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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

DS - 20mths- having a wobbly EVERY time I leave him at creche/nursery. Anyone?

30 replies

meggmoo · 18/01/2006 13:05

It breaks my heart every time I have to leave him. he wakes up and I tell him we're going to creche today and he is very excited and signs to me that he wants to go to play. We go to the building/s and he walks in quite happily. When I go to sign him in he goes loopy. Screaming and crying. It's making me desperately uphappy but I have no other option other than for him to be cared for in this way (no family or friends with kids) I have tried so many different approaches with him even considering not giving him breakfast so that he will be really hungry and possibly go to someone for food.

I am getting quite upset about it (after reading Steve Buddolph's book think that leaving ds for 8 hours a week is going to turn him into some kind of monster )

Some days when he is particularly upset I will sit with him for about 10 minutes andheis fine and runs off to find an activity and then I calmly tell him that I am going to go as I really don't feel it's a good idea to sneak off when he is not looking.

Ds has been like this for about 7 months. When I go to collect him he is very happy and sometimes so engrossed that he is not so keen to leave. I even considered giving the careworkers some chocolate to tempt him then, then thought better of that idea I even changed his nursery to another thinking that perhaps there was a person or child he didn't like in the previous one.

It puzzles me as when we are anywhere else (open spaces like the supermarket/leisure centre/park) he runs so quickly away from me and is not clingy at all, he bolts for england and can't wait to get rid of me???

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beasmum · 18/01/2006 13:25

This sounds like separation anxiety, pure and simple. It's something that kids of this age experience and it sounds like you have done all you can and that in fact he has settled well. I guess he just finds it very hard to separate from you. My son started nursery at three and the separation wasn't too bad, though he still cried for a good few weeks on my leaving - but it was hysterics as you describe.

don't agonise, if there's nowhere else for him to go then you have to stick with it! and his separation skills should be much better by the time he's three.

He's obviously enjoying himself while he's there!

beasmum · 18/01/2006 13:26

oops - WASN'T hysterics I meant to say!

Original poster

meggmoo · 18/01/2006 13:51

Yes Beasmum but, well you know 7 months of it is alot. I was determined to stick it out but it's wearing me down now, I'm even starting to feel sorry for the staff!

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Original poster

meggmoo · 18/01/2006 14:01

Any ideas?

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Enid · 18/01/2006 14:02

do you work?

Original poster

meggmoo · 18/01/2006 14:03

Yep. only PT

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beasmum · 18/01/2006 14:06

Have you spoken to the staff about their feelings on this? Have you asked them for ideas? maybe they have thoughts but are hesitant to make suggestions. I'd speak to the manager and get their thoughts.

Does he settle well and quickly for them when you are gone?

blueshoes · 18/01/2006 14:06

8 hours a week is not a lot - take what you like like from Steve Biddulph but his is just one view.

My dd is like your ds. She settles immediately after I leave - but she is a cuddly one generally. I wonder what other parents think because I seem to be the only one whose dd is still at this age making reluctant noises at the drop-off. It is so hard.

I think at the point when you are about to leave, their little minds suddenly focus on the fact that they are now not going to see you for hours. They then have an abrupt aboutturn. It is not the same as in an open space because they know they control when they want to see you again.

But once you are gone, the thought vanishes. And your ds is happy when you pick him up. I believe he is fine.

Original poster

meggmoo · 18/01/2006 14:12

Thank you.
The staff are so great there and do reassure me that he calms down some days as quickly as a minute after. They have even told me to wait by the door so I can hear this happen. He just looks so heart broken and it feels like I am putting him through such an ordeal (as we do it 3 times a week)

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jetlagdZebra · 18/01/2006 14:25

DS was the same, starting at around 18 months. It never got any better; they tried distracting him with toys, giving him special attention, he still wailed when we left him for the next 2 years. He was the same, too, about running away in parks, etc.

AFter we gave up on nursery he would tell anybody who asked how much he hated nursery, he wanted Mommy, etc.

Sorry to sound so negative, but it irks me when people say it doesn't matter, they're fine after 5 mintues, don't worry, etc. Well it hurt ME, and I'd never put myself thru it again.

He was fine about going to playgroup, childminder, school, after we gave up on nursery; he just didn't like the boringness & lonliness of going to nursery.

Original poster

meggmoo · 18/01/2006 14:27

Hmmmm, sounding a bit familiar. Oh bugger.

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beasmum · 18/01/2006 14:28

Then try not to worry. He really sounds absolutely fine - have you waited so that you can hear him settle? this might reassure you.

As blueshoes said, it is simply the moment of separation that he can't cope with and this is not because there is anything wrong, just that at this age he does not have the emotional tools there that tell him "mum'll be back soon so I don't need to get upset". It's all part of the 'instant' way toddlers live their lives - they can't put off a treat they want it NOW. so he simply lives in the moment and is upset NOW because he doesn't want to separate.

Relax! you are doing really well to keep it up as it's really hard on you - but just remember it's YOU who is agonising, not your son who is FINE! x

harpsichordcarrier · 18/01/2006 14:33

sorry this is a really stupid question but... what about a different sort of childcare altogether? could you get someone to look after him in your home? eight hours isn't much so I wonder if there is a solution like a nanny share or whatever.
you may have already exhausted those options but now he's a bit older is there someone who could look after him at home?
or taking him to a child minder?

beasmum · 18/01/2006 14:33

jetlagdzebra, you have said the other side of the coin that I meant to say but forgot, which is that nursery isn't compulsory! Am I right to think Meggmoo that you go to work while he's in nursery though? In which case he has to go somewhere!

My son is an only child so I feel really benefits from pre-school at 3, but my plan B if he hated it was not to send him! I would have gone to playgroup and other social places with him instead, but as it happens he is fine and I do think he is learning some skills about interacting with other children that he just doesn't learn when I'm there.

but if you have to send a child to nursery like I think meggmoo does then I think it's fine, this child is obviously coping brilliantly and it's mum who is suffering...

Original poster

meggmoo · 18/01/2006 14:33

Ok B'mum I take your point. I guess I am just finding the stares and the predictability of it all a little exhasuting and depressing.

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beasmum · 18/01/2006 14:36

meggmoo just have to say I do know how you feel, it's upsetting seeing your child like that and then to KNOW it's coming every day makes you dread it I'm sure. It's very hard to do on your own for all this time and I take my hat off to you x

bundle · 18/01/2006 14:45

don't get me started on biddulph...grrrrr

i saw a little boy (similar age) settling at our nursery last week..he cried when his mum said they had to go home & come back again for another shortish session tomorrow. they do all settle at different rates, and changing the nursery won't help as I believe it's routine that helps them feel safe/happy.

Original poster

meggmoo · 18/01/2006 14:47

HCC
I had toyed with the idea of other care but I am very reluctant to do this. When I was tiny I had three carers over the course of 3 years and everyone without exception abused me in some way. I remeber vividly being locked in cupboards, smacked, bitten etc. The idea just fills me with dread.

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harpsichordcarrier · 18/01/2006 14:50

god meggymoo that's horrible I am so sorry to hear that

Original poster

meggmoo · 18/01/2006 14:52

It's history HCC.
I just feel I can trust a group environment more.

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blueshoes · 18/01/2006 18:50

meggmoo, sorry to hear of your past childhood experiences with carers .

One of the reasons I chose nursery for dd was because she is a demanding kid - very persistent and loud crying. Drove me almost batty during my maternity leave - dh and I worked round the clock to keep her on an even keel (still do, though less now she is a toddler). So I was afraid to leave her behind closed doors with one person for hours on end, no witnesses, dd too young to tell me if she was being mistreated. Her personality is part of the reason why she still finds drop off painful - v. attached to mummy/daddy, emotional, complete opposite of laid back.

Apart from the drop off, I am happy dd's settled in nursery. No, nursery is not the only childcare choice. Trust you gut instinct on this. But I wouldn't focus on the dropoff if you think your ds is otherwise happily settled in.

Original poster

meggmoo · 18/01/2006 19:42

Thanks BLueshoes.

Yes it is the drop off I am anxious about. I get an awful feeling in my stomach just before the tears start. Looks like I am just going to have to get used to it or hope that ds grows out of it.

It's just hard for me. I have to battle with horrible thoughts that he's being mistreated by the staff (which is silly as I know they are lovely) which means he is reluctant to go back.

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blueshoes · 18/01/2006 19:55

You mentioned 8 hours. Is it a full day or two half days? Dd is fulltime and yes, after a particularly bad drop off, I have all the same dark thoughts . But I do think 8 hours is not a long time, if drop off is the only time ds shows distress. When I collect dd, I always peer through the glass for as long as possible to observe her and to make sure she is not crying. Also, linger a bit where possible off-peak to see how the staff interact with other kids - speaks volumes. I know when I am there, dd behaves differently than after I have left her. She is definitely more clingy and less adventurous when I am there. But the carers tell me she is the first to join activities and last to get off the table!

Original poster

meggmoo · 18/01/2006 19:58

He goes for three sessions.

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blueshoes · 18/01/2006 20:44

Sounds ideal! Consecutive days tends to work better than split days because it helps little ones to get into a routine. They just know how to tug at your heartstrings, don't they.

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