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Original poster

I am disappointed with my own child

133 replies

trice · 24/01/2006 10:29

I took ds to his assessment interview yesterday for a lovely (but selective) school which we would like him to go to. He failed miserably to do most of the tasks set so I suspect that he won't get in. I am having to face the fact that he really isn't very bright.

I feel terrible about this. I hate the fact that this assessment has made me dissapointed with my own beautiful boy. It really makes me realize what assessment is doing to all out kids. How can you fail when you are four? I don't want to have my expectations for him lowered. I have always thought that he was a very special little boy. It really hurts that he is not special enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
trice · 24/01/2006 11:55

Thanks everyone.

I love him to bits and I have always been really proud of him. I think it is more my pride that is hurt than anything. I know he is brilliant , it is just not nice when someone else can't see that. If only the stupid test had involved identifying dinosaurs - he would have aced it.

He is going to be gutted if he can't go to this silly selective school - it really is a nice place and the reception teacher is a good friend of mine.

OP posts:
Blu · 24/01/2006 11:57

Way to go, Trice

GDG · 24/01/2006 12:03

Identifying dinosaurs?! What?!

Original poster
trice · 24/01/2006 12:27

if all children have a special talent - the talent of ds (his party piece) is that he can recognise and name more than 40 different dinosaurs. I suspect that he is on the autistic spectrum and he has a major dino obsession but is unable to draw a circle with a pencil or make anything out of playdough.

OP posts:
Dinosaur · 24/01/2006 12:31

trice - my DS1 is on the autistic spectrum.

Nightynight · 24/01/2006 12:46

trice - surely at this age, it depends what the child has spent time doing?

I wouldnt bet on any of my children being able to draw a circle or make anything out of playdough at 4 years old, because we weren't into playdough or drawing circles.
ds1 could draw a Reliant Robin though (dx had one at the time!)

Like others, Im shocked that a school could be setting ANY sort of academic selection for a 4 year old tbh.
You'll be looking back and laughing about this one day, when he graduates from Oxford!

fennel · 24/01/2006 13:04

check out this thread

it's about disappointment in children's academic prowess at infant age.

disappointed thread

now, if my dds were to be examined in playdough prowess they would really shine. shame that school doesn't rank them on that rather than reading, writing, numeracy and other such rubbish

Rhubarb · 24/01/2006 13:04

I have managed to keep off this thread so far, but I can bear it no longer!

The title is bloody awful! Sorry but it is! How can you be disappointed in your own child???? He is 4 years old ffs! He'll pick up on your feelings and it won't do anything for his self-confidence!

Personally I would not take my child anywhere near a school that selects them at this age, it's far too much pressure for a small child. We all have expectations of our children I guess, we all want what is best for them, but surely this is just pushing it a little too far?

Your child will not be this age forever? Instead of worrying about his short-comings, why not celebrate what he can achieve? Be thankful for his individuality. No matter how bright he is or is not, if you tell him over and over again that he can achieve anything he wants to, that he can be anyone he wants to be, if you give him unconditional love, encouragement, support and praise, then he will succeed in ways others never will. Make the most of his childhood, because all too soon he'll be grown up and you'll realise that you spent all those precious years worrying about his academic results!

There is more to life than cleverness. Kindness, generosity, understanding, empathy to name but a few. These are the kinds of gifts you want to impart to your child, they are far more important than intellect.

ggglimpopo · 24/01/2006 13:27

Message withdrawn

beejay · 24/01/2006 13:28

Well put Rhubarb.
I reckon they should ban selection at 4. It is patently ridiculous.

Enid · 24/01/2006 13:29

chill out rhubarb

I've been there and it doesnt make you crap, just makes you readjust your expectations.

Rhubarb · 24/01/2006 13:30

Sorry, but the title "I am disappointed with my own child" just kinda did it for me! If she's disappointed when he's only 4, just think how she's gonna feel when he hits 16!

Enid · 24/01/2006 13:32

not necessarily

edam · 24/01/2006 13:50

This assessment doesn't mean your ds isn't bright. It means that assessment didn't particularly interest him or focus on skills that he has developed. It certainly doesn't mean he isn't special!

The point mentioned about adults sometimes asking questions that don't make sense to or engage very young children (or even older ones) is very true. As a trivial example, my mother still burns with indignation that I lost one mark at my pre-school asssessment because the man asked 'how many fingers do you have' and I thought about it and said eight. Because I knew about thumbs. But got marked down because the 'right' answer was 10.

I'm 30- and this still tees her off all those years later!

blueshoes · 24/01/2006 13:50

selection at 4 - well, one very popular many-times-over-subscribed prep school in my area has selection for their nursery as early as 2.5. Yes, 10 tasks and all that jazz. Getting in was described as a lottery. And that is what it is. At that age, whether 2.5 or 4, only a very specific type of child will perform to order: one with not only the ability to recognise colours etc (many are coached before their time), but also the temperament to not be spooked by a bunch of strangers in an unfamiliar setting, and the inclination to perform. Along the lines of what Bink wrote, those schools are picking and choosing children who will make the teacher's job easy in ensuring that school stays at the top of the league tables - which is the wrong school for anything other than a naturally academic child who is an early bloomer with a compliant personality - grrrrrrr.

At that age, Einstein was thought to be retarded. And he did not talk.

Trice, your ds IS special. He will runs rings around the school. And if he is not selected (you don't know the results yet), it is in all likelihood not the right school for him at this time of his life, if ever. Their loss - I really believe that.

Blu · 24/01/2006 13:51

LOL ggg (but I hope he wasn't shooting peregrine falcons )

DS 'failed' his two-year check. When asked to name simple items, he apparantly absolutely did not never ever recognise 'doll'.

When DS asked him later why he didn't tell the lady it was a doll, he said "because it had spooky eyes and it was staring at me, and the lady already knew it was a doll".

He 'failed' his 'Child of the 21stC 'test' - asked at 3 to identify shapes, he couldn't point to the cylinder. When the woman said afterwards 'that's the cylinder', he spat out 'that's a TUBE' with maximum contempt and indignation.

Testing children on anything 'aquired' like knowledge, is a very very inexact science, it seems to me.

Enid · 24/01/2006 13:51

ah thats a nice post blueshoes

blueshoes · 24/01/2006 14:03

shucks, thanks, Enid

Passionflower · 24/01/2006 14:03

Ok, have been trying to refrain from this thread..

DD1 is at a selective primary, she was admitted following an interview type selection process. She was only 3.5 at the time and if she hadn't been to 'library sessions' at the school beforehand she wouldn't have said a word at the interview. She didn't know most of what was asked of her - yet was still offered a place. They were looking to see if she was still paying attention and trying after 20 mins. My point is you may be surprised at the result.

DD2 has just been offered a place at the same school but I did have to confront the fact that there was a possibilty she might have had to go to a different school. I have been telling myself all year that if she wasn't offered a place, then that school wasn't the right one for her and she would be happier and do better at the non-selective one.

It would never have entered my head to be disappointed in any of my children for something like this and it makes me feel really sad that you are thinking like this. Your son might yet be offered a place and even if he isn't then the school is not the right one for him. It is not the case that he isn't special enough or he has failed.

Sorry it's so long.

oliveoil · 24/01/2006 14:09

Blu - lol at contempt and indignation, my friend's child used to rudely imform people when they pointed out bridges that they were viaducts (Thomas fan).

I didn't realise they had assessments .

noddyholder · 24/01/2006 14:12

I have kept away from this too but agree completely with rhubarb

NotAPooEatingZebra · 24/01/2006 14:13

Some of the replies onthis thread seem quite harsh to me, trice, I hope you aren't upset by them.

I think that it's very hard not to sometimes be disappointed by our children. Just as one day they will almost certainly be bitterly disappointed by us as parents. Disappointment in your kids, knowing it's not "really important" but still how do you get over it, would be a really good talking point/thread on its own.

Bink · 24/01/2006 14:14

don't know if trice wants to say this for herself - but I'm pretty sure we are supposed to hear the title as sounding shocked & horrified. Ie, she is completely aware of how awful it is to describe yourself as being disappointed in your own child.

beejay · 24/01/2006 14:18

I don't think i have ever been dissapointed in my dd. Annoyed, cross, bored by her, but never disapointed. She's only 6!

Elibean · 24/01/2006 14:22

Yes, Bink, I read it like that too.

NotAPoo, what a great idea for a thread! Much better to sort that stuff out here than dump it on our kids - and maybe we could persuade said kids (when older) to dump their disappointed expectations about us on a similar site