I am disappointed with my own child

[trice]

I took ds to his assessment interview yesterday for a lovely (but selective) school which we would like him to go to. He failed miserably to do most of the tasks set so I suspect that he won't get in. I am having to face the fact that he really isn't very bright.

I feel terrible about this. I hate the fact that this assessment has made me dissapointed with my own beautiful boy. It really makes me realize what assessment is doing to all out kids. How can you fail when you are four? I don't want to have my expectations for him lowered. I have always thought that he was a very special little boy. It really hurts that he is not special enough.

I wouldn't worry too much, it's normal to feel a litle dissapointed with our kids from time to time, so long as it doesn't last and it is task / incident specific rather than with them directly.

Your little one is bound to have talents but it is unlikely that those have been discovered yet. My 2.5 year old can not really speak yet, but can do two puzzles simultamneously when mixed up in a box. Some kids won't even look at a task until they can do it A1.

My guess is you just need to calm down and readjust yourself to a different perspective. TBH, I think they were just as likely looking at his people skills or confidence, as others have said, as his academic ability. And TBH, a disspaointed looking Mum won't have helped!

If this school is rejecting kids at 4, then it is clearly a lucky escape. Learn from it, realise that your son is indeed special because he is unique, and give him a big hug.

Disappointed in my spelling however. Just had to check how to spell it in the dictionary

You have some great posts on here already. I agree that testing at 4 is not a good thing in general, but I also have to say that it is (or appears to be) completely bloody random. I know several children who tested at 4 for the top 3 or 4 schools here. Every one of them got into one school but were turned down by at least two others, and that is without any schools being in cahoots with each other. One boy was turned down because he couldn't hold a pen properly. He could, however, read fluently, but that didn't cut the mustard.

I just wanted to add this to the more valid points about being proud of him for his own sake, not because of how he performs at a school test.

BTW I don't agree with testing at 4, I just see it as one of the 'hoops' we have to jump through to get DD's into the school we liked the most.

ggglimpopo great story

I am not disappointed in him generally, I'm his mum so I think he is wonderful. I just got a shock when he couldn't do things the other kids could. I was going along blindly assuming that he was terribly bright so it came as a bit of a surprise to see him struggling. Pride comes before a fall and such. Like most mums I just want my child to be happy.

Err, how do you know that the other kids were able to do the things?

I can't emphasise enough that they deliberately ask things they don't expect them to know to see how they react. DD2 did hers last week and the headmistress told me this explicitly.

Also, don't forget they are testing children with an age range varying from 3.5 to 4.5 which is a huge age difference at this age. They take age into account but all children do the same questions so the 'diffeculty' at the top end has to be sufficient to enable them to differentiate ability at the oldest end of the spectrum. If you have a child that will be young in the year they will seem to 'know' almost nothing but with the younger children this isn't what the school are looking for.

Trice - FWIW our eldest ds failed the same test for a London preprep at same age and is now hugely academic and sporty 15 yr old at King's Canterbury...... doesn't mean diddlysquit: they are oversubscribed and have these stupid arbitary tests which lots of sensible 3and 4 yr olds balk at doing. What you mustn't be is ever ever disappointed because you chose a goal he didn't achieve. You have to love him whatever; that way he will be able to reach his full potential

But passionflower, the schools all say they adjust for age. Unfortunately, this presupposes children will/should be doing the same thing at the same month of their lives. That in itself is misleading because children develop at different rates in different areas (academics only being one of these areas), the variations being particularly pronounced in preschool children. So adjustment for age will not benefit children who don't have the interest or ability to learn shapes, colours, numbers, letters at that age - but that is not to say it won't come later, sometimes much later.

passionflower, just read your earlier posts about the school setting tests that are beyond the ability of the children to test their reaction? Can you explain what sort of reaction the schools are hoping for - I am genuinely interested to know. I would imagine the ability to focus at 4 is as elusive as the ability to actually pass the tests. I can imagine my dd would just look blankly and walk off! No offence to the teacher but there are more interesting things to do.

As explained to me by DD1's head - they start off with thing that thins that they deff. should know work though things they may or may not know and finish with thing that they don't expect them to know. They are looking for children that aren't fazed by being confronted with something that they don't know the answer to and who are prepared to look at all the alternative answers and hazard a guess. The 'test' I'm particularly referringto here is where they are asked which picture (out of a choice of 4)represents a word. ie start of with things like 'jug' and working through to things like 'expulsion'.

I'm not trying to defend the process and in fact one of the main reasons we decided to go private was so that DD's don't have to do the 11plus. I was merely trying to say to trice that it may be that her DS didn't perform as 'badly' (for want of a better word - it's late and i'm tired )as she may have thought.

No probs, passionflower. Thanks for that explanation.

It's all a bit nuts isn't it. My ds failed his 2yr test miserably because he had no interest in dolls whatsoever. He wanted to play on the weighing scales! I was mortified, and yes of course I felt concerned that maybe there was a problem. At school the SENCE spend some time trying to persuade us he is autistic, just because he was very interested in trains. He has grown out of this now (has many many intense interests at present!), and is now thought of as not exactly normal - he is a huge pain, clearly has problems in doing what he is told, but is also charming and very bright. dd on the other hand is apparently a pleasure to teach, but I worry (stupidly, I know) that maybe she isn't too bright, just because she clearly doesn't cause any bother! I suspect that at 4 she would have passed tests (she loves to please) and he would not (although you never know - probably he would fly through on one day, and fail the next). I can see that a school might well prefer dd, because, let's face it she is pretty easy in the classroom setting. I would recommend trying some more schools, you might find he gets into somewhere else that you decide is actually a better place for him - that has certainly happened with friends of mine who went the selective route.

Sorry but these schools just puzzle me....
My daughter is now a private school and what i thought was a fun day to see if SHE likes the school, in reality was an assesment.If I would have known, i wouldn't have sent her!
She was 7!
And know she writes essays with long sentences and gets a really good education but...my Dutch friend abroad have children of the same age and tehy lear to write the number 6 : 6 dots.
Letter forming, no words yet!
My children would never get into a selective school at 4 because they don't speak English at that age yet...
daughter 1 could count to 20 in Dutch, to ten in both her other languages, at 18 months, started speaking at 5 months and was very advanced.
Daughter 2 coulndn't count to 10 even in reception, especially because d1 thought it funny to teach her 1,2,4,3,6,8 etc :-)

And to be honest, no 1 seems to be inteligent but not a genius, no 2 seems to be bright as well...and what if they wouldn't be?
Would that make them unhappier? not at all.It is when you feel you have to fulfill certain expectations that you become unhappy, even when, as a child, you are able to fulfill them easily.
For example, I was extremely good at school as a child, but felt I had to be in order to be loved, all my selfworth came from that.I wasn't a happy , balanced teenager, i always felt i had to be the best.
I felt so jealous of average children who were able to accept themselves the way they were and now, as adults, some of them have a brilliant career and i am a housewife (but happy)
Does it all matter that much?
No.
I want my children to get a good education, a good basis for teh rest of theit lives.but 7 years old who are 'bored' if they don't get enough homework?? Doesn't sound healthy.Go and paint/play/write a story, whatever.
the problem with this sort of selective schools seem to me that the children have to be 'superkids' to make the adults happy, all in name of their 'future', but really aren't allowed to be children.
just my opinion.I would say , if you can afford it, pay for a private school but a happy one, without pressure, and see in a few years time what sort of (secondary) school would suit him.
Children can do just as well in not-selective schools, sometimes better, depending on their caracter!

not what she still feels.

read whole thread, but dont feel disapointed.
do you know if he was actually meant to pass the tasks or was it to see how he approached them and tried them?

thats not read the whole thread!

Trice, have not read the full thread but just wanted to say that one of my friends did not pass the selction exam for a very good and demanded state school. So he went to a private school that was mostly attended by teenagers who had not passed the selective exams or who had been expelled from other more "reputable" schools. 20 yrs from it he is earning most than all of us (his friends who were accepted in the very selective school) and by saying us, I mean all the 5 of us put together! So who knows, he may end up rich and famous!

well, you haven't had the result yet, so you never know. I have been through the process with dd and will soon go through same with ds - and I had many sleepless nights - but in my experience assessments not only cover basic tasks, like identifying things correctly, being able to write / draw / count ata basic level but also how a child interacts, responds, shows their own unique spark. Don't forget that a lot of things are taken into account - for instance they may be very young in their year, they may have had their first years at home with Mummy, or at the odd playgroup, or they may have been to full time nursery. There are lots of criteria on which to judge. If indeed they have an inflexible method in task setting and can't see beyond that to the child (and he doesn't get a place) then maybe consider it's not the right school for him. At four, I think the most important thing is that they feel safe, happy and that they are learning at their own pace. If you feel 'disappointed' it's only because he is the apple of your eye and you love him and want him to be 'the best'. He is special, as they all are and under your watchful eye will surely flourish. Let's face it, some parents couldn't give a damn. You care! The main thing is to encourage him ( even if you are feeling disappointed in yourself)
Best of luck!

Perhaps we sometimes confuse wanting 'the best' FOR our kids (and surely we can only guess at what that is) with wanting our kids to BE 'the best'. I know I do.