I am disappointed with my own child

[trice]

I took ds to his assessment interview yesterday for a lovely (but selective) school which we would like him to go to. He failed miserably to do most of the tasks set so I suspect that he won't get in. I am having to face the fact that he really isn't very bright.

I feel terrible about this. I hate the fact that this assessment has made me dissapointed with my own beautiful boy. It really makes me realize what assessment is doing to all out kids. How can you fail when you are four? I don't want to have my expectations for him lowered. I have always thought that he was a very special little boy. It really hurts that he is not special enough.

[Sakura]

HI trice,

Academic ability and innate intelligence are nowhere near hand in hand. Sometimes kids who are not quite bright are just good at school.
Im a firm believer that every child has its niche, thats why its good to get them to try different hobbies and things to see where they shine.<br /> Im pregnant with my first child but I teach children and have 4 younger brothers. The spectrum of what makes an intelligent, bright child is so broad.
Some examples; One of my brothers is severely dyslexic and has only 3 GSCEs and yet competes internationally in ballroom dancing. He is highly talented, and is also very good at golf and snooker. Thats just the way his brain works.
A child in one of my classes (who I suspect has an attention disorder), is really a pain in the neck because he doesnt concentrate at ALL. I cranked up the level of the class one day to see what would happen and it turns out hes the most intelligent kid by far.

[gillyflower]

Haven't posted on this thread for a while and must say that as Passionflower is in an 11+ area her children do deserve some sympathy!
what will be interesting is to see what happens in her school when her children reach 11! The grammars will cream off those from state and indep schoolsand those who decide to continue in the indep sector are then joined by children who didn't make the grade and who's self esteem has been damaged by that process. For some reason (can't think why!) the indep sector is then more lenient about who they let in - still testing but poss letting in a wider ability band than they did at 4.
lets face it though education in this country is a round of tests but the one that rejects a child at 4 is potentially quite damaging. I also think that those who do make the grade are sometimes "damaged" by that feeling of smugness and subsequent inability to deal with failure. So don't test - put your child in a school which will welcome them and value them for who they are and enable them to learn to deal with people from all walks of life because one day they are going to have to do that anyway, it's good tostart early!

[Bink]

Earlybird you're a dear

• funnily enough I'm all sanguine and rational about it for me - just as you say, clearly not the right place for him right now ... it's just I feel for him and as if his sweet eager keen-ness has been somehow taken advantage of (and, um, maybe by me). Parenting, huh. "Wry smile" (as ds himself would say).

[Earlybird]

Ohhh Bink. I'm sorry. I read your message awhile ago, and don't know that to say other than that. Wish it could be different, but I guess the point is that you/he will find a different path that will be better suited to him. It's just hard dealing with the here and now which seems so disappointing and real, rather than the nebulous you-know-it-will-be-fine future. Just know that it's not a failure, but rather a clear indicator that it wasn't the right place for your ds.

Will be thinking of you as you search for the right words to tell your ds.

[Bink]

fairyjay, thank you for that, that was kind

[Passionflower]

Nightynight - I'll shall keep an eye out for madame guillotine!

[fairyjay]

Bink
Maybe they couldn't offer him what such a fantastic kid obviously needs!

[Bink]

Issymum, what a very sensible point about making sure these anxieties are shared with anyone but your DDs.

So - I am racking myself a bit over having just put ds (who's 6) through a fiendishly competitive assessment (which he didn't get through, of course). I haven't broken it to him yet and need to work out how to do it in a way that leaves his lovely bounce and zest undented - he really did his best, and as a serial exam-passer myself I have no idea how it affects you to be told you haven't made the grade on something you put your heart into.

By the way, this isn't at all about my being disappointed in him - it's about feeling heartache at that sweet eager bright-eyed boy I collected from the test, and wanting him never to feel disappointed in himself.

[Nightynight]

passionflower, I personally would go a lot further than banning private schools to create a classless society in Britain...

vive la republique!

[expatinscotland]

I'm from Texas. In fact, another 30 million people are as well. Well, there are 30m living there now, probably a lot more from there.

And believe it or, we're not all gun-toting, NRA-supporting, Bush-loving conservatives. Many don't even speak English. My own father didn't until he went to primary school.

It's actually an incredibly multi-cultural place, particularly in Houston, where I was born to an academically high-achieving father who has enjoyed a great deal of financial success in his career.

Believe you me, he still scratches his head and wonders how he fathered such radically liberal progency as myself. He used to joke that if I were any more to the left I'd slide off into the Pacific Ocean.

Thankfully, however, despite his political conservatism, his 'expectations' for his children involved only their pursuit of happiness however they saw fit, so long as it was within the realms of law and order and regardless of anything society regards as achievement.

I'm eternally grateful to both him and my mother, b/c thanks to them, I know I'll never be disappointed in my daughters so long as I know they are happy.

Even if they decide to move to Texas . . .

[Passionflower]

That's the point though, isn't it? The egalitarian ideal requires sacrifice from many and not everyone is in a position to leave the country as you have done, neither is sacrificing their children to their ideals an option. Banning private education will not create this so called ideal. It will merely mean that government funding is further stretched.

[blueshoes]

Thanks for that post, Issy. Spot on.

Leaving the country or even home education. Some of the local state schools in my London area are more concerned about students not bringing knives into school than education per se. My car was vandalised by students in uniform. root, I'm all for upholding personal principles but ... not at the risk of my dd getting hurt.

[motherinferior]

Leaving the country isn't an option for most of us, actually, and I am very pleased to have the option of a good state primary near me (which I fully realise is not available to everyone).

I do feel rather glum, though, that as Hallgerda points out so much of the other stuff contributing to 'education' - especially in the early years where according to People Who Know About This Sort Of Stuff it's the - gulp - home environment that counts - isn't there for all children. And no, I'm not even helping with reading in school.

[Nightynight]

Passionflower - part of the reason I DID leave the country, was to get my children into the egalitarian French education system.

Britain is such a long way from the root's (and my) ideal, that Im not going to sacrifice my own children to help reach it.

[singersgirl]

Well said, Issymum! And agree whole heartedly.

[Passionflower]

Thanks for your sympathy gillyflower, but I do not want or need it and neither do my daughters.

LOL at the thought that a chat about some books with a couple of very nice teachers is 'rigorous selection'.

Root - in your ideal world all the middle class overachievers would simply leave the country.

[Issymum]

As the instigator of a previous 'disappointed' thread, I just want to add a few words of support here for Trice. Some contributors to that previous thread (MotherInferior and ScummyMummy come to mind) articulated this perfectly, but I'll try again imperfectly.

Some of us (Expat clearly excluded!) come to parenting with a heap of ill-formed, unacknowledged and probably inappropriate expectations. Good parenting is about challenging and adjusting those expectations, however difficult that may be. For parents whose careers and interests have been built on academic success, parenting a child who is unlikely to enjoy similar academic success may be an adjustment. We have to accept, at an emotional level, that our children will find their own way through the world and will enjoy success that is different but no less meaningful. That can be a tough leap. We also have to accept that we may not connect with a children in the way that we might have imagined e.g. through a shared love of books, but in a different way. Again a tough leap.

This will be the first of only very many adjustments - nothing compared to the day my DD1 moves to Texas, embraces the Moral Majority and campaigns for the NRA - that parenting will bring.

DD1 failed her assessment at 3 for a selective school and is now pottering along very happily in the middle of the class at a non-selective school. Frankly I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to make this adjustment so early on (even if DD1 turns out to defeat my adjusted expectations!) and I'm very grateful to Mnet for being there so that I can share this stuff with a bunch of disembodied mothers rather than run even the smallest risk of sharing any part of it with my DDs.

[Rhubarb]

My dd is 5.5, she cannot yet read and her writing leaves a lot to be desired! She shows no musical aptitude whatsoever. I'm thinking of getting her adopted I'm so ashamed!

[expatinscotland]

'I am having to face the fact that he really isn't very bright.'

I guess being a nice person and having good health aren't enough anymore.

What a shame.

[Hallgerda]

root - I think your heart's in the right place but I have to disagree. I don't believe you can guarantee equality of educational opportunity by insisting everyone goes to the same school. I have 3 sons at a state primary school. I too would like to see a level playing field, but I am acutely aware that I am giving my own children an educational advantage by supporting them at home. I do not have the time to do the same for all the children whose parents do not support their children's education, even if I felt it was my duty as a SAHM to mop up all the problems of society unpaid (I do some buddy reading, but that's the tip of a very large iceberg.) I don't believe that closing all the private schools would cause all the middle class pushy parents to push harder and so improve their local school - they'd probably just go down the tutoring route (I suspect even the most extreme totalitarian regime would have trouble stamping that out).

[Philly]

my darling brother was no great shakes accademically at this age would never have passed any assessments (gorgeous as he was/is)but now aged 37 he has an MSc from Imperial and is a very successful exploation geologist.Please do not decide aged 4 that your ds is "not bright" boys especially often do not come into their own until they are older.
My ds1 was would never co operate at this age but haas passed into a selective secondary school.Give him time!!

[root]

Assessment interviews for 4 years olds? Has the WORLD GONE MAD? Why would anyone choose to put their child through that?

That's just one of the reasons private education stinks. I care about other people's children as well as my own, which is why I would never send my child to a public school. I want all the children in my local community to have the same educational opportunities and not miss out because by quirk of birth, their parents can't afford school fees. If the private education sector didn't exist, state schools would be better - all those middle class overachievers would demand it!

[Meanoldmummy]

I went to an independent boarding school (scholarship - big problems at home and it was an extreme solution rather than the family norm) and actually most independent schools have charitable status. It's a loop-hole in the law that allows them to be registered as charities even though they are, in fact, private businesses. Our school used to get butter from the European Butter Mountain because of its 'charitable status'. We used to snort with laughter at breakfast when they brought out the plain white packets with "For Non-Profitmaking Organisations" on them. When they were fleecing the parents for thousands. Charity my ***

[gillyflower]

I have worked for a few that have claimed to be -i'm afraid I have seen very little evidence of funds being used charitably most seems to go on cosmetics - anything to make the schools look more attractive to potential applicants and very little sharing of facilities with local communities unfortunately. I have been in position of qualifying for very large discounts but afraid to say so far nothing would persuade me to move my children from their existing schools (state sector primaries and secondary) where they have been taught in varying size classes with committed ,highly qualified, caring and experienced staff, good resources and an unbeatable sense of community. none of them had to do any selection tests but were welcomed into their schools and made to feel they had the right to be there. i do have sympathy for those who feel for what ever reason they must subject their children to such rigorous selection at such an early age though.