I am disappointed with my own child

[trice]

I took ds to his assessment interview yesterday for a lovely (but selective) school which we would like him to go to. He failed miserably to do most of the tasks set so I suspect that he won't get in. I am having to face the fact that he really isn't very bright.

I feel terrible about this. I hate the fact that this assessment has made me dissapointed with my own beautiful boy. It really makes me realize what assessment is doing to all out kids. How can you fail when you are four? I don't want to have my expectations for him lowered. I have always thought that he was a very special little boy. It really hurts that he is not special enough.

[Bink]

Issymum, what a very sensible point about making sure these anxieties are shared with anyone but your DDs.

So - I am racking myself a bit over having just put ds (who's 6) through a fiendishly competitive assessment (which he didn't get through, of course). I haven't broken it to him yet and need to work out how to do it in a way that leaves his lovely bounce and zest undented - he really did his best, and as a serial exam-passer myself I have no idea how it affects you to be told you haven't made the grade on something you put your heart into.

By the way, this isn't at all about my being disappointed in him - it's about feeling heartache at that sweet eager bright-eyed boy I collected from the test, and wanting him never to feel disappointed in himself.

[fairyjay]

Bink
Maybe they couldn't offer him what such a fantastic kid obviously needs!

[Passionflower]

Nightynight - I'll shall keep an eye out for madame guillotine!

[Bink]

fairyjay, thank you for that, that was kind

[Earlybird]

Ohhh Bink. I'm sorry. I read your message awhile ago, and don't know that to say other than that. Wish it could be different, but I guess the point is that you/he will find a different path that will be better suited to him. It's just hard dealing with the here and now which seems so disappointing and real, rather than the nebulous you-know-it-will-be-fine future. Just know that it's not a failure, but rather a clear indicator that it wasn't the right place for your ds.

Will be thinking of you as you search for the right words to tell your ds.

[Bink]

Earlybird you're a dear

• funnily enough I'm all sanguine and rational about it for me - just as you say, clearly not the right place for him right now ... it's just I feel for him and as if his sweet eager keen-ness has been somehow taken advantage of (and, um, maybe by me). Parenting, huh. "Wry smile" (as ds himself would say).

[gillyflower]

Haven't posted on this thread for a while and must say that as Passionflower is in an 11+ area her children do deserve some sympathy!
what will be interesting is to see what happens in her school when her children reach 11! The grammars will cream off those from state and indep schoolsand those who decide to continue in the indep sector are then joined by children who didn't make the grade and who's self esteem has been damaged by that process. For some reason (can't think why!) the indep sector is then more lenient about who they let in - still testing but poss letting in a wider ability band than they did at 4.
lets face it though education in this country is a round of tests but the one that rejects a child at 4 is potentially quite damaging. I also think that those who do make the grade are sometimes "damaged" by that feeling of smugness and subsequent inability to deal with failure. So don't test - put your child in a school which will welcome them and value them for who they are and enable them to learn to deal with people from all walks of life because one day they are going to have to do that anyway, it's good tostart early!

[Sakura]

HI trice,

Academic ability and innate intelligence are nowhere near hand in hand. Sometimes kids who are not quite bright are just good at school.
Im a firm believer that every child has its niche, thats why its good to get them to try different hobbies and things to see where they shine.<br /> Im pregnant with my first child but I teach children and have 4 younger brothers. The spectrum of what makes an intelligent, bright child is so broad.
Some examples; One of my brothers is severely dyslexic and has only 3 GSCEs and yet competes internationally in ballroom dancing. He is highly talented, and is also very good at golf and snooker. Thats just the way his brain works.
A child in one of my classes (who I suspect has an attention disorder), is really a pain in the neck because he doesnt concentrate at ALL. I cranked up the level of the class one day to see what would happen and it turns out hes the most intelligent kid by far.