Please, please, advice....we are at breaking point

[boredbuthappy]

DS is 11 months old and his inability to sleep at night is killing us. He has never, not once, slept more than 3-4 hours at a time without waking up crying for whatever reason. We have tried everything, literally everything that I have been able find out about. It's 10:40pm and he's already woken twice and is currently crying and I've decided I am not going in. I am going to let him cry until he just stops. This may be cruel, maybe not, I don't know. Please don't judge. We are so desperate for some sort of normal sleep that I'm prepared to reseort to anything. What I can't do is pay loads of money to a sleep consultant. I don't have it. Is there any service available to sort out babies' sleep that doesn't cost money? I find it hard to believe that it's seen as okay for parents (especially mothers) to go without healthy sleep for years and be expected to bee good parents. I am slowly slipping into a pace in my head that I can honestly say is not good. I don't want to end up hurting my child (emotionally or physically) because I have lost control because I haven't slept for more than 2 hours at a time for weeks at a time. It's got to the point that it is taking me 2-3 hours to fall asleep, only to be woken up over and over again all night long.

Controlled crying, tried it and he goes to sleep on his own at bedtime, but is up crying within a few hours. Have tried feeding in the middle of the night, water, more blanket, less blanket, cold room, warm room, porridge before bed, and (I am not even ashamed to admit it at this point) I have given him piriton to knock him out with no effect.

Our marriage is almost dead, we are too tired.

Most days I feel like a volcano about to explode.

What sleep training methods have you tried? You mention controlled crying but have you done it exactly as described in the book?

How does he go to sleep for his naps during the day?

I feel for you, I really do. We have been so lucky with DD as she has been a great sleeper right from the off, but when she does have a bad night I am so tired the next day, so you must be absoultely exhausted
Lack of sleep is no fun, so I understand your frustration.
Someone will hopefully be along with some good ideas/advice shortly. In the meantime, have you spoken to your HV about this?

We have done it exactly as described, and it was successful in the sense that he puts himself to sleep withing 10-15 mins of being in bed. For naps, it's the same thing, I kiss him, put him in his cot, and leave the room...asleep...

What it hasn't done it help him carry on sleeping. He is waking up, on the really bad nights, every 20-30 mins. If I pick him up (which I only do if he's hysterical), he'll be fine, so I know it's not pain. Recently we've been giving him a feed to see if it's hunger, but he doesn't drink much. The room is usually at 20C, and he's not dressly heavily, one layer of pyjamas and a light blanket. I've checked him when he's sleeping and his neck and chest always feel comfortably warm.

So sorry to hear that you are in this place. My DS was a shocker at sleeping and it took a whole lot of time to sort it out.

OK--you need a plan of action and some sleep.

Can you and your DH take the sleeping in shifts, or take turns to have some time off at weekends?
Who is about to give you a break in the day? Does your DS sleep in the day, so you sleep then? You need to get your reserves up so you can start to feel human again and tackle the problem.
Could you go to bed at 7pm for a few nights in a row, so at least you were getting 2/3 hours of sleep before the night wakings.
Can you co-sleep, would that help?
Is he teething?
Have you spoken to your GP/HV?

The only bit of "good"advice I have been given was from my SIL, who responded when I said "i have tried everything, and NOTHING works!" was to say, yes but Gapants, have you tried it on its own, and done it for a week consistently? She had a point...I would give water one night, then give in and BF the next. I was inconsistent with my approach and it took a while for me to hone the techniques I used, and did it the same for a good few nights. Children are very adaptable.

I liked this book and the case studies had me nodding my head and the techniques were varied, so I could sort of tailor a solution to my DS. I think there is a help line number too.

look here

Again, and so sorry that it is so shit. Be kind to yourself.

Do you work or are you a sahm? If its the latter, the first thing I would say, is leave the housework/chores and get yourself some sleep in the day when he has a nap.
Secondly, if possible, take it in turns with your partner at the weekends to have a lie in. (DH and I do this, and although I rarely get back to keep, it's still nice to relax in bed for a while)
Thirdly, have you tried co-sleeping? I never have, so I don't know the ins and outs, but if it gets you some much needed sleep?...

We do take sleeping in shifts already, we have a system set up. We alternate where one of us deals with the wakings and the other sleeps in another room with the door shut. The person who gets the solid sleep, then gets up with DS when he 'wakes for the day' and does morning duty or milk, breakfast nappy change etc, while the one who dealt with the wakings gets an extra hour or 2 of sleep. We've been doing this for at least 8 months...

There is no one around t help during the days, we have no family nearby or friends that re in a position to help out.

Have talked to GP and HV and neither had anything to suggest that I hadn't already tried. HV even told me I'd mad ea big mistake feeding him the night.

We can't keep this up. I am so angry, sad, depressed, tired all the time. We are both putting on a happy front infront of the baby because we don't want him to get wind of the fact that we'd both rather be sleeping than playing with him.

People who know us don't believe us when we tell them what our life is like. They don't even know the half of it.

I try to sleep in the day when I can, but it's really rare that he doesn't wake up just as I'm about to drift off, or shortly after. I'm having serious trouble falling asleep.

I've co-slept a handful of times, but it hasn't really made much difference. Suppose I could give it a go again, if it's going to work, there'll be a first time right?

By the way, by co-sleeping d you mean sleeping in the same bed, or in the same room?

What happens if he sleeps in with you? In your bed? I am afraid my DS1 was similar. I was an absolute sucker - couldn't have done controlled crying if my life depended on it. I had a single bed in his room and slept butted up to his cot with the side down for about the first 18 months or so. I always went to him when he cried. My husband pulled his hair out (and our sex life was clearly non-existent!). I worked full-time as well - God knows how I functioned, I can't imagine I was much use to anyone.
My best friend did used cc at the same - used to laugh like a drain at me for being so pathetic. HOWEVER - when it came to putting them into a bed and not a cot at 2 (he was now sleeping through the night without me in the room), my DS was sooo easy - never tried to get out of bed - hers slept on the landing every night. I couldn't help but think that this cc resulted in a bit of 'lost trust'. But that's just me.
I do feel for you - exhaustion is like the worst torture. Dont feel bad for trying Piriton - we've all tried it at some point! If you are happy he is not in pain you've just got to break the cycle somehow, whether you leave him to cry it out or snuggle him up with you so he feels safe, even if that's all night.
One last thing - could he be overtired? I found that if my kids didn't sleep well during the day, I got a bad night - do you ever wake him up from naps? Or do you just wait for him to wake up when he has slept enough? Hope it all settles down soon. These times can be sooo tough - you are doing a great job

Hi boredbuthappy
If you are using controlled crying at bedtime (and that works) why not use controlled crying when he wakes at night too?
I agree try one method and stick with it (cos he will pick up on your consistency).
It might take a week but if you are consistent with CC at bedtime and at night time I think he might get the idea?
It is frustrating when they wake up endlessly through the night (for apparently no reason) - perservere, it wont last forever!

For his daytime naps, have you tried letting him sleep on your lap? Rather than putting him up in his cot? I know it's not an ideal situation to get in to, but if he sleeps well and then you can drop off too, it would help for now...

I'm going to pull him into bed with me when he wakes again and see what happens.

Cakemixture, the problem with controlled crying for he night wakings is that he will fall asleep shortly after we've been in to check on him, but then wake up again half and hour later. It's mind bogging that he goes to sleep after babbling to himself for 10 mins for naps and bedtime, yet wakes all night long, for no reason at all, as far as we can tell. He wakes and cries, we wait to see if he goes quite, he doesn't and we go in and he is alseep withing minutes...we leave room and go back to sleep. Half hour to 2 hours later.....repeat.

Thank you ladies for reading my rant and for the co-sleeping suggestions. I'm going to try and put myself to sleep now....should've done earlier as it's my night for night duty, but I was too wired to get into bed. I'll let you know if being in bed with me made any difference.

You sound at the end of your tether- sympathy. Maybe you also need to think of something to help you: could you do some exercise, maybe Pilates or run or do something just to help you relax?

Did you tell the GP/HV just how bad you are feeling? Maybe go back?

And try some of the suggestions here- can't help much there, my dc is up most nights at three

We used a baby mozart cd for sleep,i know it sounds naff,but it worked!.i really feel for you ,as a mum of a 13yr old sn son,who is still only sleeping for a few hours a night(cd was crap for him),but worked a treat with the other two.
Failing that,get back to the docs and insist on a full check up with a pediatrician,as there could be something underlying with his health.

We used a baby mozart cd for sleep,i know it sounds naff,but it worked!.i really feel for you ,as a mum of a 13yr old sn son,who is still only sleeping for a few hours a night(cd was crap for him),but worked a treat with the other two.
Failing that,get back to the docs and insist on a full check up with a pediatrician,as there could be something underlying with his health.

hello.
I just want to say it does get better and to echo the co sleeping advice.
Sounds like there is no particular cause for your wee one's sleep difficulties so do what we did and take DS in beside you.
Your need for sleep is paramount.We did this with DS1 until he was 3. He is now 19 and has gone out clubbing. DS2 had no sleep problems and never wanted to come in with us.
Good luck and nighty night.

Oh I see boredbuthappy
hmm that is tricky

From my experience with my two then I would say being overtired (or not tired enough) may be a problem. My ds in particular was always more restless at night if he was overtired (still is now and he is 10) He is more restless at night when he isnt tired enough too!

How much is he sleeping in total during a 24 hour period? (maybe try a sleep, or lack of it diary)

Being permanantly exhausted is not fun :(

I wouldn't put him in the bed personally. If you've been doing controlled crying and getting him to sleep in the cot, to change things now might be confusing...

When he wakes up in the night, do you just put him back down and leave him after checking on him? I.e. like you would if putting him to bed at bedtime? Then basically starting controlled crying again? I realise it is harder in the night as you may be conscious of waking others up and the crying does sound louder when the rest of the world is asleep.

I would try to persevere with him going to bed in his own cot. I feel for you though x

You have my sympathy OP, my DS was exactly the same, his longest stretch of sleep was four hours for the first 4 years of his life. We were utter zombies. I cant suggest anything, we accepted it as normal life and muddled through sleeping at every oportunity, one going to bed very early and the other going to bed very late. He's was a terrible eater too, he drove me round the bend tbh. Hes now four n half, started sleeping through on his fourth birthday, all of a sudden 9ish until 7ish :) we are over the moon :) he is trying food again as well now too. Im sure someone has swapped him, we are so relieved we wont swap back though

All this is in vain though, DC3 is due in July, no doubt back to square one