I think there is something 'wrong' with my 3year old.

[Onlyhappywhenitrains]

He's 3.2 and has always been more difficult than any of my friends' children. Poor eater, sleeper etc. he fits the profile of a spirited child in many ways.

But I can't help feeling there's more than that. He's very babyish in some ways for his age, has poor concentration span, extremely defeatist with a very negative attitude towards any new experience. Won't try if he thinks he can't do something and gets very easily and quickly frustrated. He spends a lot of his day whining in a high pitched tone. If for example he is building a tower and it topples rather than trying again he will just start to tantrum and shriek. He is extremely competitive, everything is a competition and if he loses there is the same result. Massive tantrum, sulk and high pitched whining. Won't join in with children his own age but will happily play with adults and older children. I suspect he isn't very bright and will struggle academically and possibly socially also. He won't dress himself but can get undressed, he can't or won't do jigsaw puzzles (even four pieces), he won't draw so his pencil grip is awful. He will have a stab at writing his name (only three letters) but isn't that interested and prefers to just stab aggressively at the paper. He is aggressive with toys and shakes and bangs them for no reason. He has a thing about textures and will stroke walls, pavements etc when we are out.

He starts nursery in September so I suppose they will pick up if he needs some extra support. He is so immature though that I don't know how he will cope. Next to children his own age he seems about a year behind.

Its not the blinds imo, when sleep is this bad it won't be solved with a blind or whatever, I expect OP has tried every light/clock/cover/whatever going? OP - have you asked him why he wakes & where he wants to sleep?

Hi OnlyHappy,
Im with the others here, I suspect a huge amount of his negativity and your despair are down to lack of sleep for both of you. I only had about 4 months of broken sleep with my DS and that almost drove me around the bend, let alone 3 years of it, no wonder you both are struggling! Poor you:( In my opinion you need to massively prioritize the sleep issue and see where that takes you, things may start to fall into place after you both have had extended peroids of proper sleep, he must be exhausted as well. There is a sleep thread here, you can post there and people will have some really good ideas to add to these already posted. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

we were told to seriously consider reflux as a cause of waking, even though DD is 5, did your DS have reflux as a baby?

I was going to ask about reflux.

Dd1 (6) has alway been an awful sleeper, at your ds's age she was up throughout the night sometimes for hours at a time. She also had a persistent night cough, which was put down as asthma by the paeds. Her sleep has improved, but it is still not great, and she is always unsettled (sleep walking, nightmares etc)

She has recently seen a paed to investigate food allergies, and I asked about reflux (I have since had ds, who has severe reflux), he said it sounded very likely, so we are trying meds to see if it helps settle her.

Is there anything physical going on?

He had colic and was a sicky baby but was never formally diagnosed with reflux or anything. He slept a bit better (up 2-3 times a night.) when we could swaddle him. He is a very restless sleeper and I think he possibly bangs himself on something or wakes himself up by throwing his arms out and then has just got in the habit of shouting for me as opposed to self soothing. The more tired he is the worse he sleeps. We had a day out with another friend and their child. We were very active all day on a giant adventure playground. Friend's child was on bed by six and slept until nearly 10, mine was up until nearly 10pm shouting and singing, up in the night and then awake at 5.30am. Over stimulated or over tired definitely makes him much worse.

i would ask GP for some gaviscon as it wouldnt hurt to try a spoonful before bed. :)

I'm sure you have tried everything. I didn't find the magic formula, my ds was waking several times a night as well. It fell into place eventually by the time he turned 2, not without some issues that still happen. If it had continued at the worst degree, I would have needed some help from a professional. It was ruining my life so I can imagine how you must feel at times. Hopefully nursery and being with other children will iron out some of your concerns. As a previous poster said, get the sleep sorted and I wouldn't worry yourself about anything else for the moment.

I know it has affected my memory and ability to think straight. Some days I won't drive because I feel drunk with exhaustion. The longest I have slept for in one strecth in the last three years (bar the two nights where he slept through, not sure why he did but felt like a lottery winner those nights) is three hours.

I know that feeling about not wanting to drive. I pranged my car once due to being exhaused with my DS' bad sleep. My DS1 was a dream with sleep and still is. It's a shock to the system having a child that will battle. I hope you can find a way forward very soon OP.

Restrictive. He is fussy about new textures and will gag and spit food out. Fruit is hopeless, will only eat bananas and apples and occasionally strawberries. Vegetables are pretty good. He will eat fish and chicken but not keen on red meats. He will eat egg and quiche and would probably live on baked beans if allowed. He also likes milk and I have to be careful because if allowed I think he'd stop eating altogether and live on milk. He is big for his age (112cm, 48lbs and in age 5-6 tops and 4-5 trousers.)

why don't you try changing YOUR attitude and see happens? Be more patient and respect him when he's frustrated, things like that?

Maybe play with him letting him lead? (no telling him what to do or 'showing' him anything)

Lots of cuddles anf physical contact?

How do you react when he tantrums? Do you keep calm and wait for him to finish?

He's learning to deal with the world AND his feelings. It's a huge task.

I also have a bad sleeper, I know it's hard to keep your cool sometimes, but these times I just breathe.

I would suggest a night in a hotel before even thinking of anything else!

I don't think the diet sounds too bad!

I agree about concentrating on the sleep.

When he wakes in the night, how long is he up for? How does he go back to sleep?

His likes and dislikes in food sound pretty good for his age. One child I know would only eat Weetabix for ages!

onlyhappy I know where you're coming from - a lot of what you says describes my ds1, except the poor sleep. DS often starts the day wailing for no reason and sometimes we have days where he finds fault in or a problem with everything. The whining and negativity have really started to bother me and it's hard to be positive yourself when you are barraged from morning until night with battles. The one thing that does seem to make a difference (and gives me a bit of headspace so I don't end up shouting at him) is that I tell him if he wants to whinge/whine/cry then that's fine but he has to go and do it in his bedroom and when he's ready to talk like a big boy, he can come and ask/tell me whatever he was whining or crying about in a normal voice.

Ds1 has always been a little bit 'more' than other kids, even as a newborn. I didn't know any different, I thought all babies were like this and felt awful as all my friends didn't seem to have the same anxieties about leaving the house with such a challenging baby - it's only since I had dd2, who is so far easy going and chilled out, that I've realised ds1 was definitely more challenging.

Ds1, I don't think is conventionally bright as yet, but he does have a startlingly good imagination and a feel for drama (which can be both good and bad!) He is very sensitive to other people's emotions but doesn't know how to handle negative emotions in both himself and others. If another child falls over and hurts themselves, his automatic reaction is to start crying too, copy the 'fall' and shout 'no no no' to the child concerned. He needs a lot of coaching in how to deal with his strong feelings - does this ring a bell at all? I have to show him what to do and what to say when someone else hurts themselves or is crying, which does help.

He is always overwhelmed by noisy and busy spaces and tends to either go to two extremes - on one hand a bit manic and wild or very introverted, refusing to speak to people other than me, and being whiney the whole time. He loves older kids, the structure and the clear rules they bring to their play, and any adult who takes the time to talk and/or play with him. He is incredibly negative about a handful of his peers and often refuses to see a certain 'friend' if he perceives they have slighted him in some way on his last contact with them. He, on the other hand, has a small number of favourite friends who he appears to be loyal to - I suspect this might be a character trait later on.

We do a lot of stuff he likes, I play with him quite a bit. He does a lot of imaginative play as well as liking cars, trains etc.
When he tantrums I try and ignore and distract. I find anything else prolongs the tantrum. If he is actively naughty then he gets time outed (is that a word?!) to calm down.

The diet is a bit better than it was (I have found a use for his competitive side, whoever can try everything on their plate first is the winner).

When he wakes in the night he shouts for me. If I go in pretty much straight away he will go back to sleep. If I leave him or don't go in immediately it can take hours for him to go back off. When he first shouts for me he is still half asleep, the reassurance of me going in means he goes back off. If I don't go in then he wakes up properly and then that's it really, he's awake and won't go back to sleep. I don't know how to break the cycle.

If he is competitive he might be motivated by a reward chart for good sleeping.

A weighted blanket might be an idea. We tried a reward chart a while back but not recently. May try it again now he is a bit older. I think it is largely a habit that needs to be broken.

mrtumble your ds sounds a lot like mine. Mine also has a flair for drama it would appear and he does a huge amount of imaginary play. He is the same in busy situations, either manic and afpggressive or withdrawn and whiny.

My oldest is highly sensitive, and I have had to give him lots of routine, a fixed bedtime routine, fixed meal times and be times, and the right balance between activity and calm time!

I found there was a tipping point where he became so tired he would become hyeractive, maddening!

So a real routine, not too much excitement (birthday parties always tipped him over the tipping point!) regular meals and early bed really helped.

And lots of patience(fake it til you make it)

And I hated leaving the house with him as a baby. He'd scream and scream because he wouldn't sleep anywhere apart from in his cot. Even as a newborn he never slept in the car or pushchair. And stimulus and he would refuse to sleep and would scream instead. It was without doubt the worst time of my life. My marriage nearly didn't survive it.

Yup, been there

Mrtumble and OP have you ever read about The Highly sensitive child?

Google it, it is reassuring. My ds definitely is like this, we have come a long way, he is 9 now and I wish I had read the book before, in the wilderness years

If your presence is enough to get him back to sleep why does co-sleeping not work? We went for beds next each other with bed guard between to cut out kicking/squashed up.