I am LOSING MY FUCKING MARBLES with my charming angelic-looking delightful toddler

[QueenOfFarkingEverything]

He is just 2. He has golden curls, just like a Botticelli angel. There the resemblance ends.

He is driving me demented. He climbs. On everything. He fiddles. With everything.

I walk him daily in the woods/park like a fucking over excitable labrador. I take him to soft play weekly. He has constant access to outdoor space with a trampoline and a swing and trike and whatnot. He has a range of nice entertaining toys that get rotated weekly so they don't get boring. A kitchen cupboard has been made safe for him to empty and fiddle with the contents thereof. He has a WNAKY FUCKING BASKET

But no. Ligatures, choking hazards, poisons - those are his favouritest and bestest things. Oh, and the poor cat. Fuck the wanky basket and the trike and the duplo, lets climb on the kitchen table and wave a knife around.

We have a VERY small home. I can't make it any more toddler-proof than it already is, without banishing him to one room that has had everything removed from it and the walls padded. Everything is on shelves, which he just climbs up [scream]. We have stairgates and playpens and fireguards, which he can now climb over so are fucking pointless anyway.

He is very very verbal, so I can and do explain why he mustn't climb on everything and fiddle with everything. All the fucking time. I sound like one of those Loud Parents that the whole of Mumsnet abhors.

I think I might go a bit mad, or possibly have already done so.

Er... is this normal for toddlers? I feel like I should know, having had one before, but it was years and years ago and I am positive she was not like this, or I would never have had another!

someone seriously suggested to me that speaking to dd in 'toddler-ease' might help. Apparently, parroting their tone of voice helps them to understand that its just as important to me that they get in their car seat as they feel it is to use the back seats as a trampoline. So apparently I have to stand there shouting 'me want sit down' at the top of my lungs... errrr no!

I think that may be the final straw in convincing everyone that I have in fact gone totally bonkers

notnowbernard I find that the judo training I had when younger comes in handy when trying to pin down small children.....

Me again.

Ds2 is 22mo and has a new trick today. Putting his fingers in his ears whilst saying nonononononono. .(weeps in corner)

I am weeping with laughter at this thread (and I might have nominated it for classics).

DS, who will be 2 in 3 days time, has the stamina of an ox. He's basically a one man entropy machine. It's like living with a small tornado.

I took him swimming on tuesday. We spent 30 minutes running round the outside of the pool shouting 'splash' and 'swim'. Then we spent 20 minutes in the shallow end with him clinging to me like a bush baby and climbing up onto my neck yelling 'wet' at full volume. Just when I thought he might have had enough, he threw himself out of my arms and started kicking (and drowning). We then spent 20 minutes doing laps, where he consented to be held in the middle and thrash around like a harpooned seal. After an extremely vocal exit from the water, we had the excitement of getting changed.

It was like a weird reverse Benny Hill sketch, with me frantically trying to get dressed while chasing a butt naked toddler round the changing rooms.

He looked at me with his huge brown eyes this evening and said 'swimming?' with a winning smile. [shudder]

It's not a boy thing! I have a DD 2.4 JUST like this. And have also had 2 DSs like it too.

3DCs and not a single placid, sit-down-and-colour one amongst them!

DS2 will now at 5 engage himself quite nicely with a 'project' like colouring or making things but he and DS1 7 still spend a huge amount of the time just CRASHING around the house.

DH and I are really lazy laid back so I don't know where they get it from MIL

Hilarious

Queen you were just one of those 'normal' mums with a 'normal' child first time round, clearly! I used to chat to others mums with 'normal' children and they would talk about how hard being a Mum was, let me tell you they had no fucking idea! My ds1 was that 'spirited' child. It's hard work, it's not the same for everyone and whatever you need to do to get through the day do it. I found things eased after 3 years old but now at 5 and two broken arms and a knocked out front tooth later (not by my hand) things are better and my best friend is Gordons.

Ds2 is 'normal'. We went to the supermarket together the other day and, well, nothing happened. Unbloodybelievable! It was then that I realised how traumatised I am and that maybe I can let go of the fear now. I still wouldn't take ds1 to the supermarket.

Ah, the buggy struggles. Today I found myself telling DS that if he didn't stop fighting he would have to have the seat fully reclined like a baby. He's 15 months. I don't think he understood.

Just to add a note of caution for those contemplating balance bikes or trikes as a method of toddler exhaustion, they can be ridden down steps. Into canals. And down slopes, smack into brick walls. And off walls. And a really determined toddler can fit one into an oven.

And they are death to welly boots (last pair lasted 2 weeks).

My middle one is like that too. Apart from climbing, he's too clumsy for that thank god.

I was that mother at toddler group, in fact he still has a scar from one incident involving him running in circles full tilt til he did tilt and encountered a table with his face on the way down.

He's six and still the same. In the time between him walking out the school gate abd dd ambling the same distance he's climbed the wall and is running in circles round a field every goddamn day. He came our of school with a note and an lump in the middle of his forehead today as he'd crashed into the other maniac exuberant child in the yard.

He's very lovable though when I'm not on the verge of murdering him

Can't decide now whether I am more feeling grateful that dd is not quite as terrible a two as I sometimes think, or more terrified that I have another toddlerhood starting in about a year (and dp is hellbent on a 3rd...)

Have not laughed out loud so much in ages though. Some absolute gems...

"Oh lord yes. Putting things round their necks. This. Always this. Rope type things, hairbands, cords, tape measures, belts. Anything. Round his neck. And he genuinely is never happier than when he has a dangerous implement in each hand, a questionable item such as a fork between his teeth (think dog with a bone) and is able to run at top speed over questionable terrain. He's a little weirdo."

This. Oh this.

We have just discovered jumping. Jump. Jump. Jump up and down in the bath. Jump on the bed, boing boing boing thunk climb repeat. Jump off the step. Stand there with winning smile and then suddenly say 'jump' and doing it. Climb up the stairs 3 steps, because we can undo the stairgate and call for mummy. When mummy arrives jump up and down on the spot giving her a heart attack and laughing.

Ha ha ha - I have a Labrador - gets up at 6am and needs physical activities until 8pm. He's a boy too - I call every day "athletics" - just got through a pregnancy running after him like that - it was exhausting!

ds2 woke at 5.30am this morning howling (after not sleeping the night before and no nap). He wouldn't go back to sleep and spent the next hour sitting upright on me in bed "singing". I am now severely sleep deprived and his batteries seem to be at full again. Oh joy for my day ahead. The stuggle to get him in the pushchair. The screaming tantrum on the walk to ds1 school. Please pass me some very strong drugs valium!

Whoever asked how long it lasts - DS1 was pretty similar and he is now six. And still pretty similar. TA said to me in the playground yesterday 'Your DS has many strong points.....lining up is not one of them' as he tackled his friend to the floor and screamed 'Ruuuuuggggggbbbbyyyyy!'

I'd pay good money to the woman/man/child who could get ds into a pushchair. He never, ever goes in one, in fact we don't own one in the same way that we don't own stairgates or cupboard locks. They are not fit for purpose chez Stumps.

He is wrestled into the sling if we have to go a long distance, otherwise he runs in roughly the right direction while I run behind panicking about whether he's about to run in the road/knock out his teeth/bash his head/change direction/stop abruptly/chase a passing bird/twirl round/climb a wall. And whilst in the sling he either uses his finger as a fish hook (eye, mouth, nose, he doesn't mind the target), braces himself against my thighs/hips in an attempt to launch himself out, throws himself backwards with the same aim or restyles my hair in world record time.

i currently call my ds2 ...........chucky. (sobs)

I have a 17mo DS and a just turned 3 DD, they are fucking tag-teaming me.

DS took his nappy off and flung poo all over the bedroom, whilst I was sorting that out, DD did a poo in "the big girl toilet" put what must have been an entire loo roll down it and flushed and flushed and flushed.
Shitty water and bits of loo roll all over the bathroom.
Great.

While I was cleaning that up DS decided that it would be a great game to empty ALL the clean clothes out of their chest of drawers and wardrobe.

I give in. I have put the Disney channel on, gave them a plate of food and I am now lounging on the sofa MNing.

Issima, YouTube is your friend :)

Issima - put iPlayer on but and this is the important bit watch in pop up so you can still MN.

My just-3yo dd2 is like this. She could climb before she could walk and had been to A&E twice by the time she was 14 months old. I was lulled into a false sense of security by placid and biddable dd1, another child who would obviously be exactly the same seemed like a great idea at the time .

The problem with them being verbal is that they almost seem like rational human beings and so you accidentally expect them to behave as such when they are in fact demented tiny sociopaths designed to test every ounce of your patience

YES YES YES

She is incredibly verbal, people comment about how good her speech is as she talks quite clearly in complicated long sentences. I just roll my eyes smile and say Yes, the trick is to get her to stfu thanks, yes she's a good little talker isn't she?

I think this has a lot to do with it as I try and reason with her and forget sometimes that she's too young to understand the finer points of health and safety. Half the time she just fucking ignores me anyway.

TV works. It's the only thing she'll sit quietly in front of. I suspect we may watch a wee bit too much telly chez Feet.

I allow her to do a circuit of the magazine rack and sofa arm which stops her from climbing up everything else. Sometimes. Occasionally.

What do those of you whose dc won't watch tv do to restrain stimulate them whilst you do some housework etc?

My DS went through a phase for about 9-12 months.
He started by learning to dive over the edge of his cot (cue replacing it with a toddler bed asap).
We then had 3 visits to A&E with various head injuries over a 5 month period (including a ambulance from DDs school).

He started to improve once he turned 3.5yo.

He's been at school full time since September. My DM said only yesterday that I am looking much smilier .

Give him a dustpan and brush. He quite likes doing that. Never ever let him get hold of the vacuum cleaner. He waves the long bit like some kind of weapon, sweeping books off shelves and pictures off the wall.

And for the rest of the time - don't do any housework at all.