I am disappointed with my own child

[trice]

I took ds to his assessment interview yesterday for a lovely (but selective) school which we would like him to go to. He failed miserably to do most of the tasks set so I suspect that he won't get in. I am having to face the fact that he really isn't very bright.

I feel terrible about this. I hate the fact that this assessment has made me dissapointed with my own beautiful boy. It really makes me realize what assessment is doing to all out kids. How can you fail when you are four? I don't want to have my expectations for him lowered. I have always thought that he was a very special little boy. It really hurts that he is not special enough.

[expatinscotland]

'I didn't even know there were schools out there giving selection tests for four year olds '

Sad, isn't it?

[WigWamBam]

He IS special - he is your little boy, you love him, he has his own gifts that may have nothing to do with anything academic but which make him special in his own right. Your love for him isn't based on his academic achievements, and nor should it be, so it would be a shame to deny the fact that he's special based on his academic successes.

Academically, all you can ask of any child is that he works to the best of his ability - and it shouldn't matter what level of ability he has, just that he tries. But he's 4, and it's more important that he develops emotionally, physically, and blossoms into the special human being that he is.

[ScummyMummy]

It is hard, all this stuff. I deal with it by living in a bubble in which my kids are self evidently the best, brightest and most beautiful in every respect (except I don't admit it because i don't want to seem big headed plus I fully expect every other parent to feel the same way about their own kids and thus disbelieve me.). If any evidence tells me otherwise I disbelieve it and passively aggressively brush it under the carpet until other evidence has come along to prove me right. Which is probably no better than worrying myself sick, really, but seems to work for me.

[shrub]

the chinese symbol for 'crisis' is also the same symbol for the word 'opportunity'. we had to take our ds1 out of a fee paying school last year as having 3 children we just couldn't afford it. I was devestated at the time sobbing in the car for the last few weeks he was there feeling we had failed him. a year later he is at a lovely village primary school enjoying every moment, it is more structured but he seems to thrive in this system to the point that during the holidays he wants to know how long does he have to wait until school starts! even if we had the money we still wouldn't put him back in his old school but if only the person i am now could have talked to the the wailing mum in the car i could have stopped so much sadness and worry. they are only tiny once, being 4 years old surely should be about playing, there is plenty of time to pass tests when he's older. sounds like you both need a treat to get over this xx

[TinyGang]

Good post Piffle. I so agree about to many expectations on young children from an early age. Also, I think we do send our children into FT education too soon in this country.

[Enid]

I think that is a great way to be scummy. I am exactly the same most of the time which is why it was such a shock at how disappointed I felt. Still, another demon dealt with

[MrsBigD]

trice

being disappointed that he might not get into the school you want him too is normal and does not necessarily mean you're disappointed with him?

Also the thought of dd (4.1) having to go through an assessment test just makes me smirk. Good luck to anybody trying to make her do something she doesn't want to at that moment in time... maybe your ds is the same... don't know what the tests were but lets say sorting things by shape and colour... dd can do it... if and when SHE wants to do it iykwim

I'm certain your ds is a special lovely little boy and academic intelligence isn't all what it's made out to be either.

My brother is an academic genius whereas I was always a 'c' student... but nowadays guess who's got more common sense and better abilities to cope with life

[spacedonkey]

Just because he has "failed" this selection test, doesn't mean he won't turn out to be an academic genius one day. And if he's not, he'll be a genius in some other way. Academic prowess is vastly overrated in this country.

[Blu]

I went to a selective school at 4. At 2ndry level, it was a (now extinct) Direct grant School , which meant that two-thirds of the places were paid for by the LEA, dependent on results from the 11 plus. But if you had been there since 4 there was no further selection. And while some of us got scholarship places, many, having been selected at 4, floundered very badly, from 9 and up. Some had to be miserably removed to less academic schools at some stage (for their own peace of mind - no one was chucked out), some stayed and got no 'O' levels, amongst very academically able. One was my best friend - fantastic personality, kind and sensitive, excellent at art, but the experience demoralised her horribly and she was left feeling a complete and utter failure. And all because her parents wanted the cache of a 'good school', and she had been selected at 4. Other people, turned down at 4, got scholarships at 11, having done brilliantly at their state schools.

[giddy1]

Message deleted

[bosscat]

honestly if ds1 had to sit a test now at aged 4 he would probably not do well. he is rubbish at doing his name compared to lots of others in nursery, he just can't be bothered to sit still and try. I could sit there and try and make him but I don't. at 4 they should be playing and chattering and just being "children". I hope that doesn't sound too simplistic but tests at 4, honestly.

[bosscat]

I don't know the answer scientifically to that one giddy but I have always felt instinctively that to be the case.

[Marina]

Scumster, you should write book. Bubble-headed parenting! What fab advice
trice, there are great schools out there which are not selective, if you are convinced the independent sector is your preference.
Ds' independent school is non-selective academically and his "interview" consisted of faffing around with plasticine. No matter what their "academic ability", all children are equal contributors to the community there, and that also applies to all state primaries.
Others have said it - your son is too special to be categorised at four. Don't feel down, either about his assessment result, or your response to it. You will find the right school for him and he will shine, because all children have special things to share with others.

[mixed]

well, reminds me of Issymum's thread a few days ago.
As both DH and I are medics I sort of expect ds and dd to be "bright". However, I wouldn't even attempt them to sit an "assessment", sure ds would have failed miserable.
Quite happy for ds to go to local village school.
Ds loves it, always talks about how he enjoys playing football and playing with lego. What more do you want a five year old to do????

[3princesses]

My dd3 started in reception in January, and has the same teacher as dd1 and dd2 had. Both older girls are top-few-in-class high achievers, so both the teacher and I were surprised when dd3 just didn't seem to be 'getting' it at all. Reading...? hmmm, still on the books with no words at Christmas. Writing? Familiar names only. And yes, I was disappointed and felt that there must be some mistake that she's in the bottom group in her class (with the really naughty child, and the one who has perpertual nits). But the absolute bottom-line truth, if it comes to this sort of dissection of skills, is that she is the most naturally happy, sociable, mature and well-adjusted of the 3. And I reckon that, once we make ourselves step away from this marks-on-paper approach, is what really matters, and is the best indicator of their future happiness and success.

[Elibean]

Selection at 4?!? I'm so naive, I had no idea that even existed. Ugh. Its a set up for children and parents to feel bad, that, IMO.

Expat, I love your definition of bright - couldn't agree more. And Enid, I suspect I have similar demons (though I ended up the underachiever of the family via rebellion) I'll come looking for your wisdom when its my turn to challenge them!

Trice, give yourself and your lad a hug - he may or may not turn out to be academic, but I'll be you anything you like he's bright and special.

[frogs]

Trice, maybe he felt he had more interesting things to do than whatever test the school put in front of him?

My 24-month dd2 is downright behind in the language-learning department. At her most recent GPs assessment I was told that she probably wouldn't be as intelligent as my oldest dd. I think that's outrageous! She's gorgeous, funny, sharp as a bag of tacks and a much better show-off and people-manipulator than my older two. And I bet your ds has all sorts of fab qualities that will set him apart from all the over-tutored little people-pleasers who had nothing better to do than jump through the arbitrary hoops the school set for them.

And as others have said, selection at 4 is not only wrong in principle, it is v. unreliable. I had a meeting last week with the head of a (non-selective) prep school we're considering for dd2, and she mentioned that she had a steady trickle of children applying for places at 7 after being pressured out of other so-called more academic schools. So that would be the same children these schools 'selected' at 4, then...

[Elibean]

'bet you', obviously

[Bink]

Interesting, frogs, about the "deselections".

I wish I knew what it was these schools were really looking for. I am not at all sure it is true academic ability - I think it may well be just a compliant-but-independent learning style - ie child can be relied on to listen & follow instructions & do its worksheet & colour within the lines & remember its link folder. Which is perfectly nice enough but not about ability.

trice, when do you hear?

[Marina]

frogs, ds' school has a big influx of children squeezed out of local preps at 7 too.
Not to mention a few refuseniks who DID the selections, had their kids pass them, but changed their minds on the back of their experience.
One parent we know was rung at home and told "There's some mistake. Your dd passed the assessment. You seem to have turned the place down. People don't do that."

[frogs]

Agree, bink(ie).

I think they're looking for children with a particular mixture of confidence and compliance, which will make them easy to teach, rather than being a reliable indicator of intellectual potential. So out go cautious children who like to assess a situation from all angles before piling in, or thoughful children whose complicated take on the world makes them faff around endlessly before being able to start an activity, or independent-minded children who like to follow their own interests rather than jumping through hoops. And definitely no space for square pegs, or stroppy customers, or the dreamers who are off in their own little worlds.

[GDG]

Tbh, selecting children like this at 4 years old makes me feel physically sick. It's disgusting and it's wrong imo. Failed at 4. SHeesh.

[Dinosaur]

trice, if it's any consolation, my DS1 (now 6.5) would emphatically not have passed any silly selection tests at the age of four. But he's thriving quite happily at his mainstream state school and has now been put in the "gifted and talented" group.

[Mercy]

Frogs - fab post

[Bink]

Yes - beautifully put, frogs.