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Original poster

I am disappointed with my own child

133 replies

trice · 24/01/2006 10:29

I took ds to his assessment interview yesterday for a lovely (but selective) school which we would like him to go to. He failed miserably to do most of the tasks set so I suspect that he won't get in. I am having to face the fact that he really isn't very bright.

I feel terrible about this. I hate the fact that this assessment has made me dissapointed with my own beautiful boy. It really makes me realize what assessment is doing to all out kids. How can you fail when you are four? I don't want to have my expectations for him lowered. I have always thought that he was a very special little boy. It really hurts that he is not special enough.

OP posts:
NomDePlume · 24/01/2006 10:32

Trice, I can understand that you are disappointed, as a parent it is only natural that you want the very best education for your child.

He IS special, he just may not be showing signs of being academically gifted, but at 4 years old it makes me that he is expected to.

Blu · 24/01/2006 10:32

He is a very special little boy.
He mighht not eb very good at assessments, and heaven forbid that any 'assessment' made over an hour or two when er are four should define us as a disappointment for the rest of our lives. He will blossom and flourish in his own ways, in his own timne, as long as you have positive belief in him, and a belief that whateb=ver his actual strengths and lesser-strengths, you still feel,he is special and not a disapointment.

I hope your disappointment ios a fleeting thing and not a true refelction on your view of your boy, because otherwise you need to pull yourself together!

FairyMum · 24/01/2006 10:33

There are lots of ways to be bright. How you can "select" from a bunch of 4 year-olds are beyond me...........

Enid · 24/01/2006 10:35

trice

I was devastated when it turned out that dd1 was bottom of the class for reading in her reception year and was being kept in the reception class for another year.

I felt so upset by it. I got some good advice on here and after a week or so I got over it and now am my dd1s biggest champion. Now I have adjusted my expectations every tiny step she makes means so much to me that it has brought us even closer.

I really hope you can reach that point too, I am sure you will in time.

bosscat · 24/01/2006 10:36

so what that he failed? he is special he just isn't good at those tests. I have always felt that there is a difference between being "bright" and being "academic". The two don't always go hand in hand. don't write him off yet, he's only 4 for goodness sake. I don't want to rub salt in the wound but I would never have applied to any school that did selective testing at the age of 4. Its completely pointless and proves nothing. you can't fail when you are 4, he hasn't failed anything, just a stupid pointless silly elistist test.

LIZS · 24/01/2006 10:36

Whe you say he failed miserably what do you mean ? He may not have been intend to succeed but perhaps show some willing and they'd monitor his attempts. I really don't think you shodul take it as a pure measure of intelligence tbh. If the school are so regimented ot assess them literally by task perhaps it is just not the school for him or you . ds and dd's school is "selective" but there is even so a huge range of abilities, attention span and talents.

Furball · 24/01/2006 10:37

At the end of the day, someones child has to come last or bottom of the class no matter how bright they all are.

All kids are bright but some are better at some things than others. Please don't feel he's a failure and he is special and he always will be.

bosscat · 24/01/2006 10:38

elitist, and I'm a lawyer who can't spell!

expatinscotland · 24/01/2006 10:38

Not special enough?

Can I have him? I'll bet he's a really beautiful person.

I agree w/FairyMum, there are soooo many ways for people to be 'bright'. Just think of the term. It means full of light.

PennyLess · 24/01/2006 10:38

Could it be that they don't really expect the children to complete the tasks, and that what they are really looking for is the way the children interact with each other and react to adults?
The school my children go to, while the parents are not present at the assessments so have very little clue how their darlings do, really only gives feedback on the children who haven't got in. One boy I know is bright enough, but was incapable of doing what he was asked ie was always looking at something else and wouldn't sit still. It could very easily be that they deliberately set tasks that the children cannot be expected to complete because they need to know how they deal with that. When do you find out the results?

TinyGang · 24/01/2006 10:39

Maybe that's just not the school for him. I would question the loveliness of a school that expects a four year old to perform anyway tbh. I know school is important but there isn't a school or organisation or stupid test in the world that would make me feel that my children were not 'special enough'.

Enid · 24/01/2006 10:39

expat in that case dd1 is the brightest child on the planet

bosscat · 24/01/2006 10:39

ds's school is selective but only at 11. the intake is at 4, then 7, then 11. they don't bother with selection at 4 or 7 because really, what does it prove?

Hallgerda · 24/01/2006 10:39

Trice, try to remember there is more to life than academic achievement. There are other ways of being special. Anyway, not everyone shows their full potential at the age of four; I certainly didn't!

Try to concentrate on what your son can do, and encourage him to do the same. That will help to build his confidence, which is often more to the point in real life than academic achievement.

I hope you get over this soon; it can't be pleasant.

PennyLess · 24/01/2006 10:41

And incidentally, the boy I was talking about was accepted a year later...

giddy1 · 24/01/2006 10:42

Message deleted

ScummyMummy · 24/01/2006 10:42

Selective schools for 4 year olds suck. He's so clever he realises that and didn't want to go. He's mega special. If the school doesn't want him the school is shite. I honestly believe that. Like what everyone else has said too.

expatinscotland · 24/01/2006 10:42

I'll bet she is, Enid! Bet she's talented in a lot of ways that haven't even become evident yet, that's the beauty of having kids.

Man, someone please bitchslap me if I'm ever 'disappointed' in either of my precious little girls for any reason other than their showing psychopathic tendancies, God forbid.

But honestly. It's a school! One school among thousands.

bloss · 24/01/2006 10:42

Message withdrawn

beejay · 24/01/2006 10:43

I hate selective schools. Such a pile of pants

Enid · 24/01/2006 10:44

I was though (disappointed)

feel awful about it now but tbh it was just one of those phases you go trhough as a parent - I had bonkers parents and the only thing I ever did that pleased them was be super-brainy so it made me confront all that old crap. Glad I have got over it in time for dd2 and dd3/ds

Piffle · 24/01/2006 10:44

Its not about lowering your expectations trice, its about changing them petal.

He is 4 and it is natural especially in this age of academic competition that you should want him to succeed from the off.
Children are different
In many countries in the world he would not even be at school until age 6-7.

I have 2 children at each end of the mill. One very high acheiving ds and my darling dd who has some special needs.
I want the same things for her that ds has, but I know that her route to gaining these skills is a very different one from ds and may not be for her.
I am sitting back a little watching her find her way (she is 3.4)
I will simply keep her out of the loop school wise until she is ready.
And also so that you know, the gifted and able scheme takes new pupils even after gcses are done, so that any late bloomers can benefit (if in fact it is a benefit at all and I'm still out on that tbh)
What he needs most is your support, faith in him and unconditional pride in his achievements.
After all it is his achievement to be had, not yours.
It is a hard world to make this distinction though.
It makes me ill to think of this being imposed on children at age 11 let alone age 4.

expatinscotland · 24/01/2006 10:44

Funnily enough, for those interested in history, many famous leaders were last in their classes. It's actually a point of distinction at West Point Academy to be last in your class.

spacedonkey · 24/01/2006 10:45

I didn't even know there were schools out there giving selection tests for four year olds

harpsichordcarrier · 24/01/2006 10:46

I agree selection at the age of four is a Very Bad Thing indeed.