullying a couple of classmates at his expensive private school. My friend was summoned to a meeting with the head of year and told about the behaviour.

Her response was to ring up the other parents and tell them that a) their child was over-reacting b) should grow a pair and c) not be so precious about being teased for being ginger because that's not bullying it's "routine". .

I was mortified on her behalf, not least because she's in the process of divorcing her H on the grounds that " he's a bully". .

Sadly it seems that parents think its ok to shoot at the innocent party ragged than support the school and the victims.

Original poster

peasabovesticks · 27/11/2012 22:33

That's awful Goldmandra. Sadly, that 's pretty similar to to ds' situation, although the timescales are different; I'd hoped I could nip it in the bud when it showed no sign of improvement.
I don't know how I'd feel if the boot was on the other foot but I would hope I wouldn't react in the aggressive manner they did. Luckily I have pretty thick skin but I hope there are no repercussions for ds

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Plomino · 27/11/2012 22:34

Absolutely you did the right thing . I am doing exactly the same thing tomorrow . DS3's life is being made a misery by a nasty little witch at school , who hides her behaviour behind the fact that Daddy is a school governer . The school can't sort it if they don't know , and the two mothers aren't there to deal with it when it's happening .

Goldmandra · 27/11/2012 22:43

carabos that is almost exactly what I was told by the 'friend' who rang me except she also told me my DD had been making up the whole thing, her DD would never dream of bullying anyone and I was a rubbish parent for not stopping my DD from causing trouble by telling lies.

Her DD's bullying behaviour has been replicated by her several times when we have come across each other on social occasions. I know exactly where her DD got it from.

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 27/11/2012 22:44

I don't know if thats a common response, I've tried to explain to a friend about her DS and his bullying, but get the boys will be boys answer.
Good for you speaking to the school, I feel sometimes like I let DS down.

Original poster

peasabovesticks · 27/11/2012 22:46

It may've been the 'right' thing to do but believe me I'm not feeling great about it. I may feel better tomorrow but I'm questioning my judgement hence me asking you lot.

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slartybartfast · 27/11/2012 22:49

i would have spoken to school as well, am sorry these mothers are reacting in this way. that might explain their ds' horrible behaviour. ignore and all will be forgetten, i bet.

3b1g · 27/11/2012 22:52

You did the right thing to approach the school. The other parents should not have texted you about this. Don't respond to the texts, but do keep a record of them just in case this escalates, although hopefully it won't.

Goldmandra · 27/11/2012 22:57

Your judgement is perfectly fine.

You have to let the school know if you're aware of any sort of bullying. It needs nipping in the bud or it could escalate. Your DS has a right to be in school without being subjected to this behaviour.

Just think, if you feel this bad about a couple of texts, how must he be feeling about the name calling and ignoring he's been putting up with. Your actions will help put a stop to it.

I think parents who get that aggressive when told their children are bullying others are probably the reason their children are bullies in the first place. If you stand up to the parents it will help your DS stand up to their sons.

Threat them with the contempt they deserve and don't be afraid to raise it if these boys start on your DS again. They need to learn that it will be jumped on.

SoleSource · 27/11/2012 22:59

No wonder her DS is a bully. Apple doesn't fall far from tbe tree. Ignore her,.forever.

Original poster

peasabovesticks · 27/11/2012 23:03

One of the mothers bullies her ds terribly, even to the point of hitting him if he doesn't get the grades she thinks he should

The other mother is well known for being aloof, rude and arrogant. She speaks to people in a highly condescending way. She said she was 'disappointed' with me. Frankly I don't give a shit.

Perhaps it's no wonder the boys act like they do.

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RyleDup · 27/11/2012 23:03

I don't know if its a common response op, as my dc are still very young, so I'm not in your place yet. But, I do think you have done the right thing by talking to the school. It sounds to me as though those mums are quite volatile. If it was my child that had been doing the bullying, I would be mortified, and be trying to work with my child, you and your son to put things right. I hope your son is ok, the school years can be so damn hard for some people.

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