I am LOSING MY FUCKING MARBLES with my charming angelic-looking delightful toddler

[QueenOfFarkingEverything]

He is just 2. He has golden curls, just like a Botticelli angel. There the resemblance ends.

He is driving me demented. He climbs. On everything. He fiddles. With everything.

I walk him daily in the woods/park like a fucking over excitable labrador. I take him to soft play weekly. He has constant access to outdoor space with a trampoline and a swing and trike and whatnot. He has a range of nice entertaining toys that get rotated weekly so they don't get boring. A kitchen cupboard has been made safe for him to empty and fiddle with the contents thereof. He has a WNAKY FUCKING BASKET

But no. Ligatures, choking hazards, poisons - those are his favouritest and bestest things. Oh, and the poor cat. Fuck the wanky basket and the trike and the duplo, lets climb on the kitchen table and wave a knife around.

We have a VERY small home. I can't make it any more toddler-proof than it already is, without banishing him to one room that has had everything removed from it and the walls padded. Everything is on shelves, which he just climbs up [scream]. We have stairgates and playpens and fireguards, which he can now climb over so are fucking pointless anyway.

He is very very verbal, so I can and do explain why he mustn't climb on everything and fiddle with everything. All the fucking time. I sound like one of those Loud Parents that the whole of Mumsnet abhors.

I think I might go a bit mad, or possibly have already done so.

Er... is this normal for toddlers? I feel like I should know, having had one before, but it was years and years ago and I am positive she was not like this, or I would never have had another!

[ShowOfBloodyStumps]

Genuine ROAR at 'hair on fire'.

[joanofarchitrave]

'3yos who play nicely or babies who don't move'

Presumably you have to sign up for one of these early in pregnancy like an NCT class. I didn't. Most of the people I am still friends with didn't either.

Have you tried tying things to him? Ds liked to drag things around with him. It slowed him down for a bit, though of course there was additional collateral damage.

[MainlyMaynie]

I also really laughed at the hair on fire.

Mine likes to assess the length of things by seeing how well they fit round his neck.

[youarewinning]

My DS also used to get madder when tired! Someone suggested trying lavender fabric softener for bedding and in the bath before bed as its calming! OK, great, how do I keep him there for nap and how do I keep him calm throughout the day?! I did resort to pushchair and walking when he was overtired and he would sleep for 3-4 hours on these days and still sleep properly at night

DS was also a cot escaper - from 14 months so I put him in a bed then. He generally did stay there as there was no 'escaping challenge' to be had! (except the stairgates - see above!) I also found having the radio playing kept him there as he seemed to like the noise of voices.

Also ROFL at "hair on fire"

[AnotherCerealNameChanger]

My DD 2.3 is like this. Always always on the go. Climbs crazy heights, bounces, jumps, runs, throws, never stops.

Luckily as yet she hasn't figured the Stairgate but she can turn on the gas cooker and frequently helps herself time food from the fridge.

[QueenOfFarkingEverything]

Ah ShowOfWotsits, that feeling when you realise your first baby DUPED YOU into thinking parenting was easy!

Also roaring at 'hair on fire'

DS managed to get a pair of my tights off the washing rack and tie them round his neck ('I a dog with mine dog lead on') the other day.... no matter how hard I try to keep the place safe, he just FINDS STUFF to do himself damage with. It's exhausting.

[youarewinning]

Ah the role play dangers!!!

The trick here is to make them role play stuff. My dog leads were an old shoe string sports bag with an old dressing gown tie as the lead bit which could be stored inside the bag. You then 'walk the dog' and play toddler fetch! wearing them out in the process and ignoring the looks from passers by!

[QueenOfFarkingEverything]

We've got one of those backpack with a lead on for walking him. He has started whinnying and galloping down the road whenever we use it (copying his big sister who has an imaginary horse )

Y'know, he is really really cute and lovely, and he gives me tiss, and says 'O
oooooooooh look there's MY MUMMY' whenever I return from any absence, however short. But OMG he does my head in sometimes.

[BooBumpDaddyandMe]

Queen reading that struck the fear of god into me as my 18 month old is becoming a little Labrador esq.
Colditz I think I wee'd a tiny bit reading your posts out to dh!!!!!!!

[ShowOfBloodyStumps]

Oh lord yes. Putting things round their necks. This. Always this. Rope type things, hairbands, cords, tape measures, belts. Anything. Round his neck. And he genuinely is never happier than when he has a dangerous implement in each hand, a questionable item such as a fork between his teeth (think dog with a bone) and is able to run at top speed over questionable terrain. He's a little weirdo.

DD really fooled me. When people talked about tantrums and wilful behaviour I used to think 'well just ask them not to and they stop, simple really'. Mwahahahahaha. Old me, you're a twit.

[Happylander]

I feel your pain and mine is the same although not so crazy about strangling himself. Mines been like it for nearly 15 months now. I am knackered! Thank fuck I have to go to work that's all I can say is no way could I deal with him everyday!! SS would be round I am sure.

I have tried reading books on stuff playful parenting but doesn't work really or I am just too worn down to give it a go properly. Sorry but I haven't got an hour to playfully chase him around the room trying to get his shoes on. Now it is just get your shoes or your going out without them.

Mine gets worse the more tired he gets and it is like having the Tasmanian devil in the house.

My friends think he is wonderful and cute and so funny and has a winning smile. They don't believe me when I say he is a handful.

I find gin helps

[Alitoomanykids]

repeat after me in zombie like voice... it is not ok to hit, it is not ok to slam doors, it is not ok to hit your head off the doors, it is not ok to bite, it is not ok to chase the rabbit with a golf club..... and repeat... and repeat

giiiiiiiiiiin!

[Belladonna666]

Is this a boy thing? How fucking wonderful!

Also, to all those who have had toddlers like this who have calmed down, how long (how many years) did it take?

[Alitoomanykids]

nah, my terror is a girl. My first ds was a bit of a handful but nothing like this. It is just a phase thank goodness.

[notnowbernard]

Does anyone else also have a demented 2yr old who refuses to get in the bastard buggy? (Or 'pushchair', if you prefer)

[QueenOfFarkingEverything]

Oh yes. He turns into an ironing board baby when he sees the infernal chariot.

[OscarPistoriusGirlfriend]

And the car seat. Fun, fun, fun.

[Alitoomanykids]

that's what knees are for.. particularly as I have re-sprained my wrist attempting a similar wrestling move involving a car seat, a narrow high street and a screaming banshee.

[notnowbernard]

Mine is just 2 also and seems to have Herculean strength when it comes to the sodding buggy

I've had to concede defeat, I'm a beaten Mother who let's her 2yo 'call the shots'

Trying to wrestle him into a battered Maclaren in the middle of the school playground is too much

[Alitoomanykids]

I refuse to be beaten on the buggy issue... after dd (aged 2) and walking home from toddlers decided on a detour to the park by herself at high speed. Followed by 45 minute scream-fest as I wrestled her back into the buggy... to the alarm of the workmen nearby, the neighbours and a local policeman. I tried to persuade him to arrest her for in-humane behavior but he refused on the grounds that he had a similar specimen at home.

[QueenOfFarkingEverything]

'inhumane behaviour'

I reckon DS could probably get a conviction for 'behaviour likely to cause distress or alarm'...

[notnowbernard]

I'm a bit of a sap, Ali

I find myself in the position of attempting to restrain whilst hooking a foot around a front wheel. By the time I'm getting the 2nd arm in, he's wriggled the other one out. Whilst doing the ironing board. And he's massive with a big gob

It's a bloody nightmare, isn't it

And you end up either chasing after a sprinting toddler or stopping every 5 seconds to look at every stick, stone, leaf or pile of dog poo

[DuelingFanjo]

I must be sterile mum, I just let my toddler carry on. Am I making a rod for my own back?

[DuelingFanjo]

Terrible, not sterile!