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Behaviour/development

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Original poster

Can 12-month-old be away from parents for 3 months?

88 replies

chris481 · 12/04/2011 16:52

Daughter has for the first year of her life been looked after by mother, father and granny in the same house. There is a plan for daughter at age 12 months to spend 3 months abroad being looked after by granny, during which time she won't see her parents. She and granny will then return, and granny will leave after a further couple of months.

I've heard that babies being separated from adults they have bonded with can cause problems that last the rest of their lives.

Is parents going missing for 3 months at age 1 a problem?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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MmeSurvivedLent · 12/04/2011 16:55

Is this your child?

I am very much a "Go, lead your life" kind of mum/poster, but think that this would be too much for me. Unless there was a very good reason for it. And why would they not see the DD at all for these three months?

Not sure about the three month thing - what about children of servicemen/women who don't see their DC for long periods of time?

cornsilkily · 12/04/2011 16:56

are you father?

madwomanintheattic · 12/04/2011 16:58

she will also have bonded with the granny, having lived with her throughout, so she is not being removed from all care-givers.

there was a hugerly emotive thread about this concerning the american military a couple of weeks ago. the research is not based on children who are maintaining contact with someone they already have a bond with. if granny is staying around for a couple of mnths afterwards, whilst parents re-bond with the child, don't see a problem.

i'd be asking if it was necessary, like, but sometimes it is.

military families often spend six months apart. and some of us get a bit tetchy that we are accused of causing long term problems for our children, despite the lengths we go to to ensure that our children are loved and supported.

nokissymum · 12/04/2011 17:08

Daughter will do well with granny for 3 months as she already knows granny.
Daughter will not know parents when she returns home (3mths!)
During time when granny comes back with her and stays with child's parents, child will still cling to granny.
Daughter will be distraught when granny goes and leaves her.
Eventually daughter will get used to own mother again depending on when she sees granny, she might always be closer to granny.
If child does not see granny for a long time after she's been left, i dont believe she will suffer emotional damage for the rest of her life, so long as things settle down i.e who she lives with etc, she is still quite young, however if her primary carer keeps changing from granny to mummy etc then there could be likely long term emotional distress.,

Im not a child psychologist or anything just a ordinary mum, so you will be the best judge.

hidingidentity · 12/04/2011 17:14

I wouldn't do it. I had to be away from my DC1 at 15 months for just 2 weeks. She was with DH and my DM, and showed no signs of distress. But was very clingy when I came back, and I do sometimes wonder...

I had very little choice. How necessary is this trip for the parents?

To be honest, I think that it is particularly difficult because it is both parents. Forces families have one parent at home to be a constant, but this child is going to be chopping and changing. And forces families obviously have a bloody good reason for the Dad (or Mum) to be away!

holderness · 12/04/2011 17:16

Yes ,it will cause a problem and should not be contemplated. 3 months is a huge amount of a babies life and will lead to problems .

I am speaking from experience :(

kitbit · 12/04/2011 17:18

If you had the choice why would you want to?

ExitPursuedByALamb · 12/04/2011 17:20

Why would anyone do that?

exoticfruits · 12/04/2011 17:24

I wouldn't do it-why would you?

BehindLockNumberNine · 12/04/2011 17:28

I was left with granny for one month at the age of 12 month when my parents went to Japan on a business trip. According to my mum I was 'off' with her for quite a while after they returned and took me home.

She said with hindsight she would not have left me.

Fwiw I have never had a close relationship with my mum and was (and still am) much closer to my dad. Not sure if this had anything to do with the months' trip they went on, after all dad went too.

Prunnhilda · 12/04/2011 17:30

Absolutely
No
Way.

TheCrackFox · 12/04/2011 17:35

It is a shit idea.

My dad worked away from home for 6 weeks when I was about 9 months old. when he came back I had absolutely no idea who he was and would have hysterics if he came anywhere near me. It still upsets my Dad 36yrs later.

Octaviapink · 12/04/2011 20:11

If there was any choice about it I wouldn't do it.

HattiFattner · 12/04/2011 20:33

my dh worked away for months from when dd was 9 mo.....shewould see him every 10 days or so...but she was very cross and distant with him when he came home.

the touble is, you are seperating at a critical time-when the child will find things very difficult and will have massive separation anxiety, unless she feels granny is a primary care giver already.

On return, the child will have forgotten you, and will find it very difficult to bond again, as you will be a stranger to her.

It can be done, as long as there is some continuity of care. you will need to gradually reestablish yourself as primary caregiver, so as to avoid attachment disorders.

SpeedyGonzalez · 12/04/2011 20:37

It can be done, of course it can. But it will cause a lot of pain and heartache for a long time. Why are you considering this?

I cannot imagine any circumstances under which I'd consider doing this, so I'm curious.

DuelingFanjo · 12/04/2011 20:42

I think I have heard of something like this with a Chinese family once but personally I would hate it.

tostaky · 12/04/2011 20:48

can you use skype to keep in touch through video?
can you go and viit during those three months?
i have a friend who let her 12 months old to her mum for a month to finish her dissertation and the little one was fine.
three months does seem long though...

willowstar · 12/04/2011 20:48

will you have access to Skype with video? My little girl last saw her granny when she was 14 months old, so four months ago...we talk on Skype twice a week with the webcams and my little girl sees her granny. She has photos of her and we talk about her so I think she does know her. We are going to see her next week so it will be interesting to see how she reacts. What i am saying is that there will be ways of maintaining knowledge of the parents though obviously that is only very superficial.

needmyrootsdone · 12/04/2011 20:49

Sorry - to me this is craziness.

Why on earth? Are the parents in prison?!

washnomore · 12/04/2011 20:52

Absolutely no way on earth. Speaking purely from instinct I just couldn't, no way.

ObscureReference · 12/04/2011 20:54

:( I couldnt do it. But in fairness to the OP, I assume there is a good reason. If it was just for a jolly, then no.

5inthebed · 12/04/2011 20:59

I wouldn't be able to do that. Unless it was for a very very goo reason, I'd say the idea was ridiculous.

MrsSmithers · 12/04/2011 21:07

Something similar happened to me and I wouldn't recommend it unless it is absolutely necessary. I was nearly adopted by my dad's older brother and his wife when I was about 9 months old. They thought they couldn't have children, so I went to live with them in another country and didn't have any contact with my parents. Then my aunt fell pregnant and I was returned to my parents about 6 months later.

My mum feels very guilty about it and although we do have a good relationship, I find it very hard to bond with people and believe that they might actually like me. I don't speak to my dad at all and after some counselling, have worked out that we never really had a bond. He was the one that persuaded my mum to send me to his brother and I didn't re-form an attachment to him when I returned.

I would not contemplate separating from my children unless there was a very good reason and it was completely unavoidable.

pozzled · 12/04/2011 21:08

I think it would be very difficult for both the child and the parents. Personally I would hate to miss such a large chunk of my daughter's life. I also think it would be really hard for the parents when the daughter comes back and is clingy to the grandmother and treats the parents as strangers.

If it's necessary, I expect you could make it work. But no way would I chose to do it.

Chundle · 12/04/2011 21:37

Hmmm my dad left me and Sis for long periods as was in army but that wa different as we had mum and didn't have to bond with another adult etc etc I think bad idea all round. Are you going travellin or something?? If so take baby with you let her enjoy it with you

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