I am LOSING MY FUCKING MARBLES with my charming angelic-looking delightful toddler

[QueenOfFarkingEverything]

He is just 2. He has golden curls, just like a Botticelli angel. There the resemblance ends.

He is driving me demented. He climbs. On everything. He fiddles. With everything.

I walk him daily in the woods/park like a fucking over excitable labrador. I take him to soft play weekly. He has constant access to outdoor space with a trampoline and a swing and trike and whatnot. He has a range of nice entertaining toys that get rotated weekly so they don't get boring. A kitchen cupboard has been made safe for him to empty and fiddle with the contents thereof. He has a WNAKY FUCKING BASKET

But no. Ligatures, choking hazards, poisons - those are his favouritest and bestest things. Oh, and the poor cat. Fuck the wanky basket and the trike and the duplo, lets climb on the kitchen table and wave a knife around.

We have a VERY small home. I can't make it any more toddler-proof than it already is, without banishing him to one room that has had everything removed from it and the walls padded. Everything is on shelves, which he just climbs up [scream]. We have stairgates and playpens and fireguards, which he can now climb over so are fucking pointless anyway.

He is very very verbal, so I can and do explain why he mustn't climb on everything and fiddle with everything. All the fucking time. I sound like one of those Loud Parents that the whole of Mumsnet abhors.

I think I might go a bit mad, or possibly have already done so.

Er... is this normal for toddlers? I feel like I should know, having had one before, but it was years and years ago and I am positive she was not like this, or I would never have had another!

Awwww it sounds like you're having a really tough time! Have you tried sanctioning dangerous behaviour that he knows is wrong?

Mine doesn't climb but wholeheartedly sympathise with the title of your thread! The problem with them being verbal is that they almost seem like rational human beings and so you accidentally expect them to behave as such when they are in fact demented tiny sociopaths designed to test every ounce of your patience.

at which point I ought to add that I love my two dearly of course, but I am just waiting for them to fall asleep, my voice is hoarse from shrieking "no!" "stop!" all day long and my shoulders are in agony from picking wailing children out of other people's way and I can not wait for the moment they are quiet that I can go downstairs and watch GBBO on iplayer and have a cup of tea...

So sorry, seem to have veered swiftly from sympathising to ranting. And I have no idea what to do about persistent climbing... My usual tactics with any bad/mad behaviour are to repeat 'we don't do x' or 'I wont let you do x' whilst removing/obstructing toddler from said behaviour. In some cases I move onto 'well if you are going to do that, we can't do this so I will ahve to...', e.g. if you won't put your shoes on I can't let you walk so I will have to manhandle you into pushvhair and let you tantrum there....

Can you shut him in a safe area? And say 'if you can't play in here without climbing up the shelves I have to put you here' each time? Outside where you can see or in a highchair or something strapped down for a bit maybe if you need to just get somethign done?

Anyways hope yours is in bed too now and you can relax a bit!

I'm gonna say it though...

This too shall pass.....

Yes. Normal. But I laughed out loud at the thread title. I bet he's gorgeous when he's asleep.

Just distract. For the next ooo, two years? That should see you through.

Poor OP - yes this is normal for some toddlers. My third was my argumentative climber. I love everything you're already doing. We take our now 5yr old for what dh terms 'puppy exercise' too. It does help. Is there a climbing wall anywhere near you? Or some rocks. I think you've got a risk taker there and it might help if you channel that appropriately. What about swimming? Does he like that?
I would take the stiargates etc away. They now serve no purpose and just clutter your home. Anything poisonous needs locking up and try and reduce the ligature risk - check your blind cords. They need to be the sort that will break easily and/or be looped up beyond his possible reach.

playpen. I had to fence off half my living room when dd came along.

'demented tiny sociopaths' - DP is nodding over my shoulder at that

The stairgates aren't on the stairs btw - he can do stairs just fine and dandy. They are on my 9yo DD's room so he can't get in there and trash play with her stuff, and on the bathroom door to stop him flushing things down the loo. He can open normal doors [sigh]

He'd probably love swimming. I will have to undertake a major self deforestation exercise and give that a try.

Oh and McLurkin - rant away. Please. I feel better knowing I am Not Alone

Sometimes reality must be their teacher :) I personally think soft play areas simply make them overestimate their own bounceability so they have zero concept of how much plunging off the kitchen table will hurt. On the plus side, once he's done it once, he'll likely not want to repeat the experience.

Unfortunately I think a lot of boys are like this; tanking through life and all ongoing obstacles as if they are an off-road vehicle.

I'd say buy him a crash hat and make sure you know the fastest route to casualty :)

Alternatively climb into the play pen yourself, plug your ears and pour a glass of vino!

You can put bolts on the outside of the doors you want to keep him out of. High up so even if he stands on a chair he can't reach. Just don't bolt people in to the loo etc!

Good luck with the strimmer I usually get to the pool and realise my underarms are very continental

We had a big gap between ours as well and the babydan fence was needed in all seriousness to stop the toddler scarfing ds' small lego etc.

She did used to sit at it with her hands on the bars with a look on her face like Puss in Boots though. Staring through at the promised land with all it's choking hazards and climbing frames disguised as bookcases.

Sounds normal to me. At that age DS was a bit like an overexcited spaniel - if I didn't offer him so much exercise that this little legs would carry him no futher, he just bounced off the walls. In the end everthing dangerous went in the kitchen, but he didn't unless one of us was there with him (stairgate in doorway was v helpful, until he worked out how to open it).

@ "...demented tiny sociopaths designed to test every ounce of your patience." Hilarious and so true.

I have no words of wisdom for you, sorry. DS3 is 2 and is not always affectionately known as The Phantom Menace, the only thing I can say is that you sound like you're doing all the right things re exercise and toddler proofing. It does get better once they're at nursery/school - just a couple of years to go then .

This is normal for many toddlers most of them boys

have you got a carseat?

With ds1, who is clinically hyperactive and was non-verbal until 3, I used to clip him into his car seat for 15 minutes twice a day, with pingu on the tv. This meant that at least twice a day, I could eat something, drink something and go to the toilet.

I have complete empathy, I was also in a small home. Try not to actually murder him xx

OP, something to cheer you up, I hope.

Yes it is normal, I am a mum of two boys and made it through by making the oldest take a 2hour nap every afternoon until he was 4, and with the younger one he was crated in a playpen for at least one hour a day (he would not nap).

I remember arriving in the UK and taking my 23 month old to play group to ask if he could join in, but he was too young, and I sobbed all the way home.

It gets better, keep him active and then plonk him in front f the telly for a bit.

You have a lot of good stuff to look forward to, as boys are great fun and very loving imo.

And, in all seriousness, play fetch with him in a big field.

What you do it, you treat him EXACTLY like a dog. Get a bag of little tiny chocolate pieces, throw the ball, make him fetch the ball, reward with chocolate piece. Continue until he sits down on the grass and doesn't want to get up again.

Don't give him chocolate at any other time, make this a special thing that has to be run for!

Oh, and yes about casualty, do a test drive.

Have been there 3 times in the last 10 years, and that is about normal I think.

Currently have one with a cast on. The off road vehicle comparison is spot on!

My middle child was like this. She was an embarrassment, I didn't take her to anyone other than family's houses for about a year because she was a one person demolition crew. Extremely verbal, physical and a climber. Precocious.

She is now a still quite highly strung 4 year old and appears pretty normal most of the time . She is VERY bright though and still quite extraordinary. Her sister (2) is nothing like her, calm, placid and well...average.

Colditz

No help, but great thread title, OP

I'm with colditz here, I just never thought of doing it myself .

His first little bike was wonderful, all we needed to do was find a park/ National Trust place/ decent quiet footpath and he trundled along happily for hours while we walked alongside, falling into a little happy contented heap at home. We still do this aged 4, but have expanded the repertoire to include football and swimming. I even asked around for a kids footie team, but they won't take them here until they are in school.

Oh jeez I needed this thread today. Went to a friends to meet up with a lot of mothers I don't know who either have 3yps who play nicely or babies who don't move. My verbal, physical, climbing, interested in everything especially fragile babies 18mo was an embarassment.

At home I just grit my teeth, play wrestle the forbidden object and let him tantrum. At other people's with china and patisserie forks that ain't an option!

And they all think he's at least 2,5 and expect him to behave like it aka sot nicely with the girls who are drawing pictures. Hahahahahaha.

I can't wait til their babies grow but it's probably just mine that needs a full risk assessment and liability insurance before I let him out of bed in the morning. Because he can climb out the freaking cot so that isn't even an option.

It does pass eventually At that age I described my DS as like a Tazmanian Devil on speed! He's 8yo now and he is much calmer and his actions match his placid personality.

He still was never a child who 'got' something was dangerous until he experienced that it hurt. A few trips to A&E later he no longer runs full speed under things (glued scalp), jumps off objects (cut open mouth and removed tooth) or climbs up things to get what he wants (glued chin)

colditz Although my DS thought chocolate buttons could only be eaten if you were sat in a pushchair and could only be given 1 at a time over the space of half an hour!