DS1 asked me whether he could hit back

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I dont encourage hitting but my ds1 came home from school upset and asked me whether he could hit another child back.
Any advice?
TIA

God figroll - did you not think of stepping in and stopping this before it got to the stage where he was being beaten or just after the first punch was thrown - well before he had to be hospitalised.

My view on violence comes from growing up in a family where fists were used to solve everything by everyone except me and then into a violent marriage and I have to say I find the thought of anyone raising a hand to anything disgusting - I could not do it and I am sure that DD couldn't she is not that way inclined. Hopefully with me and DP behind her she will grow up with coping mechanisms for things and we will make sure she talks to us about things and we can sort things out without having to be violent.

You all have your views but I have mine - I can;t see why people hit kids even so maybe I am just soft!!

Similar reasons here, Twinkie1. I have come to the firm conclusion that violence is always wrong and physical retaliation counterproductive. I agree with you that other ways of defending oneself can and should be cultivated.

I think your comment to figroll was a bit uncalled-for though. She clearly found the whole experience very upsetting, as anyone would, and you don't really have enough information to be judgemental about how she did or didn't react.

I don't see it as either-or. Yes there are techniques for talking yourself out of a situation. For instance when teenagers taunt over "who is gay", a good response structure is to ask the person doing the most, jsut why this is so imnportant, is there a reason behind this obsession.
So violence avoidance need not be weak at all, but can be very assertive, and in some contexts verbal aggression can be more effective than ignoring it.

But there are times when you have choice between inflicting pain, having it inflicted upon you.
No technique is 100% and like physical violence a kid many simply not be able to do enough to be useful.

You may have moral view that violence under any circumstances is wrong, even if you get hurt. I can respect that. However I recall the suffering of kids who couldn't defend themselves.
Thus it comes down to how much you are prepared to make to make your child suffer for your principles.

my dh and i are in discussion about the whole issue of whether our dd can hit back. we both coming to the conclusion where if she is hit first then she can stand up for herself.school is tough and i think we need to teach our children to look after themselves.however she is told never to hit first.last summer a littlke girl where we just moved to was constanmtly pinching and pulling our daughters hair,i dont want her to grow up to become a victim of a bully.

Do you think we should let our children make that descision to hit back or not, in certain situations, I know we guide them in our own ways and do not want them to become the victims of bullies.
Ds is aware that he will be issued with a yellow card for retalliation and he has told me he can live with that.
But what has upset him is that he clearly doesnt want to disappoint me as I have never encouraged hitting, hence why he asked me first.
Poor little mite, he is asking for my permission, do I go against my principles on this one ocassion.

I was brought up alway's turn the other cheek. Thankfully my d/h is more realistic than that and i have told d/d to shout at nursery "CHild's name do not hit me".

If a certain child is hitting them I am afraid i agree with hit back harder but never first.

I used to tell my DS, walk away the first time, if they do it again then stand up for yourself. In school you do want your child to be able to walk away from a situation but you dont want the hitter to think you child is someone who will always walk away. I do draw the line now however if girls are hitting him. I just tell him its because they think he's cute and dont ever hit them back just walk away. (guaranteed to wind them up!!)

tell him to nut him one

Twinkie1

If you had been there you would not have intervened - I am not talking about 5 year olds here, but grown men. I am 5 foot 1 and I really don't think that coming between to young men would have been a sensible thing to do - I could have ended up in hospital with the young man in question. I come from a very non violent background and I think that working in a college has shown me what the world out there is really like - there are some incredibly violent young men and women on our streets who do not listen to any form of negotiation and would stab you rather than listen to you. It really is very frightening and has taught me to "mind my own business" which is a great shame. However, this is the reality of the situation, I have a husband and 2 children to consider.

The young man who went to hospital is okay now but badly bruised. The college, on the other hand, has decided to allow both students back to class - clearly bums on seats are far more important than the safety of the kids there.