I am LOSING MY FUCKING MARBLES with my charming angelic-looking delightful toddler

[QueenOfFarkingEverything]

He is just 2. He has golden curls, just like a Botticelli angel. There the resemblance ends.

He is driving me demented. He climbs. On everything. He fiddles. With everything.

I walk him daily in the woods/park like a fucking over excitable labrador. I take him to soft play weekly. He has constant access to outdoor space with a trampoline and a swing and trike and whatnot. He has a range of nice entertaining toys that get rotated weekly so they don't get boring. A kitchen cupboard has been made safe for him to empty and fiddle with the contents thereof. He has a WNAKY FUCKING BASKET

But no. Ligatures, choking hazards, poisons - those are his favouritest and bestest things. Oh, and the poor cat. Fuck the wanky basket and the trike and the duplo, lets climb on the kitchen table and wave a knife around.

We have a VERY small home. I can't make it any more toddler-proof than it already is, without banishing him to one room that has had everything removed from it and the walls padded. Everything is on shelves, which he just climbs up [scream]. We have stairgates and playpens and fireguards, which he can now climb over so are fucking pointless anyway.

He is very very verbal, so I can and do explain why he mustn't climb on everything and fiddle with everything. All the fucking time. I sound like one of those Loud Parents that the whole of Mumsnet abhors.

I think I might go a bit mad, or possibly have already done so.

Er... is this normal for toddlers? I feel like I should know, having had one before, but it was years and years ago and I am positive she was not like this, or I would never have had another!

OMG I LOVE Colditz's idea. So going to try this with my 2.3 year old (who has just dropped his motherfucking nap so is grumpy as hell half the day, every day).

He doesn't nap. I wish he did. Maybe a few sessions of playing fetch will cure this though [hopeful]

He will however watch cbeebies. It is the only thing standing between me and alcoholism at the moment.

The comments about A&E are making me nervous as the nearest one is 25 miles away

My ds2 was like this (he is still a very, erm, exuberant child now he is 6). Swimming is a fab idea - we used to go 2 or 3 times a week when he was 3 ish. Also get a balance bike so he can zoom to his heart's content!

Don't worry too much about A&E. We've only been three times with ds...

Colditz my DH who is stay at home dad to a very lively 3 year old had just declared that all other childcare experts can fuck off - you are the queen! . He is off to try out toddler 'fetch' tomorrow!

LOL LOL LOL.....

this is the funniest thread I've ever read!! very well written and loving the fetch idea haha!! I feel sorry for you I really do but I can't stop laughing, dp is wondering what is so humorous on my phone( going to let him read this!) I have a 17month old dd, she doesn't climb or fiddle with things, instead she puts full on tooth marks in all my furniture!! having a puppy would have been easier sometimes I think!! pregnant now with a boy.... god help me if your son's climbing and fiddling is a 'boy' thing :)

You are not alone. I am also blessed with an angelic cherub, just hit 2, who is an absolute nutball. She can either be found barging her way through the local toddler group on a scooter at high speed or thrashing her legs and screaming at... well just about anything. In between, she likes to throw things, hit things, break things, rip things, stab things and paint things... the walls, her toys, the table, the chairs, herself. Deep breaths.........

It will pass, and when she is older she will probably find some other way to torment me. Its just kids, gotta love em!

Had to post on this thread because we have a LO like this at preschool.

He has just turned 2 and is absolutely gorgeous and adorable.

But...

He watches us [the adults] to see if we are watching him and goes on missions to either damage himself, flood the bathroom, or empty out every available toy box.

I am very fond of him but it will be a miracle if we get through the year without going nuts

Does anyone remember Flame's DS who could climb over 2 stair gates one on top of the other?

My youngest can't stop fiddling with things... but at least he doesn't climb!

You ladies are making me giggle...I have a 21 mo who I think is going this way. She's definitely getting more boisterous.

We took her to soft play for the first time last week and since then she keeps trying to throw herself off everything...obviously assuming we have a soft bouncy floor

My DD just didn't do this kinda shit! She used to play nicely and have teddy tea parties and snuggle up with her blankie when she was tired...

I thought I Knew It All about toddlers until DS turned into one

Send him to a childminder I sometimes leave mine there for a little bit longer than necessary and she can tire him out for you.

Seriously, I feel your pain. Mine likes breaking stuff and escaping and hitting his siblings. He has broken the laptop, the flatscreen tv (to the point it needed replacing) and the central heating (requiring a complete system drain and some new welding). He once escaped through a stair gate and the front door into the road and was brought back by a man who had found him wandering down the street and seen our open door. Seriously, he knocked and shouted 'Is this yours?'

On the upside he learned to wink yesterday, so I like him again. Focus on the positives.

Ds1 was a fidget and a climber but not too bad. Ds2 however. Dear god where do I start? Big blue eyes so looks angelic. He is not. He is now, just, 22 mo and can climb anything and everything, swing from bars (the bike racks at ds1's school), climb up high in soft play, loves jumping in at the swimming pool, running everywhere, standing in the dining table and shouting, escaping from his bedroom (now baby gated), doing as much as he can for himself, flushing stuff down the loo, throwing with deadly accuracy (DH swears he has signed him up for Lancashire) and everyone but everyone thinks he is over two and should be behaving better. He is known at school as the kamikaze kid and at parents assembly every week is to be found sitting with his big brother. He's bloody brilliant, but oh so exhausting.

My DD (3yo) is very sensible, physically cautious but very verbal and strong-willed. DS (20mths), on the other hand, is going to be like your DS. He spends his days tearing about, climbing and being a bulldozer. He is just starting to speak and two of his first words were 'door' and 'out'. I am making notes for when he's 2.5 and a whole year stronger and braver!

I used to have two of them at the same time (boy twins). You can imagine the fun I had and the visits to A&E. Tumbletots was quite good for them (helping them learn some rules as well as getting them to climb safely). When they were about 2.5 they got the fear and the climbing calmed down a bit.

My 14 month old DD has spent the afternoon demanding to stand on the table and look at herself dressed in a spiderman mask, before doing a bolt down the school corridor at pick up time.

oh I have SO been through this... DD was a tad 'diva' like in her toddlerdom, she could have a 30 min screaming tantrum over nothing, no problem... she could also however, sit and play .... colour, watch a program, do something for more than 5 mins!

DS... is a climber - he is now nearly 3 and I have finally managed to instil some beginnings of sense into him, saying that the other day he felt the need to climb up onto his sisters cabin bed (with 4 drawers underneath) via the nobbly drawer handles.... sigh

oh forgot to mention, DS is werd

he does dangerous things perfectly safely... at just 2 he could climb a 6 foot vertical rope ladder with no help (just an insane daddy ready to catch) but he can and has hurt himself by:
1 - standing still.... he fell over without moving into the corner of a concrete step
2 - sitting still .... too busy fidgetting to eat at a picnic and fell off the side of the picnic bench
3 - sleeping .... fuck knows what he was doing but managed to smack his head into the wall blinking hard!

The stair gates and climbing reminds me of DS when he was 2yo. He had one on his bedroom door. I thought at least he couldn't get out in the morning unnoticed and cause damage mischief.

Boy was I wrong - all he did was work out if you start with the biggest toy box, then the next biggest etc you could build steps to get up and over.

Have you stolen my ds? I thank every God going for cbeebies and Disney cars!

So far today, he has eaten a crayon, a piece of paper, paint and a piece of happyland rocket. He's also fond of a bit of toast.

I took him to a pottery painting place today, he painted me, my phone and a teapot. Then he demanded my lunch. He follows me to the loo, and SITS on it with me. This was my attempt to introduce Mr Toilet to him.

I love him, but he the duracell bunny on acid at a speed party.

I have your DS's female Botticelli counterpart. Blonde ringlets, huge blue eyes, the lot.

She is two next month, and I have aged ten years since she was born.

She is an astonishing climber, and unerringly finds the most dangerous item in any room and makes a beeline for it. She screams, she whines, she wakes several times a night.

My DS (now five) was a bit of an angel child, so I was TOTALLY unprepared for this.

I am not having any more children.

Oh no.

Op, if your ds is not called Damien then don't worry , he'll grow out of it !

Oh god, I have one of those. He is 7 now. Drove his teacher to her wits end last year! He will listen to people on HIS terms and she was not one of the chosen ones.

As he has got older, it has been more apparent that he is actually quite bright, easily bored, and has uncontrollable urges to touch things and WILL do it regardless of what I say. He also has somewhat OCD tendencies.

Physical wearing him out has NEVER worked. Though I think it probably helped my sanity a bit. Yesterday after school he spent an hour doing cross country, an hour at beavers, then got dragged around costco for an hour and was still full of beans at 9!

As a child, he drank my perfume, ate heart tablets, and jumped out of a first floor window. I ended up putting two stairgates on his bedroom one above the other for safety at nighttime.

It does get easier as he gets older, he is mostly have a little more sense. I reckon you have a long way to go yet though

One major problem is that when he gets tired, he gets worse. Lots worse. He gets faster and faster and louder and louder and lurches round the room banging his head on everything and nothing will stop him except bedtime. Naps are a big fat fail - he climbs out of the cot. He might deign to drop off in the car but the current price of diesel would make every attempted nap cost me about a fiver!

I feel like every DS-year is putting 7 years on me. Like dog years, but for mothers of bonkers toddlers.

It will pass. I opened your thread as the thread title took me straight back to ds' toddlerhood.It was relentless. I was more tired with him from the age of 18 months - 3.
Just when he was getting a little calmer and I felt I could relax a little I was chatting at a friend's house. 'I really feel we're coming out of the woods...'
He ran past with his hair on fire.
He's 12 now, bright thoughtful and absolutely gorgeous.

DS is 13 months old and oh sweet blooming flying moses it's a nightmare.

DD was a biddable, gentle, easy child who would play nicely and enjoyed tidying up and wiping things over with a cloth.

DS started running at 9 months. He climbs. If there's nothing to climb, he piles things until there's a climbing wall. He wants the scissors, the drill, knives and any sort of choking hazard. He does not like toys at all. The wnaky basket is okay. For climbing on.

The one positive is that I weigh NOTHING. This is because he still bfs LOTS to sustain this madness and also because I cannot sit down for a second. I have to pick him up or pull him down or move him away. He is currently tearing round the dining room with a stick and the hairdryer, shouting 'GOOOOOO MIAOW BOY' and 'MEEEEEEE CAT'. He is banging the stick on the hairdryer and then banging the hairdryer on the table. And shrieking. In a minute I'll put him in the bath and try and stop him climbing onto the tap/drinking out of the hot tap/doing the balance beam along the edge of the bath, then he'll streak naked across the bathroom yelling 'WIIIILLLLLLYYYYYY' while I try and attach a nappy and pyjamas to his slippery, nude form. He will then remove his pyjamas and nappy and charge up the stairs to empty everything out of our room into his sister's room. And on and on and on and on and bloody on...

I need a new smiley to reflect my permanent expression ie 'wtf just happened?'