I am disappointed with my own child

[trice]

I took ds to his assessment interview yesterday for a lovely (but selective) school which we would like him to go to. He failed miserably to do most of the tasks set so I suspect that he won't get in. I am having to face the fact that he really isn't very bright.

I feel terrible about this. I hate the fact that this assessment has made me dissapointed with my own beautiful boy. It really makes me realize what assessment is doing to all out kids. How can you fail when you are four? I don't want to have my expectations for him lowered. I have always thought that he was a very special little boy. It really hurts that he is not special enough.

I have quickly gone through this threat and well, as a French mum, I am not surprised to see that other parents want their children to be in a selective school and are hoping to see their little ones developing into little "genius". That's what I would like for DS1 & DS2. BUT at 4, there are still a lot of differences between children with the same capabilities. just because they haven't developped the same skills at the same time. They are still too young to expect from them to move at the same pace than everyone else ie the "average" or "bright" child. Not been able to perform some tasks at 4 doesn't mean they are stupid.
So I even if you are disppointed, don't forget that at that age, it might just mean that he hasn't mature enought yet. Have a look at 7 or better at 11 and see how he will have developped into a nice and intelligent person !
The best that we can offer to our children is the OPPORTUNITY to learn and develop in the best environment for that child and that environment will be different for every single one. Some will be at their best under a strict regime of homework etc... and others at their worst. Academic success will come more easily within the right environment and as a lot of us have already pointed out, there is a lot more in life.

well said, SabineJ

I sometimes find myself feeling disappointed with my own child - like when he doesn't do as well as his friend at karate class, for instance, and then I have to slap myself down for applying adult standards and expectations on a five year old.

I disagree fervently with any form of selective education at such a young age. Children find the first year or so of school challenging enough without having to jump through hoops which are only put there (as someone else has mentioned) to maintain the school's levels of achievement and therefore continue to attract other parents and, it follows, income (as most are fee paying.)

A friedn of mine has a DS 3 months younger than mine. He went to a private school from the age of 3 and I can still remember being horrified to find, when I visited her shortly after he started, that he was expected to be able to read and understand words like 'cat' 'dog' and so on. My 3.8 yr old DS had no idea of reading at that age. But what really horrified me more was my friend telling me that the teacher thought Charlie needed extra lessons as he was in danger of falling behind the rest of the class - at age 3.2 fgs!! Charlie didn't enjoy the school, became withdrawn and quiet, but she kept him there for another year as she 'wanted the very best for him' (ie the best that money could buy).

Eventually after expensive tests and assessments she sent him to another school and he's much happier. But he's still expected to 'perform'. I guess he's just used to it now.

Thank you for all your posts. You have all helped me to get things into perspective.

One of the hardest things I find about being a parent is reconciling how you know you are supposed to feel with the feelings that you do have. I am sure that I will be able to rationalize it with time.

Independent schools which I am assuming it was are businesses. Their main aim is to be financially sucessful and IMO this often comes before educational aims. They recruit unqualified teachers for a start, and are exclusive using poorly designed tests to gauge which children may add to their league table reputations.
Most children have more to gain from being in a state primary IMO and I teach in the independent sector - but not for much longer!!!!
Believe in your child - he will be what he will be with your love and encouragement.
What is success after all?

Gillyflower - a number of independant schools ar ein fact owned via a "charitable" trust. Whilst there is good cause to challenge whether or not the funds are used chartiably, I don't think your accusations are entirely fair. There is a lot of difference between independent schools (as indeed there is between state schools).

I really hate to say this but I could never be disappointed with my child. Especially at 4! I just cannot see how the words fail and 4 yr old boy are in the same sentence.
Kids shouldn't be assessed at 4 fgs.

I know it sounds corny that but as long as my children always try their very best then I am happy and of course proud of whatever they acheive.

I have worked for a few that have claimed to be -i'm afraid I have seen very little evidence of funds being used charitably most seems to go on cosmetics - anything to make the schools look more attractive to potential applicants and very little sharing of facilities with local communities unfortunately. I have been in position of qualifying for very large discounts but afraid to say so far nothing would persuade me to move my children from their existing schools (state sector primaries and secondary) where they have been taught in varying size classes with committed ,highly qualified, caring and experienced staff, good resources and an unbeatable sense of community. none of them had to do any selection tests but were welcomed into their schools and made to feel they had the right to be there. i do have sympathy for those who feel for what ever reason they must subject their children to such rigorous selection at such an early age though.

I went to an independent boarding school (scholarship - big problems at home and it was an extreme solution rather than the family norm) and actually most independent schools have charitable status. It's a loop-hole in the law that allows them to be registered as charities even though they are, in fact, private businesses. Our school used to get butter from the European Butter Mountain because of its 'charitable status'. We used to snort with laughter at breakfast when they brought out the plain white packets with "For Non-Profitmaking Organisations" on them. When they were fleecing the parents for thousands. Charity my ***

Assessment interviews for 4 years olds? Has the WORLD GONE MAD? Why would anyone choose to put their child through that?

That's just one of the reasons private education stinks. I care about other people's children as well as my own, which is why I would never send my child to a public school. I want all the children in my local community to have the same educational opportunities and not miss out because by quirk of birth, their parents can't afford school fees. If the private education sector didn't exist, state schools would be better - all those middle class overachievers would demand it!

my darling brother was no great shakes accademically at this age would never have passed any assessments (gorgeous as he was/is)but now aged 37 he has an MSc from Imperial and is a very successful exploation geologist.Please do not decide aged 4 that your ds is "not bright" boys especially often do not come into their own until they are older.
My ds1 was would never co operate at this age but haas passed into a selective secondary school.Give him time!!

root - I think your heart's in the right place but I have to disagree. I don't believe you can guarantee equality of educational opportunity by insisting everyone goes to the same school. I have 3 sons at a state primary school. I too would like to see a level playing field, but I am acutely aware that I am giving my own children an educational advantage by supporting them at home. I do not have the time to do the same for all the children whose parents do not support their children's education, even if I felt it was my duty as a SAHM to mop up all the problems of society unpaid (I do some buddy reading, but that's the tip of a very large iceberg.) I don't believe that closing all the private schools would cause all the middle class pushy parents to push harder and so improve their local school - they'd probably just go down the tutoring route (I suspect even the most extreme totalitarian regime would have trouble stamping that out).

'I am having to face the fact that he really isn't very bright.'

I guess being a nice person and having good health aren't enough anymore.

What a shame.

My dd is 5.5, she cannot yet read and her writing leaves a lot to be desired! She shows no musical aptitude whatsoever. I'm thinking of getting her adopted I'm so ashamed!

As the instigator of a previous 'disappointed' thread, I just want to add a few words of support here for Trice. Some contributors to that previous thread (MotherInferior and ScummyMummy come to mind) articulated this perfectly, but I'll try again imperfectly.

Some of us (Expat clearly excluded!) come to parenting with a heap of ill-formed, unacknowledged and probably inappropriate expectations. Good parenting is about challenging and adjusting those expectations, however difficult that may be. For parents whose careers and interests have been built on academic success, parenting a child who is unlikely to enjoy similar academic success may be an adjustment. We have to accept, at an emotional level, that our children will find their own way through the world and will enjoy success that is different but no less meaningful. That can be a tough leap. We also have to accept that we may not connect with a children in the way that we might have imagined e.g. through a shared love of books, but in a different way. Again a tough leap.

This will be the first of only very many adjustments - nothing compared to the day my DD1 moves to Texas, embraces the Moral Majority and campaigns for the NRA - that parenting will bring.

DD1 failed her assessment at 3 for a selective school and is now pottering along very happily in the middle of the class at a non-selective school. Frankly I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to make this adjustment so early on (even if DD1 turns out to defeat my adjusted expectations!) and I'm very grateful to Mnet for being there so that I can share this stuff with a bunch of disembodied mothers rather than run even the smallest risk of sharing any part of it with my DDs.

Thanks for your sympathy gillyflower, but I do not want or need it and neither do my daughters.

LOL at the thought that a chat about some books with a couple of very nice teachers is 'rigorous selection'.

Root - in your ideal world all the middle class overachievers would simply leave the country.

Well said, Issymum! And agree whole heartedly.

Passionflower - part of the reason I DID leave the country, was to get my children into the egalitarian French education system.

Britain is such a long way from the root's (and my) ideal, that Im not going to sacrifice my own children to help reach it.

Leaving the country isn't an option for most of us, actually, and I am very pleased to have the option of a good state primary near me (which I fully realise is not available to everyone).

I do feel rather glum, though, that as Hallgerda points out so much of the other stuff contributing to 'education' - especially in the early years where according to People Who Know About This Sort Of Stuff it's the - gulp - home environment that counts - isn't there for all children. And no, I'm not even helping with reading in school.

Thanks for that post, Issy. Spot on.

Leaving the country or even home education. Some of the local state schools in my London area are more concerned about students not bringing knives into school than education per se. My car was vandalised by students in uniform. root, I'm all for upholding personal principles but ... not at the risk of my dd getting hurt.

That's the point though, isn't it? The egalitarian ideal requires sacrifice from many and not everyone is in a position to leave the country as you have done, neither is sacrificing their children to their ideals an option. Banning private education will not create this so called ideal. It will merely mean that government funding is further stretched.

I'm from Texas. In fact, another 30 million people are as well. Well, there are 30m living there now, probably a lot more from there.

And believe it or, we're not all gun-toting, NRA-supporting, Bush-loving conservatives. Many don't even speak English. My own father didn't until he went to primary school.

It's actually an incredibly multi-cultural place, particularly in Houston, where I was born to an academically high-achieving father who has enjoyed a great deal of financial success in his career.

Believe you me, he still scratches his head and wonders how he fathered such radically liberal progency as myself. He used to joke that if I were any more to the left I'd slide off into the Pacific Ocean.

Thankfully, however, despite his political conservatism, his 'expectations' for his children involved only their pursuit of happiness however they saw fit, so long as it was within the realms of law and order and regardless of anything society regards as achievement.

I'm eternally grateful to both him and my mother, b/c thanks to them, I know I'll never be disappointed in my daughters so long as I know they are happy.

Even if they decide to move to Texas . . .

passionflower, I personally would go a lot further than banning private schools to create a classless society in Britain...

vive la republique!