DS1 asked me whether he could hit back

[red37]

I dont encourage hitting but my ds1 came home from school upset and asked me whether he could hit another child back.
Any advice?
TIA

Personally, I let them hit back if another child has hit them. Not everyone's cup of tea, I know.

They know that they are absolutely never to hit first.

I would ask your son more about the circumstances in which he wanted to hit back; there may be playground supervision problems you should raise with the school, or perhaps your son has handled a situation badly and could do with some guidance on how to do better next time. I would also talk to him about ways of avoiding trouble (such as staying where the teacher can see him, talking through points of conflict so they don't become flashpoints for violence etc). However, I think it is unrealistic to expect children never to hit back; they may face situations in which they need to defend themselves or friends. How old is your son?

I'd say to the child why are you upset? Get them to explain what it was about the hitting that made them feel upset. Then say to them, the 'easy' way is to hit back but then you are turning yourself into the sort of person who makes other people feel the way you do now. You're worth more than that and are not that sort of person, you're better than that.

Letting them hit back is the easy way out but I think doesn't teach them how to deal with difficult situations WITH WORDS, something an adult needs to know. It also escalates the situation for them and can lead to more hitting and fights for them in the long run.

I'm not saying children who hit and upset your child shouldn't be dealt with, they should - if your child doesn't want to be seen as a 'grass', they can shout to the hitter REALLY loud if in playground so that an adult is alerted to what is happening and can then deal with it. If it happens out of earshot of a teacher, tell the child to make sure that they 'mutter' about how much it hurt, they think they'll have a bruise, etc, next time they are in class.

Sparklemagic, evidently you are non-violent, which is a perfectly logical point of view, however, I disagree that hitting back leads to more problems in the long run.

If you are a bully, do you hit the child who doesnt hit back, or the one who thumps you?

The non violent path requires a lot of effective supervision from adults. It is completely unrealistic to expect children to be non-violent, and not to "grass"

I have to agree with you Nightynight. I know of people who have told their children not to hit other boys if they hit them and they have ended up the subject of bullies. It is easy to hit the child who just cries and runs to the teacher.

My little girl was being hit by another girl at school and I didn't really want to get too involved as it wasn't serious, but upsetting nonetheless. I told her to slap her back. She did this and the other girl never hit her again.

You need to indicate to a child when it is appropriate to hit other people, ie in self defence. The playground can be a difficult place for kids and there comes an age when you can't go and tell the teacher you need to defend your own interests. Some children aren't interested in negotiating either - they are just plain bullies and enjoy making children squirm.

I haven't had this problem but a friend of mine has, with her 8 year old son, and her response has always been that you don't hit anyone first, but if someone hits you then you hit them once, and you hit them hard. So far he has never been hit a second time.

I'm not sure how I would handle the question myself, but I do think that children need to be taught how to defend themselves. They are too easy a target for bullies otherwise.

agree with others

I always tell my kids if they ever get hit, they are to belt them back harder

Actually I agree with Sparklemagic. I always tell my kids to walk away. I also say, 'Just because someone did or said something nasty to you, it doesn't mean you have to do the same thing to them.'
I think that's quite an important life lesson.

Haven't had this problem yet - ds is too small. However it seems to me that if self defense is OK for adults how come it isn't for children.

I think one hard hit/shove if you have been hit first is perfectly OK - I also think a loud shout - like 'LEAVE ME ALONE' as well re-inforces things. It shows that you are able to defend yourself and you are not scared. It may be possible to do this with words but not really realistic I feel in most circumstances.

It is never OK to

hit first of course - sorry pressed post too soon

oh dear, red37 is getting lots of conflicting advice - be interesting to know what you told your son to do in the end.

I may get shot down here, but who cares.

If my either of my dd's came to me and asked if it was ok to hit back if someone had been hitting them, i say yes, as hard as you can. If the teachers call me in and want to discuss it I would quite happily go in and sort it out. Main reason being I have been having quite a bit of trouble with dd1 coming home complaining that a girl has been pushing her around and the playground supervisor has seen it and has done nothing even though dd1 has been and told her. Also, dd takes packed lunches and is always complaining that children are messing with her food and she can't tell anyone as there are no supervisors.

Radley, that is shocking, why is there no supervisor? how old is your dd?

I say hit back. Always. Particularly for siblings! (if of even size/stature obviously!)

I was in a hufe soft play area with dd a few weeks back and she came to me in tears (she's 5) and said older kids had pushed her down out of the way to get past. I said to push them right back.
She was hit in another such place by a few girls who ganged up on her and her litle friend, the girls were taking turns hitting my dd and her friend (older girls) I would have loved it if dd had hit the ringleader back jst then. Little flamin bullies.

Obvioulsy these were specific cases and you need to find out the ins and outs first red37.

If a situation had gone on long enough and telling a playground supervisor or teacher was achieving nothing - I'd show them how to hit back myself. Probably an unpopular view but there you have it.

I ignored and ignored a bunch of girls who taunted me on the way home from school every day. One day I stopped in my tracks, turned round and smacked the ringleader in the face. Never heard from them again.

My brother was also being picked on the bus home from school and eventually my Dad told him to whack him back - he did and they were friends after that!

My first advice is always to walk away, shout 'NO' or whatever but if it's not working I'd smack them one back.

Lunavix - I am always telling my eldest dd to hit her little sis back rather than come crying to me!! not sure what to do if it happens at school though

Blimey! Bit at this thread.
Can understand GDG's logic perfectly - if it's been going on for a long time and nothing else seems to be working, well, OK, maybe.
But telling your children to hit their friends and, eek, their siblings? Just don't get it.
Surely we need to be teaching our kids to deal with tricky situations with words, not fists?
If nothing else, your child could end up in trouble for hitting the first child and the first child get off scot-free (because the teacher didn't see it). Then how do you explain the fairness of that?

Pashmina, I have absolutely no idea why there is no supervisor, I think it is because most of the children have school dinners so there are only a few with packed lunch, i dread to think of what the kids get up to. I've had to change dd's packed lunch because kids were always messing with her food etc, she has also stopped eating certain foods because she gets laughed at. She is 6 by the way.

This sort of silliness goes on all the time and I just wish some parents would teach their children how rude it is to comment on what other people are eating. My eldest regularly comes home and says that her "friend" commented on how disgusting her lunch looked. What is the matter with these kids? At 6 you can perhaps understand the ignorance, but at 14 one really starts to wonder.

absofuckinglutley hit back. just dont hit first. and that includes girls until puberty.

juliab - I think in an ideal world you are right, but for some nasty kids a taste of their own medicine, and the shock factor of that, is the only thing that seems to work.

Absolutely agree with Sparklemagic. Don't sink to their level. Am quite shocked of how many teach their children to hit back actually. It's never okey to hit IMO, even if someone else hit you first. Walk away and tell an adult.

Worked for me. No harm done - I'm not a raving lunatic!

Not disagreeing with you GDG - you are a clear voice of reason in all this. It's the hit-back-immediately brigade I take issue with.